The Runner
time stood still18 total reviews
Comment from sibhus
Wait, this is my home town, how you do that? No, kidding. This is really good and it could apply to so many rural small towns that are slowly vanishing. The well crafted writing in this piece makes it an excellent entry for the contest. Good luck.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Wait, this is my home town, how you do that? No, kidding. This is really good and it could apply to so many rural small towns that are slowly vanishing. The well crafted writing in this piece makes it an excellent entry for the contest. Good luck.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Thank you so much for your encouraging review and for the good luck wishes.
Comment from Ric Myworld
They say all things happen for a reason, but more times than not, we are the real reason . . . being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Great job, and thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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They say all things happen for a reason, but more times than not, we are the real reason . . . being in the wrong place at the wrong time. Great job, and thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Thank you so much for your wonderful review.
Comment from R. Hiland
Really like the concept and some of the ideas. The cemetery as log book was a nice touch. The 4 star rating is more about grammar and editing. The opening sentence starts with a past tense point of view; "he wondered". The second paragraph shifts. "Dust was covering", and "He was wondering". "Dust covered", and "he wondered" would be more consistent choices. "Choose" should probably be "chose" in the grammatical context. 3rd and 4th Paragraphs, back to past tense: "he traced" and "names of his friends stacked" (stacked? not carved? aren't the tombstones stacked, not the names?) 6th paragraph, a mixture. Some past tense, some future, some present tense verbs and gerunds. For me, these amount to sour notes in the song; they make your storyu less enjoyable to read. The piece would benefit from some careful proofreading. It could be much better than it is.
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Really like the concept and some of the ideas. The cemetery as log book was a nice touch. The 4 star rating is more about grammar and editing. The opening sentence starts with a past tense point of view; "he wondered". The second paragraph shifts. "Dust was covering", and "He was wondering". "Dust covered", and "he wondered" would be more consistent choices. "Choose" should probably be "chose" in the grammatical context. 3rd and 4th Paragraphs, back to past tense: "he traced" and "names of his friends stacked" (stacked? not carved? aren't the tombstones stacked, not the names?) 6th paragraph, a mixture. Some past tense, some future, some present tense verbs and gerunds. For me, these amount to sour notes in the song; they make your storyu less enjoyable to read. The piece would benefit from some careful proofreading. It could be much better than it is.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2020
Comment from lancellot
Nice, I guess it was actually Death that sent him that letter. I do find it odd that a small town mother would use the words, particle by particle, but it's your story.
Good, horror filled ending.
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Nice, I guess it was actually Death that sent him that letter. I do find it odd that a small town mother would use the words, particle by particle, but it's your story.
Good, horror filled ending.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jul-2020
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Thank you.
Comment from Amanda Louise Davis
This story is all right, but some of the word usage is a bit odd. Dust would 'make' not 'play' patterns on windows. Names would not be 'stacked' on a monument. I got what you were trying to say, though.
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This story is all right, but some of the word usage is a bit odd. Dust would 'make' not 'play' patterns on windows. Names would not be 'stacked' on a monument. I got what you were trying to say, though.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2020
Comment from F. William Lester
A good start to a good story. It's tough to fit all the elements of a story into 250 words. You made a good effort.
On the other hand, when you are faced with such a daunting task, word choice and sentence construction are critical.
"Dust was covering the alley..." Delete "was covering" and insert "covered". Stay away from the passive voice as much as possible in such a short piece. It adds an extra word and tends to weaken the sentence.
"...old train station playing funny..." You need a comma between "station" and "playing."
"The same feeling of despair was ruling this forgotten town. He was wondering about his friends that choose to
stay. He wanted to be something else, and not a prisoner of this ghost town." "Choose" is present tense. Should be "chose", past tense. Try this: "Despair still ruled this forgotten town. Wanting to be something else, he chose to leave but wondered about his friends that remained behind."
"As usual on the way..." You need a comma after "usual".
"Pensive he started to mumble:" You need a comma between "Pensive" and "he" and after "mumble". No colon. In general, throughout the entire paragraph you need to watch your tense. Keep it all one tense. If you have to change tense, begin a new paragraph.
Who are the runners? Why are they called runners? Who is Casper? Concise wording and tight, direct sentence structure will give you greater flexibility to answer these questions in such a short piece.
I hope these comments are helpful. Good work. Don't give up. The story has a lot of potential. One thought, your story might be too big for 250 words.
Good luck. Good writing.
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A good start to a good story. It's tough to fit all the elements of a story into 250 words. You made a good effort.
On the other hand, when you are faced with such a daunting task, word choice and sentence construction are critical.
"Dust was covering the alley..." Delete "was covering" and insert "covered". Stay away from the passive voice as much as possible in such a short piece. It adds an extra word and tends to weaken the sentence.
"...old train station playing funny..." You need a comma between "station" and "playing."
"The same feeling of despair was ruling this forgotten town. He was wondering about his friends that choose to
stay. He wanted to be something else, and not a prisoner of this ghost town." "Choose" is present tense. Should be "chose", past tense. Try this: "Despair still ruled this forgotten town. Wanting to be something else, he chose to leave but wondered about his friends that remained behind."
"As usual on the way..." You need a comma after "usual".
"Pensive he started to mumble:" You need a comma between "Pensive" and "he" and after "mumble". No colon. In general, throughout the entire paragraph you need to watch your tense. Keep it all one tense. If you have to change tense, begin a new paragraph.
Who are the runners? Why are they called runners? Who is Casper? Concise wording and tight, direct sentence structure will give you greater flexibility to answer these questions in such a short piece.
I hope these comments are helpful. Good work. Don't give up. The story has a lot of potential. One thought, your story might be too big for 250 words.
Good luck. Good writing.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2020
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Sounds like he was lured back to witness the demise of his friends and perhaps join them. A weird way of finding nothing but death waiting for you. Good imagination.
PS: second paragraph, second line from bottom
choose s/b chose.
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Sounds like he was lured back to witness the demise of his friends and perhaps join them. A weird way of finding nothing but death waiting for you. Good imagination.
PS: second paragraph, second line from bottom
choose s/b chose.
Comment Written 02-Jul-2020
Comment from Jacob David Collins
I thought this was really clever and I liked the way how you pulled it together in the end, I thought your last line was really chilling. I thought your writing was sharp and well written. Good luck in the contest!
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I thought this was really clever and I liked the way how you pulled it together in the end, I thought your last line was really chilling. I thought your writing was sharp and well written. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 01-Jul-2020
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
(typos: why the heck I HAD TO read s/b DID I HAVE TO; semicolon vs period after count; there were...; comma after pensive,) Not sure what you mean by "runner"; was the letter sent by "Casper the ghost"? L like the dust playing funny patterns. Good luck. Cheers. LIZ
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(typos: why the heck I HAD TO read s/b DID I HAVE TO; semicolon vs period after count; there were...; comma after pensive,) Not sure what you mean by "runner"; was the letter sent by "Casper the ghost"? L like the dust playing funny patterns. Good luck. Cheers. LIZ
Comment Written 30-Jun-2020
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written story about time that seems to stood still and we cannot believe the things we can remember feel like it all happened yesterday and the years between fall away.
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A very well-written story about time that seems to stood still and we cannot believe the things we can remember feel like it all happened yesterday and the years between fall away.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2020