Fallen
Sonnet23 total reviews
Comment from dragonpoet
This shows the growing and ending of a relationship from a man's point of view. It shows how he feels lucky to have her love and then realizes she isn't what he made her to be. I like the image and metaphor of her as the
mud(or something else) on his shoes in the couplet.
Congrats on placing third in the contest, Steve.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Joan
reply by the author on 30-May-2020
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This shows the growing and ending of a relationship from a man's point of view. It shows how he feels lucky to have her love and then realizes she isn't what he made her to be. I like the image and metaphor of her as the
mud(or something else) on his shoes in the couplet.
Congrats on placing third in the contest, Steve.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
Joan
Comment Written 29-May-2020
reply by the author on 30-May-2020
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Thanks, Joan. I think you see this slightly differently from me. As I see it, the real point is how quickly he tires of her and loses interest once he 'possesses' her.It is his actions and attitude that turn her into a tawdry jade.
Thanks for the thoughtful reading.
Steve
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You're welcome, Steve.
It can be seen that way too.
Joan
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Congrats on your prize. This is superb: flawless in rhythm and rhyme, and startling imagery throughout. I missed this upon release--so glad I caught up! Cheers. LIZ
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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Congrats on your prize. This is superb: flawless in rhythm and rhyme, and startling imagery throughout. I missed this upon release--so glad I caught up! Cheers. LIZ
Comment Written 28-May-2020
reply by the author on 29-May-2020
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Thanks, Elizabeth. I am glad you enjoyed this - the message is not pretty, but it is part of life, I think.
Steve
Comment from Joan E.
Congratulations on having your poem well received in the contest. I admired your thought-provoking sonnet and its rhymes about the devaluation of love. Sighs- Joan
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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Congratulations on having your poem well received in the contest. I admired your thought-provoking sonnet and its rhymes about the devaluation of love. Sighs- Joan
Comment Written 27-May-2020
reply by the author on 27-May-2020
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Yes, Joan.
I know it's not a pleasant theme, but then poetry doesn't have to always be pretty...
Steve
Comment from humpwhistle
A lovely, if disquieting sonnet, Steve. The things we most yearn for often prove disappointing when ultimately achieved. More than likely, it's often our own fault for placing too much value on our own desires.
I like the somewhat subtle 'f' alliteration that permeates the entire first stanza.
I also like the premonition of disappointment couched in the second stanza.
Then the deeply hypocritical unsurprising act and aftermath.
A psychological full circle.
Best of luck, Steve.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 23-May-2020
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A lovely, if disquieting sonnet, Steve. The things we most yearn for often prove disappointing when ultimately achieved. More than likely, it's often our own fault for placing too much value on our own desires.
I like the somewhat subtle 'f' alliteration that permeates the entire first stanza.
I also like the premonition of disappointment couched in the second stanza.
Then the deeply hypocritical unsurprising act and aftermath.
A psychological full circle.
Best of luck, Steve.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 23-May-2020
reply by the author on 23-May-2020
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Thanks, Lee. I know the tale here is maybe unsavory, but that's life sometimes. I'm sure I'll be more uplifting next time!
Steve
Comment from w.j.debi
What an excellent sonnet. I wish I had a six left.
As with many things, the object of desire is so precious that it consumes every thought and desire, until it is obtained. Once obtained, it loses its allure and it's on to the next thing.
The sonnet structure fit this story perfectly.
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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What an excellent sonnet. I wish I had a six left.
As with many things, the object of desire is so precious that it consumes every thought and desire, until it is obtained. Once obtained, it loses its allure and it's on to the next thing.
The sonnet structure fit this story perfectly.
Comment Written 22-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Thanks so much for the kind review. Strangely, a number of reviewers have failed to see that 'story' which you lay out so clearly...
Stay safe.
Steve
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I thought you stated it clearly.
Best of luck in the contest. This is a wonderful sonnet.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Fallen
by kiwisteveh
Hello, Steve,
Beautiful entry for the Sonnet Poetry Contest. I like the contrast between jaded woman and the Jade precious gem. Well done my friend.
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Fallen
by kiwisteveh
Hello, Steve,
Beautiful entry for the Sonnet Poetry Contest. I like the contrast between jaded woman and the Jade precious gem. Well done my friend.
Comment Written 22-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Gypsy, many thanks for the kind words.
Steve
Comment from rama devi
It's always a pleasure to see your name in my inbox, Steve, and especially more so when it's a SONNET! You're a masterful sonneteer, and this one is no exception. I applaud your flawless meter, fluid flow, amusing satirical theme, fantastic phrasing phonetics and rhyming, especially:
reigned/remained, wait/fate, and poor/wore
and the alliteration duet here of F and W along with consonance of F to boot:
aloof to fetching face and wooing word.
This is an eloquent second stanza, however...I think it needs a question mark not a period at the end of the sentence, though poetic license certainly permits the latter:
What twisted gods are these who sealed your fate
and jested as the idly spinning die
directs you to my bed, while I but wait,
unworthy of that look, that touch, that sigh.(?)
Outstanding volta theme enhanced by a complex metaphor medley:
Then, having you, how briefly love took hold;
how swiftly reverence began to fade,
Your treasure, freely gifted, tarnished gold,
devalued now, as you became my jade.
Witty and clever closing couplet (with superb consonance and alliteration of S):
This tawdry gift, possessed, discarded, poor,
now sullies shoes that once a goddess wore.
This should win! Good luck!~
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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It's always a pleasure to see your name in my inbox, Steve, and especially more so when it's a SONNET! You're a masterful sonneteer, and this one is no exception. I applaud your flawless meter, fluid flow, amusing satirical theme, fantastic phrasing phonetics and rhyming, especially:
reigned/remained, wait/fate, and poor/wore
and the alliteration duet here of F and W along with consonance of F to boot:
aloof to fetching face and wooing word.
This is an eloquent second stanza, however...I think it needs a question mark not a period at the end of the sentence, though poetic license certainly permits the latter:
What twisted gods are these who sealed your fate
and jested as the idly spinning die
directs you to my bed, while I but wait,
unworthy of that look, that touch, that sigh.(?)
Outstanding volta theme enhanced by a complex metaphor medley:
Then, having you, how briefly love took hold;
how swiftly reverence began to fade,
Your treasure, freely gifted, tarnished gold,
devalued now, as you became my jade.
Witty and clever closing couplet (with superb consonance and alliteration of S):
This tawdry gift, possessed, discarded, poor,
now sullies shoes that once a goddess wore.
This should win! Good luck!~
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 22-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Rama, I am equally delighted when I see you have reviewed one of my pieces, because I am assured of a thoughtful and perceptive reading. And you still have a Six left to bestow at this late stage of the week.
More than some of my poems, this one seems to have confused some readers - I thought the 'story' was clear enough. It is a sad one and the 'voice' of the poem does not end up as the good guy, but poems don't have to be all flowers and sunshine, do they. You say this should win, but I suspect I've seen a 'flowers and sunshine' piece that may be more to the judges' taste.
I thought I'd fixed that question mark. I'll go take another look.
Thanks again for the fine review and the optimism.
Stay safe and enjoy the long weekend.
Steve
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Thanks for your gracious comments and response, dear Steve. I suspect you may be right regarding the judges' collective taste...
Stay safe, sane and sage!
Since I am locked down here in Florida with my mom...every day is a weekend...ha ha ha..
Best,
rd
Comment from A. Louise Robertson
Nicely done on the presentation of this sonnet, and the picture is perfect with your poem. I appreciated your author notes also. It is obvious to the reader that this poem took some time as you carefully selected each word. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Nicely done on the presentation of this sonnet, and the picture is perfect with your poem. I appreciated your author notes also. It is obvious to the reader that this poem took some time as you carefully selected each word. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 22-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Thanks, Louise.
You are right; I usually write quickly, but this one has been maturing for a while. Sonnets are tricky beasts and deserve time and attention.
Steve
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Very nicely done, Steve. I agree with you, the first line
is a mood grabber, The picture was a good choice and add to the meaning of the words. What a disappointment for the fellow to find the object of his affection was not as pure and sweet as he believed her to be. Good closing couplet. Nice sonnet! Nancy:)
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Very nicely done, Steve. I agree with you, the first line
is a mood grabber, The picture was a good choice and add to the meaning of the words. What a disappointment for the fellow to find the object of his affection was not as pure and sweet as he believed her to be. Good closing couplet. Nice sonnet! Nancy:)
Comment Written 22-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Thanks, Nancy.
You seem to have adopted a different view from my own - not that she was not pure, but that once he 'owned' the object of his desire, his love disappeared and he cast her off...
Steve
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I thought that but I didn't want to say it.
That happens a lot so Ladies beware. LOL
Nancy:)
Comment from barbara.wilkey
While reviewing on FS, I became a huge fan of sonnets and your contest entry did not disappoint. I enjoyed the musical flow of this poem. I want to wish you the best of luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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While reviewing on FS, I became a huge fan of sonnets and your contest entry did not disappoint. I enjoyed the musical flow of this poem. I want to wish you the best of luck with the contest.
Comment Written 22-May-2020
reply by the author on 22-May-2020
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Barbara, thanks for the kind words. Yes, there is something special about sonnets.
Steve
