| Humor Non-Fiction posted July 15, 2020 |
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Advice Column
Ask P&P
by damommy
Red is PC
Blue is Patch
Mary Furlong’s cat asks:
"My human is crazy about cats. Not just me. Every cat that comes down the pike gets a big welcome. This may sound snobbish, but some of them are riffraff, and there goes the neighborhood. What should I do?"
Be glad she’s such a softie, or you may not have had a home. Move over and get ready for newcomers. Change your cat-itude and you’ll make some good friends.
Oh, you have my sympathies. I hate to share my human and my food with any other cats. You must assert yourself as the cattus primum. Your human will not like this and want to set up a democracy but I think you should set up an AristoCATcy!
Spangle’s cat asks:
How can I make my human purr?
Well, now, all we cats know humans are inferior to us, and we shouldn’t judge them by our standards. I’ve heard humans try to purr, and it’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. I think you will have to do the purring for both of you.
PC is right. But consider the lions, our large cousins, they can’t purr either. Perhaps being too big makes it hard to vibrate the whole body. So share your purring gift with your human. They can only roar.
LisaMay’s cat asks:
Why is she making me wear a collar and bell? It's not fair. She always knows where I am. It's a breach of privacy. I know my rights. I haven't broken any laws. Why doesn't SHE wear one?
Unfortunately, dear, she has opposable thumbs. She doesn’t wear one because you’re unable to buckle one on her. Keep trying.
Ah, privacy is tricky with humans. They don’t want us to follow them into that small room with the smells. That’s okay, though, because that’s where they keep that rain machine and get themselves all wet. Yuck.
Spangle’s cat asks:
Why don't humans have whiskers the width of their shoulders like me?
They wouldn’t know how to use them, and they wouldn’t look as elegant with them as we do. It’s so unfortunate for them.
Well, maybe you have not seen some human whiskers:
Jan’s cat Abby asks:
Hi Patch & PC, I'm Abby.
I need to know why humans insist on calling cats names other than their real name? Can you imagine other humans (mind you those not related or in a relationship) being called by silly, sometimes stupid names--at least they are to us!
Also, why do humans play music so loud that the speakers reverberate? It is so annoying.
Awesome Abby
Dear Abby,
I have no idea why humans do so many things they do. Maybe they can’t remember your name because humans don’t have good memories like we do. We have to cut them some slack. They mean well.
Regarding the music, the boom boom of music is certainly annoying. When they get out of the car, start howling at the top of your lungs, giving them a taste of their own medicine.
Your humans call each other silly names such as "dear" "honey" or even "snookums" - it's what they love so they are just talking lovey words to you. It's like if I wanted to compliment another cat, I'd call them "fish-breath."
As for the music. I personally like Mozart. But if your human plays death metal, start coughing up a hairball fast!
Hope you find something soothing like this cat below.
/https://public-media.si-cdn.com/filer/18/07/18075892-6167-404f-8cc4-bf18a7195db7/hu044747.jpg)
Red is PC
Blue is Patch
Mary Furlong’s cat asks:
"My human is crazy about cats. Not just me. Every cat that comes down the pike gets a big welcome. This may sound snobbish, but some of them are riffraff, and there goes the neighborhood. What should I do?"
Be glad she’s such a softie, or you may not have had a home. Move over and get ready for newcomers. Change your cat-itude and you’ll make some good friends.
Oh, you have my sympathies. I hate to share my human and my food with any other cats. You must assert yourself as the cattus primum. Your human will not like this and want to set up a democracy but I think you should set up an AristoCATcy!
Spangle’s cat asks:
How can I make my human purr?
Well, now, all we cats know humans are inferior to us, and we shouldn’t judge them by our standards. I’ve heard humans try to purr, and it’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. I think you will have to do the purring for both of you.
PC is right. But consider the lions, our large cousins, they can’t purr either. Perhaps being too big makes it hard to vibrate the whole body. So share your purring gift with your human. They can only roar.
LisaMay’s cat asks:
Why is she making me wear a collar and bell? It's not fair. She always knows where I am. It's a breach of privacy. I know my rights. I haven't broken any laws. Why doesn't SHE wear one?
Unfortunately, dear, she has opposable thumbs. She doesn’t wear one because you’re unable to buckle one on her. Keep trying.
Ah, privacy is tricky with humans. They don’t want us to follow them into that small room with the smells. That’s okay, though, because that’s where they keep that rain machine and get themselves all wet. Yuck.
Spangle’s cat asks:
Why don't humans have whiskers the width of their shoulders like me?
They wouldn’t know how to use them, and they wouldn’t look as elegant with them as we do. It’s so unfortunate for them.
Well, maybe you have not seen some human whiskers:
Jan’s cat Abby asks:
Hi Patch & PC, I'm Abby.
I need to know why humans insist on calling cats names other than their real name? Can you imagine other humans (mind you those not related or in a relationship) being called by silly, sometimes stupid names--at least they are to us!
Also, why do humans play music so loud that the speakers reverberate? It is so annoying.
Awesome Abby
Dear Abby,
I have no idea why humans do so many things they do. Maybe they can’t remember your name because humans don’t have good memories like we do. We have to cut them some slack. They mean well.
Regarding the music, the boom boom of music is certainly annoying. When they get out of the car, start howling at the top of your lungs, giving them a taste of their own medicine.
Your humans call each other silly names such as "dear" "honey" or even "snookums" - it's what they love so they are just talking lovey words to you. It's like if I wanted to compliment another cat, I'd call them "fish-breath."
As for the music. I personally like Mozart. But if your human plays death metal, start coughing up a hairball fast!
Hope you find something soothing like this cat below.
Blue is Patch
Mary Furlong’s cat asks:
"My human is crazy about cats. Not just me. Every cat that comes down the pike gets a big welcome. This may sound snobbish, but some of them are riffraff, and there goes the neighborhood. What should I do?"
Be glad she’s such a softie, or you may not have had a home. Move over and get ready for newcomers. Change your cat-itude and you’ll make some good friends.
Oh, you have my sympathies. I hate to share my human and my food with any other cats. You must assert yourself as the cattus primum. Your human will not like this and want to set up a democracy but I think you should set up an AristoCATcy!
Spangle’s cat asks:
How can I make my human purr?
Well, now, all we cats know humans are inferior to us, and we shouldn’t judge them by our standards. I’ve heard humans try to purr, and it’s the silliest thing I’ve ever heard. I think you will have to do the purring for both of you.
PC is right. But consider the lions, our large cousins, they can’t purr either. Perhaps being too big makes it hard to vibrate the whole body. So share your purring gift with your human. They can only roar.
LisaMay’s cat asks:
Why is she making me wear a collar and bell? It's not fair. She always knows where I am. It's a breach of privacy. I know my rights. I haven't broken any laws. Why doesn't SHE wear one?
Unfortunately, dear, she has opposable thumbs. She doesn’t wear one because you’re unable to buckle one on her. Keep trying.
Ah, privacy is tricky with humans. They don’t want us to follow them into that small room with the smells. That’s okay, though, because that’s where they keep that rain machine and get themselves all wet. Yuck.
Spangle’s cat asks:
Why don't humans have whiskers the width of their shoulders like me?
They wouldn’t know how to use them, and they wouldn’t look as elegant with them as we do. It’s so unfortunate for them.
Well, maybe you have not seen some human whiskers:
Jan’s cat Abby asks:
Hi Patch & PC, I'm Abby.
I need to know why humans insist on calling cats names other than their real name? Can you imagine other humans (mind you those not related or in a relationship) being called by silly, sometimes stupid names--at least they are to us!
Also, why do humans play music so loud that the speakers reverberate? It is so annoying.
Awesome Abby
Dear Abby,
I have no idea why humans do so many things they do. Maybe they can’t remember your name because humans don’t have good memories like we do. We have to cut them some slack. They mean well.
Regarding the music, the boom boom of music is certainly annoying. When they get out of the car, start howling at the top of your lungs, giving them a taste of their own medicine.
Your humans call each other silly names such as "dear" "honey" or even "snookums" - it's what they love so they are just talking lovey words to you. It's like if I wanted to compliment another cat, I'd call them "fish-breath."
As for the music. I personally like Mozart. But if your human plays death metal, start coughing up a hairball fast!
Hope you find something soothing like this cat below.
 Recognized |
This is a joint column between Patch (lynochka) and PC (damommy). We will be taking turns posting it. All you pets, please give us your name so we can identify with you better. 8-) I hope you enjoy this. Send us your questions, please.
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