Sonnets
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "You Are My Guitar"A collection of sonnets
17 total reviews
Comment from TAB_that's me
Hi Mike, this is a really lovely poem. As for the sonnet, you have the rhymes and the correct syllable count but the meter is off. I don't know how to explain meter except that it should sound like da DUM da DUm da DUM according to where the accent is on the words. I would suggest that sometime you could take the class on rhyme and meter through Brooke (adewpearl) on this site - she is a really good teacher. I'm not good at meter if after the class but I know what it sounds like - just can't write it very well.
~Teresa~
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
  |
Hi Mike, this is a really lovely poem. As for the sonnet, you have the rhymes and the correct syllable count but the meter is off. I don't know how to explain meter except that it should sound like da DUM da DUm da DUM according to where the accent is on the words. I would suggest that sometime you could take the class on rhyme and meter through Brooke (adewpearl) on this site - she is a really good teacher. I'm not good at meter if after the class but I know what it sounds like - just can't write it very well.
~Teresa~
Comment Written 25-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
-
Yes, I am with you. that is where I am getting a brain freeze. I adapted this from one of my songs. I think I should start from scratch with that meter in my in mind to start with. Ms. adewpearl explained it pretty well in a short couple sentences actually. thanks for the great feedback. glad it is a good poem at least. I can't be disappointed because I already knew it was not exactly a sonnet having read some really good ones. regards, mike
Comment from Nichola
This is a lovely poem; however, it does not follow the correct accented syllable pattern in an iambic pentameter of a sonnet. The accents are supposed to be as follows, for each line: da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM. You can see that the accent is always on the second syllable.
Each line should also have ten syllables. I believe your fourth line in the first stanza has only nine.
Nichola
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
|
This is a lovely poem; however, it does not follow the correct accented syllable pattern in an iambic pentameter of a sonnet. The accents are supposed to be as follows, for each line: da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM da DUM. You can see that the accent is always on the second syllable.
Each line should also have ten syllables. I believe your fourth line in the first stanza has only nine.
Nichola
Comment Written 25-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
-
oh my. fixed that. I dropped a word when editing. you would laugh if you knew the list of distinguished poets that missed that!!! good catch. glad you like the poem. shall study the meter in more detail. I think I will leave this as is and begin a new one. I tried to adapt a song I had written. sort of cheating. hahaha. thank you so much very helpful. mike
Comment from adewpearl
Your rhymes are strong, in good English sonnet format
Since the rhyming adheres to traditional sonnet style, I expected the meter would too, but it doesn't.
Traditional sonnets use iambic meter - daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM, with each line starting off with an unstressed beat
followed by a stressed beat, then follow that pattern
you have some lines that do that:
a MUTE withOUT my MUSic NOT by CHOICE
but you also have quite a few lines that do not follow that pattern
I like the imagery and alliteration in a mute without my music
Excellent musical imagery throughout in this heartfelt poem of love and longing :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
|
Your rhymes are strong, in good English sonnet format
Since the rhyming adheres to traditional sonnet style, I expected the meter would too, but it doesn't.
Traditional sonnets use iambic meter - daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM daDUM, with each line starting off with an unstressed beat
followed by a stressed beat, then follow that pattern
you have some lines that do that:
a MUTE withOUT my MUSic NOT by CHOICE
but you also have quite a few lines that do not follow that pattern
I like the imagery and alliteration in a mute without my music
Excellent musical imagery throughout in this heartfelt poem of love and longing :-) Brooke
Comment Written 25-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
-
Oh. Yes, I see that now. See, in one line you make clear what an hour on Google couldn't. Internet indeed! This was originally a song that I tried to adapt to the form. I think I should start from scratch with all of this in mind. Thank you so very much. Very helpful, Mike
Comment from RGstar
You certainly follow the structure of what I would call an Elizabethan Sonnet. Given identity by the Italian poet,
Giacomo Di Lentini,
Shakespeare more famous for its passage, as he was to conclude over 150 of them.
One unstressed syllable followed by 5 stressed. That's open to debate in reference to how it is read.
For me....a sonnet.
A sonnet has its roots set in song, and you have given this the stem and branches to bear fruit through words.
We often use song as a means to communicate. Not in place of the spoken word, but an extension of it.
The emotions are multiplied because of its rich poetic value.
It laments as it delivers.
Not only your love for the source of its arrow is achieved here, but also the love for your instrument.
A sonnet is the perfect tribute, which brings words and song to a never-ending solution, which is ageless and immortal. A song can never die. Forgotten perhaps, but never die.
What perfect romance?
Tones, with flown..perhaps the only weakness in an otherwise perfect sonnet.
The rhythm is continuous.
Your last couplet ices the cake:
''On silver winds, hear what my heartsong brings.
My voice, my guitar. Listen! Touch the strings.''
Beautiful, in true medieval times. Endless.
Rgstar
Roy
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
|
You certainly follow the structure of what I would call an Elizabethan Sonnet. Given identity by the Italian poet,
Giacomo Di Lentini,
Shakespeare more famous for its passage, as he was to conclude over 150 of them.
One unstressed syllable followed by 5 stressed. That's open to debate in reference to how it is read.
For me....a sonnet.
A sonnet has its roots set in song, and you have given this the stem and branches to bear fruit through words.
We often use song as a means to communicate. Not in place of the spoken word, but an extension of it.
The emotions are multiplied because of its rich poetic value.
It laments as it delivers.
Not only your love for the source of its arrow is achieved here, but also the love for your instrument.
A sonnet is the perfect tribute, which brings words and song to a never-ending solution, which is ageless and immortal. A song can never die. Forgotten perhaps, but never die.
What perfect romance?
Tones, with flown..perhaps the only weakness in an otherwise perfect sonnet.
The rhythm is continuous.
Your last couplet ices the cake:
''On silver winds, hear what my heartsong brings.
My voice, my guitar. Listen! Touch the strings.''
Beautiful, in true medieval times. Endless.
Rgstar
Roy
Comment Written 25-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
-
this is a wonderful response. gives me a real feel for what a sonnet is and is supposed to be. very perceptive as well. "tones" indeed is a word thrown in without a great deal of thought and needs to be looked at. when I first arrived at this site I had not the first clue as to why there was value in forms such as this. foolish of me, as I am a trained classical pianist and call upon it often in my little pop tunes. thank you kindly for your time and always most valuable input, mike
Comment from Cookie333
Mike, I am learning this form as well. I am not finding it to be fun, a bit too formal and stifling for my personal style. I have Googled how to write a sonnet for dummies- obviously I shall be no help with the form- I do hope some others might help with that. I enjoyed the theme and presentation if that helps any
Thanks
Karen
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
|
Mike, I am learning this form as well. I am not finding it to be fun, a bit too formal and stifling for my personal style. I have Googled how to write a sonnet for dummies- obviously I shall be no help with the form- I do hope some others might help with that. I enjoyed the theme and presentation if that helps any
Thanks
Karen
Comment Written 25-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
-
we are of a like mind. I went to the same site! yes, getting a lot of input mostly da-DUM advice. hahaha. what a lame joke. I think the key is the meter which is my least favorite thing. well, glad you liked the poem part of it. mike
Comment from CR Delport
I don't know enough about sonnets to comment on that, but it is a beautiful poem that is well written. I have always wanted to learn to play the guitar but haven't got around to it yet.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
|
I don't know enough about sonnets to comment on that, but it is a beautiful poem that is well written. I have always wanted to learn to play the guitar but haven't got around to it yet.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
-
me neither. one of the writers gave me homework. hahaha. crazies! I stole a lot of the words from one of my songs. my first "Sonnet". don't have a clue. counting the beats on my fingers. glad you liked the poem though. thank you, mike
Comment from Sankey
Different but nice in it's own strange way. Could almost lend itself to a tune somewhere. The picture you chose is good as well.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
|
Different but nice in it's own strange way. Could almost lend itself to a tune somewhere. The picture you chose is good as well.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 25-Sep-2013
-
I took a lot of the words from a song I wrote. never wrote one of these Sonnets before. a bit formal for me. I like the picture too. more or less a shy boy afraid to approach a gal so, he just sits by himself singing and playing his guitar about her dreaming his song reaches her somehow. mike
