The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Winter's Cold Bite"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
12 total reviews
Comment from Sally Law
Sorry I missed this, my friend. I didn't mean to. My eyes!! This is exceptional and six worthy. No space to speak of. This is really a fine chapter and loaded with rich descriptions. Sending you my best today as always,
Sally xos
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2020
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Sorry I missed this, my friend. I didn't mean to. My eyes!! This is exceptional and six worthy. No space to speak of. This is really a fine chapter and loaded with rich descriptions. Sending you my best today as always,
Sally xos
Comment Written 18-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2020
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Thanks once again, Sally for finding this and giving me the wonderful review
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Content is fantastic, as always. This chapter underscores how difficult it would have been in a shared household in the 19th Century for a married couple to do much more than talk. We were like gophers, not willing to stick our heads out into the suffocating snow and cold. Love this description!
Little fixes:
Drifts formed against the cabin buffeted by howling winds.
Add comma after cabin
The fire roared to life, thanks to Skye's early morning feeding.
For some reason this term sounds funny. Maybe just 'stoking' instead of 'feeding.'
Those faint lines in his forehead, his unruly eyebrows, and sandpaper like stubbles of his chin.
Love this description. Just add a hyphen between 'sandpaper' and 'like' and you have it.
It was like he was in the thick of battle again, led balls whizzing overhead. I wished I could take away those dreams, but Skye told me, it was just the poison of his past finding an exit.
Change led to lead. I would take out the comma after 'Skye told me' as well.
"What you doin' sweet.
I would say: "What you doin,' (then pick: Sweetie, Sweetness, or Sweetheart, unless you established 'sweet' as a nickname earlier that I might have missed, and add a question mark. So: "What you doin,' Sweetie?
"Keep me warm," I Said, as we spooned under the covers.
Change Said to said
"Mind your manners, Jake McCord. The doors half open."
change doors to door's
"Only thing on my list for today is you," He said, then kissed me.
Try: he said, then he kissed me.
"I reckon, I'm the one who traded up.
Take comma out after reckon
Jake rolled from the bed in his long Johns and followed his nose.
I think I have seen it 'long johns' more often lately, since it isn't actually a real person being referred to. It is similar to the phrase "going to the john" which wouldn't be capitalized, either.
I climbed from the bed and held him before he could get to the door. I whispered in Jake's ear. "We should fix Skye up with one of your father's ranch hands. Why not Redhawk? Everybody should have someone."
I think maybe just change the period after ear to a comma.
Mr. Greeley came bounding through the door. The wind howled behind him and the cold air rushed through us, rattling our bones.
Just put a comma after behind him
Jake shouted. "Greeley, get a hold of that door."
I would say 'ahold' and not have two separate words
My little boy looked at Mr. Greeley and laughed at the snowy man. He pounded the table with his spoon. "Snowman!" He'd learned a new word. No fix here. Just so cute.
Jake looked at me and smiled. "Those children books must a been rubbin' off on him."
Change it to children's books
Mr. Greeley stomped over and made contorted faces. It didn't scare him none. The boy giggled and laughed all the more with a smudge of oats on his face. I think I would put a comma after more but just for the sake of a breath.
Jake took the coffee pot and poured Mr. Greeley a steaming cup of coffee and then himself one.
I might change himself one to then one for himself.
"Mr. Greeley, if you don't mind I'd like us to fetch some wood."
I think put a comma after the word mind
Mr. Greeley sipped his coffee. "I fear we will need another two cords before we can make it through winter. When this storm passes, I could take a team of horses down by the river where there's enough cotton wood left."
If you mean the wood from a cottonwood tree, I would just say cottonwood as one word.
Jake sipped his coffee, took a bite of ham.
I think I would just say: Jake sipped his coffee and took a bite of ham.
In return, Josh flipped oatmeal on Jake. We all had a hearty laugh.
No fixes here. Just so cute!
He smiled and blurted. "Da, Da."
I think I would change the period after blurted to a comma
Jake had earned the right to be called father.
Go ahead and capitalize Father since it is a title.
"Don't fret none, my husband would not have held it against you.
I think instead of a comma after none it might work better with a semi-colon or a long dash.
And there' no finer man this side of the Missouri."
Change there' to there's
Our house was filled with laughter, despite the storm, we felt insulated from all the danger that lurked.
Change comma after storm to a semi-colon
The pair bundled themselves, as if they were prepared for a war with nature.
I think just take the comma out after themselves
The door opened and the wind rushed through us, threatening to put out the fire inside.
Put a comma after opened
The door flung open! I thought it were the ghostly wind.
Just use was the ghostly wind
I ran through the door and plunged into the snow. I found his body squirming in the snow in fetal position, unable to control his shakes.
'Fetal position' is kind of a modern-day term; I would just say curled up. The psychology and biology majors will get it just by the suggestion, and adults in general will probably get it, too.
"Ma'am. Your husband's having a seizure. I've seen this before during the war. It's likely because of the head wound he suffered months back."
I think 'seizure' would work in any of the past three centuries, but it might also be helpful to say the word 'fit' as that was more common I think back then.
After we laid him in bed under the covers and Mr. Greeley gave him a piece of cloth to bite down on where he writhed until the seizure subsided.
Something about this is awkward, as if he is writhing with his teeth. Try:
After we laid him in bed under the covers, Mr. Greeley gave him a thick piece of cloth to bite down on. He continued writhing until the seizure subsided.
I crumbled by his bedside. Mr. Greeley helped me find my knees.
I think something about this is slightly awkward. Maybe try : I crumpled to the floor by his bedside. Mr. Greeley, convinced I meant to pray, helped me up to my knees.
Mr. Greeley and the rest knew it best leave me alone for a spell.
I kind of think, since you are bridging the 19th Century with our own, that you might go ahead and make it slightly more proper like this:
Mr. Greeley and the rest sensed it was best to leave me alone for a spell.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2020
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Content is fantastic, as always. This chapter underscores how difficult it would have been in a shared household in the 19th Century for a married couple to do much more than talk. We were like gophers, not willing to stick our heads out into the suffocating snow and cold. Love this description!
Little fixes:
Drifts formed against the cabin buffeted by howling winds.
Add comma after cabin
The fire roared to life, thanks to Skye's early morning feeding.
For some reason this term sounds funny. Maybe just 'stoking' instead of 'feeding.'
Those faint lines in his forehead, his unruly eyebrows, and sandpaper like stubbles of his chin.
Love this description. Just add a hyphen between 'sandpaper' and 'like' and you have it.
It was like he was in the thick of battle again, led balls whizzing overhead. I wished I could take away those dreams, but Skye told me, it was just the poison of his past finding an exit.
Change led to lead. I would take out the comma after 'Skye told me' as well.
"What you doin' sweet.
I would say: "What you doin,' (then pick: Sweetie, Sweetness, or Sweetheart, unless you established 'sweet' as a nickname earlier that I might have missed, and add a question mark. So: "What you doin,' Sweetie?
"Keep me warm," I Said, as we spooned under the covers.
Change Said to said
"Mind your manners, Jake McCord. The doors half open."
change doors to door's
"Only thing on my list for today is you," He said, then kissed me.
Try: he said, then he kissed me.
"I reckon, I'm the one who traded up.
Take comma out after reckon
Jake rolled from the bed in his long Johns and followed his nose.
I think I have seen it 'long johns' more often lately, since it isn't actually a real person being referred to. It is similar to the phrase "going to the john" which wouldn't be capitalized, either.
I climbed from the bed and held him before he could get to the door. I whispered in Jake's ear. "We should fix Skye up with one of your father's ranch hands. Why not Redhawk? Everybody should have someone."
I think maybe just change the period after ear to a comma.
Mr. Greeley came bounding through the door. The wind howled behind him and the cold air rushed through us, rattling our bones.
Just put a comma after behind him
Jake shouted. "Greeley, get a hold of that door."
I would say 'ahold' and not have two separate words
My little boy looked at Mr. Greeley and laughed at the snowy man. He pounded the table with his spoon. "Snowman!" He'd learned a new word. No fix here. Just so cute.
Jake looked at me and smiled. "Those children books must a been rubbin' off on him."
Change it to children's books
Mr. Greeley stomped over and made contorted faces. It didn't scare him none. The boy giggled and laughed all the more with a smudge of oats on his face. I think I would put a comma after more but just for the sake of a breath.
Jake took the coffee pot and poured Mr. Greeley a steaming cup of coffee and then himself one.
I might change himself one to then one for himself.
"Mr. Greeley, if you don't mind I'd like us to fetch some wood."
I think put a comma after the word mind
Mr. Greeley sipped his coffee. "I fear we will need another two cords before we can make it through winter. When this storm passes, I could take a team of horses down by the river where there's enough cotton wood left."
If you mean the wood from a cottonwood tree, I would just say cottonwood as one word.
Jake sipped his coffee, took a bite of ham.
I think I would just say: Jake sipped his coffee and took a bite of ham.
In return, Josh flipped oatmeal on Jake. We all had a hearty laugh.
No fixes here. Just so cute!
He smiled and blurted. "Da, Da."
I think I would change the period after blurted to a comma
Jake had earned the right to be called father.
Go ahead and capitalize Father since it is a title.
"Don't fret none, my husband would not have held it against you.
I think instead of a comma after none it might work better with a semi-colon or a long dash.
And there' no finer man this side of the Missouri."
Change there' to there's
Our house was filled with laughter, despite the storm, we felt insulated from all the danger that lurked.
Change comma after storm to a semi-colon
The pair bundled themselves, as if they were prepared for a war with nature.
I think just take the comma out after themselves
The door opened and the wind rushed through us, threatening to put out the fire inside.
Put a comma after opened
The door flung open! I thought it were the ghostly wind.
Just use was the ghostly wind
I ran through the door and plunged into the snow. I found his body squirming in the snow in fetal position, unable to control his shakes.
'Fetal position' is kind of a modern-day term; I would just say curled up. The psychology and biology majors will get it just by the suggestion, and adults in general will probably get it, too.
"Ma'am. Your husband's having a seizure. I've seen this before during the war. It's likely because of the head wound he suffered months back."
I think 'seizure' would work in any of the past three centuries, but it might also be helpful to say the word 'fit' as that was more common I think back then.
After we laid him in bed under the covers and Mr. Greeley gave him a piece of cloth to bite down on where he writhed until the seizure subsided.
Something about this is awkward, as if he is writhing with his teeth. Try:
After we laid him in bed under the covers, Mr. Greeley gave him a thick piece of cloth to bite down on. He continued writhing until the seizure subsided.
I crumbled by his bedside. Mr. Greeley helped me find my knees.
I think something about this is slightly awkward. Maybe try : I crumpled to the floor by his bedside. Mr. Greeley, convinced I meant to pray, helped me up to my knees.
Mr. Greeley and the rest knew it best leave me alone for a spell.
I kind of think, since you are bridging the 19th Century with our own, that you might go ahead and make it slightly more proper like this:
Mr. Greeley and the rest sensed it was best to leave me alone for a spell.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2020
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From what I've read, I can see how to strengthen and tighten the chapter. I'm saving the message with the notes, so I can fix it. As always, I appreciate your keen sense of editing. Stan
Comment from Shirley McLain
I love your storyline. This chapter is full of tension and action. You are such a good writer. I didn't find any errors. I hope you have a great afternoon and evening. Shirley
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2020
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I love your storyline. This chapter is full of tension and action. You are such a good writer. I didn't find any errors. I hope you have a great afternoon and evening. Shirley
Comment Written 10-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2020
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Thanks so much, Shirley.
Comment from Mastery
Hi Stan. The opening paragraph is a gem, my friend. worded so well and just catch enough to grab the reader's interest right off the bat
"An early snowstorm took our prairie life by surprise. We were like gophers, not willing to stick our heads out into the suffocating snow and cold. Drifts formed against the cabin buffeted by howling winds. When I looked through the frosted window of my bedroom, the morning sky took on a pewter gray. I slipped back under the covers and burrowed into my husband, Jake's side. (but leave the word "side" off...you don't need it) my friend.
Your dialogue is exceptionally natural-sounding too, my friend. This entire piece deserves six stars, Stan, but I squandered them early this week. Sorry. Great writing. Bob
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
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Hi Stan. The opening paragraph is a gem, my friend. worded so well and just catch enough to grab the reader's interest right off the bat
"An early snowstorm took our prairie life by surprise. We were like gophers, not willing to stick our heads out into the suffocating snow and cold. Drifts formed against the cabin buffeted by howling winds. When I looked through the frosted window of my bedroom, the morning sky took on a pewter gray. I slipped back under the covers and burrowed into my husband, Jake's side. (but leave the word "side" off...you don't need it) my friend.
Your dialogue is exceptionally natural-sounding too, my friend. This entire piece deserves six stars, Stan, but I squandered them early this week. Sorry. Great writing. Bob
Comment Written 06-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
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Thanks, Bob. I really appreciate our friendship and sharing after all these years. I hope your brothers and sister are doing well too.
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We are all getting older, Stan. All still healthy though, so that means a lot. I turn 81 in November, my sister Bertie is already 83. The twins are 78 We don't do the reunions anymore. The flying is too much streetobboard and getoff. lot of walking, you know.
Thanks for asking, my dear friend. Bob
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Well now, I hadn't realized your family could post those impressive numbers. I can imagine how traveling, esp. these days would not be a priority. Someday, tell me your secret for good health or bottle it up and send me a sample. Lol
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
I like this. The snowstorm made for a lazy day and the food cooking the way you described it was making me hungry. Poor Jake. I hope that he's alright. This is good work and I enjoyed reading this well written chapter. Well done!
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
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I like this. The snowstorm made for a lazy day and the food cooking the way you described it was making me hungry. Poor Jake. I hope that he's alright. This is good work and I enjoyed reading this well written chapter. Well done!
Comment Written 06-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
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Thanks, Jeff. I look forward to hearing from you and appreciate your kind, honest words, and our kindred spirit in the Lord!
Comment from Ben Colder
Very dramatic. Your characters are easy to relate with. Poor woman. I am wondering now if it be this poor woman cried and God her her.
It does not matter about being selected for book of the month. I voted for your work. Would like to see you win. You deserve it.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
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Very dramatic. Your characters are easy to relate with. Poor woman. I am wondering now if it be this poor woman cried and God her her.
It does not matter about being selected for book of the month. I voted for your work. Would like to see you win. You deserve it.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
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Thanks again, Ben. Blessings around the bend!
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Thanks Bro. I asked not to put my work on Book of the month. I have my reasons. Blessings Bro/
Comment from Mistydawn
This is a wonderful chapter. It's well-written, interesting start to finish and very realistic. Your beginning is perfect, really sets the mood of a united family, their strong bond. Your word choice, description is superb. I could picture it in my mind. Feel the laziness of the day. Smell the wood, coffee and ham sizzling in the pan. The part with the baby, is very realistic. When he called Jake dad I almost cried. Your hook, wow, what a way to end it. I hope Jake will be alright. As always, I look forward to reading more.
PS. This chapter deserves more than a 6.
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
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This is a wonderful chapter. It's well-written, interesting start to finish and very realistic. Your beginning is perfect, really sets the mood of a united family, their strong bond. Your word choice, description is superb. I could picture it in my mind. Feel the laziness of the day. Smell the wood, coffee and ham sizzling in the pan. The part with the baby, is very realistic. When he called Jake dad I almost cried. Your hook, wow, what a way to end it. I hope Jake will be alright. As always, I look forward to reading more.
PS. This chapter deserves more than a 6.
Comment Written 06-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
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Thanks again, Misty.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
I've missed this story and always look for it. I feel, when reading, that I am right there experiencing everything the characters are. Your writing is very good!
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
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I've missed this story and always look for it. I feel, when reading, that I am right there experiencing everything the characters are. Your writing is very good!
Comment Written 06-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 06-Oct-2020
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Thanks, Rebecca. I'm not as prolific a writer as I should be. Appreciate the kind words!
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When the mood strikes, write!
Comment from BethShelby
This was a good chapter. You are great with dialogue and reading it was like seeing everything in you mind almost like being there. It sounded like a very happy family up until the end when Jack had the seizure. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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This was a good chapter. You are great with dialogue and reading it was like seeing everything in you mind almost like being there. It sounded like a very happy family up until the end when Jack had the seizure. I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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Thanks again, Beth
Comment from Alaskastory
"Winter's Cold Bite" chapter is greatly filled with lifestyle in cold climate. Your character responses was well done, except I thought a little more from Skye. She showed no response to Mr. Greeley or to Jake's injury.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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"Winter's Cold Bite" chapter is greatly filled with lifestyle in cold climate. Your character responses was well done, except I thought a little more from Skye. She showed no response to Mr. Greeley or to Jake's injury.
Comment Written 05-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2020
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Good point. I needed to have her scoop up the child and show overall dire look. Thanks!
