Ben Paul Persons
Viewing comments for Chapter 17 "Ben Paul Persons, Chapter 17"A fresh calling
9 total reviews
Comment from Jim Wile
Lots going on here, and no sooner has one episode ended then a completely new one begins out of the blue, as the diamond ring is found in the ladies' room. You certainly keep the thrills coming.
I must say, though, that this chapter left my head spinning. It moves too fast for my slow brain. I liken it to watching a complex spy thriller where things are said once or implied a while ago, and you are expected to remember them to put current action in context. Or, so little information is given except for suggestions, and you are left to puzzle out the action for yourself. I confess I have to reread parts of your postings several times over before I think I've got what you were after.
Here are two examples from the current chapter:
"No. You look. I'm going to John's house. I'll make him deal with Francine right in front of me!"
First of all, I don't believe you've mentioned Francine before, and what do you mean by making him deal with her right in front of me? I can guess from what I read later that Francine is John's wife and only later do we find out that John may have been fooling around with Blaylock and was to leave his wife and go with her. At this point, though, it's confusing. But maybe that's not it because she blushed when Ben Paul accused her of kissing Debusse in the vault.
"Christine," Ben Paul started calmly, "we just came from Weisenhart's place. Cantrell and Debusse are already on their way back to Chicago. Weisenhart is getting some supper because he figures to be at the police station all night. He's ratting you out, laying it all on you. You got the two men down here. You opened the vault. You even kissed Debusse in the vault."
"Weisenhart said the tickets were for him and his wife." Sylvia sounded a bit taunting.
Ben Paul guessed right based on Christine's flushing. She took a shot in the dark regarding any tickets.
I don't believe you mentioned Cantrell and Debusse's names before, so I'm guessing these were the masked bad guys that were used in the robbery. Probably better not to name them here if you haven't used them before and just say "the two robbers," otherwise we might conclude they were someone else entirely, besides which, how would Ben Paul even know their names?
Then it sounds like Sylvia was the one who guessed about the tickets, (and how she arrived at that, I don't know) but in the next paragraph you say Ben Paul guessed right based on Christine's flushing?
And why would Christine believe John was at the police station ratting on her? What would have made him go there in the first place? Here he was eating his dinner, and the next thing, he goes to the police station to rat on her. Why would she believe that?
I believe when a mystery is explained, you should take your time to explain it thoroughly so the audience is crystal clear on how smart your protagonists were in figuring it out with the clues that they had and so that the reader doesn't have to try to reason it out for himself so much.
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2025
  |
Lots going on here, and no sooner has one episode ended then a completely new one begins out of the blue, as the diamond ring is found in the ladies' room. You certainly keep the thrills coming.
I must say, though, that this chapter left my head spinning. It moves too fast for my slow brain. I liken it to watching a complex spy thriller where things are said once or implied a while ago, and you are expected to remember them to put current action in context. Or, so little information is given except for suggestions, and you are left to puzzle out the action for yourself. I confess I have to reread parts of your postings several times over before I think I've got what you were after.
Here are two examples from the current chapter:
"No. You look. I'm going to John's house. I'll make him deal with Francine right in front of me!"
First of all, I don't believe you've mentioned Francine before, and what do you mean by making him deal with her right in front of me? I can guess from what I read later that Francine is John's wife and only later do we find out that John may have been fooling around with Blaylock and was to leave his wife and go with her. At this point, though, it's confusing. But maybe that's not it because she blushed when Ben Paul accused her of kissing Debusse in the vault.
"Christine," Ben Paul started calmly, "we just came from Weisenhart's place. Cantrell and Debusse are already on their way back to Chicago. Weisenhart is getting some supper because he figures to be at the police station all night. He's ratting you out, laying it all on you. You got the two men down here. You opened the vault. You even kissed Debusse in the vault."
"Weisenhart said the tickets were for him and his wife." Sylvia sounded a bit taunting.
Ben Paul guessed right based on Christine's flushing. She took a shot in the dark regarding any tickets.
I don't believe you mentioned Cantrell and Debusse's names before, so I'm guessing these were the masked bad guys that were used in the robbery. Probably better not to name them here if you haven't used them before and just say "the two robbers," otherwise we might conclude they were someone else entirely, besides which, how would Ben Paul even know their names?
Then it sounds like Sylvia was the one who guessed about the tickets, (and how she arrived at that, I don't know) but in the next paragraph you say Ben Paul guessed right based on Christine's flushing?
And why would Christine believe John was at the police station ratting on her? What would have made him go there in the first place? Here he was eating his dinner, and the next thing, he goes to the police station to rat on her. Why would she believe that?
I believe when a mystery is explained, you should take your time to explain it thoroughly so the audience is crystal clear on how smart your protagonists were in figuring it out with the clues that they had and so that the reader doesn't have to try to reason it out for himself so much.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2025
-
Thank you for your valued input. I appreciate it. I need to look the entire bank robbery scene through in one reading. For instance, Ben Paul had a name that he floated to the Chicago detective that he took from the '54 Chevy. A lot of the stuff they threw at Christine was totally made up, but it wouldn't hurt for me to say that.
-
When I was a systems analyst, I used to read over the specs I wrote for programs with a fine-toothed comb to make sure everything in them was unambiguous and easily understood. I wanted zero room for possible misinterpretation, because otherwise the users would not be getting what they thought they were getting, and my team would have to re-do it if it was misinterpreted. That experience is reflected in my own tendency to be somewhat long-winded and to overexplain things in my fiction writing.
However, that editing process is very important in uncovering possible inconsistencies, confusing points, etc. But you have to get out of your own head and try to put yourself in your readers' heads and how they will interpret things to do it effectively. They don't have the whole story and all the context as firmly in mind as you do, and they often need subtle reminders of things that happened before; otherwise, they are forced to go back and find the thing that will explain what's happening in a previous chapter.
It's especially difficult when presented in FanStory fashion with a chapter every three days or so, because readers, especially moi, have trouble remembering what I read a few days ago.
Also, something that seems plain as day to you, may just not come across that way to others. My wife is a great sounding board for me because I read her each chapter after I write it, and anything that isn't clear to her, she lets me know about it, and I will often rephrase it.
-
I just did the reread of the entire scene. You were absolutely right It took a bit of fixing. Thank you!
Comment from Ric Myworld
I guess it goes like the old saying, "All's well that ends well." But in Ben's world we know that things are always creeping up on a new turn at the next block. LOL. Thanks for sharing. Great chapter! Wish I had a six.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2025
|
I guess it goes like the old saying, "All's well that ends well." But in Ben's world we know that things are always creeping up on a new turn at the next block. LOL. Thanks for sharing. Great chapter! Wish I had a six.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2025
-
Thank you. Your continued support is far more valuable than any ol' six!
Comment from Wendy G
They solved that bank robbery problem really well by putting two and two together, and I'm glad that she didn't shoot thm while waving the gun around! But now a lost ring? They certainly are having some adventures! Wendy
Edit?: Silvie darling (Sylvie)
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2025
|
They solved that bank robbery problem really well by putting two and two together, and I'm glad that she didn't shoot thm while waving the gun around! But now a lost ring? They certainly are having some adventures! Wendy
Edit?: Silvie darling (Sylvie)
Comment Written 14-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2025
-
Thank you for your great review.
I don't use it often enough, but Sylvie is Ben Paul's nickname for Sylvia. My intention was to tie it back to Ben Persons' name for her grandmother, Olivia (Livvy).
-
Yes but I thought it should also be spelt with a y. Sylvie rather than Silvie.
-
Yes but I thought it should also be spelt with a y. Sylvie rather than Silvie.
-
Oh Stupid me I just now focused on the first syllable. I feel so dumb!
-
You are definitely not dumb!
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
They were certainly smart to put the fear of arrest into the bank manager and get her to tell the police how the bank president was trying to blame the robbery on her, not that she wasn't part of it. Then they find a diamond ring? What luck or what trouble is that going to get them into? It does involve hanging around Dodge City a little longer and they probably haven't fully convinced the police they are honest people.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2025
|
They were certainly smart to put the fear of arrest into the bank manager and get her to tell the police how the bank president was trying to blame the robbery on her, not that she wasn't part of it. Then they find a diamond ring? What luck or what trouble is that going to get them into? It does involve hanging around Dodge City a little longer and they probably haven't fully convinced the police they are honest people.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2025
-
Thank you for your very nice review.
Comment from Cecilia A Heiskary
Wayne,
This story is coming along nicely. Those two are always in the middle of something. Bank robberies and no a$10,000 ring, I'm sure that is connected not so good.
Well done
Cecilia
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2025
|
Wayne,
This story is coming along nicely. Those two are always in the middle of something. Bank robberies and no a$10,000 ring, I'm sure that is connected not so good.
Well done
Cecilia
Comment Written 13-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2025
-
Thank you. I kinda believe that people with the courage to follow the leading of the Holy Spirit will find themselves in positions requiring the leading of the Holy Spirit.
Thank you again for your very nice review.
-
You are welcome
-
You're welcome. Yes we must go where the Holy Spirit leads us.
Comment from Pam Lonsdale
It's "nearly ten", late for a big meal, so they have pie, ice cream, and a buffet breakfast? That sounds pretty big to me. Or is the buffet the following morning?
So, they are still in the same motel? I'd sell the ring, then take the money and really go on a nice vacation - fancy hotel and everything.
Have a great week, Wayne.
xo
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2025
|
It's "nearly ten", late for a big meal, so they have pie, ice cream, and a buffet breakfast? That sounds pretty big to me. Or is the buffet the following morning?
So, they are still in the same motel? I'd sell the ring, then take the money and really go on a nice vacation - fancy hotel and everything.
Have a great week, Wayne.
xo
Comment Written 13-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2025
-
smiley face here - selling the ring
Thank you. I'll take a second look at the clock.
Comment from royowen
Well done, this is a little different from what I normally read from you, but still depending on the Holy Spirit's guidance in their lives, substantially different from his great ancestor, Ben Persons, Ben Paul, is still guided by the One, beautifully written, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2025
|
Well done, this is a little different from what I normally read from you, but still depending on the Holy Spirit's guidance in their lives, substantially different from his great ancestor, Ben Persons, Ben Paul, is still guided by the One, beautifully written, blessings Roy
Comment Written 13-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2025
-
Thank you for your very nice review.
Yeah, I didn't want to be predictable or redundant.
-
Certainly not
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Hi Wayne,
I'm very behind on your story, but was glad to see Ben Paul still on the job.With Sylvia with him, they are trying to get Christine to help them find bigger fish to fry. In the meantime, they come across a $10,000 ring!!! Wowsers!!!
Great job,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2025
|
Hi Wayne,
I'm very behind on your story, but was glad to see Ben Paul still on the job.With Sylvia with him, they are trying to get Christine to help them find bigger fish to fry. In the meantime, they come across a $10,000 ring!!! Wowsers!!!
Great job,
Rhonda
Comment Written 13-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2025
-
smiley face here
Thank you for your very kind review.
-
I love the virtual emoji!!
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
I really enjoyed the suspense you built up in this chapter! The tension between the characters was perfect. I could feel the urgency in each scene. I especially liked how you made Ben Paul and Sylvia's dialogue so natural. As usual, your writing made me feel like I was right there with them, wondering what would happen next. Great work - I'm excited to see what happens next!
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2025
|
I really enjoyed the suspense you built up in this chapter! The tension between the characters was perfect. I could feel the urgency in each scene. I especially liked how you made Ben Paul and Sylvia's dialogue so natural. As usual, your writing made me feel like I was right there with them, wondering what would happen next. Great work - I'm excited to see what happens next!
Comment Written 13-Jan-2025
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2025
-
You got me smilin' here! Thank you for your fabulous review!
