| General Fiction posted January 4, 2025 |
Pantomime time at The House of Commons
A Comedy of Errors
by Peter Jarvis
Prime Minister's Question Time, House of Commons, London
Date: Wednesday, 18 December 2024
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The Speaker: The Right Honourable Cuthbert Lyons-Osprey Tinkleton (CLOT)
Prime Minister: The Right Honourable Dr Ivor Plan (DRIP)
Leader of the Opposition: The Right Honourable Frederick Orpington-Odious Lamperooney (FOOL);
**********************************
Date: Wednesday, 18 December 2024
**********************************
The Speaker: The Right Honourable Cuthbert Lyons-Osprey Tinkleton (CLOT)
Prime Minister: The Right Honourable Dr Ivor Plan (DRIP)
Leader of the Opposition: The Right Honourable Frederick Orpington-Odious Lamperooney (FOOL);
**********************************
SPEAKER: ORDER!! ORDER!! This session is given over to the Leader of the Opposition, The Right Honourable Frederick Orpington-Odious Lamperooney (FOOL), to question The Prime Minister, Dr Ivor Plan (DRIP), on the Labour Party's first 6 months in power.
SPEAKER: I call the Prime Minister to take the floor - PRIME MINISTER!!
DRIP: Thank you, Mr Speaker. This morning, I shall hold a full cabinet meeting to discuss the great and good things we have achieved thus far. They are abundant and quite spectacular.
This afternoon, I will meet with the Chancellor, The Right Honourable Sebastian Collingwood-Crusty Mantabana (SCAM), to discuss additional ways of extracting more money from the pensioners. They have soaked the Government for far too long and it is time to get tough. One thing that we will be imposing is removing their free bus passes, and it is about time that we considered abolishing the Triple Lock thingy. We might get to start paying a bit of tax.
.
Later, I will visit Lord Ally Pally's tailor to be measured for five more suits and a hunting jacket.
SPEAKER: ORDER!! ORDER!! I now call the Leader of the Opposition, Frederick Orpington-Odious Lamperooney, to the despatch box.
FOOL: Thank you, Mr Speaker. Can I, first of all, ask the Prime Minister, given that his wretched party have many more years to inflict their misery on the country, if he has a long-term strategy, or is it the case of "let's make it up as we go along"
THE SPEAKER: ORDER!! ORDER!! We all want to hear what our Prime Minister has to say. Shut up or put up!
DRIP: Thank you, Mr Speaker. I certainly have a long-term strategy. For the next 2.5 years, we will blame the Tories for all our problems, and then, listen to this: for the remaining 2 years, we will blame them again!!
FOOL: I see, Prime Minister, most informative. Would you agree that you have broken every promise you made to the British electorate?
DRIP: Hang on a minute, Lampy. Do you honestly expect me to remember every promise I have made? Have you seen my inbox? In any event, as I have always made clear, "If you're going to break promises, you might as well make sure they're broken beautifully!" I am proud of this approach.
MP's "Hear!! Hear!! You tell him Drippy.
FOOL: Is that the best you can do, Drip? Perhaps we should call you Dripster because your managerial skills are about as sharp as a butter knife!
MP's: Hear! Hear!
THE SPEAKER: ORDER!! ORDER!! I will have order in the house, and will The Right Honourable MP for Littlehampton, Mr Roger Ruttles Everhard, stop leaning forward to gawp down the expansive and quite delightful cleavage of the Right Honourable Lady sat in front of you? You letch, this is a house of repute. PRIME MINISTER, back to you!
DRIP: "Thank you, Mr Speaker. I am doing my best; this job is challenging."
FOOL: Doing your best!! Doing your best! My arse. Sorry, Mr Speaker, about the language. Now let's discuss Labour's Autumn Budget, which is more of a Titanic than a budget! You promised not to raise taxes on working people, yet here we are, boarding the SS National Insurance increase!
DRIP: I think of it as a delightful cruise where everyone participates! Oops, I mean, we raised National Insurance because you left behind a big black hole of 22 billion big ones. It is all your fault! We had no choice! No gain without pain!
FOOL: "You had no choice, you say? Is that why you accepted designer suits and top-of-the-range spectacles from benevolent Lord Ally Pally? I suppose one needs to look good while plunging the country into financial despair. Also, I am now informed that you and your cronies accepted tickets to see Taylor Swift!
MP's: SHAME!! SHAME!!
THE SPEAKER: Please, I insist on order in the house. Also, this is the last warning you get, Mr Ruttles Everhard for attempting to get an eye full of The Right Honourable Lady's voluminous, bouncing, lovely cleavage. Prime Minister, you have the floor
DRIP: For a man in my position, I need to look very businesslike and dapper, and only the very best will do. I must impress the likes of that sociable Mr Putin and Mr Trump. In any case, I have only 35 suits and six pairs of glasses left. What am I supposed to do?
All my gifts have been correctly recorded in the Register of Members Interest. The suits have been recorded as 'working clothes' because that is what they are. When I go to work, I wear clothes, and those are suits, working clothes. Simple!!
However, I do apologise for accepting Taylor Swift tickets, as I really wanted to see Robbie Williams. Never mind; I'll put the Taylor Swift tickets on eBay. I should get enough to help with my heating bill.
Later, I will visit Lord Ally Pally's tailor to be measured for five more suits and a hunting jacket.
SPEAKER: ORDER!! ORDER!! I now call the Leader of the Opposition, Frederick Orpington-Odious Lamperooney, to the despatch box.
FOOL: Thank you, Mr Speaker. Can I, first of all, ask the Prime Minister, given that his wretched party have many more years to inflict their misery on the country, if he has a long-term strategy, or is it the case of "let's make it up as we go along"
THE SPEAKER: ORDER!! ORDER!! We all want to hear what our Prime Minister has to say. Shut up or put up!
DRIP: Thank you, Mr Speaker. I certainly have a long-term strategy. For the next 2.5 years, we will blame the Tories for all our problems, and then, listen to this: for the remaining 2 years, we will blame them again!!
FOOL: I see, Prime Minister, most informative. Would you agree that you have broken every promise you made to the British electorate?
DRIP: Hang on a minute, Lampy. Do you honestly expect me to remember every promise I have made? Have you seen my inbox? In any event, as I have always made clear, "If you're going to break promises, you might as well make sure they're broken beautifully!" I am proud of this approach.
MP's "Hear!! Hear!! You tell him Drippy.
FOOL: Is that the best you can do, Drip? Perhaps we should call you Dripster because your managerial skills are about as sharp as a butter knife!
MP's: Hear! Hear!
THE SPEAKER: ORDER!! ORDER!! I will have order in the house, and will The Right Honourable MP for Littlehampton, Mr Roger Ruttles Everhard, stop leaning forward to gawp down the expansive and quite delightful cleavage of the Right Honourable Lady sat in front of you? You letch, this is a house of repute. PRIME MINISTER, back to you!
DRIP: "Thank you, Mr Speaker. I am doing my best; this job is challenging."
FOOL: Doing your best!! Doing your best! My arse. Sorry, Mr Speaker, about the language. Now let's discuss Labour's Autumn Budget, which is more of a Titanic than a budget! You promised not to raise taxes on working people, yet here we are, boarding the SS National Insurance increase!
DRIP: I think of it as a delightful cruise where everyone participates! Oops, I mean, we raised National Insurance because you left behind a big black hole of 22 billion big ones. It is all your fault! We had no choice! No gain without pain!
FOOL: "You had no choice, you say? Is that why you accepted designer suits and top-of-the-range spectacles from benevolent Lord Ally Pally? I suppose one needs to look good while plunging the country into financial despair. Also, I am now informed that you and your cronies accepted tickets to see Taylor Swift!
MP's: SHAME!! SHAME!!
THE SPEAKER: Please, I insist on order in the house. Also, this is the last warning you get, Mr Ruttles Everhard for attempting to get an eye full of The Right Honourable Lady's voluminous, bouncing, lovely cleavage. Prime Minister, you have the floor
DRIP: For a man in my position, I need to look very businesslike and dapper, and only the very best will do. I must impress the likes of that sociable Mr Putin and Mr Trump. In any case, I have only 35 suits and six pairs of glasses left. What am I supposed to do?
All my gifts have been correctly recorded in the Register of Members Interest. The suits have been recorded as 'working clothes' because that is what they are. When I go to work, I wear clothes, and those are suits, working clothes. Simple!!
However, I do apologise for accepting Taylor Swift tickets, as I really wanted to see Robbie Williams. Never mind; I'll put the Taylor Swift tickets on eBay. I should get enough to help with my heating bill.
I have some good, Lord Ally Pally has found me some Robbie Williams concert tickets in Dubai. I am super excited!
MP's: Ha! Ha! Suits you, Drippy!!!
SPEAKER: Order! Let's keep this relevant, please! Mr Ruttles Everard, I have had quite enough of your debauched and depraved conduct. Please leave the chamber and on the way out let me have your camera and binoculars. I will return the camera in due course when I have had a good butchers.
FOOL: Thank you, Mr Speaker. However, isn't it more relevant that while the hapless bunch of clowns opposite are playing the glam game and swanning off to the theatre free of charge, pensioners are freezing and are forced to decide between heating and eating, and now farmers are losing their livelihoods over your broken promises? Some farmers are facing bankruptcy.
DRIP: Oh, come now! Let's be reasonable. They don't even wear suits; all they wear are cheap wellies and dirty overalls, and they cannot go to the theatre because they stink of manure. Farmers are just having a rough patch! They simply need to plough through this.Ha ha, I am full of them today, do you see what I did there.
MP's: Hear! Hear! Nice one Drippy
FOOL: With your selfish changes to Inheritance Tax, they may have to sell their farms to stay afloat! Is this your idea of "keeping it local"?
DRIP: "Keeping it local" sounds like a catchy slogan! Maybe I will order all farmers to paint it across their barn doors!
MP's: Ha! Ha! Suits you, Drippy!!!
SPEAKER: Order! Let's keep this relevant, please! Mr Ruttles Everard, I have had quite enough of your debauched and depraved conduct. Please leave the chamber and on the way out let me have your camera and binoculars. I will return the camera in due course when I have had a good butchers.
FOOL: Thank you, Mr Speaker. However, isn't it more relevant that while the hapless bunch of clowns opposite are playing the glam game and swanning off to the theatre free of charge, pensioners are freezing and are forced to decide between heating and eating, and now farmers are losing their livelihoods over your broken promises? Some farmers are facing bankruptcy.
DRIP: Oh, come now! Let's be reasonable. They don't even wear suits; all they wear are cheap wellies and dirty overalls, and they cannot go to the theatre because they stink of manure. Farmers are just having a rough patch! They simply need to plough through this.Ha ha, I am full of them today, do you see what I did there.
MP's: Hear! Hear! Nice one Drippy
FOOL: With your selfish changes to Inheritance Tax, they may have to sell their farms to stay afloat! Is this your idea of "keeping it local"?
DRIP: "Keeping it local" sounds like a catchy slogan! Maybe I will order all farmers to paint it across their barn doors!
FOOL: Oh, how very droll, Dripstick
DRIP: Mr Speaker, our government has made significant strides in healthcare reform."
DRIP: Mr Speaker, our government has made significant strides in healthcare reform."
FOOL: Mr Speaker, healthcare reform is a total joke. You promised to build more hospitals, maybe in your mind. The hospitals are full, and the waiting has increased by 35% since Labour took over the reins. Your healthcare policy is about as much good as a one-legged man in an arse-kicking contest. You said that we would have doctors at every corner, yet I think that I have seen more pink unicorns than doctors at my local clinic.
DRIP: (winking like a deranged idiot) Mr Speaker, let us not forget that unicorns are magical. Just like our health policies. They are mystical, creating a sense of wonder. Who needs reality when you can use your imagination? Everybody will be happy and fit, and the hospitals will be empty.
FOOL: Mr Speaker Imagination! Imagination! You clown, that is more than a fairy story. Listen, children. "Once upon a time, there was a naughty man who told lots of lies, and do you know what happened to him children, he was sent to sit on the naughty step. He lost his job and had to return all the free gifts that he was given. That is what happens to liars children”
While I am at the dispatch box, let me ask about the government's immigration policy—or should I say lack of policy? By late December 2024, around 35,000 people had crossed the Channel in small boats, up by around a fifth compared to last year. You promised to "smash the gangs." What say you, Drippy?
DRIP: Mr Speaker, it is all the fault of the bunch of misfits opposite (or what is left of them, ha ha ha). They left such a mess for us to clean up, and the weather has not been on our side. I will think about it while I am at the tailor's.
Mr SPEAKER ORDER! ORDERS that was certainly an entertaining session. I must say, it's not every day we discuss unicorns, disco lights, and chocolate fountains in the same breath. Let's hope the Prime Minister can keep up with these whimsical promises. Until next time, let's all remember to keep our sense of humor intact. Adjourned!
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Dialogue Only Writing Contest contest entry
Prime Minister's Question Time is held every Wednesday at noon in the House of Commons, Westminster, London.
The political incidents mentioned in this story are genuine and still very relevant and active in the UK; however, the comical exchanges and the use of unkind words are merely a figment of my slightly skewed imagination.
The Leader of the Opposition is allowed just six questions in an actual session. The remaining time is open to the house.
No politicians reputation was tarnished as a result of writing this story, they are more than capable of doing it themselves.
Pays
10 points
and 1.02 member dollars. The political incidents mentioned in this story are genuine and still very relevant and active in the UK; however, the comical exchanges and the use of unkind words are merely a figment of my slightly skewed imagination.
The Leader of the Opposition is allowed just six questions in an actual session. The remaining time is open to the house.
No politicians reputation was tarnished as a result of writing this story, they are more than capable of doing it themselves.
Artwork by supergold at FanArtReview.com
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