An Apple Tree Knew ...
Occitan Sonnet/Uplifting Poetry4 total reviews
Comment from WalkerMan
In these difficult times, with the corrupt media wringing every bit of fear and anguish possible out of the latest crisis, it certainly is uplifting to read this delightful story in perfect Occitan Sonnet form of an apple tree's growth from a seedling to eventual enjoyment of offering two happy children her delicious fruit.
In the apt illustration, though the clothing styles suggest a time period long before my sister and I were the ages depicted, I can imagine us in such a scenario, were there an accessible apple tree near where we lived. Farther down, it does seem like the tree is smiling.
Despite the hardships your life has brought you, a joyful child still resides deep within your loving heart; and you clearly have mastered the skills needed to turn that into such delightful poetry. Superb.
Congratulations on winning the "Uplifting Poetry!" contest with this.
reply by the author on 11-May-2020
  |
In these difficult times, with the corrupt media wringing every bit of fear and anguish possible out of the latest crisis, it certainly is uplifting to read this delightful story in perfect Occitan Sonnet form of an apple tree's growth from a seedling to eventual enjoyment of offering two happy children her delicious fruit.
In the apt illustration, though the clothing styles suggest a time period long before my sister and I were the ages depicted, I can imagine us in such a scenario, were there an accessible apple tree near where we lived. Farther down, it does seem like the tree is smiling.
Despite the hardships your life has brought you, a joyful child still resides deep within your loving heart; and you clearly have mastered the skills needed to turn that into such delightful poetry. Superb.
Congratulations on winning the "Uplifting Poetry!" contest with this.
Comment Written 09-May-2020
reply by the author on 11-May-2020
-
Thank you Mike for this wonderfully detailed review! Much appreciated.
-
You are most welcome, Susan. I greatly enjoyed this post. :)) -- Mike
Comment from Richard J
Goodness, Lady Susan!
What a privilege it is to find this rarely ever composed Occitan Sonnet. I'm not certain I've even come across one on this site before.
Your creatively lovely presentation certainly sets the mood under that late 1800s or early 1900s looking, colorful artwork piece. Do kids still climb trees, and do boys and girls play together like that anymore? Maybe, they're brother and sister, eh?
Besides that, I could not find a flaw with composition, rhyme, meter, punctuation, flow, imagery, metaphor, nuance, timbre ... I could go on, but anyone reading this who knows what a real classical poem is, will surely recognize this as a wonderful example to behold.
I love this, Susan, and really hope you win, or at least place, in the contest.
Many thanks to you, Dear Poetess, for sharing your fine craft! ~ Richard : )
reply by the author on 08-May-2020
|
Goodness, Lady Susan!
What a privilege it is to find this rarely ever composed Occitan Sonnet. I'm not certain I've even come across one on this site before.
Your creatively lovely presentation certainly sets the mood under that late 1800s or early 1900s looking, colorful artwork piece. Do kids still climb trees, and do boys and girls play together like that anymore? Maybe, they're brother and sister, eh?
Besides that, I could not find a flaw with composition, rhyme, meter, punctuation, flow, imagery, metaphor, nuance, timbre ... I could go on, but anyone reading this who knows what a real classical poem is, will surely recognize this as a wonderful example to behold.
I love this, Susan, and really hope you win, or at least place, in the contest.
Many thanks to you, Dear Poetess, for sharing your fine craft! ~ Richard : )
Comment Written 07-May-2020
reply by the author on 08-May-2020
-
Hi Richard, yes ;-) an Occitan Sonnet. Thanks for reading and for this wonderful review! I really was drawn to that artwork. As far as kids?? I climb a apple tree everytime I'm at an orchard. lol I think Lilly has a video of me last time I went :-) Thanks again, as far as contest? We shall see.
Comment from -KTP-
Love the reference note to your work. Brings back my English Major studies in college.
I too write in the sonnet form of poetry and like the flow it brings to poetry more then a lot of free form poets these days. But to each their own.
As to your work... I do like a poem's "flow" and I felt it was a bit weighed down at times. This might be from a few extra words per lines that may be trimmed out. Sometimes less words make a stronger mark on the reader.
I love your use of slang and dialect in the framing of the words Ie "Flutter'ing". It shows your ability to craft art within the word. Very impressive.
There were some examples of past tense to present tense word choices that threw me off from the art a bit.. line 1 "Shimmied-up" to line 2 "Welcoming" as example.
Also your line "As Nature wished, the children drifted by 'n by" I would have liked it to be "As Nature wished, the children drift by" Think it captures the same essence to your poem but works more to its flow.
All in all a great piece! With some trimmings I thing it can be even stronger!
reply by the author on 07-May-2020
  |
Love the reference note to your work. Brings back my English Major studies in college.
I too write in the sonnet form of poetry and like the flow it brings to poetry more then a lot of free form poets these days. But to each their own.
As to your work... I do like a poem's "flow" and I felt it was a bit weighed down at times. This might be from a few extra words per lines that may be trimmed out. Sometimes less words make a stronger mark on the reader.
I love your use of slang and dialect in the framing of the words Ie "Flutter'ing". It shows your ability to craft art within the word. Very impressive.
There were some examples of past tense to present tense word choices that threw me off from the art a bit.. line 1 "Shimmied-up" to line 2 "Welcoming" as example.
Also your line "As Nature wished, the children drifted by 'n by" I would have liked it to be "As Nature wished, the children drift by" Think it captures the same essence to your poem but works more to its flow.
All in all a great piece! With some trimmings I thing it can be even stronger!
Comment Written 07-May-2020
reply by the author on 07-May-2020
-
Thank you for taking the time to read and review. I appreciate the comments. Though, not sure how you would "trim back" a few extra words from a strictly formatted Occitan Sonnet.
-
With respect KTP,
I?m not normally a person to takes issue with what others think or say about my poetic compositions, as I respect others? opinions. But, since you made it a point to announce your English Major expertise, I want you to know I have carefully read and considered each of your critiques and comments, and want to respond accordingly to each.
In that spirit, I am not quite sure I understand what you mean by, ?I felt it was a bit weighed down at times. This might be from a few extra words per lines that may be trimmed out.? This made me wonder if you know that the Occitan Sonnet form line requirements are Iambic Hexameter (12 syllables or 6 poetic feet/line), and that this determines the number of words/syllables per line.
Then, you said, ?I love your use of slang and dialect in the framing of the words Ie ?Flutter'ing?.? It is, actually, ?flutt?ring? and this technique is ?elision?, rather than ?slang? or ?dialect? ? though, I am quite grateful for your praise and bright approval of my use of it, thereof.
Also, you commented, ?There were(?)(are) some examples of past tense to present tense word choices that threw me off from the art a bit.. line 1 "Shimmied-up" to line 2 "Welcoming" as example.? Why would it not be appropriate that ?seedlings shimmied-up? and ended with ?Its ?leaflets? welcoming bright morning?s amber son.??
What are the rest of these ?examples of past to present tenses? you mentioned, please?
Finally, you offered, ?As Nature wished, the children drifted by 'n by" I would have liked it to be ?As Nature wished, the children drift by? Think it captures the same essence to your poem but works more to its flow.? This would leave that line three syllables short of the form?s requirements and would throw the iambic meter off, ending the line sondaic, as follows: ?as NAture WISHED, the CHILDren DRIFT BY?.
I believe your critique is well-intended KTP.
I thoroughly appreciate the spirit of your review ? thank you.
Sincerely,
Susan
-
It was well intended. Just did not flow easily for me as a poet. That may indeed be the rigid set standard you were working with, but if you look at examples such as Dante's Paradisio, Purgadisio etc which are Italian based poems under that same standard, they tend to be a little lighter in word count and easier read. Again. every one expects 5 stars here but for me this was a "good" poem. that can be better.
-
"An Occitan sonnet is a type of sonnet that first appeared in written form in 13th century Italian poetry. Occitan sonnets are characterized by a rhyming scheme of a/b/a/b, a/b/a/b, c/d/c/d/c/d."
Basically you can keep the sentences trimmed short, as long as the rhyme scheme match the patterns above, to meet the sonnet expectations. There is no requirement for how many words you use.
It helps me to focus on the end words of each sentence (Stanza line), to make sure they all rhyme in that A,B,A,B / next stanza / C,D,C,D Pattern.
-
KTP, you are sidestepping the iambic hexameter (12-syllable) requirement of the Occitan Sonnet. The format is quite clear. IF you choose to trim the 12 syllable count...fine. But, it is not a true Occitan Sonnet.
-
I am not "side stepping" the requirement, since there is "no" 12 syllable requirement for "all" Occitan Sonnets.
There are many various styles of Occitan Sonnets. Please look it up.
If your 12 Syllable requirement was part of this contest you should have posted it in the note.
You still have past and present tense issues, slow poem flow due to word choice, and a few forced rhymes that you could improve imo.
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Poet,
I like your apple tree imaginings. *smile* I climbed in just such a tree when I was young and LOVED IT! My brother and I would steal Grandma's salt shaker and run to the orchard and spend hours there. hahaha
She did NOT like that.
This is definitely an uplifting poem and I enjoyed the read. Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 07-May-2020
|
Dear Mystery Poet,
I like your apple tree imaginings. *smile* I climbed in just such a tree when I was young and LOVED IT! My brother and I would steal Grandma's salt shaker and run to the orchard and spend hours there. hahaha
She did NOT like that.
This is definitely an uplifting poem and I enjoyed the read. Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 07-May-2020
reply by the author on 07-May-2020
-
Thank you for reading and the review! It sounds like you had fun at Gramma's! Nice :-)
