Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Betrayal Chapter 2"In the title.
49 total reviews
Comment from Jessica Borras
Again, I absolutely love what you're doing with this book and I'm only two chapters in. I'll be reading on to learn more about Grant and Tania's dynamic, and can't wait. I will mention, Lorna's introduction threw me off just a little. When Tania walked into the room initially I thought Grant was there alone. Other than that, there was a spot where a semi-colon might be better than a comma? The sentence "He was already wanting to look at her blueprints but couldn't admit to that, not yet, anyway." Between that and not.
Really, though, those are just tiny things. You're a fantastic story teller. I felt nervous for Tania in that interview. Can't wait to read on. <3
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2021
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Again, I absolutely love what you're doing with this book and I'm only two chapters in. I'll be reading on to learn more about Grant and Tania's dynamic, and can't wait. I will mention, Lorna's introduction threw me off just a little. When Tania walked into the room initially I thought Grant was there alone. Other than that, there was a spot where a semi-colon might be better than a comma? The sentence "He was already wanting to look at her blueprints but couldn't admit to that, not yet, anyway." Between that and not.
Really, though, those are just tiny things. You're a fantastic story teller. I felt nervous for Tania in that interview. Can't wait to read on. <3
Comment Written 02-Apr-2021
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2021
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Thank you, Jessica, you are wonderful reading from the start. I've copied over your last suggestions, and I'll do the same with this part. You are picking up on things I missed and other readers. I'm really grateful to you for doing this. Best of all, I'm so very pleased you are enjoying my story. Thank you! Happy Easter! Warm hugs, my friend. Sandra xxx
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<3 If my computer were working at home, I'd be reading through it even quicker! As it is, I have to settle for in between customers. But I'm excited to read more. <3
Comment from Begin Again
Oh my....these two have sparks flying all the time...accusations and dislike, but at the same time admiration for the attitude. Enjoyed it very much. I'm assuming her talent was built on the foundation taught by someone familiar to them all. Can't wait to discover if that is true. Smiles!
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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Oh my....these two have sparks flying all the time...accusations and dislike, but at the same time admiration for the attitude. Enjoyed it very much. I'm assuming her talent was built on the foundation taught by someone familiar to them all. Can't wait to discover if that is true. Smiles!
Comment Written 12-Mar-2021
reply by the author on 12-Mar-2021
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LOL, I just said to myself, no, you're wrong, and up popped the next review and you'd found the answer yourself. Thank you, my friend. Sandra xx
Comment from dmt1967
First of all, congratulations on winning the book of the month ribbon. Now to the review. The plot is good and I like it. It has a mills and boon feel to it. The storyline is predictable, though. Let me see, someone stole her designs and that is why Grant thinks she is using someone else's work. It is a good second chapter, though. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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First of all, congratulations on winning the book of the month ribbon. Now to the review. The plot is good and I like it. It has a mills and boon feel to it. The storyline is predictable, though. Let me see, someone stole her designs and that is why Grant thinks she is using someone else's work. It is a good second chapter, though. Thank you for sharing and stay safe.
Comment Written 07-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 07-Jan-2021
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Actually, it's the Mills and Boon market I'm looking at. To get a book published anywhere else is like trying to buy a ticket on a spaceship to Mars. My time-travel trilogy was nothing like this book, it went everywhere in the past, I didn't even try to get it published even though it had excellent reviews and won book of the month regularly. M&B is very predictable, but you might find this one is a tad different as you get into it. I really need to sell, so I'll write what it takes to do so. Thanks again for this lovely review. As you can see, your comments about M&S is really what I wanted! I'm a bit worried about putting the sex scenes on here though! :)) Warm hugs, Sandra xx
Comment from DSchlosser
Do people really say 'confound it' anymore? I would have expected Grant to cuss outright. I know the managers I've dealt with and business owners I've had to talk to when doing contracts for the Department of Revenue were not quite so cordial. I imagine you're writing clean of any vulgarities in your book, Sandra?
I sure wouldn't want to be accused of plagiarizing work. That'd be the most embarrassing to be in front of a big CEO and be told something like that.
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2020
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Do people really say 'confound it' anymore? I would have expected Grant to cuss outright. I know the managers I've dealt with and business owners I've had to talk to when doing contracts for the Department of Revenue were not quite so cordial. I imagine you're writing clean of any vulgarities in your book, Sandra?
I sure wouldn't want to be accused of plagiarizing work. That'd be the most embarrassing to be in front of a big CEO and be told something like that.
Comment Written 28-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 28-Dec-2020
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Thank you again for reading my back chapters. I don't like vulgar words, and never write them. But you will find words, like, Sod it! or Bloody hell! Bugger off! But that is about as far as I'd go and be comfortable. You are the only one who has picked up on that! lol. I know of a few writers on here that do put them in. Mostly people who use the words freely themselves. I'm not a prude, I read them, and hear them often, just don't use them myself. I think I'll check out this part again and see if I can come up with a stronger word. Thanks again, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
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I use them myself, even in writing, but I used to not really use them until later on in life. I've seen recently though that a few people have been upset by the words, so I'll be trying to cut back myself.
I thank you for answering the question on the review. It lets me know more about how you write and what morals you have when writing.
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You have to write the way it's natural for you, and what you think fits the storyline. You will always find someone who disagrees with your style of writing, but plenty more who will love it. Don't change your way of writing for anyone, it would sound wrong. But, I do appreciate all you've said. Thank you.
Comment from dragonpoet
Sandra,
There is good repartee between Grant and Tania. It looks like a love affair is in the making if she can get him to believe that her first plans were stolen. It is odd that he know right away. he must have a good memory.
Keep writing and stay healthly.
Joan
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2020
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Sandra,
There is good repartee between Grant and Tania. It looks like a love affair is in the making if she can get him to believe that her first plans were stolen. It is odd that he know right away. he must have a good memory.
Keep writing and stay healthly.
Joan
Comment Written 21-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2020
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Thank you, Joan. There is a reason he recognises the style of the plans but although he's sure about it in his own mind, Tania has other ideas about it. I'm glad you liked the repartee between the two. Have a lovely day, my friend! Warm hugs, Sandra xx
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You're welcome, Sandra.
Joan
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hello Sandra, this is so good. I love the undercurrent of possible passion between Tania and Grant. I read your part one, opening of the story and knew that the incident in the carpark would turn out to be the one who would interview her. Now, the chemistry between the two comes to a brutal end with your usual cliff-hanger. Very good and most unexpected one - ' his eyes now dark, cold and angry' - wow! A real sexy story developing I think. Well done girl - love Dorothy xxx
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2020
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Hello Sandra, this is so good. I love the undercurrent of possible passion between Tania and Grant. I read your part one, opening of the story and knew that the incident in the carpark would turn out to be the one who would interview her. Now, the chemistry between the two comes to a brutal end with your usual cliff-hanger. Very good and most unexpected one - ' his eyes now dark, cold and angry' - wow! A real sexy story developing I think. Well done girl - love Dorothy xxx
Comment Written 07-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2020
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LOL! It will take a bit of time before they are into the hot romance, there's a lot of tension between them at the moment. Thank you so much for going back and reading this chapter, Dorothy, you are the second one today! I'm just so pleased you enjoyed it. Warm hugs, and much love, my friend. Sandra xxx
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Yes, but it's the tension that makes the wait for the build up to the climax so exciting LOL! - DXX
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That is so true! :)) xx
Comment from MissMerri
Congratulations Sandra! An excellent story and no wonder it was a top vote-getter. Your writing is of professional quality and your stories most delightful and thoroughly captivating.
As I assume you plan to publish this story when it is finished, I thought perhaps you'd welcome a couple of suggestions. Word choices make such a huge difference, and you tend to know just how to pick exactly the right ones. I make these suggestions hesitantly, and only because it might make a slight difference in understanding.
When I read "After the last applicant..." my mind thought, at first, it referred to the last of all the applicants, and that's why I thought the word "previous" might be helpful. ***After the last (previous) applicant had left the room, they had glanced over her plans.
Then, when I read about the olive green eyes spitting daggers, I wanted to say "eyes don't exactly spit," though I knew what you meant, of course. Still, they tell us in writing classes that you want to avoid anything that jerks the reader out of the story and causes her to question the writing. Therefore, I suggest... *** same olive-green eyes that had spat (shot, hurled, or something not so damp) daggers at him earlier were now soft and gentle.
I love your writing and am hooked on this story. Congratulations again on your blue ribbon. You most certainly deserved it. MM
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2020
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Congratulations Sandra! An excellent story and no wonder it was a top vote-getter. Your writing is of professional quality and your stories most delightful and thoroughly captivating.
As I assume you plan to publish this story when it is finished, I thought perhaps you'd welcome a couple of suggestions. Word choices make such a huge difference, and you tend to know just how to pick exactly the right ones. I make these suggestions hesitantly, and only because it might make a slight difference in understanding.
When I read "After the last applicant..." my mind thought, at first, it referred to the last of all the applicants, and that's why I thought the word "previous" might be helpful. ***After the last (previous) applicant had left the room, they had glanced over her plans.
Then, when I read about the olive green eyes spitting daggers, I wanted to say "eyes don't exactly spit," though I knew what you meant, of course. Still, they tell us in writing classes that you want to avoid anything that jerks the reader out of the story and causes her to question the writing. Therefore, I suggest... *** same olive-green eyes that had spat (shot, hurled, or something not so damp) daggers at him earlier were now soft and gentle.
I love your writing and am hooked on this story. Congratulations again on your blue ribbon. You most certainly deserved it. MM
Comment Written 06-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2020
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My dear MissMerri, thank you so very much for your incredible review. Your help is very much welcomed. I've made those changes, and did have a chuckle at the point you raised about the eyes spitting! Lol. They now 'fire daggers' :))
I was so pleased you reviewed this part--and thank you for the congratulations. I have to be honest, I didn't think I had a chance at winning this one, there are some amazing authors on FS, and I'm still shell-shocked. But I'm so pleased you're hooked, I will be watching for your reviews and be taking note of your suggestions. I will be publishing, so you're right, I want it to be as polished as I can get it. Thank you again, my friend, and a big hug for those six stars! :)) Sandra xx
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Changed again, I suddenly thought, you can't fire daggers either! It now read 'thrown daggers... lol. :)
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Congrats on your win! I recently read one of your chapters in which it was revealed that Colin stole Tania's designs and presented them to Grant as his own so now of course Grant assumes Tania stole them from Colin. Nice work. (Are you a pro architect?)
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2020
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Congrats on your win! I recently read one of your chapters in which it was revealed that Colin stole Tania's designs and presented them to Grant as his own so now of course Grant assumes Tania stole them from Colin. Nice work. (Are you a pro architect?)
Comment Written 06-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2020
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Thank you, Liz, for the congrats, (that really surprised me!)
My granddaughter is taking her final exams to be a fully qualified architect, so I chat to her for advice. :))
Thank you for going back to read this earlier part, my friend, that was so kind of you. Lots of excitement ahead. :)) Warm hugs, Sandra xxx
Comment from Contests
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2020
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 A seven star rating from the Contest Committee for the recognition this post has received from the FanStory community. While this was not a Contest Committee decision, the committee recognizes this achievement with a seven star review. |
Comment Written 06-Nov-2020
reply by the author on 06-Nov-2020
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Thank you so very much! It was such a shock, but lovely surprise to find I'd won the BoM. The seven stars is the icing on the cake. Thank you! :)) Sandra xx
Comment from JudyE
we've been away without an internet connection but I'm catching up now. And what a cliffhanger you've left your reader with! lol
I do have a few points for consideration but ignore them if they don't sit well with you.
Sitting in front of her was the very man whose inconsiderate driving had splattered her coat with the muddy water! - I might have just said 'with muddy water'
Grant and Lorna never came to the early interviews, instead, those are left to members of staff who have been trained to search for the right candidates. - Period after 'interviews'. And you've changed tense - it should be 'these were left... who had been trained..'
'Good morning, Miss Russell. Please take a seat.' The attractive, middle-aged lady, smiled. - delete comma after 'lady'
He continued to watch her as she flicked a lock of her long, fair hair, back off her face until he felt Lorna give him a painful kick on his calf to bring him back to the interview. - I might have reworded this a little. Perhaps 'As she flicked back a lock of long, fair hair, he continued to watch her until a painful kick on his calf from Lorna brought him back to the interview.'
As to why I think you would be interested in mine for your project, I think the proof would be in the seeing. Nothing I could say will tell you better than that.' - maybe 'in the designs/plans' rather than 'in the seeing'
She couldn't recall any been bothered - should be 'being bothered'
'I like to get a feel of the project before I begin. - 'feel of' or 'feel for'?
WOW! Lorna's eyes widened as she listened to this young woman in front of them. She exchanged a quick glance with Grant and was surprised to see amusement in his eyes. That giveaway tick at the corner of his mouth confirmed what his eyes were saying.
'We will study your designs, Tania,' Lorna told her. 'We still have three other finalists' work to examine, but we'll let you know as soon as a decision has been made, even if yours are not the ones we use.' - there needs to be a 'return/space' between the above two paragraphs.
'You can be sure we will take good care of them while they are in our hands,' Grant promised her. This woman's attitude was beginning to get to him. Normally, he would have dismissed her by now, but he wanted to know more.
I know you'll think I'm being unreasonable, and to overcome that, I would be prepared to come in as many times as you wish, but they would stay with me until a contract is signed.' - '..would stay with me' or 'will stay with me'??
Seeing the look that passed between Grant and Lorna, Tania bent to pick her coat up from the floor, - I would have said 'Tania bent to pick up her coat from the floor'. It saves having two prepositions together (if they're prepositions) - up from - it just sounds a bit odd.
The fact that he had been a major contributor to it, hadn't helped - delete comma
Best wishes
Judy
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2020
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we've been away without an internet connection but I'm catching up now. And what a cliffhanger you've left your reader with! lol
I do have a few points for consideration but ignore them if they don't sit well with you.
Sitting in front of her was the very man whose inconsiderate driving had splattered her coat with the muddy water! - I might have just said 'with muddy water'
Grant and Lorna never came to the early interviews, instead, those are left to members of staff who have been trained to search for the right candidates. - Period after 'interviews'. And you've changed tense - it should be 'these were left... who had been trained..'
'Good morning, Miss Russell. Please take a seat.' The attractive, middle-aged lady, smiled. - delete comma after 'lady'
He continued to watch her as she flicked a lock of her long, fair hair, back off her face until he felt Lorna give him a painful kick on his calf to bring him back to the interview. - I might have reworded this a little. Perhaps 'As she flicked back a lock of long, fair hair, he continued to watch her until a painful kick on his calf from Lorna brought him back to the interview.'
As to why I think you would be interested in mine for your project, I think the proof would be in the seeing. Nothing I could say will tell you better than that.' - maybe 'in the designs/plans' rather than 'in the seeing'
She couldn't recall any been bothered - should be 'being bothered'
'I like to get a feel of the project before I begin. - 'feel of' or 'feel for'?
WOW! Lorna's eyes widened as she listened to this young woman in front of them. She exchanged a quick glance with Grant and was surprised to see amusement in his eyes. That giveaway tick at the corner of his mouth confirmed what his eyes were saying.
'We will study your designs, Tania,' Lorna told her. 'We still have three other finalists' work to examine, but we'll let you know as soon as a decision has been made, even if yours are not the ones we use.' - there needs to be a 'return/space' between the above two paragraphs.
'You can be sure we will take good care of them while they are in our hands,' Grant promised her. This woman's attitude was beginning to get to him. Normally, he would have dismissed her by now, but he wanted to know more.
I know you'll think I'm being unreasonable, and to overcome that, I would be prepared to come in as many times as you wish, but they would stay with me until a contract is signed.' - '..would stay with me' or 'will stay with me'??
Seeing the look that passed between Grant and Lorna, Tania bent to pick her coat up from the floor, - I would have said 'Tania bent to pick up her coat from the floor'. It saves having two prepositions together (if they're prepositions) - up from - it just sounds a bit odd.
The fact that he had been a major contributor to it, hadn't helped - delete comma
Best wishes
Judy
Comment Written 26-Oct-2020
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2020
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I tried to nominate you after I'd finished editing part 5, but it seems I already have. That must have been for Chap. I would have thought that month had passed by now. Any way, I'm very grateful for all your help, Judy, you are a gem, and I'd nominate you every week if I could. Thank you so very much for this one, I've been through it all and made all the corrections. I'll copy and past each of these parts over to my MS Doc, so I know it's had a good edit. Sending you a humongous hug, my friend. Have a lovely day. :)) Sandra xx
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I do hope you're not just editing willy-nilly. I'm not always right, you know. But I'm pleased you're finding it helpful. :)
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No, I'm not doing that. What I am doing is checking your suggestions against what I've written and then, in some cases, I've changed the sentence completely. I do find it really helpful. When new eyes read it for the first time, you see what I've missed. Does that make sense to you? :)) xx
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Yes, that makes sense. Also, reading your work aloud sometimes helps you notice things you might have otherwise missed.
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Yes, I definitely agree with you on that.
