Fun-tastic
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Fun-tastic"Humanity post doom
15 total reviews
Comment from pome lover
yes! great story and perfect picture to accompany it. Also you made a good point. However, you've peaked my interest - so they are the last of their kind? no kids, so no more whatever they ares? All that eating and sleeping - bet they gain weight.:) As you can see your story fascinated me - and provoked questions. which is a sign of a good story.
pome lover
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2020
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yes! great story and perfect picture to accompany it. Also you made a good point. However, you've peaked my interest - so they are the last of their kind? no kids, so no more whatever they ares? All that eating and sleeping - bet they gain weight.:) As you can see your story fascinated me - and provoked questions. which is a sign of a good story.
pome lover
Comment Written 11-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2020
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Thank you so much:)
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Fascinating story, Mystery Writer. One thinks a perfect society would be something to look forward to, but your statement, "I am living in a perfect world. There is no war, but there is no peace either." is quite telling. It sets the tone and theme from the start.
I love it!
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2020
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Fascinating story, Mystery Writer. One thinks a perfect society would be something to look forward to, but your statement, "I am living in a perfect world. There is no war, but there is no peace either." is quite telling. It sets the tone and theme from the start.
I love it!
Good luck in the contest,
Rhonda
Comment Written 11-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2020
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Thank you so much, Ms. Rhonda:)
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written scary prediction for the future. It is maybe not as far fetched as it seems. The wicked people of this world will only be happy when they have full control of every human being.
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2020
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A very well-written scary prediction for the future. It is maybe not as far fetched as it seems. The wicked people of this world will only be happy when they have full control of every human being.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 15-Sep-2020
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Thank you so much:)
Comment from Mimi Linny
Ahhh... This sounds like it could be a PERFECT "Twilight Zone" episode... Love the ingenuity you expressed in your vision of "The Future!" Here are a few suggestions for some minor grammatical corrections:
1. 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence: I believe you mean "is" and not "its"
2. 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: "will" should be "would"
3. 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence: Add additional elipsis "..." after the word rest to read: "Whoever was over twenty survived...the rest...just disappeared"
4. 3rd paragraph, 3rd sentence: "The irony: We got stuck at the age we receive(d) the vaccine! Yey..." Use colon after irony, change tense of receive to received and close sentence at end of vaccine (maybe with exclamation point).
5. 5th paragraph, 5th sentence: Place comma after "Yup," and change "couldn't" to "can't" to keep tense the same
6. 5th paragraph, 6th sentence: Eliminate comma after "me" and change "that" to "who still remember..." Should read: "I wonder if there are others like me who still remember the old times."
7. 5th paragraph, 7th sentence: Change "jump" to "jumping" and change period to be inside of end quote, "old ones."
8. 5th paragraph, 10th sentence: change "wake" to "awake"
9. 5th paragraph, last sentence: Use quotes for spoken words: I start knocking on doors saying, "Ice-Cream."
10. Last paragraph:
Change "twinkles" to "twinkle"
Change "asked" to "asks"
Change colon to a comma in both places (before each quote)
Change "Frighten" to "Frightened,"
I hope you don't mind my above suggestions... Your story is a great one and I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
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reply by the author on 11-Sep-2020
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Ahhh... This sounds like it could be a PERFECT "Twilight Zone" episode... Love the ingenuity you expressed in your vision of "The Future!" Here are a few suggestions for some minor grammatical corrections:
1. 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence: I believe you mean "is" and not "its"
2. 3rd paragraph, 1st sentence: "will" should be "would"
3. 3rd paragraph, 2nd sentence: Add additional elipsis "..." after the word rest to read: "Whoever was over twenty survived...the rest...just disappeared"
4. 3rd paragraph, 3rd sentence: "The irony: We got stuck at the age we receive(d) the vaccine! Yey..." Use colon after irony, change tense of receive to received and close sentence at end of vaccine (maybe with exclamation point).
5. 5th paragraph, 5th sentence: Place comma after "Yup," and change "couldn't" to "can't" to keep tense the same
6. 5th paragraph, 6th sentence: Eliminate comma after "me" and change "that" to "who still remember..." Should read: "I wonder if there are others like me who still remember the old times."
7. 5th paragraph, 7th sentence: Change "jump" to "jumping" and change period to be inside of end quote, "old ones."
8. 5th paragraph, 10th sentence: change "wake" to "awake"
9. 5th paragraph, last sentence: Use quotes for spoken words: I start knocking on doors saying, "Ice-Cream."
10. Last paragraph:
Change "twinkles" to "twinkle"
Change "asked" to "asks"
Change colon to a comma in both places (before each quote)
Change "Frighten" to "Frightened,"
I hope you don't mind my above suggestions... Your story is a great one and I wish you the best of luck in the contest!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2020
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Hi Mimi :) thank you so much for your lovely suggestions.
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You're very welcome...and truly loved your story!
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Thank you:) it means a lot to me:)
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
You did a good job with your contest entry, Mystery Author. I enjoyed reding it. I liked the length of it--not too long or too short. The image is a good pairing too. You story reads well. I like the ending--the ice-cream resistance. Best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
May I suggest:
Now, nobody it's a parent-->is
One day, a smart ass decided to create a vaccine that will (would ) make all bad things go away and apparently children were part of that category. Whoever was over twenty survived the rest... just disappeared. The irony, we got stuck at the age we receive(received) the vaccine, yey (yay) for the youngster, but just imagine being one hundred and staying there in your body like a prune and praying to die and couldn't ( can't). Some tried suicide, and it didn't work. We are immortals.
It's 3050, everything is so relative and in limbo. Who thought that perfection can (could) be so boring? We don't work we just eat and sleep, the rest is too boring.
***
New day, old day, same day! I am out of coffee, but I don't care! Even if I don't eat and drink, I will still be around, so why bother. Everything is so perfect that it hurts. Yup(,) I manage (managed) to hide this memory somewhere in my brain where the virus of perfection couldn't touch it. I wonder if there are other like me, that still remembers( remember) the old times. I am getting dressed and jump (jumping) outside in search of the "old ones". I have a plan. I need to find the others. Now(,) I am wake and I know exactly what to look for. I start knocking on doors saying( saying, "Ice-cream." ) ice-cream. The first ten houses I got nothing. I am in front of house 23, I knock and somebody looking like me opens. I say(,)" Ice-cream?" Her eyes twinkles (twinkle) as she invites me inside. I sit on the sofa and she softly asked me(me,) "Do you remember the berry flavour?" Frighten(Frightened, ) I look around. She smiles: "Don't be afraid, you are not alone. Welcome to the resistance!"
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2020
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You did a good job with your contest entry, Mystery Author. I enjoyed reding it. I liked the length of it--not too long or too short. The image is a good pairing too. You story reads well. I like the ending--the ice-cream resistance. Best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
May I suggest:
Now, nobody it's a parent-->is
One day, a smart ass decided to create a vaccine that will (would ) make all bad things go away and apparently children were part of that category. Whoever was over twenty survived the rest... just disappeared. The irony, we got stuck at the age we receive(received) the vaccine, yey (yay) for the youngster, but just imagine being one hundred and staying there in your body like a prune and praying to die and couldn't ( can't). Some tried suicide, and it didn't work. We are immortals.
It's 3050, everything is so relative and in limbo. Who thought that perfection can (could) be so boring? We don't work we just eat and sleep, the rest is too boring.
***
New day, old day, same day! I am out of coffee, but I don't care! Even if I don't eat and drink, I will still be around, so why bother. Everything is so perfect that it hurts. Yup(,) I manage (managed) to hide this memory somewhere in my brain where the virus of perfection couldn't touch it. I wonder if there are other like me, that still remembers( remember) the old times. I am getting dressed and jump (jumping) outside in search of the "old ones". I have a plan. I need to find the others. Now(,) I am wake and I know exactly what to look for. I start knocking on doors saying( saying, "Ice-cream." ) ice-cream. The first ten houses I got nothing. I am in front of house 23, I knock and somebody looking like me opens. I say(,)" Ice-cream?" Her eyes twinkles (twinkle) as she invites me inside. I sit on the sofa and she softly asked me(me,) "Do you remember the berry flavour?" Frighten(Frightened, ) I look around. She smiles: "Don't be afraid, you are not alone. Welcome to the resistance!"
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 10-Sep-2020
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Thank you, Jan for this wonderful review and the grammar corrections.
