Lipstick Murder
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Doubts and Dead Ends"After a lifetime of suffering, Tess’s world shatte
4 total reviews
Comment from Iza Deleanu
The revenge spree it's still on a rampage and now the police is trying to pick up the pieces
Will the undercover who's behind the killing? Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2025
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The revenge spree it's still on a rampage and now the police is trying to pick up the pieces
Will the undercover who's behind the killing? Thank you for sharing and good luck with your writings.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2025
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Thank you for reading my chapter and your wonderful stars. I'm so glad you liked it. Will Tess get caught or will she continue her escapade? Stay tuned and find out. Thank you again for your wonderful review, take care.
Comment from patcelaw
This is very nicely written, and you have included a very good amount of dialogue between the characters in your story and I enjoyed listening to it very much. I wish you the very best with your writing. I also wish you a very good weekend.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2025
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This is very nicely written, and you have included a very good amount of dialogue between the characters in your story and I enjoyed listening to it very much. I wish you the very best with your writing. I also wish you a very good weekend.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2025
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Thank you for listening to my story. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I do hope you'll tell me if something didn't sound quite right in case I decide to do an audiobook. Thank you for the kind wishes. I do hope you have a wonderful weekend as well.
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Your chapter really draws me in. I love how you build the tension between your characters. The dialogue feels natural. I think it adds personality to the characters. I really felt for the manager! Especially when she opens up about Tess. You've got a great way of include in details that make everything feel real. Keep up the great work! Your storytelling really keeps me hooked!
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2025
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Your chapter really draws me in. I love how you build the tension between your characters. The dialogue feels natural. I think it adds personality to the characters. I really felt for the manager! Especially when she opens up about Tess. You've got a great way of include in details that make everything feel real. Keep up the great work! Your storytelling really keeps me hooked!
Comment Written 07-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2025
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Thank you for reading my story, and for all your kind words, and your wonderful praise. I'm so glad you could relate to the manager and that everything seemed realistic to you.
Comment from Harambe iz ur Daddy
**revised up a star after edits by author**
This is a good story in need of a bit of proofreading.
Background section: start with the word After. "After killing her husband" etc.
A home very similar to the one they'd just left. <= fragment, missing a verb. You could fix this by simply converting the period before this sentence to a comma
while the third set up a perimeter <= sets up
Has been with the family since the Mrs. was young <= Mrs. is an abbreviation, but if you're using it without the surname after it, it comes across as old-fashioned colloquial and should be spelled out as "the missus"
Has the ME determined the COD? <= these acronyms might be unfamiliar to readers. I have not heard them used before.
According to the housekeep it is <= conventionally written as "housekeeper"
We've only worked here for two so we wouldn't be much help. <= I suggest saying two YEARS, for clarity
That's what she used to claim anyway. <= this character appears to be a non-rendered error, and many of your line endings have it, and there's one at the very end. They are distracting and it should be easy to clean them all up.
Tess with her rose colored glasses <= rose-colored
"We all did that's why it hurt so much when she didn't return our calls." <= split into two sentences: We all did. That's why it hurt so much etc
She didn't even answer a single texts <= text
The dialogue back-and-forth goes on for a while, so it would be helpful to add a couple actions from the detective in the conversation like you already did for the manager, just to remind us who is talking, and humanize the interaction even more. Eg he raised his eyebrows, or he asked incredulously, or Toni and Jamal glanced at each other (if that's the two who are interviewing her). You get the idea.
Thanks for the read and hope this is helpful -- feel free to message me back if you clean these issues up and I'll bump this up a star.
Best regards,
🦍
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2025
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**revised up a star after edits by author**
This is a good story in need of a bit of proofreading.
Background section: start with the word After. "After killing her husband" etc.
A home very similar to the one they'd just left. <= fragment, missing a verb. You could fix this by simply converting the period before this sentence to a comma
while the third set up a perimeter <= sets up
Has been with the family since the Mrs. was young <= Mrs. is an abbreviation, but if you're using it without the surname after it, it comes across as old-fashioned colloquial and should be spelled out as "the missus"
Has the ME determined the COD? <= these acronyms might be unfamiliar to readers. I have not heard them used before.
According to the housekeep it is <= conventionally written as "housekeeper"
We've only worked here for two so we wouldn't be much help. <= I suggest saying two YEARS, for clarity
That's what she used to claim anyway. <= this character appears to be a non-rendered error, and many of your line endings have it, and there's one at the very end. They are distracting and it should be easy to clean them all up.
Tess with her rose colored glasses <= rose-colored
"We all did that's why it hurt so much when she didn't return our calls." <= split into two sentences: We all did. That's why it hurt so much etc
She didn't even answer a single texts <= text
The dialogue back-and-forth goes on for a while, so it would be helpful to add a couple actions from the detective in the conversation like you already did for the manager, just to remind us who is talking, and humanize the interaction even more. Eg he raised his eyebrows, or he asked incredulously, or Toni and Jamal glanced at each other (if that's the two who are interviewing her). You get the idea.
Thanks for the read and hope this is helpful -- feel free to message me back if you clean these issues up and I'll bump this up a star.
Best regards,
🦍
Comment Written 07-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2025
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Thank you for all your help, I greatly appreciate it. I think I've fixed all my mistakes, added a few things. Hopefully I didn't make any mistakes there. The a thing must've happened when I pasted. I still should've caught it. Thanks again for all your help.
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Hi, the special characters are still showing up on the line endings. Try removing it in the editor here rather than pasting in from your word professor, if you are doing so.
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Ok I'll go fix that
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I fixed it thank you again for all your help.
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I’ve bumped it up a star. Found one more thing:
"That bastard." She says <= use a comma instead
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Thank you for the increase and for all your help. I fixed that last mistake.
