Ugh
Aging36 total reviews
Comment from royowen
I know that feeling Cecilia, as you've said in your notes, ageing is not for the woos, one has to be brave, we are more or less are faced with impending doom, and the consequences of that, this is beautifully written My friend, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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I know that feeling Cecilia, as you've said in your notes, ageing is not for the woos, one has to be brave, we are more or less are faced with impending doom, and the consequences of that, this is beautifully written My friend, blessings Roy
Comment Written 26-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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Roy,
Thank you for the wonderful review. Yes, we know what we face everyday. We just have to keep on striving and we'll be ok.
Cecilia
Comment from Harambe iz ur Daddy
Your rhymes work pretty well here. It would be an even cooler piece if you were to meter it! Here are some examples:
My old achy body wants to quit <= remove "old" to make it work as a binary rhythm
Waking in the morning, take a hit <= multiple ways to interpret this, including drug references!
My knees hurt and I need new parts
They try to give out and it smarts <= accent is on TRY, which is kind of a passive verb
Stanza 1 alternate sketch:
my achy body wants to quit
it dreams of drugs, a morning hit
My gnawing knees need metal parts
Each squat and step brings stings and smarts
My back feels stiff every day <= add a syllable, like "MOST every day"
I'm getting old and want my way <= good
The feet hurt all day long
<= add two more syllables to make the meter poop. Eg "my flabby feet"
I shake my head, and think it's wrong <= this feels like a forced rhyme. Alternative possibilities: if only they they would move along, or it's just their smell that still is strong
I have a pharmacy under my sink <= has two extra syllables. Try "a pharmacy's beneath my sink"
When did I get old? Let me think <= feels forced. But you could make it funny by connecting it to the previous line:
-there's nothing I can't fix with zinc
-full of pills both white and pink
-with pills I pilfered from my shrink
-the stuff down there's begun to stink
It seems like I woke up one day
Saw the mirror image, what to say? <= both these lines feel like filler material. Perhaps you can find a more creatine alternative? (Or feel free to use any of the extra lines above)
Last stanza: I like that you're concluding on a monorhyme, and the connection with cake and cake is fun. Let's work on the meter:
I need to keep moving for health sake <= problematic if using a binary meter because your accents are: NEED to keep MO-ving. Your other lines in this stanza have similar metering inconsistency. It's fine (maybe even preferable) if you're setting to music but less optimal for traditional rhyming poetry.
Alternate example that pokes a little fun at the inclination for sweets that develops with age:
I need more sweets to stay awake
Old age is not a piece of cake
If only I could take a break
Instead I'm going home to bake (include a picture of a cake baking in a crematorium? Just kidding)
Hope this is helpful to you! Ping me back if you revise so I can revisit the rating. You are welcome to ignore or steal anything I've suggested here.
Best regards,
🦍
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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Your rhymes work pretty well here. It would be an even cooler piece if you were to meter it! Here are some examples:
My old achy body wants to quit <= remove "old" to make it work as a binary rhythm
Waking in the morning, take a hit <= multiple ways to interpret this, including drug references!
My knees hurt and I need new parts
They try to give out and it smarts <= accent is on TRY, which is kind of a passive verb
Stanza 1 alternate sketch:
my achy body wants to quit
it dreams of drugs, a morning hit
My gnawing knees need metal parts
Each squat and step brings stings and smarts
My back feels stiff every day <= add a syllable, like "MOST every day"
I'm getting old and want my way <= good
The feet hurt all day long
<= add two more syllables to make the meter poop. Eg "my flabby feet"
I shake my head, and think it's wrong <= this feels like a forced rhyme. Alternative possibilities: if only they they would move along, or it's just their smell that still is strong
I have a pharmacy under my sink <= has two extra syllables. Try "a pharmacy's beneath my sink"
When did I get old? Let me think <= feels forced. But you could make it funny by connecting it to the previous line:
-there's nothing I can't fix with zinc
-full of pills both white and pink
-with pills I pilfered from my shrink
-the stuff down there's begun to stink
It seems like I woke up one day
Saw the mirror image, what to say? <= both these lines feel like filler material. Perhaps you can find a more creatine alternative? (Or feel free to use any of the extra lines above)
Last stanza: I like that you're concluding on a monorhyme, and the connection with cake and cake is fun. Let's work on the meter:
I need to keep moving for health sake <= problematic if using a binary meter because your accents are: NEED to keep MO-ving. Your other lines in this stanza have similar metering inconsistency. It's fine (maybe even preferable) if you're setting to music but less optimal for traditional rhyming poetry.
Alternate example that pokes a little fun at the inclination for sweets that develops with age:
I need more sweets to stay awake
Old age is not a piece of cake
If only I could take a break
Instead I'm going home to bake (include a picture of a cake baking in a crematorium? Just kidding)
Hope this is helpful to you! Ping me back if you revise so I can revisit the rating. You are welcome to ignore or steal anything I've suggested here.
Best regards,
🦍
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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Thank you for the review. I appreciate your input.
Cecilia
Comment from Jessa kuder
I don't want to get old, I'm already half way there. But that poem is relatable and it is a testament to your strength. You make it sound tough but I bet you make it look incredibly easy
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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I don't want to get old, I'm already half way there. But that poem is relatable and it is a testament to your strength. You make it sound tough but I bet you make it look incredibly easy
Comment Written 26-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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Jessa,
Thank you for the wonderful review. It is tough getting old, but some days I feel my age. You have to keep moving, because if you don't you will be stuck in a bed.
Cecilia
Comment from Marilyn Hamilton
lol cute and humorous poem. also very accurate! lol Aging is not for sissies, that's for sure. But it helps to know we aren't alone going through it. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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lol cute and humorous poem. also very accurate! lol Aging is not for sissies, that's for sure. But it helps to know we aren't alone going through it. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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Marilyn,
Thank you for the wonderful review. Yes, we are all in it together.
Cecilia
Comment from Tom Horonzy
Not to say it cannot be so, but I think you are ten years or so my junior, so without ill intent intended, wait until your 77 before you begin complaining in sincerity. It is hell bent on wheels, I can truly attest.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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Not to say it cannot be so, but I think you are ten years or so my junior, so without ill intent intended, wait until your 77 before you begin complaining in sincerity. It is hell bent on wheels, I can truly attest.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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Tom,
Thank you for the wonderful review. You are correct you have 15 yrs on me, but that does not diminish my aches and pains. I know they were get worse as I age.
Cecilia
Comment from patcelaw
This is for sure when you get a hold of you have all the aches and pains you don't want to keep going on but if you ever stop and just put yourself down, you will find yourself bedbound in no time flat. I have to walk at least 2 1/2 to 3 miles a day to keep myself going. Patricia.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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This is for sure when you get a hold of you have all the aches and pains you don't want to keep going on but if you ever stop and just put yourself down, you will find yourself bedbound in no time flat. I have to walk at least 2 1/2 to 3 miles a day to keep myself going. Patricia.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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Patricia,
Thank you for the wonderful review. You are right about the part to keep moving. They say a body in motion stays that way. It is so true.
Cecilia
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
Your poem shares the frustrations of aging so well! I love how you mix humor with the aches and pains of getting older. The lines "I have a pharmacy under my sink" and "When did I get old?" really made me smile.
Keep writing - you've got a great way of sharing those everyday moments.
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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Your poem shares the frustrations of aging so well! I love how you mix humor with the aches and pains of getting older. The lines "I have a pharmacy under my sink" and "When did I get old?" really made me smile.
Keep writing - you've got a great way of sharing those everyday moments.
Comment Written 26-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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Michael,
Thank you for the great review. I am glad you enjoyed this poem.
Cecilia
Comment from Angel Debbie
Make banana bread if your going to bake. With chocolate chips mini ones. We can have it together and converse over coffee or something about our aches and pains.lol Love you friend!
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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Make banana bread if your going to bake. With chocolate chips mini ones. We can have it together and converse over coffee or something about our aches and pains.lol Love you friend!
Comment Written 26-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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Debbie,
Thank you for the wonderful review. Yes, banana bread would be a good idea. When I make it I'll let you know and we can compare pains. Ha,ha.
Cecilia
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Thanks friend! :)
Comment from Begin Again
It definitely creeps up on us...We think we can do it all and then suddenly, without warning, we can't. You nailed every ache and pain and the mirror...oh, forget what stares back from there. Great job!
Smiles, Carol
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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It definitely creeps up on us...We think we can do it all and then suddenly, without warning, we can't. You nailed every ache and pain and the mirror...oh, forget what stares back from there. Great job!
Smiles, Carol
Comment Written 26-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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Carol,
Thank you for the wonderful review. You are correct about being able to do some things. About 4 months back I picked up a 40 bottle case of water and got a hernia. WTF? It all repaired and I'm good as new. I used to be able to do that with no problem.
Cecilia
Comment from teafor2
Cecilia, your great onomatopoeia title, apt picture, realistic theme and
affable tone complement these poetical quatrains...Thanks for being bold enough to share your inner most personal ageing concerns with FS...Love your note, "Aging is not for the weak." teafor2
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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Cecilia, your great onomatopoeia title, apt picture, realistic theme and
affable tone complement these poetical quatrains...Thanks for being bold enough to share your inner most personal ageing concerns with FS...Love your note, "Aging is not for the weak." teafor2
Comment Written 26-Mar-2025
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2025
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teafor2,
Thank you for the wonderful review. I think we all have our own version of aging and we all suffer from some of the same things. It was a fun poem to write.
Cecilia
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You are quite welcome and so right,
Cecilia. teafor2
