Comment from Lucy de Welles

Good

This is funny! Loved the theme and the characters.
Some suggestions:
Line 2: "like" to "likes" or "liked"
Line 3&4: awkward
Line 5: take out "said"
Line 26: "Proud of you we are" he gabbled.?
Having 6 lines in last stanza seems odd. Maybe 4 and 2. Or add another 2 and split it to make it even. After several readings, I still didn't really understand the last stanza. Needs clarity.
Thank you for the opportunity to review your work. Carry on!

 Comment Written 12-May-2020

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reply by the author on 12-May-2020

Thanks very much.....you are right.....needs more focus....Best Wishes.....Stu Harrell

reply by Lucy de Welles on 12-May-2020

reply by the author on 12-May-2020

You are right......a little too slap dash.....needs work.....Thank you very much ...Godspeed....Stu Harrell

reply by the author on 12-May-2020

You are right....a little too slap dash....needs work.....Thanks for your help.....Godspeed and Best Wishes...Stu Harrell

reply by the author on 16-May-2020

You are right....this is a little scattershot....needs some work......Thanks for your help and Best Wishes....Stu Harrell

Comment from robyn corum

Needs Improvement

Stuart,

Well, here's the deal, honestly. This has the makings of an adorable Shel Silverstein-type poem. But, at the moment, it's falling short. (sorry.) It looks like you wrote the first draft and left things at that.

The first couple of stanzas had me smiling... but you didn't follow through. As the story went on it became less clear and, actually, a bit cloudy and baffling. By the end, it was totally and completely nonsense - and not the good kind.

The really bad part is that this contest is for a person REALLY named 'Twenty' and not just casually nicknamed that AND it's for a STORY, not a poem.

I strongly suggest heavy edits. Thanks for the read and good luck!

 Comment Written 12-May-2020

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reply by the author on 12-May-2020

Thanks very much.......you are right......will do better.....Best Wishes Stu Harrell

Comment from R. Hiland

Average

Well it's fun, but I think you can do better. In this kind of poem, rhythm and meter matter more than in others. Read your poem aloud. Hear where the accents should be. It will be a lot more powerful and fun if you pay attention to that. It seems like you probably have already, but if you haven't, grab a couple beers, get out a copy of Robert Service's The Spell of the Yukon and read "The Cremation of Sam McGee" or "The shooting of Dan McGrew" out loud.

 Comment Written 12-May-2020

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reply by the author on 12-May-2020

Thanks very much.....good advice......Best Wishes ...Stu Harrel

Comment from QC Poet

Excellent

Entertaining and Fun ride and read. A great entry for the Twenty Short Story contest, I only wish the 20 was used more ie 3rd paragraph "like a twenties man"
Excetra. Wishing you the Best of Luck in the twenty short story contest.

 Comment Written 12-May-2020

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reply by the author on 12-May-2020

Thanks very much for your thoughts.....good advice......Best Wishes...Stu Harrell

Comment from SS. Anjum

Excellent

A different theme you have chosen and have been successful. Good poem especially i like the way you ended it. Thanks for sharing and good luck for the contest

 Comment Written 12-May-2020

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reply by the author on 12-May-2020

Thanks very much .....good advice.....Best Wishes....Stu Harrell

Comment from Diana Kane

Excellent

This was absolutely fabulous. It told a story. The rhythm was kept. I love that. It was fun and yet informative. Absolutely fabulous job!!! Good luck in the contest!

 Comment Written 12-May-2020

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reply by the author on 12-May-2020

Thanks so much....great fun with these....Best Wishes....Stu Harrell

Comment from papa55mike

Excellent

I'd say you gave Scooter plenty to do, and he did it all. What a wonderfully written poem.

Good luck in the contest!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike

 Comment Written 12-May-2020

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reply by the author on 12-May-2020

Thanks so very much......Best Wishes to you.....Stu Harrell