| Satire Script posted April 9, 2020 |
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The Earth Revolves Around the Son
Praise the Lord
by Elizabeth Emerald
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
A BARE STAGE WILL SUFFICE (Speaker is a 20-ish young man) God has been good to me. I am blessed to be His son. That's a lower-case "son"! Rest assured: I'm no megalomaniac operating under the delusion of being the Second Coming of Jesus. So yes, I am not The Son of God -- just one son of all His children. He loves each and every one of us. In the name of Jesus, He forgives us our sin, provided we accept Christ as our personal Savior. The day I was "born again" was the most glorious day of my life. And ever since that day, miracles have abounded. Well, OK, "miracles" might be a bit of a stretch. Let's just say "blessings". Now, I'm not so self-important that I credit Jesus every time I find a parking space. After all, He has more important things to do than tend to my convenience. Still, He has, nonetheless, worked wonders. Case in point #1: I'm not proud of this, but right before I was born again I got my then-girlfriend pregnant. She was a Catholic and wouldn't consider abortion. Not that I pressured her to get an abortion. After all, as a Christian, I knew abortion was wrong. And I'd become Christian right before we found out that she was pregnant. By that time, she was a couple of months along. It seemed so unfair that I should have to suffer for the sin I committed before I converted! I prayed to the Lord to help me, somehow, out of this mess. The last thing I needed was to have to marry a girl -- who by the way, wasn't a real Christian -- just because I did something stupid in my past life. Besides, how do I know for sure it was even my child? Lo and behold! The Lord made her miscarry. Fear no shotgun! Case in point #2: I'm not proud of this either, but I've secretly resented this fellow, Joe, at school for four years now. He's on the track team with me, and has always -- always! -- won every Goddamned (oops -- force of habit!) race. Of course, I've always had to suck it up and congratulate him, be a good sport and all that. Joe's very humble, doesn't gloat or anything -- I'd honestly like the guy if I didn't hate him so much! -- but nevertheless, it sucks that he always wins! It seemed so unfair that with my training all these years I shouldn't be the one who wins! I prayed to the Lord to let me -- for once in my life -- win. Lo and behold! The Lord made Joe break his leg. He's been out of commission all semester! Just last week I won the 100-meter sprint. Case in point #3: I'm not proud of this either, but I've always been pretty lazy about studying. Even after becoming Christian, I never could seem to make myself buckle down and hit the books -- other than The Book, that is! It seemed so unfair that with my devotion to The Bible that I should suffer lousy grades on account of having less time for my schoolwork. I was heading for a big fat F as in "French" class. I prayed to the Lord to help me -- somehow -- pass the exam. Lo and behold! The Lord made Monsieur Dubois have a heart attack. The final has been canceled until further notice. I'll be praying, of course, for his (eventual) recovery. God has been good to me.
Thanks to seshadri_sreenivasan for the artwork: Beyond Identity for God's Sake
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. Credit to Kenneth Gagne for his clever idea: God (preferably played by Morgan Freeman) would be standing off to the side silently glaring as His "son" speaks. I put a warning in for language not only because of the utterance "Goddamned" but also with hope of deterring Christians who would be offended by the theme of this satirical piece. My intent is to make mockery of outrageous self-absorption; I made the star of this one-man show a purported "Christian" by whose piety is conveyed his sense of entitlement. Artwork by seshadri_sreenivasan at FanArtReview.com 
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