Oh Life!
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Wisdom!"Experiences of living
212 total reviews
Comment from Supe
Another good poem. You managed the syllable count with ease. By the ribbon others have enjoyed your work as well. Good job. You are mastering all different kinds of poetry with this book.
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Another good poem. You managed the syllable count with ease. By the ribbon others have enjoyed your work as well. Good job. You are mastering all different kinds of poetry with this book.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
Comment from allborn66
This is an interesting piece. I like the alliteration. The word choice is thought-provoking. The theme in apparent. Barbara
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This is an interesting piece. I like the alliteration. The word choice is thought-provoking. The theme in apparent. Barbara
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
Comment from vkmack
Fabulous use of alliteration in the last line! It really holds your readers and actually brings us back for more. I reread to get the full impact. Love the allegory here, and that first line is powerful. Dark vs light is the oldest battle on earth, but it will never end. Great work.
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Fabulous use of alliteration in the last line! It really holds your readers and actually brings us back for more. I reread to get the full impact. Love the allegory here, and that first line is powerful. Dark vs light is the oldest battle on earth, but it will never end. Great work.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
Comment from jmdg1954
I read this a few times trying to make heads or tails from it. Looked at the words line by line, in pairs and groups, paying particulat attention to the commas. Getting a little of it but not much.
I'll keep trying.
John
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I read this a few times trying to make heads or tails from it. Looked at the words line by line, in pairs and groups, paying particulat attention to the commas. Getting a little of it but not much.
I'll keep trying.
John
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
Comment from Kevin C
I like your thoughts and what you convey to the reader. I find your format of 5-7-5-7-7 is an interesting way to go with such a poem of deep thought. It reads well and you do lead the reader to thought. A well thought out poem.
Kevin
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I like your thoughts and what you convey to the reader. I find your format of 5-7-5-7-7 is an interesting way to go with such a poem of deep thought. It reads well and you do lead the reader to thought. A well thought out poem.
Kevin
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
Comment from Writer for Hire
This was quite the poem. I enjoy reading the occasional Tanka.
Uh, I felt like the notes where you're telling us what each thing represents kind of dumbs down the poem. I mean, you should leave the poem as it is, and have the people either figure it out or go by on a false assumption. Sometimes people will enjoy the poem more if they think something different than what the poem meant. Plus, I just felt that the note was unneccessary. I mean, I understood what it was supposed to be about, all the note did was confirm my thoughts.
Anyways, back to the review.
I really liked your metaphors. You did a good job on that.
The metaphors helped the poem pull on my emotions. Also, the metaphors kind of gave the poem a little bit of a mystifying affect.
Also, your word choice was pretty good. The poem flowed quite well, and the structure was fine for a tanka.
Thank you for sharing this poem with Fanstory so that I could read it.
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This was quite the poem. I enjoy reading the occasional Tanka.
Uh, I felt like the notes where you're telling us what each thing represents kind of dumbs down the poem. I mean, you should leave the poem as it is, and have the people either figure it out or go by on a false assumption. Sometimes people will enjoy the poem more if they think something different than what the poem meant. Plus, I just felt that the note was unneccessary. I mean, I understood what it was supposed to be about, all the note did was confirm my thoughts.
Anyways, back to the review.
I really liked your metaphors. You did a good job on that.
The metaphors helped the poem pull on my emotions. Also, the metaphors kind of gave the poem a little bit of a mystifying affect.
Also, your word choice was pretty good. The poem flowed quite well, and the structure was fine for a tanka.
Thank you for sharing this poem with Fanstory so that I could read it.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2006
Comment from BellasTales
Hello again
Moving down the front page and here you are again- Well done,
very well written Tanka-you've managed to say so much in such few words.
Good job
Bella
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Hello again
Moving down the front page and here you are again- Well done,
very well written Tanka-you've managed to say so much in such few words.
Good job
Bella
Comment Written 27-Jun-2006
Comment from BeautysMessenger
Nice. I'd buy it if it were in a book. Particularly liked the line "Dark salutes false light"
I'd suggest one word change to get more power. The word humdrum contradicts your initial vision of what the personified Dark is doing. Dark is proactively glorifying false light, busily shading truth. Then how can its hourly soaring be "humdrum"? That word suggests something totally opposite of the diligent, sharp-witted work of an active warrior against true light.
Two syllable words such as "active" "moving" "tireless" "lively" "spryly" suggest an effort more in line with the initial image. I won't be so arrogant as to pick the word for you, but I will earnestly suggest that you change it. A one word change can make the difference between a poem that has unity and a poem that is self destructive.
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Nice. I'd buy it if it were in a book. Particularly liked the line "Dark salutes false light"
I'd suggest one word change to get more power. The word humdrum contradicts your initial vision of what the personified Dark is doing. Dark is proactively glorifying false light, busily shading truth. Then how can its hourly soaring be "humdrum"? That word suggests something totally opposite of the diligent, sharp-witted work of an active warrior against true light.
Two syllable words such as "active" "moving" "tireless" "lively" "spryly" suggest an effort more in line with the initial image. I won't be so arrogant as to pick the word for you, but I will earnestly suggest that you change it. A one word change can make the difference between a poem that has unity and a poem that is self destructive.
Comment Written 27-Jun-2006
Comment from Margokatt
not reviewing much these days in fact, maybe I've reviewed 10 in the last month, but this one is worth a minute. VERY GOOD! I didn't need the author notes because as I am sure you're aware I am on the same path. . . .enlightenment is a journey and wisdom is within this "you chop wood before englightment and after englightment you still chop wood."
writing such a profound statement with few words is a gift to dream of! well done AW.
mk
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not reviewing much these days in fact, maybe I've reviewed 10 in the last month, but this one is worth a minute. VERY GOOD! I didn't need the author notes because as I am sure you're aware I am on the same path. . . .enlightenment is a journey and wisdom is within this "you chop wood before englightment and after englightment you still chop wood."
writing such a profound statement with few words is a gift to dream of! well done AW.
mk
Comment Written 27-Jun-2006
Comment from Norbanus
It's difficult to show the depth of truth and wisdom in so few words, but you have managed well to display the foolishness of bowing downto the wisdom of the moment.
Nicely done,
Norbanus
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It's difficult to show the depth of truth and wisdom in so few words, but you have managed well to display the foolishness of bowing downto the wisdom of the moment.
Nicely done,
Norbanus
Comment Written 27-Jun-2006
