| Humor Non-Fiction posted March 25, 2020 |
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Love and Learn!
And the List Goes On
by Elizabeth Emerald
Just a year after divorcing my first husband, Doug, I married Michael. The second time, I knew better. (So I thought.) That is, I knew what I did---and didn't---want in a husband. In the debit column of my makeshift accounting ledger I entered the unpleasant traits of Doug: antisocial, angry, self-defeating. The corresponding credit entries for Michael: engaging, content, confident.
Alas, shortly after our fifth anniversary, Michael's credits morphed into malignant versions of their former selves and migrated forthwith to the debit column. His once-inclusive social graces restricted themselves to the privileged few he didn't disdain, warm-and-cozies cooling into contempt for the masses. His alacrity turned bitter, the erstwhile enthusiasm for parent-and-husband-hood devolved into disenchantment with the irritants---and resentment regarding the expenses---of family life. His quiet self-confidence unfurled with fanfare into pompous self-importance and out-loud arrogance.
After divorce number two, I whipped out my wish list and amended it accordingly. The next man up was accordingly kind-hearted, child-friendly, and humble. He was also Delusional, Debt-ridden, and Drunk.
When that ship sank, the three Ds on board thus having mercifully drowned, their phantom "fliplets"---Sane, Solvent, and Sober---marched themselves front and center onto my Must-Haves.
Enter "Best Man" Chuck: Check, Check, Check.
Here's hoping Chuck doesn't drop dead or drop out. If he does, I'll just have to pen in three more requirements for the next guy at the gate. Per (reviewer) Cynthia Adams' excellent suggestion, the first should be longevity---no way do I want to go through this process again! (The other two must-haves I'll leave to your imagination.)
Just a year after divorcing my first husband, Doug, I married Michael. The second time, I knew better. (So I thought.) That is, I knew what I did---and didn't---want in a husband. In the debit column of my makeshift accounting ledger I entered the unpleasant traits of Doug: antisocial, angry, self-defeating. The corresponding credit entries for Michael: engaging, content, confident.
Alas, shortly after our fifth anniversary, Michael's credits morphed into malignant versions of their former selves and migrated forthwith to the debit column. His once-inclusive social graces restricted themselves to the privileged few he didn't disdain, warm-and-cozies cooling into contempt for the masses. His alacrity turned bitter, the erstwhile enthusiasm for parent-and-husband-hood devolved into disenchantment with the irritants---and resentment regarding the expenses---of family life. His quiet self-confidence unfurled with fanfare into pompous self-importance and out-loud arrogance.
After divorce number two, I whipped out my wish list and amended it accordingly. The next man up was accordingly kind-hearted, child-friendly, and humble. He was also Delusional, Debt-ridden, and Drunk.
When that ship sank, the three Ds on board thus having mercifully drowned, their phantom "fliplets"---Sane, Solvent, and Sober---marched themselves front and center onto my Must-Haves.
Enter "Best Man" Chuck: Check, Check, Check.
Here's hoping Chuck doesn't drop dead or drop out. If he does, I'll just have to pen in three more requirements for the next guy at the gate. Per (reviewer) Cynthia Adams' excellent suggestion, the first should be longevity---no way do I want to go through this process again! (The other two must-haves I'll leave to your imagination.)
Alas, shortly after our fifth anniversary, Michael's credits morphed into malignant versions of their former selves and migrated forthwith to the debit column. His once-inclusive social graces restricted themselves to the privileged few he didn't disdain, warm-and-cozies cooling into contempt for the masses. His alacrity turned bitter, the erstwhile enthusiasm for parent-and-husband-hood devolved into disenchantment with the irritants---and resentment regarding the expenses---of family life. His quiet self-confidence unfurled with fanfare into pompous self-importance and out-loud arrogance.
After divorce number two, I whipped out my wish list and amended it accordingly. The next man up was accordingly kind-hearted, child-friendly, and humble. He was also Delusional, Debt-ridden, and Drunk.
When that ship sank, the three Ds on board thus having mercifully drowned, their phantom "fliplets"---Sane, Solvent, and Sober---marched themselves front and center onto my Must-Haves.
Enter "Best Man" Chuck: Check, Check, Check.
Here's hoping Chuck doesn't drop dead or drop out. If he does, I'll just have to pen in three more requirements for the next guy at the gate. Per (reviewer) Cynthia Adams' excellent suggestion, the first should be longevity---no way do I want to go through this process again! (The other two must-haves I'll leave to your imagination.)
 Recognized |
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Thanks to MoonWillow for the artwork: The Great Escape in B & W
For purposes of clarity and decorum, I refer to my ex-husbands as Doug and Michael; they're both DICKs.
Chuck and I are not on the same spiritual page; indeed, we're not in the same book: his is The Bible. Which is conducive to spirited debate. Which too often devolves into dispiriting strife. Good thing we met late in life--we could never have raised a family together!
Pays
one point
and 2 member cents. For purposes of clarity and decorum, I refer to my ex-husbands as Doug and Michael; they're both DICKs.
Chuck and I are not on the same spiritual page; indeed, we're not in the same book: his is The Bible. Which is conducive to spirited debate. Which too often devolves into dispiriting strife. Good thing we met late in life--we could never have raised a family together!
Artwork by MoonWillow at FanArtReview.com
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