Traffic
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "The Window"With their call stalled, Liz & Linda begin walking
11 total reviews
Comment from aryr
Great writing Liz, you provided great details of their (Liz and Linda) search for usable items to their potential rescue. I really enjoyed the descriptions you provided each step of the way, definitely an adventure and rescue.
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2020
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Great writing Liz, you provided great details of their (Liz and Linda) search for usable items to their potential rescue. I really enjoyed the descriptions you provided each step of the way, definitely an adventure and rescue.
Comment Written 11-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 11-Jul-2020
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It is nice to have you here to review. Thank you for your interest. I look forward to more of your reviews. I will give a **spoiler** there is barely a calm moment in this whole story.
Comment from lancellot
What you written is good, and the narration is fine. This may be a simple matter of style but I would suggest less telling us what is happening and more (some) character involvement
There was [a] second motion detection light located on
- I would add an 'a'
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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What you written is good, and the narration is fine. This may be a simple matter of style but I would suggest less telling us what is happening and more (some) character involvement
There was [a] second motion detection light located on
- I would add an 'a'
Comment Written 14-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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Thank you for your supportive review. I'm glad you like it.
Comment from January L'Angelle
Hey, I found you! I love your story. The way that these two women are getting across, moment by moment is breathtaking. I love the way that they got the cord off the mini-blinds. That was brilliant. I am so excited to see what happens next. I'm really enjoying your writing style. It does not go unnoticed that you write with a lot of alliterations. They are almost poetic.
Here: "She was pumped with the possibilities of her plausible plan working"
There are several others. Do you do this intentionally? Or, does it simply flow from you like that? Either way, I think it's awesome! May I add you as a fan? I always like to be polite and ask first. That way I'll be notified when your new work comes out. Thanks for this. Be well God bless. -January L.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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Hey, I found you! I love your story. The way that these two women are getting across, moment by moment is breathtaking. I love the way that they got the cord off the mini-blinds. That was brilliant. I am so excited to see what happens next. I'm really enjoying your writing style. It does not go unnoticed that you write with a lot of alliterations. They are almost poetic.
Here: "She was pumped with the possibilities of her plausible plan working"
There are several others. Do you do this intentionally? Or, does it simply flow from you like that? Either way, I think it's awesome! May I add you as a fan? I always like to be polite and ask first. That way I'll be notified when your new work comes out. Thanks for this. Be well God bless. -January L.
Comment Written 14-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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Some of my alliteration flows, I love wordplay. It's part of my personality. I also make some efforts on some. I love that you recognize and appreciate them. I woiuld be honored to have you as a fan. I also joined a poetry club. So every other new post may be a poem. The next one will not disappoint you. It is called Graffitti. Soon to be posted.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This is an adventure story with some mysticism and thrill as they have discovered a suspiciously guarded house at last they found a window curiously; well said, well done; enjoyed the read; thanks for sharing this; keep writing. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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This is an adventure story with some mysticism and thrill as they have discovered a suspiciously guarded house at last they found a window curiously; well said, well done; enjoyed the read; thanks for sharing this; keep writing. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 14-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2020
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Thank you for your supportive review. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I will give you a **spoiler** there is hardly a moment of calm in this story.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Oh my goodness, but this is much more than they had bargained for! :) I would suggest, perhaps, looking at the second portion (I've done a bit of it) and seeing if maybe you could write it more 'actively' than the 'passive voice' that seems to dominate there... :) It is actually harder to follow and does not engage the reader as easily or as readily... Thanx for sharing, Liz! ;) Yvette
its rewards, two milk crates. --> its rewards: two milk crates.
Nor was not a good --> Now was not a good
Edginess around by the long razor-edged blade was soothed as they leaned back. --> [this sentence is a bit unclear...?]
breaking, spurred Linda's --> breaking. This spurred Linda's
Linda, indicating an especially frazzled part with just a few threads still intact, Liz began meticulously, feverishly sawing at it. --> Linda, indicating an especially frazzled part with just a few threads still intact, began feverishly sawing at it. [besides the extra name, the double adverb was a bit awkward....]
Gashes were prevented by wrapping her left hand in her signature accouterment, a headband bandana. --> she prevented injury to her left hand by wrapping it in her signature accoutrements: a headband bandana.
on the other, similarly --> on the other which was similarly
journey their heads wagged back and forth, followed --> journey, their heads wagged back and forth. The actions were followed
They jadedly shrugged, coiling the length of cord, jamming --> They shrugged jadedly as they coiled the length of cord and jammed
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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Oh my goodness, but this is much more than they had bargained for! :) I would suggest, perhaps, looking at the second portion (I've done a bit of it) and seeing if maybe you could write it more 'actively' than the 'passive voice' that seems to dominate there... :) It is actually harder to follow and does not engage the reader as easily or as readily... Thanx for sharing, Liz! ;) Yvette
its rewards, two milk crates. --> its rewards: two milk crates.
Nor was not a good --> Now was not a good
Edginess around by the long razor-edged blade was soothed as they leaned back. --> [this sentence is a bit unclear...?]
breaking, spurred Linda's --> breaking. This spurred Linda's
Linda, indicating an especially frazzled part with just a few threads still intact, Liz began meticulously, feverishly sawing at it. --> Linda, indicating an especially frazzled part with just a few threads still intact, began feverishly sawing at it. [besides the extra name, the double adverb was a bit awkward....]
Gashes were prevented by wrapping her left hand in her signature accouterment, a headband bandana. --> she prevented injury to her left hand by wrapping it in her signature accoutrements: a headband bandana.
on the other, similarly --> on the other which was similarly
journey their heads wagged back and forth, followed --> journey, their heads wagged back and forth. The actions were followed
They jadedly shrugged, coiling the length of cord, jamming --> They shrugged jadedly as they coiled the length of cord and jammed
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2020
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I'm over correcting now. I had no passive sentences & now I have mostly passive sentences. I need to work on balance. I will be ware of that...thank you. It's like the comma situation. I was always told I used too many commas & now I don't use enough. Thank you for such a constructive review. The thing that helps the most, unlike some, is you give the more acceptable sentence. You are very generous with your time, interest and care.
Comment from Mistydawn
I do hope their plan works and they're able to help whoever is inside. Your chapter is very well-written, interesting, believable start to finish. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. I look forward to reading more. I wish I had a six to give but I'm all out.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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I do hope their plan works and they're able to help whoever is inside. Your chapter is very well-written, interesting, believable start to finish. I was on the edge of my seat the entire time. I look forward to reading more. I wish I had a six to give but I'm all out.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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Just hearing you'd give me a 6 is enough for me. Thank you for your supportive enthusiastic review. I was invited to join a poetry club so everyother may be a poem. The next one is unusual.
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Wow, walking on top of the danger, I guess curiosity is stronger than caution. I really like this stanza: "The stories those blinds could tell. With no desire to take their imaginations on that journey their heads wagged back and forth, followed by noticeable shudders. They were ready for the next step or better said, crawl.
" Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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Wow, walking on top of the danger, I guess curiosity is stronger than caution. I really like this stanza: "The stories those blinds could tell. With no desire to take their imaginations on that journey their heads wagged back and forth, followed by noticeable shudders. They were ready for the next step or better said, crawl.
" Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
Comment Written 12-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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Thank you for your supportive enthusiastic review. I was invited to join the poetry club so everyother may be a poem. The next one is unusual.
Comment from oliver818
This is a good chapter. I have to say I haven't read the others but I enjoyed this part and your characters are interesting and fun. Thanks for sharing this and have yourself a really great day
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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This is a good chapter. I have to say I haven't read the others but I enjoyed this part and your characters are interesting and fun. Thanks for sharing this and have yourself a really great day
Comment Written 12-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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You haven't missed much. The other was about them seeing the house and slowly getting to the back corner of the house. Thank you for your supportive enthusiastic review.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a great and intriguing story. I can hardly wait till the next posting. You are doing a good job!
One typo:
"One (once) done, Linda worked on the other,"
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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This is a great and intriguing story. I can hardly wait till the next posting. You are doing a good job!
One typo:
"One (once) done, Linda worked on the other,"
Comment Written 12-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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Thank yoiu for your enthusiastic review. I also belong to a poetry club. So the next one will be a very unusual poem. Then the next eisode of Traffic.
You are good for my ego.
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Yea!
Comment from Mary Furlong
Quite an adventure story. You are good at keeping the reader in suspense. Does the Crow Indian Nation figure in the story?
A few corrections:
Your first sentence begins with a dangling phrase
You have quite a few passive phrases -- edginess was soothed; caution was sharpened; gashes were prevented. Your story would be even more exciting with active sentence structures.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2020
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Quite an adventure story. You are good at keeping the reader in suspense. Does the Crow Indian Nation figure in the story?
A few corrections:
Your first sentence begins with a dangling phrase
You have quite a few passive phrases -- edginess was soothed; caution was sharpened; gashes were prevented. Your story would be even more exciting with active sentence structures.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2020
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Yes the Crow Nation does figure in. I will give yoiu a **spoiler** ...there is barely moment of calm. Thank you for your constructive review.