The Approaching Storm
A middle-aged woman prepares for an approaching storm.15 total reviews
Comment from Irish Rain
I can't believe this didn't win.
You have told the story of our country here.
I recently bought a 38 special, which I didn't/don't
want, but it's easy for me to fire. We have other guns, but I wanted something fast, light, no safety.
God pray I never have to use it. Because I will.
I hurt in my heart for the hatred that is building.
I LOVE your story!!
My husband would LOVE that house!! Me too.
God bless and keep you safe, from the virus too. (the other one)
This is awesome!
Blessings...
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2020
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I can't believe this didn't win.
You have told the story of our country here.
I recently bought a 38 special, which I didn't/don't
want, but it's easy for me to fire. We have other guns, but I wanted something fast, light, no safety.
God pray I never have to use it. Because I will.
I hurt in my heart for the hatred that is building.
I LOVE your story!!
My husband would LOVE that house!! Me too.
God bless and keep you safe, from the virus too. (the other one)
This is awesome!
Blessings...
Comment Written 02-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2020
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Thank you for taking the time to visit my portfolio and read this. I often find myself in the minority here in some of my viewpoints - especially since I tent to love to write horror and other darker tales. But when I read you poem, I figured you would appreciate the thought process behind this one. Thank you also for the 6 stars. And you & your husband stay safe and healthy, as well. Scary, trying times we are living in.
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God bless you, and have a safe, happy 4th! Loved your story. Wish I had written it!
Comment from Aaron Milavec
Dear Storm Blaster,
You have a knack for opening the story and for creating some foreboding of doom. Then "The rage of the mob" paragraph appears out of nowhere. No clues of what was coming.
This doesn't work well. There needs to be clues that this is not just an ordinary story. Maybe a recollection of how your grandpa fought off a band of marauders during the Civil War. In any case, it just doesn't work. I'm sympathetic to both storms, but you fail to integrate them in any way. . . .
Wish I had better news,
Aaron
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Dear Storm Blaster,
You have a knack for opening the story and for creating some foreboding of doom. Then "The rage of the mob" paragraph appears out of nowhere. No clues of what was coming.
This doesn't work well. There needs to be clues that this is not just an ordinary story. Maybe a recollection of how your grandpa fought off a band of marauders during the Civil War. In any case, it just doesn't work. I'm sympathetic to both storms, but you fail to integrate them in any way. . . .
Wish I had better news,
Aaron
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Aaron - thank you for taking the time to read and review my story. I rewrote this several times (a couple of them trying to give some foreshadowing without giving the twist away) and just couldn't get it to work without lessening the impact at the end of the story. I may try again at a later date. Again - thank you so much for your review. Stay safe in these challenging times we are currently living through.
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Sometimes putting it aside allows your subconscious to work through the impass you now feel.
My best wishes,
Aaron
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Here hoping - thanks Aaron. And yes - I've had that happen. I dozed off the other night in my recliner and woke up with a poem almost complete except for some tweaking. Hope to get it up sometime next week. Have a nice rest of the weekend!
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Super!
Comment from Liz O'Neill
This is a good sign of foreshadowing " But I felt in my bones that this one was going to be different." The other foreshadowing was the fact the speaker was reminiscing through her mental & real photographs. There is a tone which causes the reader to begin missing those treasures and wonder what kind of storm it is. You have done a great job leading the reader in one direction and at the end, totally switching our focus. Well done. I am voting for this one. .
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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This is a good sign of foreshadowing " But I felt in my bones that this one was going to be different." The other foreshadowing was the fact the speaker was reminiscing through her mental & real photographs. There is a tone which causes the reader to begin missing those treasures and wonder what kind of storm it is. You have done a great job leading the reader in one direction and at the end, totally switching our focus. Well done. I am voting for this one. .
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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So glad you enjoyed my little tale, Liz. You caught things that others had missed. I love writing where there is a bit of a twist at the end. Stay safe and healthy... and thank you for the vote!
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written story you have penned for the Storm Approaches writing prompt. You used great descriptive words and lovely art work. I agree with your notes very much! Best wishes in the contest. Blessings, Teri
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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This is a very well written story you have penned for the Storm Approaches writing prompt. You used great descriptive words and lovely art work. I agree with your notes very much! Best wishes in the contest. Blessings, Teri
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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Thank you Teri for taking the time to read and review my story. And thank you for your kind words.
Comment from royowen
I like the way you've written this, it has an element of fatalism in it, and the ending in literalism, but you managed to keep the ambiguity within its structure which is very clever literary side stepping with that, very well done, you've done a great job with this, good luck, blessing Roy
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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I like the way you've written this, it has an element of fatalism in it, and the ending in literalism, but you managed to keep the ambiguity within its structure which is very clever literary side stepping with that, very well done, you've done a great job with this, good luck, blessing Roy
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2020
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Thank you for taking the time to read and review my story, Roy. Hope you are staying safe and healthy through the challenging times we find ourself living in.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a good entry for the Storm Approaches writing contest. Life is made up of ups and downs, and we must roll with the flow. Good luck!
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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This is a good entry for the Storm Approaches writing contest. Life is made up of ups and downs, and we must roll with the flow. Good luck!
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my work. Have a nice evening.
Comment from Tsukuyomi969
I don't agree with anything in this story, BUT it was well written, with a clear view point. There was a nice build of tension and emotion, leading to a logical conclusion for the protag, and I like that it took a metaphorical approach to the storm idea.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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I don't agree with anything in this story, BUT it was well written, with a clear view point. There was a nice build of tension and emotion, leading to a logical conclusion for the protag, and I like that it took a metaphorical approach to the storm idea.
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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It's ok - my daughter didn't agree with the protagonist's reactions either. And thank you for your honesty. Also thank you for reviewing without letting your personal views reflect there - not all can do that. I appreciate it.
Comment from Margaret Bednar
Whew! I have chills up and down my arms. What a surprising twist this. The storytelling, the descriptives, the ability to lead me along and not reveal the "real storm" shows real writing talent. I have NO cons. And a side note: Looting and rioting is not the same as our right to protest.
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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Whew! I have chills up and down my arms. What a surprising twist this. The storytelling, the descriptives, the ability to lead me along and not reveal the "real storm" shows real writing talent. I have NO cons. And a side note: Looting and rioting is not the same as our right to protest.
Comment Written 04-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Margaret for the wonderful review and, of course, that treasured sixth star. And so sorry! I thought I made that clear in next the end of the piece (the difference between right to protest and looting/rioting). I'll go back after contest is over and see if I can reword to clarify protagonist's thoughts on such. May happen, may not, since I rewrote that about 4 or 5 times trying to find a balance between clarity and not diluting the force of the last paragraph. But my daughter actually said the same thing when she read it so I may need to work on that. Again - thank you for taking the time to read my piece and write a review. Stay safe and healthy.
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, that was not the hurricane that I was expecting! I guess the "storm" was the metaphor for the political storm that was incited by the death of the innocent man that has taken on a violent force - some just looking and destroying because they enjoy the fury of violence.
Well done. I like how the calm farewells seemed like the calm before the storm. Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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Oh, that was not the hurricane that I was expecting! I guess the "storm" was the metaphor for the political storm that was incited by the death of the innocent man that has taken on a violent force - some just looking and destroying because they enjoy the fury of violence.
Well done. I like how the calm farewells seemed like the calm before the storm. Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 03-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review my work. Also the well wishes for the contest. And if you read some of my other pieces in the future, you will learn that I love to give people the unexpected or odd twist. Again - thanks for the review. Stay safe & healthy!
Comment from phill doran
Hello Anon
This is an interesting and timely take of the idea of the 'approaching storm'.
The idea of fire drawing fire is not one which I share, but this has not detracted from your writing, which is very comfortable and easy on the reader. I actually think if you 'neutralized' you emotions by removing the first sentence of the second to last paragraph (beginning I was dismayed by the needless death... and ending ...the officer's horrible act.) the overall impact of your narrator's position strengthens. Just a thought.
I wish you well with this topical and well-written piece.
cheers
phill
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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Hello Anon
This is an interesting and timely take of the idea of the 'approaching storm'.
The idea of fire drawing fire is not one which I share, but this has not detracted from your writing, which is very comfortable and easy on the reader. I actually think if you 'neutralized' you emotions by removing the first sentence of the second to last paragraph (beginning I was dismayed by the needless death... and ending ...the officer's horrible act.) the overall impact of your narrator's position strengthens. Just a thought.
I wish you well with this topical and well-written piece.
cheers
phill
Comment Written 03-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jun-2020
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Thanks for the excellent review, Phill. And I agree about deleting that sentence strengthening the narrator's position. However I didn't want people to think she was a horrible person either, since these are much my own feelings about this. I do not feel that I am a bad person but I would not hesitate to protect what is mine. Again, thank you for the read and your review. Stay safe & healthy!
