Choice
Woman thinking about life15 total reviews
Comment from Rachelle Allen
Noooo! You cannot leave me hanging like this! She DID have another bad dream...and was it a harbinger of what was to come of her beloved, who is so gentle and sweet and good to her?! Oy, cruel, cruel writer! But you did that super-talent thing of leaving your readers wanting more. (Damn you.)
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2022
  |
Noooo! You cannot leave me hanging like this! She DID have another bad dream...and was it a harbinger of what was to come of her beloved, who is so gentle and sweet and good to her?! Oy, cruel, cruel writer! But you did that super-talent thing of leaving your readers wanting more. (Damn you.)
Comment Written 21-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2022
-
This one was one of those fragmented pieces of writing. It only takes you so far then poof it's done. Thank you for your feed back.
Gretchen
-
Well, if you ever decide to take it further, I will be the first in line to read it. It's excellent.
Comment from sunnilicious
Loving relationships does entail being there when your union needs you; emotional or not. This story was nice. Nobody likes shivers, but the comfort of someone near that loves us is good security. All couples should have this communication between each other. Excellent work :)
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2022
|
Loving relationships does entail being there when your union needs you; emotional or not. This story was nice. Nobody likes shivers, but the comfort of someone near that loves us is good security. All couples should have this communication between each other. Excellent work :)
Comment Written 17-Aug-2022
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2022
-
Thank you so much for your sweet words and review. I appreciate them.
Gretchen
Comment from sibhus
Good piece, it's well written and sets a mood of impending dread through the setting and the dialogue. It would be interesting to see where this is going, but as it is it's a very good start.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
|
Good piece, it's well written and sets a mood of impending dread through the setting and the dialogue. It would be interesting to see where this is going, but as it is it's a very good start.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
-
Thank you
Gretchen
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Bad dream. Premonition? I had a few of them in my married life and they were real. Was glad to see this is fiction. My man had several dangerous jobs. You did a great job with this short story dear. Well done. Nancy:)
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
|
Bad dream. Premonition? I had a few of them in my married life and they were real. Was glad to see this is fiction. My man had several dangerous jobs. You did a great job with this short story dear. Well done. Nancy:)
Comment Written 08-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
-
Thank you
Gretchen
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I want to know if he makes it back early or for some reason will he make it back this time. This is a great beginning that deserves an ending.
"Was it another dream? Is that what this is about?" He asks. (lower case 'h' on he)
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
|
I want to know if he makes it back early or for some reason will he make it back this time. This is a great beginning that deserves an ending.
"Was it another dream? Is that what this is about?" He asks. (lower case 'h' on he)
Comment Written 08-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
-
Thank you
Gretchen
Comment from Ric Myworld
Sometimes, if we only trust our senses . . .. Great job of using what isn't said to give the bigger wallop than what is. Waterman reminds me of an old fisherman friend who was once being interviewed by a radio station.
The DJ asked Tom his fishing secrets, and Tom replied, "Well if the wife gets out of bed on the left side, I fish over the left-side of the boat.
The DJ said, "So, I guess, if she gets out of bed on the right side you fish over the right-side of the boat?
"Yes, you're exactly right." Tom nodded and smiled.
The DJ hesitated a bit, then asked, "So, what if the wife doesn't get out of bed at all?"
Tom chuckled and said, "Oh, that's easy . . . then, I don't go fishing."
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
|
Sometimes, if we only trust our senses . . .. Great job of using what isn't said to give the bigger wallop than what is. Waterman reminds me of an old fisherman friend who was once being interviewed by a radio station.
The DJ asked Tom his fishing secrets, and Tom replied, "Well if the wife gets out of bed on the left side, I fish over the left-side of the boat.
The DJ said, "So, I guess, if she gets out of bed on the right side you fish over the right-side of the boat?
"Yes, you're exactly right." Tom nodded and smiled.
The DJ hesitated a bit, then asked, "So, what if the wife doesn't get out of bed at all?"
Tom chuckled and said, "Oh, that's easy . . . then, I don't go fishing."
Comment Written 08-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
-
Thank you
Gretchen
Comment from BethShelby
I can feel the worry. I guess the job he has is his choice and her choice was to marry someone that she is bound to spend her days worrying that he not come home. I'd hate of have made that choice.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
|
I can feel the worry. I guess the job he has is his choice and her choice was to marry someone that she is bound to spend her days worrying that he not come home. I'd hate of have made that choice.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
-
Thank you
Gretchen
Comment from JudyE
The only problem I have with this is that some is in the present tense and some in the past tense - often within the same sentence. Are you trying to tell the reader that the husband has perished? The wife's feelings and tension builds very nicely.
I'm marked the places where the tense changes but I'll leave you to decide whether you want to change anything or not.
He will be up soon. Moving about their small house on the island, up before the sun crept (creeps) over the horizon. It's his way. A waterman since before she knew him. It is a dangerous job but he was (is) careful. Careful to a fault, he often joked (jokes).
The bell on the alarm clock breaks the song of the raindrops and he sat (sits) up. She can feel his gaze upon her.
"Don't go," she whispers, half ashamed of her selfish need of him.
"Why?"
"Just want you to stay with me."
He lays back down, wrapping his arm across her shoulder. "I'll be back. I'll finish early."
She knows better than to argue. He's a waterman. They don't have sick days. They work despite the weather, despite the time of year. They work.
"Did you want me to bring you a cup of coffee?" he asks, moving the covers off to stand.
"I'm getting up."
He pulls his pants on and starts layering his clothes for his day on the water while she goes into the kitchen to fix the coffee.
"Was it another dream? Is that what this is about?" He asks. - lower case for 'he'
"No."
He looks across the kitchen table, watching her in the dim light. "I'll be home early. I promise. "
She smiles. He deserves to see her smile. " It's a bad omen to see a look of worry in your lover's eyes. " That's what he told (tells) her.
He pulls his oil skins on and kneels down beside her. " I'll be home soon. You'll see. "
Her fingers trace the callouses on his palm. "I'll be here. Now be care-," He kisses her, cutting off her words.
"I always am." He steps out into the rain and closes the door behind him.
She stares at the empty chair and tries to smile, despite the shiver that wracks her body.
Cheers
Judy
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
|
The only problem I have with this is that some is in the present tense and some in the past tense - often within the same sentence. Are you trying to tell the reader that the husband has perished? The wife's feelings and tension builds very nicely.
I'm marked the places where the tense changes but I'll leave you to decide whether you want to change anything or not.
He will be up soon. Moving about their small house on the island, up before the sun crept (creeps) over the horizon. It's his way. A waterman since before she knew him. It is a dangerous job but he was (is) careful. Careful to a fault, he often joked (jokes).
The bell on the alarm clock breaks the song of the raindrops and he sat (sits) up. She can feel his gaze upon her.
"Don't go," she whispers, half ashamed of her selfish need of him.
"Why?"
"Just want you to stay with me."
He lays back down, wrapping his arm across her shoulder. "I'll be back. I'll finish early."
She knows better than to argue. He's a waterman. They don't have sick days. They work despite the weather, despite the time of year. They work.
"Did you want me to bring you a cup of coffee?" he asks, moving the covers off to stand.
"I'm getting up."
He pulls his pants on and starts layering his clothes for his day on the water while she goes into the kitchen to fix the coffee.
"Was it another dream? Is that what this is about?" He asks. - lower case for 'he'
"No."
He looks across the kitchen table, watching her in the dim light. "I'll be home early. I promise. "
She smiles. He deserves to see her smile. " It's a bad omen to see a look of worry in your lover's eyes. " That's what he told (tells) her.
He pulls his oil skins on and kneels down beside her. " I'll be home soon. You'll see. "
Her fingers trace the callouses on his palm. "I'll be here. Now be care-," He kisses her, cutting off her words.
"I always am." He steps out into the rain and closes the door behind him.
She stares at the empty chair and tries to smile, despite the shiver that wracks her body.
Cheers
Judy
Comment Written 08-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
-
Thank you
Gretchen
Comment from Rbrendaartwork18
It has to be a 6. This was a beautiful interpretation of my wet scene from heavy rain. The words held the reader and she wants to know more. The words do indeed flow.
There is a comparison to me almost...
"I stared at his broad shoulders as he lay on his left side. The early light was just about breaking through our one window in our kitchen. It spread slowly round our windowless inner room and he stirred.
"It's time" he said
.."I know".."
I must catch the ferry"
"I wish you didn't need to go, its still dangerous"
We can't stay on this island for ever, I must go.
I think what this lockdown has done. We were cosy and together for 4 months. He is a waterman whose boat was sold in February, we had to stay in my one room studio, unable to get home. He is lost without it but age is his master. He has to go today, the first flight home and I must stay alone on our island with our dog Jolly. Until his return.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
 |
It has to be a 6. This was a beautiful interpretation of my wet scene from heavy rain. The words held the reader and she wants to know more. The words do indeed flow.
There is a comparison to me almost...
"I stared at his broad shoulders as he lay on his left side. The early light was just about breaking through our one window in our kitchen. It spread slowly round our windowless inner room and he stirred.
"It's time" he said
.."I know".."
I must catch the ferry"
"I wish you didn't need to go, its still dangerous"
We can't stay on this island for ever, I must go.
I think what this lockdown has done. We were cosy and together for 4 months. He is a waterman whose boat was sold in February, we had to stay in my one room studio, unable to get home. He is lost without it but age is his master. He has to go today, the first flight home and I must stay alone on our island with our dog Jolly. Until his return.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
-
Thank you
Gretchen
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
I enjoyed your story. Your lines read well to tell of this specific time and place. I could envision it as I read it. I know his job is dangerous, but I do not know what exactly he does. The lines about the dream were interesting--maybe she feels it is a premonition. Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
|
I enjoyed your story. Your lines read well to tell of this specific time and place. I could envision it as I read it. I know his job is dangerous, but I do not know what exactly he does. The lines about the dream were interesting--maybe she feels it is a premonition. Thanks for sharing.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 07-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2022
-
Thank you
Gretchen
