Opening The West
This is what my piece of history would look like26 total reviews
Comment from elchupakabra
Two Fingers was aptly named because he had lost his ring and little finger to frostbite a few seasons back. - This was the only thing I would slightly change, I would add one more missing finger so he had only 2 fingers left, thus the nickname 'Two Fingers'
Other than that I thought this was well done. Great work, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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Two Fingers was aptly named because he had lost his ring and little finger to frostbite a few seasons back. - This was the only thing I would slightly change, I would add one more missing finger so he had only 2 fingers left, thus the nickname 'Two Fingers'
Other than that I thought this was well done. Great work, thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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He needed to have three fingers to work the traps.Thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story.
Comment from Ben Colder
Good one. I see nothing worth troubling the water. Check out Ben Calder's "Grain Of Wheat."
Blackfoot, Montana- Dakota country. Crow enemies.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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Good one. I see nothing worth troubling the water. Check out Ben Calder's "Grain Of Wheat."
Blackfoot, Montana- Dakota country. Crow enemies.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story. I'll check yours out.
Comment from Father Flaps
Hi Mystery Author,
The picture of the mountain man drew me in. I'm a big fan of this part of history, the opening up of the old west. Two movies come to mind... "The Mountain Men", 1980, starring Charlton Heston as Bill Tyler and Brian Keith as Henry Frapp, two old trappers in search for a secret valley crawling with beaver... and Blackfeet Indians.
The other movie, "Jeremiah Johnson", 1972, starring Robert Redford as Jeremiah Johnson, Will Geer as Bear Claw Chris Lapp, Delle Bolton as Swan, and Stefan Gierasch as Del Gue. There actually was a famous trapper by the name of Jeremiah Johnson. But he ate the livers of the Indians he killed. That earned him the nickname of "Liver-Eatin' Johnson".
I enjoyed your "piece of history". It's very well written. The only spot I'd suggest something would be your very final line, "Those were my last thoughts as I watched the Blackfoot warrior with the cruel grin lay the torch (at the kindling at my feet)."
I suggest,
"Those were my last thoughts as I watched the Blackfoot warrior with the cruel grin lay the torch to the kindling at my feet."
This line successfully finished the story, as well as Cub's life. An abrupt end to his escapades in the mountains. I wonder what happened to his partner, Two Fingers Rogers. Perhaps he was killed in the fight. Better for him to not be taken as a prisoner. Being burned alive would not be a pleasant way to die. Your ending allows the reader to imagine the following moments. Sometimes it's good to allow the reader an opportunity to do some work, and not have everything spelled out.
I've been watching the series on TV... "ALONE". They put 7 or 8 contestants in the Arctic wilderness to see which one survives harsh conditions over many weeks. It's reality TV/Survival, with a $1,000,000 prize. These would be the conditions that mountain men would face. But they also had to trap as well. It took courage and know-how to be a mountain man.
Good Luck in the contest!
Cheers,
Kimbob
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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Hi Mystery Author,
The picture of the mountain man drew me in. I'm a big fan of this part of history, the opening up of the old west. Two movies come to mind... "The Mountain Men", 1980, starring Charlton Heston as Bill Tyler and Brian Keith as Henry Frapp, two old trappers in search for a secret valley crawling with beaver... and Blackfeet Indians.
The other movie, "Jeremiah Johnson", 1972, starring Robert Redford as Jeremiah Johnson, Will Geer as Bear Claw Chris Lapp, Delle Bolton as Swan, and Stefan Gierasch as Del Gue. There actually was a famous trapper by the name of Jeremiah Johnson. But he ate the livers of the Indians he killed. That earned him the nickname of "Liver-Eatin' Johnson".
I enjoyed your "piece of history". It's very well written. The only spot I'd suggest something would be your very final line, "Those were my last thoughts as I watched the Blackfoot warrior with the cruel grin lay the torch (at the kindling at my feet)."
I suggest,
"Those were my last thoughts as I watched the Blackfoot warrior with the cruel grin lay the torch to the kindling at my feet."
This line successfully finished the story, as well as Cub's life. An abrupt end to his escapades in the mountains. I wonder what happened to his partner, Two Fingers Rogers. Perhaps he was killed in the fight. Better for him to not be taken as a prisoner. Being burned alive would not be a pleasant way to die. Your ending allows the reader to imagine the following moments. Sometimes it's good to allow the reader an opportunity to do some work, and not have everything spelled out.
I've been watching the series on TV... "ALONE". They put 7 or 8 contestants in the Arctic wilderness to see which one survives harsh conditions over many weeks. It's reality TV/Survival, with a $1,000,000 prize. These would be the conditions that mountain men would face. But they also had to trap as well. It took courage and know-how to be a mountain man.
Good Luck in the contest!
Cheers,
Kimbob
Comment Written 15-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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I'm a big fan of both of those movies. Jeremiah Johnson was the first PG movie I saw in the theater. Since I only had 300 words I let the reader assume Two Fingers was killed in the battle.Thank you very much Kimbob for the six stars. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story.
Comment from oliver818
This is a good story and I think it could be even better if you made it longer. In particular I'd like to know what happened with the bear. This is the kind of scene that can really bring the reader into the story.
Thanks for sharing this and have a great day
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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This is a good story and I think it could be even better if you made it longer. In particular I'd like to know what happened with the bear. This is the kind of scene that can really bring the reader into the story.
Thanks for sharing this and have a great day
Comment Written 15-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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The bear might appear in another flash fiction.Thank ew my story.
Comment from Eternal Muse
Exciting adventures of the man who went to Rocky Mountains to find his fortune. Amazing descriptive imagery and visuals; the story is very well written with a good pace and flow. I enjoyed reading it and think this would make a great entry in the contest with this unique name. I wish you luck.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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Exciting adventures of the man who went to Rocky Mountains to find his fortune. Amazing descriptive imagery and visuals; the story is very well written with a good pace and flow. I enjoyed reading it and think this would make a great entry in the contest with this unique name. I wish you luck.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story.
Comment from Steven Hicks
Good luck with the contest. I was transposed when I began reading this piece. The small pieces of language you used really set me where your character was. I could feel the wet and the snow.
The twist at the end was a cute idea but I don't think it was necessary. You had a wonderful story without the twist.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2020
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Good luck with the contest. I was transposed when I began reading this piece. The small pieces of language you used really set me where your character was. I could feel the wet and the snow.
The twist at the end was a cute idea but I don't think it was necessary. You had a wonderful story without the twist.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2020
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If the story was able to transport you and make you feel you were in it did you base the four star rating solely on the surprise ending? Or is there something else I need to fix?
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I apologize, I thought I had chosen 5 star. Just because I thought something could have been different didn't take away from the job you did. It should have been 5 stars.
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You do know you can go back in and correct a mistaken review.
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no -- how
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Go back to the story and go down to the review box and change your rating to five stars then save it
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already done
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed your contest entry--except the tragic ending--but that is the way things went down then. Your words flow smoothly, your story is interesting, and there is great imagery.
Thanks for sharing. Best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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I enjoyed your contest entry--except the tragic ending--but that is the way things went down then. Your words flow smoothly, your story is interesting, and there is great imagery.
Thanks for sharing. Best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 14-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much Jan. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Oh, what a painful ending! I think you should have stayed home! lol. I can honestly say that flash fiction has a real unexpected ending, with an incredible twist. Well done, and good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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Oh, what a painful ending! I think you should have stayed home! lol. I can honestly say that flash fiction has a real unexpected ending, with an incredible twist. Well done, and good luck in the contest. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 14-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much Sandra. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Friend,
Lovely piece of Western Fiction in the form of 'Flash Fiction' meeting the desired norms, having lucid as well as perfectly matching the theme phraseology, captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end, and beautifully depicting the story.
Particularly noteworthy are the description of scenery + this sentence:
"I could tell by our beaver count we weren't going to get rich, but the freedom I found in this vast wilderness was the true treasure I'd found."
Interesting Indeed!
BEST OF LUCK in the contest.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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Hello Friend,
Lovely piece of Western Fiction in the form of 'Flash Fiction' meeting the desired norms, having lucid as well as perfectly matching the theme phraseology, captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end, and beautifully depicting the story.
Particularly noteworthy are the description of scenery + this sentence:
"I could tell by our beaver count we weren't going to get rich, but the freedom I found in this vast wilderness was the true treasure I'd found."
Interesting Indeed!
BEST OF LUCK in the contest.
Comment Written 13-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story.
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Friend, Most Welcome!
With best wishes,
~ RP
Comment from Becky Kern-Taylor
Wow another great piece. I was there with you. You must read a lot of books from that era to have such a feel for the nature there.
You must also be a big old west patron. I remember Roy Rogers and Gene Autry, not exactly the same is it?
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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Wow another great piece. I was there with you. You must read a lot of books from that era to have such a feel for the nature there.
You must also be a big old west patron. I remember Roy Rogers and Gene Autry, not exactly the same is it?
Comment Written 13-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2020
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My favorite tv show growing up was Daniel Boone starring Fess Parker. I've read biographies of all of the Mountain Men as well as Louis Lamour and William Johnsone books. I gues you could say I'm a patron, LOL. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my story.
