Looking for Orion - 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "The Flight - part 2"Brothers fight for faith ... and for their lives.
6 total reviews
Comment from Precious Owuamalam
This: "Always pray and never give up. Luke 18:1." got me. Beautiful Chapter. I hope they get to where they need to be. You've written well
This isn't very clear: "Jack knew he was already in way over his head". You may want to read through again and make adjustments where necessary.
You may want to add a full stop after: him oft
My very best wishes, now and always.
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2020
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This: "Always pray and never give up. Luke 18:1." got me. Beautiful Chapter. I hope they get to where they need to be. You've written well
This isn't very clear: "Jack knew he was already in way over his head". You may want to read through again and make adjustments where necessary.
You may want to add a full stop after: him oft
My very best wishes, now and always.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2020
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Hi Precious!
Being in over one's head is an old slang expression that means gotten into something they're not sure they can get out of. For Jack, that's pretty much spot on. I want to keep the Texas vernacular in as much as possible to make it more like the way the guys would tink.
Thank you for the catch, though!
I'll go fix that right now. :)
Blessings, my over-seas friend!
Deb
Comment from Margaret Bednar
I'll have to remember Luke 18:1 Their mother seems like an amazing woman - I hope we get to meet her a bit more in upcoming chapters. This would make a good movie :)
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2020
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I'll have to remember Luke 18:1 Their mother seems like an amazing woman - I hope we get to meet her a bit more in upcoming chapters. This would make a good movie :)
Comment Written 20-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2020
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Thank you! I'll let you write the screen play! lol. Why not? You can do everything else!!
Blessings,
Debby
Comment from lyenochka
I can see why this is just continuation of the other post because they didn't get out of danger yet. I wondered about who said this or in whose mind this came from:
"Always pray and never give up. Luke 18:1."
I was surprised that Jack had the spiritual crisis and not Cody. "Jack frowned at the long-forgotten words, wondering how many years ago he'd learned them."
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2020
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I can see why this is just continuation of the other post because they didn't get out of danger yet. I wondered about who said this or in whose mind this came from:
"Always pray and never give up. Luke 18:1."
I was surprised that Jack had the spiritual crisis and not Cody. "Jack frowned at the long-forgotten words, wondering how many years ago he'd learned them."
Comment Written 19-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2020
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This is such a broken up way to read the novel! I think it's hard to remember little parts because of all the reading we do here (which is GREAT! lol) I've seen this happen, though -- someone you love is sphurt in some way and you're the one who has a problem with God for allowing that to happen to them. And sometimes it's harder to deal with the emotional hurt because you see the devastation, rather than the physical hurt or even loss. We are crazy beings.
As for the verse from Luke. Good point. I'll change that from quotes to italicized print.
Thanks!
Blessings for the weekend,
Deb
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Yes, I can see that happening, too! Hope you figure out the font issue. I've seen that in other posts where you can't see the letters which dangle below the line so the y looks like a v.
Comment from robyn corum
Deb,
Good strong chapter. Lots of extra in it, but the bones are nice. Remember in a tense scene, you use a bare minimum of words - clip the scene along. It's in a luxurious scene that you wax wordy. *smile*
Notes:
1.) fear of pursuers almost (palpable).
2.) Vines and weeds wrapped themselves around Cody's leaden feet and ankles, tripping him oft
--> needs an ending
3.) "Always pray and never give up. Luke 18:1."
--> the quote mark goes after the quote
Thanks!
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2020
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Deb,
Good strong chapter. Lots of extra in it, but the bones are nice. Remember in a tense scene, you use a bare minimum of words - clip the scene along. It's in a luxurious scene that you wax wordy. *smile*
Notes:
1.) fear of pursuers almost (palpable).
2.) Vines and weeds wrapped themselves around Cody's leaden feet and ankles, tripping him oft
--> needs an ending
3.) "Always pray and never give up. Luke 18:1."
--> the quote mark goes after the quote
Thanks!
Comment Written 19-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2020
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Lol. The previous reviewer said that it was okay, but not enough description. haha. I do know what you're saying, though. I'll look at it again on Monday, when we're back from Father's Day celebrations.
Thanks, Robyn, and have a great weekend!
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Another, exciting, tense read. When you have to take so much care, minutes seem to hours. I hope they get there. The fact Jack keeps going in the wrong direction doesn't help. I came across the part I've copied and put below, the line just stops. Apart from that, another wonderful chapter. Well done, Debby. :)) Sandra xxx
...feet and ankles, tripping him oft...?
Jack pulled Cody on, determined to keep him moving a
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2020
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Another, exciting, tense read. When you have to take so much care, minutes seem to hours. I hope they get there. The fact Jack keeps going in the wrong direction doesn't help. I came across the part I've copied and put below, the line just stops. Apart from that, another wonderful chapter. Well done, Debby. :)) Sandra xxx
...feet and ankles, tripping him oft...?
Jack pulled Cody on, determined to keep him moving a
Comment Written 19-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2020
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Hmm... Midnight writing again. lol
I'll go take a look. Thanks so much!
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from Edward Escobar
I think a little more descriptive drama could have elevated the intensity of this story further, especially when surrounded by this air of hostility and uncertainty. Although one could often clamminess of the environment such as being in the woods and not knowing what lays awaiting before and behind.
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2020
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I think a little more descriptive drama could have elevated the intensity of this story further, especially when surrounded by this air of hostility and uncertainty. Although one could often clamminess of the environment such as being in the woods and not knowing what lays awaiting before and behind.
Comment Written 19-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 19-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Edward! I've been told to cut some descriptions out in the past, so I tried not putting so many in. lol.
I agree with YOU, but here's the thought at this point...
They've been having this amazing time, looking at the area, loving life. (And that's in vivid detail). Then this happens. All the sudden, none of that matters to them. I was hoping to convey that. But, as a reader, does it not? If it feels sparse, I need to do some detailing.
I'd appreciate your input. :)
Blessings,
Deb
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I want to strongly believe that criticism is nothing more than helping the writer fit the pieces to a story with much more refinement.
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I absolutely agree and relish 'harsh' reviews. :) Thanks again.
Deb
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I just recently signed up about a week ago and so I am like a child lost in a maze of all types of writing and I would prefer being the one receiving the criticism than giving one. I am quite happier that way
