Looking for Orion - 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "The Best Laid Plans: part 2"Brothers fight for faith ... and for their lives.
11 total reviews
Comment from Pearl Edwards
I enjoyed this chapter,Deb, the to and fro of the brother's conversation was just as you'd expect brothers to be, lots of emotion but trying not to show it.Good ending with the threat of mum - have me hold you down so she could kick your butt.
cheers,
valda
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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I enjoyed this chapter,Deb, the to and fro of the brother's conversation was just as you'd expect brothers to be, lots of emotion but trying not to show it.Good ending with the threat of mum - have me hold you down so she could kick your butt.
cheers,
valda
Comment Written 06-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Thank again, my FS friend!
Deb
Comment from Precious Owuamalam
As usual, well-written and lovely. Always keeping the reader in awe of what's to come next. Great job! I chuckled at the "precious" emphasis. Who wouldn't want to see his name mentioned twice in a beautiful story. LOL!
Didn't follow this part: "Still don't want to go." Is it supposed to be a question?
In the beginning part of your story, you may want to change to "convince" in "cnvince Cody."
My very best wishes, always!
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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As usual, well-written and lovely. Always keeping the reader in awe of what's to come next. Great job! I chuckled at the "precious" emphasis. Who wouldn't want to see his name mentioned twice in a beautiful story. LOL!
Didn't follow this part: "Still don't want to go." Is it supposed to be a question?
In the beginning part of your story, you may want to change to "convince" in "cnvince Cody."
My very best wishes, always!
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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LOL! Didn't even think of that. So cool! :)(Not going to hear 'Debby' twice, am I ? Silly name!)
Appreciate you, as always. :)
Deb
Comment from robyn corum
Deb,
A continuation of the previous chapter, I see. I want you to be careful about where you spend your time. Just as a note - and take it for what it's worth -- but you've spent quite a while in this office with these two brothers having this discussion.
I understand that part of it is you trying to describe these two individuals and share something about both of them and their background through this convo - but you've been here a while. Remember that every scene, every bit of dialogue, every word you inject into your storyline should MOVE THE PLOT FORWARD in some way. It should reveal something new about the characters or work toward helping readers understand more about the plot. You're doing that, sure, but it's taking you a while to do it. (Sorry!) And some of this info could be delivered in a different way, more spread out. And not just as an 'information dump' which this is beginning to seem like. Be careful. Be aware of what you're doing and why - to make sure you accomplish your objectives in the best way. Make sense?
More:
1.) the incredible beauty Cody saw until (each) picture had been developed.
--> multiple pix
2.) accidentally knocking one of three framed pictures off of the desk.
--> delete 'of'
3.) Like their dad, they couldn't give anything as 'just' anything.
--> a little strange the way it reads
--> Like their dad, they were incapable of giving average, normal gifts.
4.) "Picture of me...shaving?" Jack raised his eyebrows
--> when an ellipsis occurs in the middle of a sentence - leave a space on either side, please:
--> "Picture of me ... shaving?" Jack raised his eyebrows
--> I see that you're doing this, later - must have just missed this one
5.) Having two amateur shutterbugs in the family (e)nsured they had pictures of everything
--> 'ensure' vs 'insure' --To ensure something is to make sure it happens--to guarantee it. To insure something or someone is to cover it with an insurance policy.
6.) "Isn't she the heavy(-)set blonde (who) didn't age very well
--> when speaking of humans, you normally use 'who' - especially in narrative. When it's in dialogue you can get away with it, because people never tawk rite. *smile* I thought I'd mention it jic.
7.) "Yeah(.)" Jack stretched out again, running his hand over his moustache
--> not a speech tag so a period is needed
--> 'out' is not needed
--> this reads a little weird. You say he's stretching, but his hands go to his face... not a very far 'stretch'
8.) Jack picked a pen up off the desk and pitched it at Cody, who caught it and stuck it behind his ear.
--> 'up' is not needed - you'll find that a lot of the time, these extra 'directional' words can be eliminated - see notes above
9.) He stood almost two inches taller than Cody, broader and more muscular. He was a big man; 6'4" and 235 pounds, broad(-)shouldered and muscular.
--> repeating the words 'broad' and 'muscular' - did you mean to?
--> Jack is not *standing* so this reads a bit weird at first. Maybe switch the first two lines?
--> BUT would Jack actually be thinking this stuff about himself in this way? Especially the bit about the eyes?
This was an intriguing chapter, Deb, but I don't think it's the best you can do - and have done. I hope you won't be offended by my blunt remarks. I only mean to help --
Thanks~
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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Deb,
A continuation of the previous chapter, I see. I want you to be careful about where you spend your time. Just as a note - and take it for what it's worth -- but you've spent quite a while in this office with these two brothers having this discussion.
I understand that part of it is you trying to describe these two individuals and share something about both of them and their background through this convo - but you've been here a while. Remember that every scene, every bit of dialogue, every word you inject into your storyline should MOVE THE PLOT FORWARD in some way. It should reveal something new about the characters or work toward helping readers understand more about the plot. You're doing that, sure, but it's taking you a while to do it. (Sorry!) And some of this info could be delivered in a different way, more spread out. And not just as an 'information dump' which this is beginning to seem like. Be careful. Be aware of what you're doing and why - to make sure you accomplish your objectives in the best way. Make sense?
More:
1.) the incredible beauty Cody saw until (each) picture had been developed.
--> multiple pix
2.) accidentally knocking one of three framed pictures off of the desk.
--> delete 'of'
3.) Like their dad, they couldn't give anything as 'just' anything.
--> a little strange the way it reads
--> Like their dad, they were incapable of giving average, normal gifts.
4.) "Picture of me...shaving?" Jack raised his eyebrows
--> when an ellipsis occurs in the middle of a sentence - leave a space on either side, please:
--> "Picture of me ... shaving?" Jack raised his eyebrows
--> I see that you're doing this, later - must have just missed this one
5.) Having two amateur shutterbugs in the family (e)nsured they had pictures of everything
--> 'ensure' vs 'insure' --To ensure something is to make sure it happens--to guarantee it. To insure something or someone is to cover it with an insurance policy.
6.) "Isn't she the heavy(-)set blonde (who) didn't age very well
--> when speaking of humans, you normally use 'who' - especially in narrative. When it's in dialogue you can get away with it, because people never tawk rite. *smile* I thought I'd mention it jic.
7.) "Yeah(.)" Jack stretched out again, running his hand over his moustache
--> not a speech tag so a period is needed
--> 'out' is not needed
--> this reads a little weird. You say he's stretching, but his hands go to his face... not a very far 'stretch'
8.) Jack picked a pen up off the desk and pitched it at Cody, who caught it and stuck it behind his ear.
--> 'up' is not needed - you'll find that a lot of the time, these extra 'directional' words can be eliminated - see notes above
9.) He stood almost two inches taller than Cody, broader and more muscular. He was a big man; 6'4" and 235 pounds, broad(-)shouldered and muscular.
--> repeating the words 'broad' and 'muscular' - did you mean to?
--> Jack is not *standing* so this reads a bit weird at first. Maybe switch the first two lines?
--> BUT would Jack actually be thinking this stuff about himself in this way? Especially the bit about the eyes?
This was an intriguing chapter, Deb, but I don't think it's the best you can do - and have done. I hope you won't be offended by my blunt remarks. I only mean to help --
Thanks~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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THank you. I"ve been thinking this felt too long and cumbersome and I think I just needed someone I trust to say 'yep -- cut that baby back." I'm putting it on the surgical table this morning. :)
I'm actually surprised you gave it a 4 ? but I do appreciate it.
I was whining to my older sister (also a writer, but far better than I) about how hard it is for me to catch errors because of my sight-impairment. Her response? "Yeah ? blah, blah, blah." Her rather crass way of telling me to get it right or give it up. lol
You know, I need to just make her do the first edit! (In all her spare time ?)
Have a great Thursday, Robyn. Blessings,
Deb
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hahaha Sounds like she's a great encourager. haha At least she'll listen - my fam won't even do that~ haha
Did you think you deserved less than the four? *smile* Or didn't think you deserved the four? I'm sorry if it seems harsh - but I really don't play favorites. I hope you understand.
Comment from sherrygreywolf
Great read except for a typo. I'll trust you to get it corrected ...
with Jack trying to cnvince (convince) Cody to take a vacation.
And I thought at first that the Babs Bunny was a mistake and had to look it up. Wow - there really IS a Babs Bunny. I never knew the little wench had a name - LOL!
Good job.
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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Great read except for a typo. I'll trust you to get it corrected ...
with Jack trying to cnvince (convince) Cody to take a vacation.
And I thought at first that the Babs Bunny was a mistake and had to look it up. Wow - there really IS a Babs Bunny. I never knew the little wench had a name - LOL!
Good job.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 04-Jun-2020
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Thank you, ma'am!
D
Comment from royowen
So, it's two years later, and I'm not sure what Cody's doing for an income, he's resigned his cop job, and Jack is still trying coax his little brother to go on a camping trip, but Cody is still shouldering his cares. Good dialogue going on here, unfolding the close relationship between the brothers, and a good mum who looks after the kids. Beautifully written Deborah, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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So, it's two years later, and I'm not sure what Cody's doing for an income, he's resigned his cop job, and Jack is still trying coax his little brother to go on a camping trip, but Cody is still shouldering his cares. Good dialogue going on here, unfolding the close relationship between the brothers, and a good mum who looks after the kids. Beautifully written Deborah, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 03-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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Thank you for reviewing, Roy. Yep, a good mom does her job forever ? until 'forever' comes. :) And a good dad, too.
Thanks again,
Be blessed,
Deb
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Yep, you?re absolutely correct Debora. Your CD and song sheets are almost ready, dug up resurrected old files, perhaps I?ll get off the CD later today,
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Thank you! I'll be happy to pay for shipping. Do you have a PayPal or Venmo account? I have both (son moved to Alabama to follow his Olympic dreams, so we help A LOT. lol)
let me know,
Deb
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Consider it my gift, Debora,
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Thank you, sir. I appreciate it.
Debby
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I can understand both brothers' points of view. Cody doesn't want to start 'living' again in that sense of the word, to enjoy himself would feel like being disloyal to his late wife. Jack, on the other hand, wants to get him out of that, to let him know it's alright to smile and do nice things other than work hard. But, I have to say, Jack will continue to have an up-hill struggle for a while longer yet. Another excellent chapter, Debby. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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I can understand both brothers' points of view. Cody doesn't want to start 'living' again in that sense of the word, to enjoy himself would feel like being disloyal to his late wife. Jack, on the other hand, wants to get him out of that, to let him know it's alright to smile and do nice things other than work hard. But, I have to say, Jack will continue to have an up-hill struggle for a while longer yet. Another excellent chapter, Debby. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 03-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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You're right; it does get harder. But, if it didn't, where would the story be? :)
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
I think these are wonderful writings, a great story. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
Noticed two typos:
"The story picks up two years later, with Jack trying to cnvince (convince) Cody to take a vacation."
"Another weird stopping point, I know, but whatcha gonna do? Thiese (these) are long chapters,"
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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I think these are wonderful writings, a great story. I'm looking forward to the next chapter!
Noticed two typos:
"The story picks up two years later, with Jack trying to cnvince (convince) Cody to take a vacation."
"Another weird stopping point, I know, but whatcha gonna do? Thiese (these) are long chapters,"
Comment Written 03-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Rebecca! I don't now why my fingers refuse to spell words correctly! lol. Appreciate your catches. I'll go fix them now. :)
Be blessed,
Deb
Comment from Margaret Bednar
I LOVE how you describe the office - you bring us into the room with them. I enjoy the good-humored banter and found I didn't want to stop reading. I noticed this had beginning quotes but no ending quotation marks: " some wonderful secret Just excellent and I can't wait for the next installment.
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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I LOVE how you describe the office - you bring us into the room with them. I enjoy the good-humored banter and found I didn't want to stop reading. I noticed this had beginning quotes but no ending quotation marks: " some wonderful secret Just excellent and I can't wait for the next installment.
Comment Written 03-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Margaret. I'm so honored that you found this exceptional. I so appreciate your comments. I've been worried the introduction to the family and situaiotn is too long and you've set my mind at ease. :)
I so appreciate you!
Blessings,
Deb
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It is a novel... I'm sure it is a good idea to break the chapters up here on Fan Story, though.
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Gracious, Margaret! Thank you so much for the exceptional rating. I admire your work so often ? This means a ton. :)
Many thianks for continuing to encourage and assist,
Deb
Comment from lyenochka
Glad you are dividing up the chapter because these are pretty long as it is. I like the descriptions and both brothers are very likable. I guess I wish for more action as there is a lot of reflection and memories here.
"LIke their dad, they" (Like)
"Cody"" (I think you want another punctuation before the end quote)
in the newspaper; (no need for a semicolon, a comma at most. Semicolons are either for long lists or to separate two complete sentences.)
HIs expression softened (His)
give them up. . His (extra period?)
hint of something " some wonderful (delete quotes)
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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Glad you are dividing up the chapter because these are pretty long as it is. I like the descriptions and both brothers are very likable. I guess I wish for more action as there is a lot of reflection and memories here.
"LIke their dad, they" (Like)
"Cody"" (I think you want another punctuation before the end quote)
in the newspaper; (no need for a semicolon, a comma at most. Semicolons are either for long lists or to separate two complete sentences.)
HIs expression softened (His)
give them up. . His (extra period?)
hint of something " some wonderful (delete quotes)
Comment Written 03-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Helen. You're so good at catching errors ? and yet, you never make a one! :)
Appreciate the review, the feedback and the good eye.
Blessings,
Deb
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I make plenty of my own and you have found some of them! So thank you! ♥
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Sometimes you bury your grief in work and the real-life outside work becomes a faded memory. Jack as a good brother, is trying to push the brakes in his brother life style. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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Sometimes you bury your grief in work and the real-life outside work becomes a faded memory. Jack as a good brother, is trying to push the brakes in his brother life style. Thank you for sharing and good luck with the next chapter.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Ia! I think we were reviewing one another's work at the same time. ol. Love it when that happens. :)
Thank you for reading and reviewing.
Deb
