All who have known me before, during, and after my time in the Convent still shake their heads in wonderment at this ex-nun’s  courage. When they heard I was out of my apartment and in my own home, they were all saying they wanted my courage.

Apartment living and managing money, with the tasks required, was not new to me. Through many appeals, five other Sisters and me were granted permission to begin what was called an experimental community. 

Leaving the confines of what I called the big house where about fifty Sisters lived together observing the same rules was going to a radically new way of living.  By our supporters, we were thought to be courageous women,forming and redefining how community was lived out. Many various religious communities have since

joined efforts to demonstrate to the traditional Sisters there were different ways to form community. We will learn more about the development of the new Community.

I’ll tell you, having been a part of the small community, and having been the bursar for the group, I learned to manage paying our bills and even writing out checks. Because of that experience, it wasn't really a stretch for me to live in an apartment and eventually manage my own home.

After the initial settling into my new home, it slowly seeped down deep that this was truly my sink, my stove, my shower, tub, and a refrigerator I owned, not rented. I didn’t have to share them with any individual or group of people.  They were really mine.  Finally, after over thirty years of searching, I was home. 

My life was then calm now, I didn't quite know what to do. I missed the lady who had lived in the upstairs apartment. I was probably the only one would call her a lady, as most of my friends hated her for how they felt she treated me. But I loved her even in spite of our tumultuous relationship. Dodie was one of the motivations for me to leave the convent.

I had several out-of-body experiences. Looking down at myself lying beside Dodie I’d think, something’s wrong with this picture. I was deliriously happy and grateful spending time with Dodie. We regenerated the weariness of the day, with joyous laughter. But the reality of my present status gnawed at me.

More than twenty years ago, I had taken a vow of chastity. We had a funny saying, being a nun means none of this and none of that.

It was time for me to seriously examine my life choices. “

I met met Dodie before leaving the Convent.  For two years we had been very close friends, with some romantic times. This left me wide open for one of our Sister busy bodies to prey. She actually was a skilled stalker. When I came home from a lovely evening with Dodie, Sister Nosey was there to meet me at the door at any hour. She’d cover her obsession with my business by acting concerned over whether or not I had locked the door.”

In an effort to outwit her, I used different doors on several occasions, only to have her meet me at that door. I don’t know how she figured it out, but even when I used an upper floor entrance, she was there.”

*******  

Everyone else in my Community was either older than me, or disinterested in the activities I enjoyed.  Though surrounded by a household of over fifty people, I found herself growing lonelier and more depressed.  

This new friend, Dodie, was the perfect companion for forty-seven year old me to do those 'adolescent girl things' I'd never had a chance to do or be. 

You will gradually see how healing it was for Dodie to have stepped into my life. 

Early in the convent, during the first three years of strict training, I could only associate with those in my set, determined by the year they entered the Novitiate.

My companions and I secretly kept forbidden friends called particular friendships with those who came in one year earlier than them.   

I discovered after leaving, my other wonderful friends had children with many family obligations.  They didn’t have a lot of time to spend playing like I needed. They didn’t seem to be able to fill that deep emptiness I felt. I’d never had just one best friend since I was in sixth grade.  I had no idea what it would be like to spend practically day and night with just one other person.

As a child, my best friend was Trudy our first eleven years, until she discovered older kids were more exciting. Things began to look up for me when I met a cousin of Meggy, one of the kids, in our neighborhood. 

Terry Ann came every summer from the nearby city to visit.  We hit it off immediately and Terry Ann talked me into going to her parochial school just a city away.”

I had always wanted to be a nun, therefore I thought this was a great idea.  My parents weren’t hot on the idea but agreed and within a year, we actually moved to that city, where my father also practiced law. we'd had enough of the smell of their neighbor’s dog, ducks and dung. 

“All of this, including the lines where they hung their clothes washed in Lestoil, wafted up to my bedroom window.  That sweet, sickish odor was especially bad on warm summer nights. I still hate the smell of Lestoil. “

 ***********

The Search 

In my Sophomore year, I was trying to fit in with kids in my new school.  Everyone had pretty well established best friends, some from kindergarten.  I was once again 'odd kid out.' There was no bullying in high school, though. I received endless invitations to loin in fun.

I did become good friends with two sets of girls, who included her in their activities. Terry Ann lived near one the girls I hung around with, but she and Terry Ann only did a few things together.  It was probably partly a class thing, as Terry Ann was in the business department and my friends and I were in the college prep section-two down from the brain room.  

That school was full of cliques.  I realized she could sit at any table, even with the hotshots. My father being a lawyer, I qualified.  But I preferred to sit with my friends who seemed more down to earth and accepting of anyone.  These were values I learned from my mother who’d been the wife of a very successful criminal lawyer.

My mother never put on airs, acting like she was better than others, unlike my father. I never heard her gossiping or judging others. She was accepting of everyone. I’m glad I have adapted that way of being with others. It has stood by me my entire lifetime. 

This may have been a strong indicator in my choice of table, too. After all, children are an extension of their mother.  

Even though her mother had before her any status she wanted to grab, she had been so broken down by her own mother, my grandmother from hell, she didn’t really feel that valuable.  Although Mother did her best to encourage Nike and me to feel equal to others, actions spoke louder than words. Because of abusive way my mother was raised, she lacked the wherewith all  to buoy us up. All she could do was affirm us with the announcement that people are mean.

We both remember mother saying, "I always feel like dirt when I  come in these places."  She did not tell my brother and me we were dirt, but because we each held tightly to her hands, they served as appendages and we came to believe we were dirt as life went on.  To this day, neither of us cares to frequent such establishments.

I got her eyes opened a couple of times regarding people who work in those places. I ran a support group at a shelter for abused women and during different conversations, two women named their place of employment to be one of those swanky stores.