Felix and other Friends
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Taj the Peacock"All About Our Pets and Other Animals
3 total reviews
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Wow this is excellently told. You took us there in the joy and the sadness, the threat and the surprise. It is very well written. I thoroughly enjoyed the telling and find no errors
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
  |
Wow this is excellently told. You took us there in the joy and the sadness, the threat and the surprise. It is very well written. I thoroughly enjoyed the telling and find no errors
Comment Written 17-May-2020
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
-
Dear Barb, Thank you for your review and the five stars. This peacock was the father of the two chicks I adopted. He was a beautiful bird, but not especially bright He lived for years after this and finally succumbed to a very wet Winter when he wouldn't roost in the house they had provided but down in the vegetable garden where he usually had his dust baths. They found him one morning
looking as if he had fallen asleep, wings all folded and his eyes closed. RIP Taj cheers Cass
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This is a fantastic story about Taj the peacock had a rival; I like and enjoyed the story but not fully because of your presentation; I have given below some examples you may check and edit if you like; well said, but not well done; enjoyed the read but not fully; thank you for sharing this; keep writing. ALCREATOR
Typos, space issues, inexpressive expressions, no use of Author Notes, no use of paragraphs, grammatical errors, punctuation errors:
1. Taj , the peacock,was strolling down the driveway one sunny morning when he came upon a mirror propped by the shed door.As the reflection moved closer to him, he froze. (Taj , the peacock, ((space)) was strolling down the driveway one sunny morning when he came upon a mirror propped by the shed door. ((space)) As the reflection moved closer to him, he froze.)
2. "Blimmin' 'eck! Oo's this Bu**er? (inexpressive expression)
3. "Didnya "ear me? You're on Private property I'll 'ave ya know. Now git lorst before I give ya a good seein' to." (inexpressive expressions, no Author Notes given for clarification; no warning issued about such use of language; this gives no pleasant or easy read; author takes deliberate guesswork about intelligence of the readers)
4. "Right" said Taj,"You asked for it. So now you're gonna get it." and charged the mirror with wings out and head down.
CRASH!! Taj fell back with his head spinning. The other bird looked a bit the worse for wear, but he still stood there, wings sagging and head drooping. ("Right" said Taj,((space)) "You asked for it. So now you're gonna get it." and charged the mirror with wings out and head down.
((space)) CRASH!! Taj fell back with his head spinning. The other bird looked a bit the worse for wear, but he still stood there, wings sagging and head drooping.)
5. Still no response other than a supercilious look down his aristocratic beak and a rude expression on his haughty face. (Still no response other than a supercilious look down his aristocratic beak and a rude expression on his haughty face. - this is an incomplete, grammatically wrong sentence; inexpressive expressions)
6. The ladies heard the commotion and as soon as they saw the mirror, they all wanted to be introduced.
They'd come up from the bamboo dust baths and stood there waiting to see who the handsome stranger might like for his girlfriend. (The ladies heard the commotion and as soon as they saw the mirror, they all wanted to be introduced. ((space))
They'd come up from the bamboo dust baths and stood there waiting to see who the handsome stranger might like for his girlfriend.)
7. Their comments were unabashedly promiscuous. ((space))
((space)) "Ooh! darling, (Typo: Darling)
8. The youngest hen responded (punctuation needed)
"Yes, but he won't want an old bird like you. He'll want someone -- younger. Like me for instance". (wrong use of punctuation mark, grammatical error)
9. "Oh really? (typo) and what would YOU talk to him about? What do you know apart from how many eggs make a clutch?" (space)
When the argument broke out between the youngest hen and one of the older birds they pecked at each other and actually raised a clawed foot before calming down again.
10. Taj was extremely distressed. If this interloper got his claws on the ladies of the harem, there would be Hell to pay. (space)
So he clucked
11. (space to begin a paragraph) Taj , the peacock,was strolling
12. Taj picked himself up again and looked for his rival. He had gone! Vanquished! (space)
(make a new paragraph) He looked carefully all through the shed, under tarpaulins and canvases, behind doors and in cupboards, but the villain had gone.
13. Taj was extremely distressed. If this interloper got his claws on the ladies of the harem, there would be Hell to pay. (space)
(new paragraph to begin) So he clucked to them soothingly, like a rooster does to his hens, and they all went back down under the bamboos, leaving Taj to deal with this bully that threatened his way of life.
ALCREATOR
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
 |
This is a fantastic story about Taj the peacock had a rival; I like and enjoyed the story but not fully because of your presentation; I have given below some examples you may check and edit if you like; well said, but not well done; enjoyed the read but not fully; thank you for sharing this; keep writing. ALCREATOR
Typos, space issues, inexpressive expressions, no use of Author Notes, no use of paragraphs, grammatical errors, punctuation errors:
1. Taj , the peacock,was strolling down the driveway one sunny morning when he came upon a mirror propped by the shed door.As the reflection moved closer to him, he froze. (Taj , the peacock, ((space)) was strolling down the driveway one sunny morning when he came upon a mirror propped by the shed door. ((space)) As the reflection moved closer to him, he froze.)
2. "Blimmin' 'eck! Oo's this Bu**er? (inexpressive expression)
3. "Didnya "ear me? You're on Private property I'll 'ave ya know. Now git lorst before I give ya a good seein' to." (inexpressive expressions, no Author Notes given for clarification; no warning issued about such use of language; this gives no pleasant or easy read; author takes deliberate guesswork about intelligence of the readers)
4. "Right" said Taj,"You asked for it. So now you're gonna get it." and charged the mirror with wings out and head down.
CRASH!! Taj fell back with his head spinning. The other bird looked a bit the worse for wear, but he still stood there, wings sagging and head drooping. ("Right" said Taj,((space)) "You asked for it. So now you're gonna get it." and charged the mirror with wings out and head down.
((space)) CRASH!! Taj fell back with his head spinning. The other bird looked a bit the worse for wear, but he still stood there, wings sagging and head drooping.)
5. Still no response other than a supercilious look down his aristocratic beak and a rude expression on his haughty face. (Still no response other than a supercilious look down his aristocratic beak and a rude expression on his haughty face. - this is an incomplete, grammatically wrong sentence; inexpressive expressions)
6. The ladies heard the commotion and as soon as they saw the mirror, they all wanted to be introduced.
They'd come up from the bamboo dust baths and stood there waiting to see who the handsome stranger might like for his girlfriend. (The ladies heard the commotion and as soon as they saw the mirror, they all wanted to be introduced. ((space))
They'd come up from the bamboo dust baths and stood there waiting to see who the handsome stranger might like for his girlfriend.)
7. Their comments were unabashedly promiscuous. ((space))
((space)) "Ooh! darling, (Typo: Darling)
8. The youngest hen responded (punctuation needed)
"Yes, but he won't want an old bird like you. He'll want someone -- younger. Like me for instance". (wrong use of punctuation mark, grammatical error)
9. "Oh really? (typo) and what would YOU talk to him about? What do you know apart from how many eggs make a clutch?" (space)
When the argument broke out between the youngest hen and one of the older birds they pecked at each other and actually raised a clawed foot before calming down again.
10. Taj was extremely distressed. If this interloper got his claws on the ladies of the harem, there would be Hell to pay. (space)
So he clucked
11. (space to begin a paragraph) Taj , the peacock,was strolling
12. Taj picked himself up again and looked for his rival. He had gone! Vanquished! (space)
(make a new paragraph) He looked carefully all through the shed, under tarpaulins and canvases, behind doors and in cupboards, but the villain had gone.
13. Taj was extremely distressed. If this interloper got his claws on the ladies of the harem, there would be Hell to pay. (space)
(new paragraph to begin) So he clucked to them soothingly, like a rooster does to his hens, and they all went back down under the bamboos, leaving Taj to deal with this bully that threatened his way of life.
ALCREATOR
Comment Written 17-May-2020
reply by the author on 18-May-2020
-
Thank you for your review. The notes you have provided are worthy of consideration and I thank you for the time and effort you have taken. Cheers Cass
Comment from Iza Deleanu
I really liked this part, it made me laugh so hard. Peacock - harem-feast. :"Taj was extremely distressed. If this interloper got his claws on the ladies of the harem, there would be Hell to pay.
So he clucked to them soothingly, like a rooster does to his hens, and they all went back down under the bamboos, leaving Taj to deal with this bully that threatened his way of life.
reply by the author on 17-May-2020
|
I really liked this part, it made me laugh so hard. Peacock - harem-feast. :"Taj was extremely distressed. If this interloper got his claws on the ladies of the harem, there would be Hell to pay.
So he clucked to them soothingly, like a rooster does to his hens, and they all went back down under the bamboos, leaving Taj to deal with this bully that threatened his way of life.
Comment Written 17-May-2020
reply by the author on 17-May-2020
-
Dear Iza Thank you for your review and the five stars. This is based on fact. The story was told to me by the man who lived in the house where the peacocks came from. He was a rough diamond, but a terrific fellow whose anecdotes had my husband and me in fits of mirth. I have tailored Taj's dialogue to this man's way of speaking
I am glad you enjoyed the story. cheers Cass
