Surprise
A puppy's tale9 total reviews
Comment from sunnilicious
Hi Brenda! Cute story. However, I want to edit the first paragraph for a better flow in the storytelling process. You can use it or not. Please don't be upset with me.
Original:
Jolted by the sudden screams from inside his otherwise dark apartment Danny jumped back suddenly; knocked over the lamp and fell on the dog!
Edit:
Danny suddenly jumped back. He heard a panic of screams. They were coming from inside his, otherwise dark, apartment. He knocked over a lamp, which fell on the dog. Dog!
Tasty fall. Nice ending. Now, I'm craving cake. Good luck in the contest :)
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2020
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Hi Brenda! Cute story. However, I want to edit the first paragraph for a better flow in the storytelling process. You can use it or not. Please don't be upset with me.
Original:
Jolted by the sudden screams from inside his otherwise dark apartment Danny jumped back suddenly; knocked over the lamp and fell on the dog!
Edit:
Danny suddenly jumped back. He heard a panic of screams. They were coming from inside his, otherwise dark, apartment. He knocked over a lamp, which fell on the dog. Dog!
Tasty fall. Nice ending. Now, I'm craving cake. Good luck in the contest :)
Comment Written 03-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2020
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Thanks!
Comment from lyenochka
Oh, poor Cricket! I was shocked by the use of the verb "pummel" which I think of a beating action with fists like a boxer. Maybe it has a different meaning for you? Best wishes in the contest!
Your description line says "A puppies tale" but since there is only one puppy, I'd suggest: A puppy's tale.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2020
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Oh, poor Cricket! I was shocked by the use of the verb "pummel" which I think of a beating action with fists like a boxer. Maybe it has a different meaning for you? Best wishes in the contest!
Your description line says "A puppies tale" but since there is only one puppy, I'd suggest: A puppy's tale.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2020
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LOL Thank you. I chose pummel on purpose for dramatic effect. I'll make the Puppy's change. 🙂
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the Surprise! 80 Words or Less writing prompt.
This short story is well told with a funny ending.
Well done and I wish you good luck with the contest.
Sharon
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2020
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I think this is a good entry for the Surprise! 80 Words or Less writing prompt.
This short story is well told with a funny ending.
Well done and I wish you good luck with the contest.
Sharon
Comment Written 02-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2020
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Thank You!
Comment from RShipp
Wow! Now that would have been a surprise!
You picked a great topic for your surprise and placed your characters in an interesting place for your surprise.The illustration was perfect.
I enjoyed the read.
Best of luck in the 80 Words Surprise Story Contest.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2020
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Wow! Now that would have been a surprise!
You picked a great topic for your surprise and placed your characters in an interesting place for your surprise.The illustration was perfect.
I enjoyed the read.
Best of luck in the 80 Words Surprise Story Contest.
Comment Written 02-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2020
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Thank You!
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
Awe, that's very cute. I'm glad that it sounds like the pup was basically unscathed. I love the excellent wordplay in this humorous and well written work. Well done!
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2020
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Awe, that's very cute. I'm glad that it sounds like the pup was basically unscathed. I love the excellent wordplay in this humorous and well written work. Well done!
Comment Written 01-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2020
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Thank you!
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
What an adorable picture, Mystery Author. I enjoyed reading your contest entry. In a few words, as required, you told a good little story. The use of the word 'pummeled' twice is such close proximity is too close together. Also, the word pummeled has connotations of a fight. Perhaps another word choice could be found. However, I know this is your choice.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes. Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2020
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What an adorable picture, Mystery Author. I enjoyed reading your contest entry. In a few words, as required, you told a good little story. The use of the word 'pummeled' twice is such close proximity is too close together. Also, the word pummeled has connotations of a fight. Perhaps another word choice could be found. However, I know this is your choice.
Thanks for sharing and best wishes. Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 01-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2020
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Thank You Jan!
Comment from humpwhistle
Surprise parties look better on paper than they do in real life.
As evidenced by the poor, pummeled pup.
Good entry for the contest. I wish you luck with the voters.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2020
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Surprise parties look better on paper than they do in real life.
As evidenced by the poor, pummeled pup.
Good entry for the contest. I wish you luck with the voters.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 01-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2020
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Thank You!
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
Adorable story about a man and a cake making a sandwich, with the puppy in the middle! Before today I never heard of a PUP-CAKE, but there's always a first time, and that would be... today. Very cute surprise ending.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2020
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Adorable story about a man and a cake making a sandwich, with the puppy in the middle! Before today I never heard of a PUP-CAKE, but there's always a first time, and that would be... today. Very cute surprise ending.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2020
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Thank You!
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You're very welcome!
Comment from Iza Deleanu
Funny and not so funny for the poor pup pie that got hurt by its own owner - PUP-CAKE anyone? Thank you so much for sharing and good luck with the contest and please stay safe.
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2020
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Funny and not so funny for the poor pup pie that got hurt by its own owner - PUP-CAKE anyone? Thank you so much for sharing and good luck with the contest and please stay safe.
Comment Written 01-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2020
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Thank you. You too!
