Looking for Orion - 2
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The Best Laid Plans: part 1"Brothers fight for faith ... and for their lives.
10 total reviews
Comment from Precious Owuamalam
Beautiful read! Yes, it was lengthy, but I didn't feel it at all because I was totally engrossed in the smooth flow of your story. Lovely. Some comments. This seems like a run-on sentence: "Now that the words had actually been spoken aloud they sounded as ridiculous in the quiet study as a Three Stooges routine would appear in the middle of church." You may want to review and break up (with commas or semi-colons where necessary).
In: "Kids have school Friday and Michael has a soccer game Saturday and I have a class to teach Sunday morning" I totally understand the point you make, but just to make it clearer to a vast audience, adding a "this" before "Friday" and "Saturday" would be helpful.
My very best wishes, now and always.
Cheers!
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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Beautiful read! Yes, it was lengthy, but I didn't feel it at all because I was totally engrossed in the smooth flow of your story. Lovely. Some comments. This seems like a run-on sentence: "Now that the words had actually been spoken aloud they sounded as ridiculous in the quiet study as a Three Stooges routine would appear in the middle of church." You may want to review and break up (with commas or semi-colons where necessary).
In: "Kids have school Friday and Michael has a soccer game Saturday and I have a class to teach Sunday morning" I totally understand the point you make, but just to make it clearer to a vast audience, adding a "this" before "Friday" and "Saturday" would be helpful.
My very best wishes, now and always.
Cheers!
Comment Written 05-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 05-Jun-2020
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Hey, Precious! If you'll wait until tonight to finish getting caught up, I'm going to try to put a certificate on all the previous chapters that will allow you to get some $$ for reading. Just wanted to alert you to that. Thank you for the suggestions! I'll go take a look. :)
Blessings and my best,
Deb
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Thank you Deb. Yeah, it would be nice. Not for me though, but for a greater audience, since, the member dollars is a huge motivation for them to read and review a work. Hence, you'd be entitled to more reviews. You're my greatest pal here on FS. I don't really care much if there's a certificate on the work. I just want to read your good works whether or not there's some $$ gain to it. Cheers!
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Jack has to be careful, but he's right. Cody needs to start living again, not just working. I don't mean dating again, either. He needs to do things with his children and his brother. You certainly are writing a fantastic book, Debby. Another great chapter. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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Jack has to be careful, but he's right. Cody needs to start living again, not just working. I don't mean dating again, either. He needs to do things with his children and his brother. You certainly are writing a fantastic book, Debby. Another great chapter. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 02-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 02-Jun-2020
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Hi Sandra! Thank you -- I've enjoyed your work, so that means a lot to me. :)
I've worried that I'm starting off too slow and not getting to the 'action' fast enough. Make sure and let me know if you feel that begins to happen. :)
Thank you for reading and be blessed,
Deb
Comment from royowen
Brothers Jack and Cody are quite obviously fond of one another, but like most brothers are poles apart in decided philosophies. I have/had three brothers, (one's deceased) but we are all different, the other three are good with their hands as my dad was, I'm more like mum. But loved the banter, of course Cody will still be affected and ruled by his emotions, until his brother will maybe shift his mind set. Beautifully written again, friend Debora, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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Brothers Jack and Cody are quite obviously fond of one another, but like most brothers are poles apart in decided philosophies. I have/had three brothers, (one's deceased) but we are all different, the other three are good with their hands as my dad was, I'm more like mum. But loved the banter, of course Cody will still be affected and ruled by his emotions, until his brother will maybe shift his mind set. Beautifully written again, friend Debora, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 01-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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Thank you! My brothers are 8 and 10 years younger than I am, so I was off to college around the time they were in elementary school. I love them now, but back then they were just a pain. lol
Thank you,
Deb
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Yes, mine too
Comment from lyenochka
Good idea to stop it here as we are now wondering what Jack has planned for Cody. I just wonder why he took so long to get to revealing that it's just a brother and brother time. Maybe that would have been better than to make all these plans behind his back. Do guys do that kind of thing? I thought that kind of surprise planning was more a female thing. Enjoyed your characters and their interchange.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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Good idea to stop it here as we are now wondering what Jack has planned for Cody. I just wonder why he took so long to get to revealing that it's just a brother and brother time. Maybe that would have been better than to make all these plans behind his back. Do guys do that kind of thing? I thought that kind of surprise planning was more a female thing. Enjoyed your characters and their interchange.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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Ah, when moms are involved, anything can happen. I now my oldest has conspired with me for my youngest, so it does happen. Takes a special guy, though. Not that I think my oldest boy is special, of COURSE. lol
Thank you for reading. :)
Deb
Comment from Puzzle
i'm really loving it tho! and i like the relationship between jack and cody. i like that jack is trying to get cody motivated to enjoy life again. he's a good brother. i don't think it was too weird of a spot that u cut it off. it was a cut off point i think! great job!
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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i'm really loving it tho! and i like the relationship between jack and cody. i like that jack is trying to get cody motivated to enjoy life again. he's a good brother. i don't think it was too weird of a spot that u cut it off. it was a cut off point i think! great job!
Comment Written 01-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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Thank you sweet friend. :)
I"m getting ready to post the next bit of this chapter. It tells quite a bit more about the time right after Pam died and moving to this point.
And then ?
ta-da-DAAAAA!
lol.
Later, gater,
Deb
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ahhhhh i?m excited
Comment from Bill Pinder
I like this interesting and well written chapter focusing on the relationship between the brothers. I Like how you present a caring relationship with the brothers, although some friction is realistic. Great idea to address the concept of having to move on after dealing with the death of a spouse. Bill
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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I like this interesting and well written chapter focusing on the relationship between the brothers. I Like how you present a caring relationship with the brothers, although some friction is realistic. Great idea to address the concept of having to move on after dealing with the death of a spouse. Bill
Comment Written 01-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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Thank you, Bill. I appreciate your review. :)
I'm actually just setting them up ?
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from CHANYA MASHENGU
An intriguing story. I didnt find any spelling errors.
We have created suspense making the reader want to see whats next and thats very good
Work is when done and waiting for a continuation of the story.
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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An intriguing story. I didnt find any spelling errors.
We have created suspense making the reader want to see whats next and thats very good
Work is when done and waiting for a continuation of the story.
Comment Written 01-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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Thank you!
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a very interesting novel.
Noticed some typos:
"Jack McClellan recieves (receives) a phone call that will change the lives of everyone in the family(.)"
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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This is a very interesting novel.
Noticed some typos:
"Jack McClellan recieves (receives) a phone call that will change the lives of everyone in the family(.)"
Comment Written 01-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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Thanks for the catch, Rebecca!
Blessings,
Deb
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Happy to help any time.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
It is like good news that Cody is planning for a new business, when there is plan, act in dedicated order brings in good result; well said, well done; I have enjoyed the read; thank you for sharing this; keep writing. ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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It is like good news that Cody is planning for a new business, when there is plan, act in dedicated order brings in good result; well said, well done; I have enjoyed the read; thank you for sharing this; keep writing. ALCREATOR
Comment Written 01-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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Thanks, Alcreator! HOpe all is well with you and yours. :)
Blessings,
Deb
Comment from Margaret Bednar
Smoothly written and I don't even notice its long once I start reading. (I do cursor down and see it is longer, but I know it is you writing so I'm not worried) I like the brothers back and forth and the little things - like the boots getting shoved off the desk, and getting put right back on. I have absolutely no cons. I look forward to the next chapter!
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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Smoothly written and I don't even notice its long once I start reading. (I do cursor down and see it is longer, but I know it is you writing so I'm not worried) I like the brothers back and forth and the little things - like the boots getting shoved off the desk, and getting put right back on. I have absolutely no cons. I look forward to the next chapter!
Comment Written 01-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 01-Jun-2020
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Margaret, thank you! No errors? WHAT?! How'd that happen? lol
Blessings and than you again,
Deb
