My Day On Board the Enterprise

    Let me tell you about my day.  It started like any other, with me planning to do absolutely nothing... maybe binge watch some TV shows, maybe order some pizza.  Nothing too exciting, right?  Then out of nowhere, I felt this weird, almost magical pull, like I was being yanked out of my own living room by some invisible force.  The next thing I knew, I was standing on the most polished, shiny floor I've ever seen in my life.  I looked around.  And that's when I realized:  I was on a spaceship.  Not just any spaceship.  The USS Enterprise.  And standing in front of me was none other than Captain James T. Kirk himself, looking at me like I had just jumped out of a hole in the space-time continuum.

 

    He raised an eyebrow.  "Who are you?" 

 

   "Uh... I'm just a girl," I said, completely baffled.  "I was sitting on my couch, scrolling through cat memes, and then...boom, I'm on a spaceship.  So, yeah, this is definitely not where I thought I'd end up today." 

 

   Kirk and another guy in a strange uniform exchanged a glance.  The second guy, who had pointy ears and a very serious face, took a step toward me. 

 

   "I am Spock," he said in a voice that could only be described as the ultimate "don't mess with me" tone.

 

   "Right, cool," I muttered, still processing everything.  "Spock, huh?  Like the guy from Star Trek?  Am I in  the Star Trek universe?  Because this is starting to feel like one of those weird dreams where you're naked in public, except with aliens and space.  And I'm not naked.  I just want to confirm that.  Kirk grinned. 

 

   "I'm Captain Kirk.  You're on the Enterprise.  Welcome aboard."

 

    He looked me up and down like I was some sort of weird space tourist that wandered in by accident.  "We need your help."

 

    "Help?" I asked, staring at him like he'd lost his mind. 

 

   "I'm just here because some random transporter thing decided I needed to be on a spaceship.  I don't know the first thing about space travel." 

 

   Spock, who clearly had no time for my nonsense, tapped a button on his communicator. 

 

   "There is no time to discuss how you arrived here.  We have a more pressing matter." 

 

   He looked at me like I was an intriguing science project. 

 

   "There is an alien on board.  It is... malfunctioning.  It appears to be of the shrinking variety. 

 

   "Wait, what?  Shrinking?  Like, with a ray?" I asked, starting to get concerned.  "Because if you're about to shrink me, I swear..." 

 

   "Oh no, not you," Kirk interrupted.  "It's an alien with a shrink ray.  We need someone to stop it before things get really out of hand."

 

    I looked at both of them like they were insane. 

 

   "I don't know how to stop an alien with a shrink ray.  You're seriously telling me you've got a shrink ray on board, and you think I can fix it?  I can barely figure out how to use my Wi-Fi." 

 

   Before they could respond, the doors to the bridge opened, and in floated the weirdest alien I've ever seen.  It looked like a giant jellyfish had a baby with a neon light, and the result was this pulsating, glowing potato with a face.  It hovered in the air, glowing in various colors like it had accidentally eaten a rainbow. 

 

   "I am Zorlok, ruler of the Zantarian Empire," it boomed in a voice that sounded like a bad bluetooth speaker.  "I have come to demonstrate my shrink ray." 

 

   I looked at Spock.  "That's the thing that's causing all the trouble?"

 

    "Yes," he said, looking completely unimpressed.  "It is indeed malfunctioning.  Now it appears that it wants to shrink you."

 

     I immediately pointed at the alien and shouted, "I knew it!  You said you were'nt going to shrink me!" 

 

   Zorlok, oblivious to my growing panic, pointed a glowing tentacle at me. 

 

   "Behold the power of my technology!"  And before I could even blink, everything around me grew huge.  And by huge, I mean that Captain Kirk now looked like a skyscraper.  My body felt all tingly, and then...boom, I was suddenly two feet tall. 

   "You shrank me!?" I screamed, looking up at the massive faces of Kirk and Spock.  "This is not what I signed up for.  I just wanted to eat my pizza, not shrink into oblivion!" 

 

   Kirk, still towering above me like some giant space god, looked down and smiled. 

   "Well, looks like you're seeing things from a new perspective.  Not a bad view, right?"

 

    "No, it's terrifying! I yelled.  I'm the size of a chihuahua.  Get me back to normal!" 

   

   "Fascinating.  The shrinking effect appears to be proportional." 

 

   I stared up at him, my tiny fists on my tiny hips. 

 

   "Okay, fine, le't fix this already.  I'm getting dizzy looking up at you." 

 

   Zorlok, meanwhile was hovering in the background, gleefully watching my distress. 

 

   "Now, you shall experience the power of my shrink ray."  "No, no, no, no, I muttered, but before I could make any more complaints, Zorlok hit me with another ray, and suddenly I was the size of a mouse.  It was like the universe was laughing at me.  I had been shrunk to the size of a tiny living thing.  I could see every detail on the floor now, including every scratch , every scruf, every shadow.  It was a nightmare.

 

    But then, as I glanced up at Zorlok's glowing, pulsating body, a thought crossed my mind. 

 

   "You know," I said, "if you can shrink me, maybe I can shrink you." 

 

   Zorlok's voice crackled in confusion. 

 

   "What?" 

 

   In that moment of brillance, or desperation, honestly, I spotted the control panel on the side of Zorlok's pulsating alien body.  I scampered over to it, dodging the giant footsteps of the crew, and somehow managed to press one of the buttons at random.  A flash of light.  A really bright flash of light.  And poof... now Zorlok was my size.  Two feet tall, just like me. 

 

   "What have you done!" Zorlok shrieked, floating around in a panic. 

 

   "Hey," I said with a smug grin, "looks like we're both in the same boat now, buddy." 

 

   The crew stared down at us, wide-eyed.  Kirk chuckled, his voice booming in the distance. 

 

   "Nice work!  You've turned the tables!"  

 

    Spock looked at the scene and, for the first time, showed the smallest hint of approval. 

 

   "Intriguing."

 

     I gave a little victory dance. 

 

   "Well, I guess it's not all bad.  But seriously, next time, I'm staying home.  No more space adventures for me."

 

     Dr McCoy walked up, glanced down at the tiny alien and then me, and sighed. 

 

   "This is going to take forever to fix.  But you, I like.  You make things interesting." 

 

   As the team worked on returning everyone to their proper size, I took one last look at the chaos I had caused. 

 

   "I swear," I muttered, "next time, I'm just ordering pizza and watching Netflix." 

 

   Kirk slapped me on the back. 

 

   "That's the spirit.  At least you've got a great story for your next Earth adventure.  How I shrank an alien by accident.  Classic." 

 

   And that, is how I accidentally ended up on the Enterprise, shrank an alien, and became the most unqualified hero in Starfleet history.