| Humor Non-Fiction posted April 27, 2021 |
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Crabgrass cousin outwears its tepid welcome
Houseplant from Hell
by Elizabeth Emerald
On the windowsill above my kitchen sink lurks a plastic pot of CRABGRASS.
Why the CAPS? The blade-length of the beast is ten-fold that of the garden-variety nuisance.
The monstrosity was foisted upon me last week by my daughter's boyfriend, Mick. (From Mick's perspective, the "spider plant," a cutting from his own prized specimen, was proudly bestowed upon his hostess.)
Given that Mick is a frequent houseguest, I am obliged to retain, and sustain, the creature.
I just went a'Googling and am horrified to learn that the thing spawns offshoots, which spawns offshoots ... of its spidery self).
Worse, it is among the hardiest of houseplants, guaranteed to survive the malignant ministrations of my ten black thumbs.
Worst of all, it is likely the only plant on the planet which my inveterate herbivorous cat declines to decimate.
On the windowsill above my kitchen sink lurks a plastic pot of CRABGRASS.
Why the CAPS? The blade-length of the beast is ten-fold that of the garden-variety nuisance.
The monstrosity was foisted upon me last week by my daughter's boyfriend, Mick. (From Mick's perspective, the "spider plant," a cutting from his own prized specimen, was proudly bestowed upon his hostess.)
Given that Mick is a frequent houseguest, I am obliged to retain, and sustain, the creature.
I just went a'Googling and am horrified to learn that the thing spawns offshoots, which spawns offshoots ... of its spidery self).
Worse, it is among the hardiest of houseplants, guaranteed to survive the malignant ministrations of my ten black thumbs.
Worst of all, it is likely the only plant on the planet which my inveterate herbivorous cat declines to decimate.
Why the CAPS? The blade-length of the beast is ten-fold that of the garden-variety nuisance.
The monstrosity was foisted upon me last week by my daughter's boyfriend, Mick. (From Mick's perspective, the "spider plant," a cutting from his own prized specimen, was proudly bestowed upon his hostess.)
Given that Mick is a frequent houseguest, I am obliged to retain, and sustain, the creature.
I just went a'Googling and am horrified to learn that the thing spawns offshoots, which spawns offshoots ... of its spidery self).
Worse, it is among the hardiest of houseplants, guaranteed to survive the malignant ministrations of my ten black thumbs.
Worst of all, it is likely the only plant on the planet which my inveterate herbivorous cat declines to decimate.
 Recognized |
#22 April 2021 |
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