The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Homeless Heart on the Range"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
12 total reviews
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
This is an interesting sounding saga. I haven't read any of this until now. You've got something good developing here. I like what you've presented here and enjoyed reading this well written work. Well done!
reply by the author on 12-May-2020
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This is an interesting sounding saga. I haven't read any of this until now. You've got something good developing here. I like what you've presented here and enjoyed reading this well written work. Well done!
Comment Written 11-May-2020
reply by the author on 12-May-2020
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Thanks, Jeff!
Comment from Alaskastory
"Homeless Heart on the Range" tells so well about the hurt in Jane's life. Not having breakfast Maya fixed surprised me. At least a cup of coffee would be good to give her strength to visit her husband's grave. Your wording was good and full of excitement.
I suggest: "The one that blinded me when it was taken." I thought a slight word about why blinded, perhaps refer to the camera light photographer used.
"I dug the dirt over the grave.." Does she dig with fingers or shovel?
Good chapter. Marie
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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"Homeless Heart on the Range" tells so well about the hurt in Jane's life. Not having breakfast Maya fixed surprised me. At least a cup of coffee would be good to give her strength to visit her husband's grave. Your wording was good and full of excitement.
I suggest: "The one that blinded me when it was taken." I thought a slight word about why blinded, perhaps refer to the camera light photographer used.
"I dug the dirt over the grave.." Does she dig with fingers or shovel?
Good chapter. Marie
Comment Written 09-May-2020
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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Thanks so much, Marie! I need to get back to your screenplay soon.
Comment from Mastery
Hi Stan. I am impressed indeed. In fact this deserves six stars but I am fresh out today. Perhaps I should have waited until tomorrow to review this fine piece of writing.
You have come a heck of a long way since i last read your work. Matured in every way. Congratulations!
Really vast improvements in the way you use the language and moreover your use of concrete visible images throughout. Bravo!
Like this for instance: "I jolted awake and gasped for air! My eyes strained in the ink of darkness. I heard footsteps in the hall, heart beating like a war drum. (Good stuff my friend. :) Bob
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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Hi Stan. I am impressed indeed. In fact this deserves six stars but I am fresh out today. Perhaps I should have waited until tomorrow to review this fine piece of writing.
You have come a heck of a long way since i last read your work. Matured in every way. Congratulations!
Really vast improvements in the way you use the language and moreover your use of concrete visible images throughout. Bravo!
Like this for instance: "I jolted awake and gasped for air! My eyes strained in the ink of darkness. I heard footsteps in the hall, heart beating like a war drum. (Good stuff my friend. :) Bob
Comment Written 09-May-2020
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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Thanks so much, Bob. Good to hear from you.
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Can you recognize how far you have come my friend? : ) Bob
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We all need each other during times of self-doubt, to remind us, we've improved. Thanks for the good word.
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: ) Bob
Comment from Ben Colder
I need a six for this work. You took me by surprise at the beginning and eased my mind toward an Indian attack only to see a widow understanding the cause of her husband's death. Very descriptive and interesting holding the attention to the end.
Very well done. This is the first I have read of this saga.
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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I need a six for this work. You took me by surprise at the beginning and eased my mind toward an Indian attack only to see a widow understanding the cause of her husband's death. Very descriptive and interesting holding the attention to the end.
Very well done. This is the first I have read of this saga.
Comment Written 09-May-2020
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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Thanks, Ben. Actually, I would love to hear from you in the future over this project, because the plot will be in your wheelhouse, so to speak. Jane will soon find that the Indians who have no home will be treated badly by the Indians, so she starts a mission, teaching outcast who may not have been welcomed in the local church, leading to a harrowing adventure, getting taken by a Lakota tribe etc. Blessings around the bend.
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Sounds interesting
Comment from zanya
Life in the raw here with emotions seeping out and threatening to engulf the participants - against a background of a hard and unrelenting landscape makes for interesting reading
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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Life in the raw here with emotions seeping out and threatening to engulf the participants - against a background of a hard and unrelenting landscape makes for interesting reading
Comment Written 09-May-2020
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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Thanks for the important recognition and input!
Comment from Mistydawn
What a very well-written chapter. It's interesting, believable start to finish. I could feel your character's sorrow, her fear that they'll be back again. The way you added the backstory is perfect. My only regret is that I don't have a six to give this well-deserving piece.
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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What a very well-written chapter. It's interesting, believable start to finish. I could feel your character's sorrow, her fear that they'll be back again. The way you added the backstory is perfect. My only regret is that I don't have a six to give this well-deserving piece.
Comment Written 09-May-2020
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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Thanks so much, Misty. Your warm and genuine response is worth more than a golden plus.
Comment from Shirley McLain
Great job on this chapter and I did enjoy the read. You brought out the feelings from your characters. Looking forward to reading more. Have a blessed day. Shirley
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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Great job on this chapter and I did enjoy the read. You brought out the feelings from your characters. Looking forward to reading more. Have a blessed day. Shirley
Comment Written 09-May-2020
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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Thanks so much, Shirley. Blessings around the bookends!
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
What a great chapter. I think this is definitely the best chapter I ever remember reading by you -- of course, you were gone for a while, so my memory might be a bit faded. *smile*
The dialogue is great and super realistic. The scenes are great, too.
Be sure that when you mention the family you don't use apostrophes unless they possess something. If it's just the group of them you just write the name with an 's' on the end... Smiths, etc.
--> And Ole, Henry, he will keep us company along the way, Miss Taylor. He only speaks when spoken to.
--> no comma after 'Ole'
Thanks so much!
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Stan,
What a great chapter. I think this is definitely the best chapter I ever remember reading by you -- of course, you were gone for a while, so my memory might be a bit faded. *smile*
The dialogue is great and super realistic. The scenes are great, too.
Be sure that when you mention the family you don't use apostrophes unless they possess something. If it's just the group of them you just write the name with an 's' on the end... Smiths, etc.
--> And Ole, Henry, he will keep us company along the way, Miss Taylor. He only speaks when spoken to.
--> no comma after 'Ole'
Thanks so much!
Comment Written 09-May-2020
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This piece is full of raw emotion, and a wonderful read. The spirit and spunk of the characters sticks with me, so that I eagerly look for your next posting. I have been waiting for you to post this chapter.
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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This piece is full of raw emotion, and a wonderful read. The spirit and spunk of the characters sticks with me, so that I eagerly look for your next posting. I have been waiting for you to post this chapter.
Comment Written 08-May-2020
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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Thanks so much for all the encouragement you offer, and consistently reading/reviewing !
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You're welcome.
Comment from Lucy de Welles
This is a good first draft. The progression of the storyline from the first paragraph to the last is straight forward, moves well from one thought to another and begins and wraps up smoothly.
I was confused in the latter portion when Jane began talking to Jake. Her manner of speaking is completely different from her manner of thinking in the narrative that begins the chapter. It's almost as if she is two different people. We tend to talk the way we think. Maybe you could match that up better.
Question: if Jane and her husband came from back east, I would think that their manner of speaking would be a little less ragged. But, only reading one chapter, I don't know the past history...or where "the range" is located. There are a lot of jagged edges that could be smoothed out. Westerns can read very smoothly and still contain accents and different modes of talking. If you have plain coffee ice cream, it is smooth. That's Jane Austin. If you have coffee ice cream with nuts and chocolate chunks, that's westerns. But the common thing is the smooth coffee ice cream.
If the prose is smooth around the characteristics of the characters, then the characteristics stand out more and the reader has the pleasure of a smooth but interesting read.
There are some grammatical difficulties.
For instance: paragraph 1: mousy voice plead vs mousy voice pleading.
paragraph 2: dragged vs dragging. dragging follows the thinking in the dream.
paragraph 7: I nodded, unwilling to speak of Indians in my head vs unwilling to think of THE Indians in my head. in the dream she was seeing certain Indians that she had seen before. so "the" makes it specific to her reality.
paragraph 12: pork bacon. saying the same thing twice. there probably was not turkey bacon back then. so maybe remove the pork.
The McCords who all rubbed the sleep from their eyes vs the McCords, rubbing sleep from their eyes-smoother
huddled around the kitchen looking at me with sincere concern, like someone who had no business being a homeless, teen aged widow. I politely declined breakfast. (better moved up to this paragraph.)
still, there is the different thinking and speaking voice here for Jane.
paragraph 19: rogue Indians vs roving Indians. Rogue is a noun or a verb not an adjective.
maybe instead of narrative for Jane, she could just talk to herself in her head with the rougher way she speaks.
I feel so bad for all of this correction. I've spent about 3 hours on this and have notes I'm just going to chuck because might seem like I'm trying to re-write your chapter, and don't want to offend in that way...
I think the story sounds interesting, even after only reading one chapter.
Best Wishes
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 30-May-2020
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This is a good first draft. The progression of the storyline from the first paragraph to the last is straight forward, moves well from one thought to another and begins and wraps up smoothly.
I was confused in the latter portion when Jane began talking to Jake. Her manner of speaking is completely different from her manner of thinking in the narrative that begins the chapter. It's almost as if she is two different people. We tend to talk the way we think. Maybe you could match that up better.
Question: if Jane and her husband came from back east, I would think that their manner of speaking would be a little less ragged. But, only reading one chapter, I don't know the past history...or where "the range" is located. There are a lot of jagged edges that could be smoothed out. Westerns can read very smoothly and still contain accents and different modes of talking. If you have plain coffee ice cream, it is smooth. That's Jane Austin. If you have coffee ice cream with nuts and chocolate chunks, that's westerns. But the common thing is the smooth coffee ice cream.
If the prose is smooth around the characteristics of the characters, then the characteristics stand out more and the reader has the pleasure of a smooth but interesting read.
There are some grammatical difficulties.
For instance: paragraph 1: mousy voice plead vs mousy voice pleading.
paragraph 2: dragged vs dragging. dragging follows the thinking in the dream.
paragraph 7: I nodded, unwilling to speak of Indians in my head vs unwilling to think of THE Indians in my head. in the dream she was seeing certain Indians that she had seen before. so "the" makes it specific to her reality.
paragraph 12: pork bacon. saying the same thing twice. there probably was not turkey bacon back then. so maybe remove the pork.
The McCords who all rubbed the sleep from their eyes vs the McCords, rubbing sleep from their eyes-smoother
huddled around the kitchen looking at me with sincere concern, like someone who had no business being a homeless, teen aged widow. I politely declined breakfast. (better moved up to this paragraph.)
still, there is the different thinking and speaking voice here for Jane.
paragraph 19: rogue Indians vs roving Indians. Rogue is a noun or a verb not an adjective.
maybe instead of narrative for Jane, she could just talk to herself in her head with the rougher way she speaks.
I feel so bad for all of this correction. I've spent about 3 hours on this and have notes I'm just going to chuck because might seem like I'm trying to re-write your chapter, and don't want to offend in that way...
I think the story sounds interesting, even after only reading one chapter.
Best Wishes
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-May-2020
reply by the author on 30-May-2020
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Thanks. I think.
