The Beast In The Barn
It started out as a simple chase.11 total reviews
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This is excellent. And I thought my experience of searching for my dog (stage name-Sweet Puppy) was hairraising. It was winter and she hadn't come home. I had idea where she could be. She didn't come when I whistled for her. Even if she is on the trail of a chipmunk she'd come when I called her. I went in the direction she usually walked. When I got near the neighbor's barn, I saw her footprints end at the overhead door, with enough room for her to slide under. I went around to the side door. There she was trapped under some boards, doors, & other stuff. I fortunately, was able to get her out before the neighbors came home to find me in their barn. Now, that was stressful, but your experience out ranks mine. Well written. I have to give you A+
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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This is excellent. And I thought my experience of searching for my dog (stage name-Sweet Puppy) was hairraising. It was winter and she hadn't come home. I had idea where she could be. She didn't come when I whistled for her. Even if she is on the trail of a chipmunk she'd come when I called her. I went in the direction she usually walked. When I got near the neighbor's barn, I saw her footprints end at the overhead door, with enough room for her to slide under. I went around to the side door. There she was trapped under some boards, doors, & other stuff. I fortunately, was able to get her out before the neighbors came home to find me in their barn. Now, that was stressful, but your experience out ranks mine. Well written. I have to give you A+
Comment Written 12-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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I had such a headache when I started writing this and I couldn't get my original idea to come together. My husband and I were talking on the phone and he said "Honey, just write about something you know about - the story will work itself out." And I know nothing, if I don't know dogs. So there it is. The horror ending I had to come up with on my own, of course. But by the time I got there, the story was pretty much writing itself. I was just surfing the keyboard in its wake. Thank you for your generous rating and kind words. Glad you got your pooch back unharmed.
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I find if I try too hard at what I think I'm supposed to be writing it doesn't come. But then if I just let it go, I'm led in a different direction. You have a wise husband. lol
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Wise husband! Well, sometimes - lol!
Comment from DeboraDyess
Damn. I really wanted to win this one. :) YOu got it in the bag, girl!
Some thoughts, if I may...
The first sentence should be its own paragraph. since the dog isn't the one speaking, it's not in the same paragraph as the dog's actions. :) Or is it the dog ... hmm ... gotta wonder with Gus.
I THINK you changed tenses here. You have 'confined ' and 'follow'. Not sure...:
Gus generally confined himself to our neighborhood, but then I generally just follow him
There are a couple of places where you have you speaking and someone else's action, as in the first paragraph. The man stepping out, if I understand it right, is his own paragraph, too, even though the 'camera' comes right back to your answer. I think that's what Robyn meant...
a piece of wood stuck up like some medieval spear on a littered battlefield. >> EXCELLENT LINE!
Like the spear and spider mentions. Builds tension slowly and almost unnoticeably
You have 'trouble' and 'troublesome' in the same sentence. You're a better writer than that! Find a synonym!
You have 'trouble' and 'troublesome' in the same sentence. TOo much. You're a better writer than that! Find a synonym!!
Gus and I should be Gus and me. If Gus wasn't there, it would say, 'closer to me.' So that makes it 'Gus and me.' That's the only way I ever know which one to use. ï??
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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Damn. I really wanted to win this one. :) YOu got it in the bag, girl!
Some thoughts, if I may...
The first sentence should be its own paragraph. since the dog isn't the one speaking, it's not in the same paragraph as the dog's actions. :) Or is it the dog ... hmm ... gotta wonder with Gus.
I THINK you changed tenses here. You have 'confined ' and 'follow'. Not sure...:
Gus generally confined himself to our neighborhood, but then I generally just follow him
There are a couple of places where you have you speaking and someone else's action, as in the first paragraph. The man stepping out, if I understand it right, is his own paragraph, too, even though the 'camera' comes right back to your answer. I think that's what Robyn meant...
a piece of wood stuck up like some medieval spear on a littered battlefield. >> EXCELLENT LINE!
Like the spear and spider mentions. Builds tension slowly and almost unnoticeably
You have 'trouble' and 'troublesome' in the same sentence. You're a better writer than that! Find a synonym!
You have 'trouble' and 'troublesome' in the same sentence. TOo much. You're a better writer than that! Find a synonym!!
Gus and I should be Gus and me. If Gus wasn't there, it would say, 'closer to me.' So that makes it 'Gus and me.' That's the only way I ever know which one to use. ï??
Comment Written 11-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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I knew, reading over this, that I had a couple of spots where I'd changed tenses - just didn't have time to proof it and do corrections before the contest ended. So, for now, it is what it is. I'll go through after judging is over and tighten everything up, tweak it here and there and then see if I can find an anthology for it. Or maybe you would consider it one of my contributions to the little book of horrors we are talking about throwing together in the fall... Thanks for the six, btw!
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a perfect entry for The Thing contest. It strikes fear into the hearts of any breathing human. It is death personified. Great entry. Good luck!
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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This is a perfect entry for The Thing contest. It strikes fear into the hearts of any breathing human. It is death personified. Great entry. Good luck!
Comment Written 11-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment on my contest entry.
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You're very welcome.
Comment from Elaine Chiodi
Excellent writing, intriguing storyline, fascinating imagination. All that's necessary for an exquisite thriller. And, to add to the thrill of this chase, it's storming here - rain and thunder, oh my! ...ec
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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Excellent writing, intriguing storyline, fascinating imagination. All that's necessary for an exquisite thriller. And, to add to the thrill of this chase, it's storming here - rain and thunder, oh my! ...ec
Comment Written 11-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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Oh my, indeed! I absolutely love reading horror during a thunderstorm. I appreciate your taking the time to read and comment on my story and, of course, the six stars!
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you're welcome... ...ec
Comment from country ranch writer
Good story had me anxious to find if they survived ok. Maybe the doh
G learned his lesson an stays in his own yard,,,,,ð??¿ð??¿ð???ð???ð???ð???ð???ð???ð???ð???
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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Good story had me anxious to find if they survived ok. Maybe the doh
G learned his lesson an stays in his own yard,,,,,ð??¿ð??¿ð???ð???ð???ð???ð???ð???ð???ð???
Comment Written 11-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2020
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Well, the dog survived - LOL! Kind of doubt that the narrator found a way out of the beast's clutches though. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and review my little piece. And thank you for your generous rating, as well.
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Must have unless his ghost wrote it hehe
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Must have unless his ghost wrote it hehe
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Must have unless his ghost wrote it hehe
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I enjoyed your premise here and for the whole, the voice in the piece is good and solid, drawing the reader in. I think some of the mechanics, especially in the description of the dark and how this affects the plausibility of some of the other descriptors. I've mentioned it more specifically later on. I think it needs a bit of tweaking.
I made some notes as I read through-
pull up along side him, - alongside could be a single word here.
The houses sat further apart- it may be going out of fashion but generally farther is applied to physical distance.
"Lost dog," I explained, "About this big, black and fluffy, kind of Husky-looking mutt." - technically the dialogue after the tag should start lower case. Neither the previous dialogue nor tag is closed off.
about half way down the block, - halfway could be a single word here.
and took off across the lawn. / took off in pursuit...
troublesome companion to see what trouble
In regard to the two examples above, try to avoid these minor phrase repetitions. There are a few other spots like this scattered about.
. "Why can't the roof have blown off of THIS one?" I thought? delete the ? from after the tag. You have two for same thought. Also, you don't really need the marks around the thought as you're using a tag. If you are going to use them, though, it may be better to use the single marks to differentiate from dialogue.
What little light there was did nothing to penetrate the interior of the barn. "Why can't the roof have blown off of THIS one?" I thought? There wouldn't be much light, but anything was better than the grey-black shadows I found myself peering into.- this passage doesn't really work. If there's no light (which there wouldn't be if it couldn't penetrate the interior), then there can't be shadows. She'd be peering into darkness.
maybe I could do it before the hulking shadow I could now see in the darker reaches of the cellar could make its way to where we were.- the lack of light thing makes this improbable at best.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2020
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Hi there,
I enjoyed your premise here and for the whole, the voice in the piece is good and solid, drawing the reader in. I think some of the mechanics, especially in the description of the dark and how this affects the plausibility of some of the other descriptors. I've mentioned it more specifically later on. I think it needs a bit of tweaking.
I made some notes as I read through-
pull up along side him, - alongside could be a single word here.
The houses sat further apart- it may be going out of fashion but generally farther is applied to physical distance.
"Lost dog," I explained, "About this big, black and fluffy, kind of Husky-looking mutt." - technically the dialogue after the tag should start lower case. Neither the previous dialogue nor tag is closed off.
about half way down the block, - halfway could be a single word here.
and took off across the lawn. / took off in pursuit...
troublesome companion to see what trouble
In regard to the two examples above, try to avoid these minor phrase repetitions. There are a few other spots like this scattered about.
. "Why can't the roof have blown off of THIS one?" I thought? delete the ? from after the tag. You have two for same thought. Also, you don't really need the marks around the thought as you're using a tag. If you are going to use them, though, it may be better to use the single marks to differentiate from dialogue.
What little light there was did nothing to penetrate the interior of the barn. "Why can't the roof have blown off of THIS one?" I thought? There wouldn't be much light, but anything was better than the grey-black shadows I found myself peering into.- this passage doesn't really work. If there's no light (which there wouldn't be if it couldn't penetrate the interior), then there can't be shadows. She'd be peering into darkness.
maybe I could do it before the hulking shadow I could now see in the darker reaches of the cellar could make its way to where we were.- the lack of light thing makes this improbable at best.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2020
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Hey GMG - First, thank you so much for taking the time to read and then write the detailed review of my work. I appreciate it more than you can possibly know. Though many here that live for the stars (and I admit, I like them, too), I actually do want to improve my writing. So reviews like this are priceless to me. I have got some other obligations today, but I will go through the story tomorrow or the next day and try to correct the errors and tighten up the story line a bit. Again - thank you so much for the catches and the great review!
have a great day - sherry
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It's a pleasure. I like reviewing. I had tonnes of help when I first joined the site, too. All the best
G
Comment from Patty Palmer
The story is well written. Your words are so descriptive, I felt more like I was watching it rather than reading it. Great job! Good luck with the contest! And put Gus on a leash, will you please?
Patty
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2020
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The story is well written. Your words are so descriptive, I felt more like I was watching it rather than reading it. Great job! Good luck with the contest! And put Gus on a leash, will you please?
Patty
Comment Written 11-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2020
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Thanks, Patty, for taking the time to read and comment on my story. And, unfortunately, Gus is forced to spend most of his time either indoors or on a lead due to his desire to go walk-about. I have never had a dog that I just could not keep in a fence... and Bill & I have either fostered or had as companion animals over 150 dogs since 2001. But this dog... LOL!
Comment from Roberta Lawrinsky
Hi---
You really should train your dog better.
Do you really have a dog?
Good build-up of suspense here & believable about gun owners out in the countryside & how you have to stay there to save your dog even though a creepy creature threatens & comes closer, ever closer.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2020
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Hi---
You really should train your dog better.
Do you really have a dog?
Good build-up of suspense here & believable about gun owners out in the countryside & how you have to stay there to save your dog even though a creepy creature threatens & comes closer, ever closer.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2020
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Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment on my little story. And yep - we currently have several dogs and have owned and/or fostered about 150 since 2001. And some are better trained than others. Even Gus knows what he's SUPPOSED to do - he just doesn't always do it. He truly does feel the need to go walk-about occasionally and harass the neighbors' cats. And there is not a fence made that can keep this little husky/german shepherd mutt in the yard. If he is not in the house or on a lead and we turn our back for just a couple of minutes, we hear the other dogs barking and realize he's escaped, AGAIN. He's a pain in the backside, to say the least. Pretty much everything in this story (the chases, the cats, animal control officer's reactions, etc) is true except the monster. Again - thanks for the read and review.
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nice to meet you
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You as well! Hope we see more of each other. I used to be very active on FS about 10 yrs ago and then life interfered. Back now but many of my old friends are gone. Looking forward to meeting new ones. Have a great rest of the week!
Comment from Flyaway1
Excellent story
I enjoyed reading it. It was interesting to follow; it kept my attention. I was hooked , waiting to find out what the beast was.
I like the idea of creating a chase for the dog and your frustration. If you haven't been so frustrated with the dog, you probably would have been more aware of your surroundings.
I think your hyperfocus on your dog lead you astray.
I was starting to wonder if there was even a beast. Then the cat ran out, I thought perhaps you were just going to scold your dog and say what a beast you are.
So I was still a little bit surprised, when the beast hooked you with his tentacle and pulled you in the hole.
Great Last sentence and completely eerie. I actually felt uneasy as I finished the story.
Great job!
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2020
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Excellent story
I enjoyed reading it. It was interesting to follow; it kept my attention. I was hooked , waiting to find out what the beast was.
I like the idea of creating a chase for the dog and your frustration. If you haven't been so frustrated with the dog, you probably would have been more aware of your surroundings.
I think your hyperfocus on your dog lead you astray.
I was starting to wonder if there was even a beast. Then the cat ran out, I thought perhaps you were just going to scold your dog and say what a beast you are.
So I was still a little bit surprised, when the beast hooked you with his tentacle and pulled you in the hole.
Great Last sentence and completely eerie. I actually felt uneasy as I finished the story.
Great job!
Comment Written 11-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2020
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That's the goal - to leave the reader with just a bit of a chill. Glad I was able to accomplish that tonight. And thank you so much for your generous review and, of course, that 6th star.
Comment from Katherine M. (k-11)
This is an excellent horror story that drags us further and further into the heart of things. The surprise at the end was well-hidden behind Gus's escape. I guess readers always believe the worst won't happen.
troublesome companion to see what trouble > look out for such duplicates and use synonyms instead
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2020
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This is an excellent horror story that drags us further and further into the heart of things. The surprise at the end was well-hidden behind Gus's escape. I guess readers always believe the worst won't happen.
troublesome companion to see what trouble > look out for such duplicates and use synonyms instead
Comment Written 11-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2020
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Uh oh! Thanks for the catch - I'll go back in and change that after the contest is over. The chase is a scenario that is repeated at our house whenever we let our guard down. The crazy dog just feels forced to do a walk-about once in awhile. And there has yet to be a fence that can keep the mutt enclosed - LOL!. Glad I was able to get you with the zinger at the end. Have a great night and thanks for the great review.
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Yes I feel for you. We used to live in a village of 2000 people, and our German Shephard thought the whole village belonged to him. The worst was when he went into church during services - and sat in the aisle, howling (so embarrassing)
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LMAO! That is TOO funny! GSD's are wonderful. Bill & I have been involved in GSD rescue since 2001 and many of our past fosters/companions were either GSDs or GSD mixes.