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Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "The Cave"With their call stalled, Liz & Linda begin walking
10 total reviews
Comment from Judy Lawless
It's been a busy week, but I finally found time to read a couple more chapters. This is riveting, Liz. What a relief that they all made it to the cave. Now, we hope that they make it to permanent safety. Well done.
reply by the author on 20-May-2021
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It's been a busy week, but I finally found time to read a couple more chapters. This is riveting, Liz. What a relief that they all made it to the cave. Now, we hope that they make it to permanent safety. Well done.
Comment Written 20-May-2021
reply by the author on 20-May-2021
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Thank you. This is a nice review. The trip through the case resulted in my research of Montana cave...scary. I watched you tube one whole day.
Comment from H. Darwin Reeves
Well done. As I'm sure you're aware, this scenario or something similar, occurs much to often to the young native American girls. Your piece did a good job of showing and not just telling the story. Good use of metaphors and similes. Fun read. Thanks for posting.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2020
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Well done. As I'm sure you're aware, this scenario or something similar, occurs much to often to the young native American girls. Your piece did a good job of showing and not just telling the story. Good use of metaphors and similes. Fun read. Thanks for posting.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2020
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Thank you for your involved supportive review. Much of the story is the girls telling their story. I quote some of the epidemic statistcs which are skewed in the white man and government numbers. I hope you can continue to follow. I may be posting a poem from a poetry club I'm in, from time to time. so you won't be disappointed.
Comment from aryr
Very well done, I haven't read any of the previous chapters but will do so now that I have finished this one. This was a great chapter with an easy reading flow, great descriptive details and an interest that held the reader captive. Great job.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2020
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Very well done, I haven't read any of the previous chapters but will do so now that I have finished this one. This was a great chapter with an easy reading flow, great descriptive details and an interest that held the reader captive. Great job.
Comment Written 10-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2020
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Thank you for your interested, supportive review. Much of the story is the girls telling their story. I quote some of the epidemic statistcs which are skewed in the white man and government numbers. I hope you can continue to follow. I may be posting a poem from a poetry club I'm in, from time to time. so you won't be disappointed.
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Your are so welcome Liz, I shall get onto the other chapters today.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
What a contemporary human rights issue you have themed! I find how expressively and artistically promoted the thought about the epidemic problem of abductions and murders of Native American teens; I wish you may grammatically correct this sentence: Neither needed to be guided around two other deterrents to snoopers: burdocks, and stinging nettle; and you may express this sentence expressively: Sage, now feeling better spoke; enjoyed the read; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2020
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What a contemporary human rights issue you have themed! I find how expressively and artistically promoted the thought about the epidemic problem of abductions and murders of Native American teens; I wish you may grammatically correct this sentence: Neither needed to be guided around two other deterrents to snoopers: burdocks, and stinging nettle; and you may express this sentence expressively: Sage, now feeling better spoke; enjoyed the read; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 09-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 09-Jul-2020
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Thank you for your supportive enthusiastic review.
Comment from lyenochka
So glad that they were able to get to safety and are in a cave with an invisible entrance. I think you might consider shorter lengths - maybe stopping when Sage was missing as a cliffhanger and give us her story at the next post?
"sagged to the ground.," (remove period)
" Five barefooted girls stood before them. Each took an arm" (Since there are only four arms between Liz and Linda, I'm having trouble envisioning this."
stairs. (end of this sentence should be followed by the one below which
is separated by a blank line so the paragraph is separated.) "She was ..,"
someone must still [be] outside.
She told what a fool she felt like. ****** (instead of "telling" maybe just give us a dialogue here? )
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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So glad that they were able to get to safety and are in a cave with an invisible entrance. I think you might consider shorter lengths - maybe stopping when Sage was missing as a cliffhanger and give us her story at the next post?
"sagged to the ground.," (remove period)
" Five barefooted girls stood before them. Each took an arm" (Since there are only four arms between Liz and Linda, I'm having trouble envisioning this."
stairs. (end of this sentence should be followed by the one below which
is separated by a blank line so the paragraph is separated.) "She was ..,"
someone must still [be] outside.
She told what a fool she felt like. ****** (instead of "telling" maybe just give us a dialogue here? )
Comment Written 06-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Thank you for your supportive review. The next couple of chapters are the girl's stories. I'm glad it is capturing interest.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Wow. This story is just scary on so many levels, Liz! Thanx for this chapter and I'll be patting my foot for the next! ;) Yvette
There erupted a squawking, squealing, ranting, and screeching that would shatter eardrums. --> [maybe a few less 'ing' words...thing you lose their impact with so many strung together...]
girls and now they needed serious saving, Dramatic -> girls, and now they needed serious saving. Dramatic
The trembling, swimming throughout their innards, made --> The trembling that had been swimming throughout their innards made
state. (Her mother had gone down cellar to get the lantern. She quickly returned to urge her two-year-old brother and her, down the wooden cellar stairs.
She was three when they were ushered to be seated upon their Glider sled on the dirt floor.) --> state. [start a new paragraph here and eliminate the parentheses and use italics instead] Her mother had gone down cellar to get the lantern. She quickly returned to urge her two-year-old brother and her down the wooden cellar stairs. [eliminate this carriage return. This is still part of the 'flashback'...] She was three when they were ushered to be seated upon their Glider sled on the dirt floor.
dreaded alarm sounded. --> dreaded alarm sound.
must still outside. --> must still be outside.
the desperates were aiming --> the desperate men were aiming
and chase up a slippery --> and chase her up a slippery
The angry bewildered jabbering rolled back --> [too many adjectives in a row. Perhaps try...] Angry and bewildered, the jabbering men rolled back
******Two of --> ******Two of [use italics for the 'story' here instead of the asterisks...]
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Wow. This story is just scary on so many levels, Liz! Thanx for this chapter and I'll be patting my foot for the next! ;) Yvette
There erupted a squawking, squealing, ranting, and screeching that would shatter eardrums. --> [maybe a few less 'ing' words...thing you lose their impact with so many strung together...]
girls and now they needed serious saving, Dramatic -> girls, and now they needed serious saving. Dramatic
The trembling, swimming throughout their innards, made --> The trembling that had been swimming throughout their innards made
state. (Her mother had gone down cellar to get the lantern. She quickly returned to urge her two-year-old brother and her, down the wooden cellar stairs.
She was three when they were ushered to be seated upon their Glider sled on the dirt floor.) --> state. [start a new paragraph here and eliminate the parentheses and use italics instead] Her mother had gone down cellar to get the lantern. She quickly returned to urge her two-year-old brother and her down the wooden cellar stairs. [eliminate this carriage return. This is still part of the 'flashback'...] She was three when they were ushered to be seated upon their Glider sled on the dirt floor.
dreaded alarm sounded. --> dreaded alarm sound.
must still outside. --> must still be outside.
the desperates were aiming --> the desperate men were aiming
and chase up a slippery --> and chase her up a slippery
The angry bewildered jabbering rolled back --> [too many adjectives in a row. Perhaps try...] Angry and bewildered, the jabbering men rolled back
******Two of --> ******Two of [use italics for the 'story' here instead of the asterisks...]
Comment Written 06-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Thank you for your supportive review. The next couple of chapters are the girl's stories. I'm glad it is capturing interest.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Wow, finally the mystery of the abduction is coming up to light. Poor girls went through such a pain and turmoil, thanks God for that cave that generously offered shelter and refugee from the kidnappers. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Wow, finally the mystery of the abduction is coming up to light. Poor girls went through such a pain and turmoil, thanks God for that cave that generously offered shelter and refugee from the kidnappers. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2020
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Thank you for your supportive review. The next couple of chapters are the girl's stories. I'm glad it is capturing interest.
Comment from Mistydawn
I was sure their plan was going to backfire on them, that they'd be trapped. I'm so glad it worked out the way it did and that Sage and the other girls are safe. Your story is very well-written, interesting start to finish. I'm really loving your Liz and Linda adventures. I wish I had a six to give but I'm all out.
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2020
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I was sure their plan was going to backfire on them, that they'd be trapped. I'm so glad it worked out the way it did and that Sage and the other girls are safe. Your story is very well-written, interesting start to finish. I'm really loving your Liz and Linda adventures. I wish I had a six to give but I'm all out.
Comment Written 06-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2020
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Thank you for your enthusiastic review. Just the fact you would give it a 6 is enough. I'm glad you are enjoying it. My next post will be a poem from a poetry club, just so you will not be disappointed.
Comment from AJ McCall
This is unlike anything I ever read. I know Native Americans were people that are not much in numbers anymore, but I didn't know this was also something happening to them. I like this style of writing. I did notice you put two commas in one of your paragraphs. Waiting for the next chapter!
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2020
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This is unlike anything I ever read. I know Native Americans were people that are not much in numbers anymore, but I didn't know this was also something happening to them. I like this style of writing. I did notice you put two commas in one of your paragraphs. Waiting for the next chapter!
Comment Written 06-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2020
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Thank you for your involved review. It is a myth that the Native Americans are disappearing. Their existence and importance has only been minimized in the minds of people, not in reality. That is also true of the Mayans as told to me by a Mayan. My next post will be a poem from a poetry club, just so you will not be disappointed.
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You're welcome. And thank you! So there are lot of them, but people just don't talk about it? I wouldn't say I'd be disappointed but maybe I would get to read the next chapter of Traffic. :) We need more people like you!
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Thank you.
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:)
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This story is full of intrigue and action. Each hiccup makes you feel that the plan will not work and then somehow the action is able to progress. Wonderfully done!
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2020
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This story is full of intrigue and action. Each hiccup makes you feel that the plan will not work and then somehow the action is able to progress. Wonderfully done!
Comment Written 06-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jul-2020
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Thank you for your enthusiastic review. I'm glad you are enjoying it. My next post will be a poem from a poetry club, just so you will not be disappointed.
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Will look for it!