Diamond in the Rough
He wasn't what she was looking for.16 total reviews
Comment from Aaron Milavec
Dear Susan,
You have a thrilling story. You portray Susan in the third person. This makes it like a newspaper article. I suggest you let Susan speak for herself using the first-person "I." Let the reader hear her inner thoughts and emotions. Introduce more direct speech.
First-person immediately puts the reader inside the narrator's head, which allows for an intimate portrayal of thoughts and emotions. ... By writing in first-person you can deliver the entire story in your narrator's voice, giving the text a clear identity and submerging the reader further into the world you are creating.
Peace and joy in writing,
Aaron
Peace in writing,
Aaron
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2020
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Dear Susan,
You have a thrilling story. You portray Susan in the third person. This makes it like a newspaper article. I suggest you let Susan speak for herself using the first-person "I." Let the reader hear her inner thoughts and emotions. Introduce more direct speech.
First-person immediately puts the reader inside the narrator's head, which allows for an intimate portrayal of thoughts and emotions. ... By writing in first-person you can deliver the entire story in your narrator's voice, giving the text a clear identity and submerging the reader further into the world you are creating.
Peace and joy in writing,
Aaron
Peace in writing,
Aaron
Comment Written 18-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2020
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Thank you so much for the review and comments. I usually do write in first person but since Susan is a person who is very close to me, I didn't think it would be right for me to take her story from her. I apprecated you reading and offering good advice.
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As long as you identify yourself as the writer, I see no difficulty in imagining what others are feeling. ~Aaron
Comment from Bobby Cunningham
This is a very captivating story that could be about us. In the third paragraph there's a typo, you wrote "agreeded" instead of agreed. A little further down you wrote "oh, heck, why did I invited him." This should be invite. Then again a little further down, "kieth would move in with in with" There are other typos so this needs a lot of editing. Despite All of your grammatical errors we still think it's worthy of a 5 тн? review. If you clean it up then it'll be a formidable entry for the contest and be worthy of a 6 тн? review. Have a wonderful day.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2020
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This is a very captivating story that could be about us. In the third paragraph there's a typo, you wrote "agreeded" instead of agreed. A little further down you wrote "oh, heck, why did I invited him." This should be invite. Then again a little further down, "kieth would move in with in with" There are other typos so this needs a lot of editing. Despite All of your grammatical errors we still think it's worthy of a 5 тн? review. If you clean it up then it'll be a formidable entry for the contest and be worthy of a 6 тн? review. Have a wonderful day.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2020
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Thank you so much for the review and the comments.I appreciate you pointing out the errors. I corrected those plus a bunch more. That is what get for reading over it again this morning with sleep filled eyes. I added a bunch of errors trying to correct it that weren't there last night.
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We're so happy that we were helpful. Have a wonderful day.
Comment from roof35
I really enjoyed reading this story. You had me liking the characters, especially Keith. A couple of typos I mention just so you can fix them. 1) Think you meant finish paperwork not finished. 2) Think you meant invite not invited. 3) Think you meant and arrested not as arrested. In all, this was nicely done.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2020
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I really enjoyed reading this story. You had me liking the characters, especially Keith. A couple of typos I mention just so you can fix them. 1) Think you meant finish paperwork not finished. 2) Think you meant invite not invited. 3) Think you meant and arrested not as arrested. In all, this was nicely done.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2020
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Thank you for the review and for pointing out the errors. I fixed them thanks to you.
Comment from royowen
It's funny that some things That happen to some people are suffering just plain bad luck, had they been in every other situation, these things May have been different. Beautifully written, most fascinating, a match made in Heaven an excellent story, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2020
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It's funny that some things That happen to some people are suffering just plain bad luck, had they been in every other situation, these things May have been different. Beautifully written, most fascinating, a match made in Heaven an excellent story, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 17-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2020
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Thank you for the review and great comments. I really apprecaite your reading this.
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Welcome
Comment from Susan X Smith
This is an interesting story which proves that truth is stranger than fiction. I would correct one word in the sentence which begins "For a long time, he kept partitioning." Instead of "partitioning" the word should be "petitioning."
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2020
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This is an interesting story which proves that truth is stranger than fiction. I would correct one word in the sentence which begins "For a long time, he kept partitioning." Instead of "partitioning" the word should be "petitioning."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2020
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Thank you for the review and comments, and also for pointing out the word I misspelled.
Comment from January L'Angelle
I loved this story! I love non-fiction stories that are heartwarming like this one. Everything about it was awesome! That's why I gave it a six! The characters voices were heard and the narration was superb. Great bit of writing. Awesome. You've got my vote. God bless. -January L. :)
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2020
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I loved this story! I love non-fiction stories that are heartwarming like this one. Everything about it was awesome! That's why I gave it a six! The characters voices were heard and the narration was superb. Great bit of writing. Awesome. You've got my vote. God bless. -January L. :)
Comment Written 17-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 17-Jul-2020
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Thank you so much for the lovely review and great comments. I deeply appreciate the six stars. Bless you. :-)
