Humor Fiction posted November 18, 2022

This work has reached the exceptional level
Happy Holidays!

Krasner Christmas

by Douglas Goff

Dear Krasner Family Friends,

Merry Christmas greetings from the Krasner family! I, Roger, am sitting here by the hearth fire sipping on a tonic water and dear Helen is right by my side with a nice lemon tea. So, my goodness, where should we start?

Well, as you all know, 2022 had a rough start with Grandma Jeanine's hip going out. Her hospital visit led to pneumonia, followed by death. She's resting peacefully out at Oaklawn Cemetery now, if anyone wishes to go for a visit. Just seventy-three more payments plus the final balloon installment and we will have her funeral paid for, so we have that going for us.

Several of you have asked how Butchy is doing now that he is out on parole. We must tell ya, these things are tricky. Nobody told him that he couldn't carry a gun while on parole. Besides, he is planning to pay for the two bullet holes that he put into the ceiling at Applebee's.

The cops weren't willing to listen to anything that he had to say. They just cuffed him and took him back to prison. You'd think the men in blue could show a little more understanding during the holidays. The officer that Butchy punched in the face is recovering nicely. No harm, no foul.

A couple of you have been inquiring about my writing. I would be remiss if I didn't mention that I was winning numerous contests and was making oodles of money on that writing site, Fanstory!

The people on that site were really eating up the stories about Helen's brother Lee and all those women he murdered down in Florida. Who knew having a serial killer in the family would pay off!
Then the mysterious and mystic site manager, a fella named Tom, discovered that I had set up seventeen accounts so that I could repeatedly vote for myself. Hardly seems like a viable reason to ban a fella.

Anyways, how about some good news? Katie is pregnant! Grandchild number seven for Helen and I! We are so very excited. I mean, who'd a thought that our beautiful baby girl would have seven children before she even reached her twenty third birthday! And unlike the other six guys, it looks like this Darrell is planning on sticking around, at least when he is not gigging with his band Heroin Whores. Can't wait to meet him!

Speaking of heroin, Uncle Lenny finally beat his habit! He used crack to get off the heroin, then codeine to beat the crack. Finally, he stopped the codeine with the help of weed. Once he stopped the weed with alcohol, he became a new man. Now he lies around drunk all day, mumbling about the good old days when he used to use heroin.

The Christmas tree is loaded with presents this year! We had to max out our credit cards since I'm still under investigation for embezzlement down at the bank. Not to mention that Helen lost her job just this week. Seems they caught her fondling unconscious patients at the hospital again. My little naughty nurse has always been a frisky cat!

I guess that's about it for 2022. If we lose the house before next year, look us up down at skid row. We still have that giant red and white tent that we bought for our summer trip to the Catskills. Have a very Merry Christmas from the Krasner family!!!

With love,
Roger and Helen

A Christmas Card Newsletter contest entry


Okay, I pretty much laughed the whole time I was writing this. My family thinks I am crazy.
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