| Self Improvement Non-Fiction posted October 18, 2012 |
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When a family member manipulates
Don't be bulldozed by family
by Titanx9
Granted most family members are loyal to each other and wish each other the best, but there are some family members that are toxic and dysfunctional and will draw other members into a morass of never-ending discord. If it happens to you, act proactively to thwart the offensive behavior before it becomes entrenched. Should you desire to have a relationship on some level with these types, you need to set limits, and arm yourself against emotional manipulation.
Insist on being respected
If you believe there is some inequality in how family members treat you versus how they treat others, deal with it right away. For example, if your more affluent family members believe they must give you their leftovers or hand-me downs, the exchange should be between you and that family member and not the entire clan. Circumstances may be that you are not where your relatives are financially, but that does not mean they should disrespect you. Just as the “uptown/downtown” mentality exists in society, it is also present in families. You must nix the conduct the minute it rears its head. If you can do without their charity, then politely decline it. This will not only ensure there's ongoing peace in the family, but will also aid you in seeing to your own needs.
Unfortunately, these are the types of mindsets that can become generational in families that can lead to more divisiveness. There will always be those who think those across the track or who live in certain parts of town are less than themselves.
Discuss the bad behavior
Beware of self-appointed gatekeepers. This sort believes he or she has an obligation to keep everyone in line and will often be the one with the moral megaphone. They are ready to tell you what you did wrong and often in the presence of others. This is their way of affirming with all family members their place as the moral arbiter in the family. If this should happen to you, denounce the behavior immediately and in the strongest terms. Refuse to feel guilty because you had the mettle to stand up to the boorish behavior. Wait until your anger abates and take this relative aside to discuss his or her behavior. If they don't have a mental challenge, explain how such behavior creates havoc in the family. You should be prepared to offer ways he or she may use their talents to unite the family rather than divide it. If your attempt fails, and if you do not want to continue to be bullied by this family member, you should avoid them as much as possible. There will be some that nothing short of counseling will get them to change their ways, but just ensure it's not you that ends up on the counselor's couch.
Erect parameters
If you cannot do something a family member requests, give him or her a reason why you cannot do what they are asking. If possible, offer an alternative. They should respect your decision and should not attempt to intimidate or make you feel guilty because you said no. For the sake of peace, determine what you can and cannot abide, but do not be too rigid. In families, like everyplace else, there is always room for compromise. If you believe the situation has gotten out of hand, suggest a family forum. This venue will allow everyone to discuss their feelings. Do not attack the gatekeeper, that is not the purpose. Your goal is to establish rules that include parameters of acceptable behavior. Hopefully, they will ensure future family gatherings are relatively peaceful.
If there are members in your family that use manipulative tactics to get you to bend to their will, or they disrespect you because you lack the resources they have, perhaps, you might want to think about not accepting what they offer. You love your family, but there are times, you must set limits and erect parameters. It makes for a better relationship with each member. If the moral arbiter will listen, try to discuss with him or her, or by way of a family forum, the fundamentals of acceptable behavior in a family structure.
Granted most family members are loyal to each other and wish each other the best, but there are some family members that are toxic and dysfunctional and will draw other members into a morass of never-ending discord. If it happens to you, act proactively to thwart the offensive behavior before it becomes entrenched. Should you desire to have a relationship on some level with these types, you need to set limits, and arm yourself against emotional manipulation.
Insist on being respected
If you believe there is some inequality in how family members treat you versus how they treat others, deal with it right away. For example, if your more affluent family members believe they must give you their leftovers or hand-me downs, the exchange should be between you and that family member and not the entire clan. Circumstances may be that you are not where your relatives are financially, but that does not mean they should disrespect you. Just as the “uptown/downtown” mentality exists in society, it is also present in families. You must nix the conduct the minute it rears its head. If you can do without their charity, then politely decline it. This will not only ensure there's ongoing peace in the family, but will also aid you in seeing to your own needs.
Unfortunately, these are the types of mindsets that can become generational in families that can lead to more divisiveness. There will always be those who think those across the track or who live in certain parts of town are less than themselves.
Discuss the bad behavior
Beware of self-appointed gatekeepers. This sort believes he or she has an obligation to keep everyone in line and will often be the one with the moral megaphone. They are ready to tell you what you did wrong and often in the presence of others. This is their way of affirming with all family members their place as the moral arbiter in the family. If this should happen to you, denounce the behavior immediately and in the strongest terms. Refuse to feel guilty because you had the mettle to stand up to the boorish behavior. Wait until your anger abates and take this relative aside to discuss his or her behavior. If they don't have a mental challenge, explain how such behavior creates havoc in the family. You should be prepared to offer ways he or she may use their talents to unite the family rather than divide it. If your attempt fails, and if you do not want to continue to be bullied by this family member, you should avoid them as much as possible. There will be some that nothing short of counseling will get them to change their ways, but just ensure it's not you that ends up on the counselor's couch.
Erect parameters
If you cannot do something a family member requests, give him or her a reason why you cannot do what they are asking. If possible, offer an alternative. They should respect your decision and should not attempt to intimidate or make you feel guilty because you said no. For the sake of peace, determine what you can and cannot abide, but do not be too rigid. In families, like everyplace else, there is always room for compromise. If you believe the situation has gotten out of hand, suggest a family forum. This venue will allow everyone to discuss their feelings. Do not attack the gatekeeper, that is not the purpose. Your goal is to establish rules that include parameters of acceptable behavior. Hopefully, they will ensure future family gatherings are relatively peaceful.
If there are members in your family that use manipulative tactics to get you to bend to their will, or they disrespect you because you lack the resources they have, perhaps, you might want to think about not accepting what they offer. You love your family, but there are times, you must set limits and erect parameters. It makes for a better relationship with each member. If the moral arbiter will listen, try to discuss with him or her, or by way of a family forum, the fundamentals of acceptable behavior in a family structure.
Insist on being respected
If you believe there is some inequality in how family members treat you versus how they treat others, deal with it right away. For example, if your more affluent family members believe they must give you their leftovers or hand-me downs, the exchange should be between you and that family member and not the entire clan. Circumstances may be that you are not where your relatives are financially, but that does not mean they should disrespect you. Just as the “uptown/downtown” mentality exists in society, it is also present in families. You must nix the conduct the minute it rears its head. If you can do without their charity, then politely decline it. This will not only ensure there's ongoing peace in the family, but will also aid you in seeing to your own needs.
Unfortunately, these are the types of mindsets that can become generational in families that can lead to more divisiveness. There will always be those who think those across the track or who live in certain parts of town are less than themselves.
Discuss the bad behavior
Beware of self-appointed gatekeepers. This sort believes he or she has an obligation to keep everyone in line and will often be the one with the moral megaphone. They are ready to tell you what you did wrong and often in the presence of others. This is their way of affirming with all family members their place as the moral arbiter in the family. If this should happen to you, denounce the behavior immediately and in the strongest terms. Refuse to feel guilty because you had the mettle to stand up to the boorish behavior. Wait until your anger abates and take this relative aside to discuss his or her behavior. If they don't have a mental challenge, explain how such behavior creates havoc in the family. You should be prepared to offer ways he or she may use their talents to unite the family rather than divide it. If your attempt fails, and if you do not want to continue to be bullied by this family member, you should avoid them as much as possible. There will be some that nothing short of counseling will get them to change their ways, but just ensure it's not you that ends up on the counselor's couch.
Erect parameters
If you cannot do something a family member requests, give him or her a reason why you cannot do what they are asking. If possible, offer an alternative. They should respect your decision and should not attempt to intimidate or make you feel guilty because you said no. For the sake of peace, determine what you can and cannot abide, but do not be too rigid. In families, like everyplace else, there is always room for compromise. If you believe the situation has gotten out of hand, suggest a family forum. This venue will allow everyone to discuss their feelings. Do not attack the gatekeeper, that is not the purpose. Your goal is to establish rules that include parameters of acceptable behavior. Hopefully, they will ensure future family gatherings are relatively peaceful.
If there are members in your family that use manipulative tactics to get you to bend to their will, or they disrespect you because you lack the resources they have, perhaps, you might want to think about not accepting what they offer. You love your family, but there are times, you must set limits and erect parameters. It makes for a better relationship with each member. If the moral arbiter will listen, try to discuss with him or her, or by way of a family forum, the fundamentals of acceptable behavior in a family structure.
 Recognized |
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Many families have a "gatekeeper" or a busy body who will use manipulation to control the actions of other family members.
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