His name was Teddy
It happens29 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I thought that was an excellent story, and what a surprising ending! I'm sure that could easily be a true story written by one of the many bullied children who end their own lives at home or in the woods. What Teddy did was his way out of the misery he was forced to suffer because one boy knew he could get away with it by his superiors. The ending also saw to it that Jake would never forget what he did to Teddy and other children. There are many Jakes around, and unfortunately, too many Teddys. Well done, an amazing story. Sandra xxx
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I thought that was an excellent story, and what a surprising ending! I'm sure that could easily be a true story written by one of the many bullied children who end their own lives at home or in the woods. What Teddy did was his way out of the misery he was forced to suffer because one boy knew he could get away with it by his superiors. The ending also saw to it that Jake would never forget what he did to Teddy and other children. There are many Jakes around, and unfortunately, too many Teddys. Well done, an amazing story. Sandra xxx
Comment Written 27-Jul-2020
Comment from oliver818
This is an excellent story. You did a brilliant job of taking us into the mind of a Poor bullied kid. I really felt his rage and a sense of justice when he blew away that nasty bully And although I hate violence in reality I often dreamed of hurting the bullies who bullied me at school.
Excellent story! Thanks so much for sharing this.
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This is an excellent story. You did a brilliant job of taking us into the mind of a Poor bullied kid. I really felt his rage and a sense of justice when he blew away that nasty bully And although I hate violence in reality I often dreamed of hurting the bullies who bullied me at school.
Excellent story! Thanks so much for sharing this.
Comment Written 27-Jul-2020
Comment from sibhus
Fictional in sense, yet so true in another sense. Excellent writing that really puts the reader in the moment. A moment that is played out in classrooms all across the country. And the media will play up Jake, yet another undeserved victim of gun violence. It good to see behind the scenes, if only people could see this in real life. A great story.
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Fictional in sense, yet so true in another sense. Excellent writing that really puts the reader in the moment. A moment that is played out in classrooms all across the country. And the media will play up Jake, yet another undeserved victim of gun violence. It good to see behind the scenes, if only people could see this in real life. A great story.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2020
Comment from Mastery
Hey Lance. Brilliant writing here, my friend. Sentences like this make a story great.: "Girls, who had never so much as glanced at Teddy, now looked at him as if he was bathed in a divine light." (Lots of imagination here)
Also here: "Over the past two years I have become well acquainted with the insides of a toilet bowl. I know precisely how much water it contains, when it's safest to breathe between flushes and how long it takes the bowl to refill."
(This is not funny, but rather so sad and so well written)
Suggestions if I may: "He walked with his head down as per usual." change to: "He walked with his head down as usual." Or: As usual, he walked with his head down."
And: "Mrs. Kirsch's eyes naturally went to Jake Founders and his lackeys." Change to: ""Mrs. Kirsch's eyes naturally TURNED to Jake Founders and his lackeys."
Also: " The reason Teddy never dressed for gym and the pool wasn't even a consideration for Teddy." Try: " The reason HE never dressed for gym and the pool wasn't even a consideration for Teddy.
Also: the paragraph that starts with these words is much much too long, my friend: "Teddy's eyes were now laser focused on Jake's red face. "
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2020
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Hey Lance. Brilliant writing here, my friend. Sentences like this make a story great.: "Girls, who had never so much as glanced at Teddy, now looked at him as if he was bathed in a divine light." (Lots of imagination here)
Also here: "Over the past two years I have become well acquainted with the insides of a toilet bowl. I know precisely how much water it contains, when it's safest to breathe between flushes and how long it takes the bowl to refill."
(This is not funny, but rather so sad and so well written)
Suggestions if I may: "He walked with his head down as per usual." change to: "He walked with his head down as usual." Or: As usual, he walked with his head down."
And: "Mrs. Kirsch's eyes naturally went to Jake Founders and his lackeys." Change to: ""Mrs. Kirsch's eyes naturally TURNED to Jake Founders and his lackeys."
Also: " The reason Teddy never dressed for gym and the pool wasn't even a consideration for Teddy." Try: " The reason HE never dressed for gym and the pool wasn't even a consideration for Teddy.
Also: the paragraph that starts with these words is much much too long, my friend: "Teddy's eyes were now laser focused on Jake's red face. "
Comment Written 26-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2020
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Thank you very much.
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Excellent writing, my friend. : ) Bob
Comment from royowen
What a brilliant thought provoking story, it never finished how I first thought it would. Well conceptualised, the surprising ending, was the unlikely one, but it was the conclusion I drew when before the gun came out, but America is so wrong with the "right to bear arms" because ordinary people will bear them, and so many will shoot someone at any time. That amendment was made when their was made when an enemy was in the country, and only muskets were around, Not weapons that can kill several folk in seconds, and blow the side off an elephant. People's idea of "freedom" is freedom for themselves not others. Beautifully written, blessings, Roy
Typo :Turned (to) towards the class. 2: this time (he) eyes were on. His? 3 : his eyes were glued on (his) Teddy's back pack. 4: that classroom (room)
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2020
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What a brilliant thought provoking story, it never finished how I first thought it would. Well conceptualised, the surprising ending, was the unlikely one, but it was the conclusion I drew when before the gun came out, but America is so wrong with the "right to bear arms" because ordinary people will bear them, and so many will shoot someone at any time. That amendment was made when their was made when an enemy was in the country, and only muskets were around, Not weapons that can kill several folk in seconds, and blow the side off an elephant. People's idea of "freedom" is freedom for themselves not others. Beautifully written, blessings, Roy
Typo :Turned (to) towards the class. 2: this time (he) eyes were on. His? 3 : his eyes were glued on (his) Teddy's back pack. 4: that classroom (room)
Comment Written 26-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2020
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Thank you very much, Roy.
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Welcome
Comment from Wabigoon
Lancellot--
I think I would six this if you got rid of all the silly "spag." It is a very affecting story. But the spag interferes with reading pleasure and any assurance on my part you proofread this well enough. It's a good story -- worth the effort to improve. Here are the "spag" I noted.
blue jean jeans
hurricain cane
or turned to towards the class (to) eliminate
Mrs. Kirsch knew Jake was evil to the core; I just doubt this as one of her thoughts.
In ten years Needs opening "
restroo. "m"
time () entered her classroom. she
Best
Wabigoon/Jeff
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2020
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Lancellot--
I think I would six this if you got rid of all the silly "spag." It is a very affecting story. But the spag interferes with reading pleasure and any assurance on my part you proofread this well enough. It's a good story -- worth the effort to improve. Here are the "spag" I noted.
blue jean jeans
hurricain cane
or turned to towards the class (to) eliminate
Mrs. Kirsch knew Jake was evil to the core; I just doubt this as one of her thoughts.
In ten years Needs opening "
restroo. "m"
time () entered her classroom. she
Best
Wabigoon/Jeff
Comment Written 26-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2020
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Thank you very much, Jeff.
Comment from roof35
This story is also very well written and very sad. I am glad that Teddy did not feel he had to take more students with him. This is nicely done. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2020
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This story is also very well written and very sad. I am glad that Teddy did not feel he had to take more students with him. This is nicely done. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2020
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Thank you.
Comment from Spitfire
Fantastic! Especially, the end. How much better to scramble Jeff's brain than just kill him.
Skillful way to handle Teddy's thought processes and hear all the torture he's endured. Timing the toilet bowl flush is a great 'show, don't tell' feature. Teddy's compassion for the principal and teacher puts the reader on his side.
So many examples of his fear. This should be a required read for all teachers to be alert as to a student's appearance and actions. Dig deeper. Contact parents. I know of one mother whose child was so bullied, that she elected to homeschool her.
Triple six if there is such a thing.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2020
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Fantastic! Especially, the end. How much better to scramble Jeff's brain than just kill him.
Skillful way to handle Teddy's thought processes and hear all the torture he's endured. Timing the toilet bowl flush is a great 'show, don't tell' feature. Teddy's compassion for the principal and teacher puts the reader on his side.
So many examples of his fear. This should be a required read for all teachers to be alert as to a student's appearance and actions. Dig deeper. Contact parents. I know of one mother whose child was so bullied, that she elected to homeschool her.
Triple six if there is such a thing.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2020
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Thank you very much.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This story may be fictional, but it's realistic fiction because it could happen in many schools in our society on a daily basis. Good luck with the contest.
a hoodie sweater that he never seemed to take off, heat wave or hurricain. (hurricane???? Also, I had a first graders a few years back who wore a full winter coat in 110 degree weather. He never took it off. It was something he owned and was afraid it would disappear if he didn't wear it.)
Teddy looked down at his paper, took a deep breath and then raised his head. "What I want to be in ten years, by Teddy Chambers. (I think these changes would make for a stronger sentence, --Teddy studied his paper....)
I wait until a minute before the final bell rings before I go to the restroo. (restroom)
Mrs. Kirsch could still hear Jake's screams each time entered her classroom. (each time SHE entered...)
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2020
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This story may be fictional, but it's realistic fiction because it could happen in many schools in our society on a daily basis. Good luck with the contest.
a hoodie sweater that he never seemed to take off, heat wave or hurricain. (hurricane???? Also, I had a first graders a few years back who wore a full winter coat in 110 degree weather. He never took it off. It was something he owned and was afraid it would disappear if he didn't wear it.)
Teddy looked down at his paper, took a deep breath and then raised his head. "What I want to be in ten years, by Teddy Chambers. (I think these changes would make for a stronger sentence, --Teddy studied his paper....)
I wait until a minute before the final bell rings before I go to the restroo. (restroom)
Mrs. Kirsch could still hear Jake's screams each time entered her classroom. (each time SHE entered...)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2020
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Thank you very much. Yes, I think you are right about that sentence.
and for the edits.
