Summer Fun Has Begun
Just when you think you're lucky things change.7 total reviews
Comment from RShipp
"the wrinkles on his skin almost seem to have grown into mountains overnight. " ... " He slammed around like a pinball, his head flopping and thudding against a branch or two before hitting the ground." Great descriptions!
Eventough I knew it was supposed to be 'horror' ... I wasn't ready for the ending. Enjoyed.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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"the wrinkles on his skin almost seem to have grown into mountains overnight. " ... " He slammed around like a pinball, his head flopping and thudding against a branch or two before hitting the ground." Great descriptions!
Eventough I knew it was supposed to be 'horror' ... I wasn't ready for the ending. Enjoyed.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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I am glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
Wow, that was quite a ride! It appeared that something strange was happening to him. I don't know how he could nimbly jump out the window on to the tree. The branch breaks, he falls, probably a great distance, unscathed. He then is hit by a truck that does affect him, ending him. I like how you've presented this and enjoyed reading this engaging and well written work. Well done!
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2020
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Wow, that was quite a ride! It appeared that something strange was happening to him. I don't know how he could nimbly jump out the window on to the tree. The branch breaks, he falls, probably a great distance, unscathed. He then is hit by a truck that does affect him, ending him. I like how you've presented this and enjoyed reading this engaging and well written work. Well done!
Comment Written 07-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a horror deluxe entry for the Thriller or Horror writing prompt. It should do well in the contest. I wish you the best of good luck!
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2020
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This is a horror deluxe entry for the Thriller or Horror writing prompt. It should do well in the contest. I wish you the best of good luck!
Comment Written 07-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2020
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I hope so.
Comment from Marjon van Bruggen
This is a horror story! Yes, but a self-inflicted one. Teenagers should never drink so much beer or any other beverage with alcohol. Not even on a summer night's party. A glass or two...no problem. But as soon as the alcohol level in the blood gets too high, one looses control and disasters like this described here, can be the disastrous result.
Pleasures in life are not alcohol-induced!
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2020
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This is a horror story! Yes, but a self-inflicted one. Teenagers should never drink so much beer or any other beverage with alcohol. Not even on a summer night's party. A glass or two...no problem. But as soon as the alcohol level in the blood gets too high, one looses control and disasters like this described here, can be the disastrous result.
Pleasures in life are not alcohol-induced!
Comment Written 05-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2020
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I am so glad you liked it. Thank you for taking the time to read it and for the generous 5 stars.
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Welcome!
Comment from Bobby Cunningham
That's just crazy. This is mentally an all consuming story that held our attention throughout. We didn't notice any grammatical errors and the end is completely unexpected. This is a really good entry. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2020
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That's just crazy. This is mentally an all consuming story that held our attention throughout. We didn't notice any grammatical errors and the end is completely unexpected. This is a really good entry. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2020
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I am glad you liked it. Thank you for your review.
Comment from elchupakabra
"Ouch," a sudden shiver shook the razer(razor) nicking the teen's chin.
"My stock has gone up three points," his dad's voice was ruff (rough/gruff)
I like the story overall but my two biggest challenges with the piece are that some of the dialogue sound a bit clunky and could use some smoothing out and some of the prose really goes on for a long time (ex: it takes several paragraphs just for your character to leave the bathroom, some of the excess descriptions of everyday activities could be cut to shorten this).
Other than these small notes I enjoyed the story. Good work and thanks for sharing. Later daze.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2020
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"Ouch," a sudden shiver shook the razer(razor) nicking the teen's chin.
"My stock has gone up three points," his dad's voice was ruff (rough/gruff)
I like the story overall but my two biggest challenges with the piece are that some of the dialogue sound a bit clunky and could use some smoothing out and some of the prose really goes on for a long time (ex: it takes several paragraphs just for your character to leave the bathroom, some of the excess descriptions of everyday activities could be cut to shorten this).
Other than these small notes I enjoyed the story. Good work and thanks for sharing. Later daze.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2020
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Thank you for finding and pointing out the errors. I will go back over the story and see if I can smooth out the dialogue and stay more on track.
Comment from Susan X Smith
This story certainly had a shocking and unexpected ending. It was horrific but also a bit puzzling, because the lead up was so optimistic and cheerful. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2020
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This story certainly had a shocking and unexpected ending. It was horrific but also a bit puzzling, because the lead up was so optimistic and cheerful. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 04-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2020
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Thank you.
