Renga Multi-Author Book
Viewing comments for Chapter 54 "Snow Storm"Renga is a Japanese linked poetry 5/7/5 and 7/7
3 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Snow
by Lisa Wharton
Hello, Lisa
silvery moonbeams
shimmer on wintry landscape
nightly storm lantern
White blankets cover the earth.
Wind howling makes it alive.
Hello, Lisa,
Nice continuation to Zanya's 5/7/5 stanza. Good syllable count and connection between lines. Great imagery of a winter scene. Well done my friend. Thank you very much for adding a chapter to our renga book and including the author notes.
Hugs,
Gypsy
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
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Snow
by Lisa Wharton
Hello, Lisa
silvery moonbeams
shimmer on wintry landscape
nightly storm lantern
White blankets cover the earth.
Wind howling makes it alive.
Hello, Lisa,
Nice continuation to Zanya's 5/7/5 stanza. Good syllable count and connection between lines. Great imagery of a winter scene. Well done my friend. Thank you very much for adding a chapter to our renga book and including the author notes.
Hugs,
Gypsy
Comment Written 12-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
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Thank you so much. I really enjoy this Renga book exercise. I really appreciate your nice review and encouragement.
Hugs.
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Sorry that "Homecoming" is not very popular. If you have a good idea to change it, I can. I just entered a contest and that poem is very popular. I can use that for Renga when the contest is over which is soon. Can I?
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Yes, I reviewed your renga chapter. You followed the previous chapter, Zanya's, well.
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I would not capitalize first letters and would not use a period stopping the flow. It sounds much better if both lines are connected. Something like this:.
white blankets cover the earth
and howling winds sift through it
Let me know if you decide to change it.
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I updated "Snow". I have no problems with "Snow".
I was talking about my new one "Homecoming".
Thanks.
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Yeah, I figured it out. I just finished the review for it with notes for you.
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I took your suggestion and updated with a new picture. I hope this looks good for you now. I'm new at this and really enjoy it.
Thank you very much for the lesson.
Hugs.
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Looks good :). I'm happy to share what I know.
Comment from Ben B.
This one is beautiful. I do have a few personal suggestions but none of them are crucial.
Instead of "like" you should try "with," may or may not make it sound more profound.
Instead of "Wind howling" I probably would have used "Howling winds" but again this is just a matter of taste. Overall great job!
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
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This one is beautiful. I do have a few personal suggestions but none of them are crucial.
Instead of "like" you should try "with," may or may not make it sound more profound.
Instead of "Wind howling" I probably would have used "Howling winds" but again this is just a matter of taste. Overall great job!
Comment Written 12-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
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I made correction. DId you see?
White blankets cover the earth.
Wind howling makes it alive.
I will take your advise, too.
Thanks.
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Awe thanks Lisa 😊
Comment from Marjon van Bruggen
Lisa, a good renga follow-up. I have a comment though. (just my thought, no critique, ignore it if you like) In the line "snow covers earth like blankets" you use "like". I am never in favor of that word. It gets the strength out of the image. If you change the line as follows: "snow covers earth with blankets", or even without mentioning the word snow:
"White blankets cover the earth", Well, just think about it. Smile. Marjon.
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
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Lisa, a good renga follow-up. I have a comment though. (just my thought, no critique, ignore it if you like) In the line "snow covers earth like blankets" you use "like". I am never in favor of that word. It gets the strength out of the image. If you change the line as follows: "snow covers earth with blankets", or even without mentioning the word snow:
"White blankets cover the earth", Well, just think about it. Smile. Marjon.
Comment Written 12-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 12-Aug-2020
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Marjon, thanks for your idea. I will use it.
I like to talk to you but I have been busy. I might have to use Skype to talk to you.
Thanks.
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Welcome, Lisa. If you want to use skype, do it after 28 of August. I have now too many problems with internet. Getting glassfiber cables end of august and they promised me that would change all my troubles for the better.