The Diner
best place in town46 total reviews
Comment from royowen
What a brilliant work you've produced a marvellous work here G, with all aplomb and confidence that one creative mind can muster, the scene setting and character creating, the plot wove together beautifully, you're a good writer my friend, blessings, Roy
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What a brilliant work you've produced a marvellous work here G, with all aplomb and confidence that one creative mind can muster, the scene setting and character creating, the plot wove together beautifully, you're a good writer my friend, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 08-Sep-2020
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
You always set a good scene. Your words are always well chosen and move your meaning forward.
You are able to give life and predictability to your characters, even though the passage is short. For a novelist, such as I, this is a style to be studied. For a short works writer, it is masterful.
As for the message, it is timely.
Thanks for sharing,
Rhonda
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You always set a good scene. Your words are always well chosen and move your meaning forward.
You are able to give life and predictability to your characters, even though the passage is short. For a novelist, such as I, this is a style to be studied. For a short works writer, it is masterful.
As for the message, it is timely.
Thanks for sharing,
Rhonda
Comment Written 08-Sep-2020
Comment from RShipp
Far too true in today's happenings. A man's dreams for the future up in smoke.
I loved how you explained the 'normal' everyday things before it all changed.
Well written.
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Far too true in today's happenings. A man's dreams for the future up in smoke.
I loved how you explained the 'normal' everyday things before it all changed.
Well written.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2020
Comment from Ric Myworld
Your story is an example of just how quickly things can spiral out of control and affect other's lives forever with one foolish or miscalculated move. Thanks for sharing. Wish I had a six.
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Your story is an example of just how quickly things can spiral out of control and affect other's lives forever with one foolish or miscalculated move. Thanks for sharing. Wish I had a six.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2020
Comment from Debra White
Hi Giraffmang,
Your story gripped me. Well, actually, I was enjoying being lulled into a comfortable 'finding out about and getting to know' the diners, when a trashcan came flying through the window and completely changed the mood.
I want to read on. What actually happened here? Why? Are the characters connected to each other (other than them just being in the wrong place at the wrong time?)
I love the descriptiveness of the scene and I particularly liked your lines about 'raspberry embarrassment!', and the lavender infused tea not being effective in calming Deirdre.
Really well written, I enjoyed reading this very much.
Best wishes, Debra :)
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Hi Giraffmang,
Your story gripped me. Well, actually, I was enjoying being lulled into a comfortable 'finding out about and getting to know' the diners, when a trashcan came flying through the window and completely changed the mood.
I want to read on. What actually happened here? Why? Are the characters connected to each other (other than them just being in the wrong place at the wrong time?)
I love the descriptiveness of the scene and I particularly liked your lines about 'raspberry embarrassment!', and the lavender infused tea not being effective in calming Deirdre.
Really well written, I enjoyed reading this very much.
Best wishes, Debra :)
Comment Written 08-Sep-2020
Comment from Beck Fenton
This could be the beginning of a book... or maybe the ending. You have drawn each character so well that I felt I knew them already! And the suddenness of a moment in time that changes lives forever, well, that has been happening a lot in this poor world and you captured it.
I'm happy to be back reading your stories again.
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This could be the beginning of a book... or maybe the ending. You have drawn each character so well that I felt I knew them already! And the suddenness of a moment in time that changes lives forever, well, that has been happening a lot in this poor world and you captured it.
I'm happy to be back reading your stories again.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2020
Comment from aryr
This was very well done. It had an easy yet comfortable reading flow, G. It was indeed an interesting topic, you described each person perfectly and in great detail and gave them a distinct place in the diner. Great job.
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This was very well done. It had an easy yet comfortable reading flow, G. It was indeed an interesting topic, you described each person perfectly and in great detail and gave them a distinct place in the diner. Great job.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2020
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I am hoping you are going to continue this story and this isn't the end. I really would like to know if these people are all right and that justice is done. Your writing is excellent.
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I am hoping you are going to continue this story and this isn't the end. I really would like to know if these people are all right and that justice is done. Your writing is excellent.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2020
Comment from rama devi
Outstanding writing;. Tight and polished (for the most part) and well paced. Great flash style. Great scan of multiple POVs. Great descriptive detail. Strong thematic impact in the closing.
A few spags to note, mostly comma related:
*
Candice had always been her server(COMMA) and Deirdre tipped her handsomely.
*Waitresses always got a rough deal and needed the tips to survive(COMMA) and Deirdre was not short of money.
*He liked this table(COMMA) as he could flick his gaze from the newspaper pages
*He frowned as a crowd gathered beneath the clock tower, hoisting placards(COMMA) and the sound of chanting began to filter its way across the square.
* It would not look good to turn up with bad makeup and a juice(-)stained blouse.
* The smell of the lavender(-)infused liquid spreading across the tabletop did little to calm her. Her pupils dilated as pain shot up her left arm(COMMA) and she clutched her chest before collapsing onto the table.
Colin Atwood managed to turn his head and utter(COMMA) 'What the f--"
* He stared in disbelieve DISBELIEF (spelling)
*
"Move!" he yelled,(.) "There's more people inside."
*Pushing her past him, he screamed(,) "Run.(!)"
Excellent pacing and word economy, except for this one sentence:
*
Deirdre Wimplepool jumped at the noise of the shattering glass, dropping her china cup which smashed on impact with the table.
I suggest trimming out OF THE SHATTERING GLASS, since context implies that's what the noise is. Also, since this is flash, tightening this clause might be ideal too:
dropping her china cup which smashed on impact with the table.
dropping her china cup, which smashed on the table.
Strong story. Just needs fine tuning for a full polish.
Bravo.
Warmly,
rd
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Outstanding writing;. Tight and polished (for the most part) and well paced. Great flash style. Great scan of multiple POVs. Great descriptive detail. Strong thematic impact in the closing.
A few spags to note, mostly comma related:
*
Candice had always been her server(COMMA) and Deirdre tipped her handsomely.
*Waitresses always got a rough deal and needed the tips to survive(COMMA) and Deirdre was not short of money.
*He liked this table(COMMA) as he could flick his gaze from the newspaper pages
*He frowned as a crowd gathered beneath the clock tower, hoisting placards(COMMA) and the sound of chanting began to filter its way across the square.
* It would not look good to turn up with bad makeup and a juice(-)stained blouse.
* The smell of the lavender(-)infused liquid spreading across the tabletop did little to calm her. Her pupils dilated as pain shot up her left arm(COMMA) and she clutched her chest before collapsing onto the table.
Colin Atwood managed to turn his head and utter(COMMA) 'What the f--"
* He stared in disbelieve DISBELIEF (spelling)
*
"Move!" he yelled,(.) "There's more people inside."
*Pushing her past him, he screamed(,) "Run.(!)"
Excellent pacing and word economy, except for this one sentence:
*
Deirdre Wimplepool jumped at the noise of the shattering glass, dropping her china cup which smashed on impact with the table.
I suggest trimming out OF THE SHATTERING GLASS, since context implies that's what the noise is. Also, since this is flash, tightening this clause might be ideal too:
dropping her china cup which smashed on impact with the table.
dropping her china cup, which smashed on the table.
Strong story. Just needs fine tuning for a full polish.
Bravo.
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 07-Sep-2020
Comment from estory
Attention to detail in the descriptions of all these characters in the diner makes us see the individual stories, the small stories, that often get overlooked in the big national news narratives that relay info about such events. We see all these people innocently going about their lives, trying to earn a living, enjoying tea and jam, eggs and bacon, contemplating their place in that moment. The ash can crashing through the door, hurled by a nameless, faceless person, seems insensitive to their lives, a gesture of anger directed at no one in particular. Just a lashing out that ends up creating more victims. You cast a wide net in creating the characters too, we see all sorts of people from the diner owner to the waitress, to the wealthy lady leaving a tip. estory
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Attention to detail in the descriptions of all these characters in the diner makes us see the individual stories, the small stories, that often get overlooked in the big national news narratives that relay info about such events. We see all these people innocently going about their lives, trying to earn a living, enjoying tea and jam, eggs and bacon, contemplating their place in that moment. The ash can crashing through the door, hurled by a nameless, faceless person, seems insensitive to their lives, a gesture of anger directed at no one in particular. Just a lashing out that ends up creating more victims. You cast a wide net in creating the characters too, we see all sorts of people from the diner owner to the waitress, to the wealthy lady leaving a tip. estory
Comment Written 07-Sep-2020
