Comment from John bailey

Excellent

verily verily, I say unto you, that ye shall weep and lament,and ye shall be sorrowful, but your sorrow shall be turned into joy, you are very strong man Doctor Ricky, a very good writer, lean on God thats where your strength comes from.

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2020

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reply by the author on 28-Mar-2020

Thanks a million John!
Doctor Ricky1024

Comment from Selyob

Average

First, as a parent, I hurt for your loss. I paused to imagine the loss of my own child, before reading over your poem. And then I repeated-several times.

Second, I really wanted to give this four stars. I truly enjoy what you are working to express because you use such powerful imagery... but I could not for the following reasons.

Third, I could not easily tell where your personal work began. I do not feel the introduction belongs in the body of the work itself... perhaps it is best as a post script... but not in the body of your work. Why? Because it distracts from the work itself. In line with this, I do not feel inserting another poet's work into your own is appropriate, even though you gave credit to the original author... unless the stanza with Whitman's quote was still a part of your intro... then again, it belongs elsewhere.

Fourth, and although you explained it to be your personal style in a previous comment, I still find your technique of end of line punctuation usage to be severely damaging to your work. I understand you intend to cause the reader to think, but you are not accomplishing that goal, you are breaking the flow and damaging the soul of the poem, in my opinion.

Fifth, made up words such as "shalleth" have no place in in a serious poem such as this. While perfect in the correct environment, in a serious poem such as this, they cheapen your work by making it appear that you are trying too hard; and simply come across as pretentious.

Sixth, while your attempt at using old English and the older style is what makes your work so beautiful to me personally; and you are becoming one of my favorite poets on this site, your use of "tis" in "truly motionless tis I" is completely incorrect. "Tis" is equal to our modern "is." As such, it cannot be applied in the way you applied it. In this application, the correct word here would be "am."

'Truly motionless am I!'

Seventh, and most importantly, your shift between the structure of placing "I" after the statement, mimicking the Old English structure, to before the statement, reflective modern usage, severely damages the congruency and flow of your work. (I mean, it really messed it all up.)

"Truly motionless tis I" - I follows
"Truly blind for I can no longer see!" - I precedes

I will present some suggested changes to the above stanza as a whole so you can see the difference, and all of the things I think should be changed.

Truly motionless am I!"
Truly blind!
For no longer can I see,"
But the stark reality!
Though motionless and blind, search I through the night;
And yet, cannot seem to find the light.

Or something like that. ;)

Anyway, hope this helps!

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2020

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reply by the author on 28-Mar-2020

First you have no writings posted even though you join two years ago I don't understand?
Hence you're not qualified to review anybody's work here let alone mine.
the third issue is my style is my style which you may have noticed everybody styles individually done and it's not right for proper to rewrite the poem in a review in your style.
I have no problem you reading my work and I appreciate that you enjoy it but I don't appreciate the average review when my reviews are always five and six stars.
when it comes to my writings in my capitalization and how I present the punctuations and my style is my style and my purpose for my reasons for my own personal benefit.
...
So you have a choice to either stop reviewing my work and find somebody else's or post your own writing so people can read it and learn from it or help you because as far as I'm concerned you're not qualified to review my work and I don't agree with anything you just posted here about my beautiful poetry especially when I said do with my dead son who we utilize his organs 17 years ago to save lives that's a smack in the face by the way and you said you are a parent?

reply by Selyob on 28-Mar-2020

First off, I am disappointed that you chose to take offense with my sincere effort to help you improve your work. However, attacking me personally because you do not like the fact that I critiqued your work is against the rules here. So stop right there.

Second, posting one's own work is not a requirement, nor is it a prerequisite to reviewing work which is presented on this site. In fact, maintaining one's works in privacy is a substantial feature of membership at Fanstory. I could have thousands of works here and you would never know it unless I wanted you to know it. So do not tell me I do not qualify to review your posted works because I have not yet posted any of my own.

Furthermore, by virtue of the fact that I am a member, I qualify to review anything you post for review. So stop telling me I do not qualify to review your work. For all you know, I could be Joy Harjo, the National Poetry Laureate.

A fundamental component of this site is critical review. In fact, the rules for reviewing a work on this site REQUIRE the reviewer to not simply pat the writer on the head, but to look for and present within the review things which, IN THE READER'S opinion, could be improved upon.

Additionally, the rules state that reviewers are to offer specific suggestions as to how to improve the work... which requires demonstrating... which is what I have done.

So, I have merely done as instructed by the rules. If you have a problem with my reviews, feel free to report them to Tom. If He feels I did something inappropriate, I will gladly stop.

reply by Selyob on 28-Mar-2020

Ricky, I have come back to this because something you said stuck with me after my previous response.

Somehow you felt my critique of your poem's word choice and structure was a disrespect of your son or your loss... and for that I must apologize. Nothing is further from my intent.

To answer your specific question, not only am I a parent, I also drove an ambulance and worked in the ER. I know death. I know pain, and in no way did my comments about your poem reflect upon your son, or your loss.

I am sorry for your loss. Sincerely, I ache for you.

reply by the author on 29-Mar-2020

When I joined this site I wanted to present a gift that I was given a test I further accept.
There is nobody on this site like me and there never will.
There's nobody on this site except a very few that have anywhere is near the knowledge of my pain and one had her daughter decapitated in the similar car accident.
There are people on this site I have saved them from this misery by reviewing my pain.
And now they write again.
you state that you could have posted thousands on this site?
and 17 years I've posted hundreds of thousands on this site to a degree in many others.
Number 3 cummington and number to Strathmore who's who's did not respect me or they never would have accepted me.
try to become a member of those two prestigious clubs is the first one still operating at a New York even though there's a virus I just talked to Connor two days ago.
the other site Covington's went bankrupt at a Hollywood Florida about two years after I joined in 2014.
Markee is the Number One Who's Who.
...
they don't know I exist because I have not deemed it necessary to this point in my life.
I did not but publish for others to profit from my word an example will be authorhouse but a beautiful dedicated poem to my wife committed suicide eight months after the loss of their son.
the other was a personal poem about beauty that was accepted by The Who's Who of poetry 2014.
I'm presently being published by a company called Xilibris publishing.
(Celile Sands)
...
She is well aware of who I am and what I am doing with hundreds of publications that I need to go out on the market.
I could care less about the money I've been told by people that review me somebody in charge of the Christian Network somebody in charge of Faith publishing your work need to be seeing your religious work.
...
In conclusion everything you have said about your career and fanstory I agree with number one you have the right to privacy and you also have the right to review.
and we also have the right to privacy and write the counter review.
...
you may have a gift and you may not but if you don't present it then you're wasting your time on this site.
there's too many reviewers that act as teachers that can't write worth a s*** how do I know I read their works and they reviewed my works.
I prepped protected my work here specially dealing with organ tissue donation in my family to the point I've been thrown off of this site many many many times.
they say to block the person if you have a disagreement don't go for a Revenge factor.
Severe situations when your basically ignorant and you're basically trashing me being representative The Gift of Life out of Philadelphia and when I'm trying to achieve here on fanstory if I educating the public about organ tissue donations and sharing my thoughts which I do almost 50% of the time is my basic wanton need which helps me grieve.
...
you will never know what I feel you won't be able to review it you won't be able to understand it whether you give it one star or all the stars in the world until you have suffered from.
...
I accept your apology and I realize that you never meant 2 trash my family.
I also respect your views and your feelings when it comes to this world and what you're doing.
...
but I'm afraid to say you will never be recognized for your ability or disability on fan story unless you produce your work for people to review.
Doctor Ricky1024

reply by Selyob on 29-Mar-2020

My God Ricky....

Brother, I have no words.

To lose my son, and to then lose my wife, my soul's ONLY mate... I cannot fathom the depths of the anguish. It would take God Himself to keep me from losing my mind. I truly think I would die of a broken heart in no time at all.

I wrote this earlier tonight, not aware that we would have this conversation. I would like to share it. I know it is but a pale shadow....

****

How sweetly doth yon mocking bird,
Warble - whistle - trill;
Whose joyous, dainty, serenade
Softens iron will.

Be gone thou plaguing angel!
Be gone thou rapturous tune!
Leave here my soul abandoned
Beside my lover?s tomb.

No sweetness is there in the grave,
No joy in the abyss;
No twinkle found in frozen eyes
No warmth in final kiss.

How dare you mock my brokenness
Thou mocking evil spawn!
How dare you sing of joy and hope -

All joy, and hope, are gone.

****

Concerning your comments:

I know this site is about sharing and receiving reviews, but I have such limited funds, that promoting my work here or anywhere is not really an option for me... so I write because I enjoy writing. If I can ever win some of the contests, that would be a nice payday, but that is not my goal, really.

Like anyone, I appreciate hearing when someone enjoys my words, but I am long past the days when my ego is connected to their critiques. I seek only to improve. For this reason I have not made public presentation a goal, except here or there when I am requested to do a public reading.

I doubt I shall ever be published unless I pay for it myself. And it seems pointless to be the only customer of a book I paid to produce.

Speaking of Xlibris, let me know what you think of their marketing and overall services after your work with them is finished. They contacted me several years ago, but I brushed them off as one of those fake publishing houses. Perhaps I was wrong.

Lastly, why did you prep protect your work? I thought you felt open publication was the entire point, and prep protecting a waste of time?

reply by the author on 29-Mar-2020

Well since I've been reported about our conversation to Tom I've gotten a warning and when these worn these come out I've gone through before my account is shut down.
And it stays shut down until you agree to his terms and last time it took me 90 days to get back on the site.
So I responded I do not agree with the terms I will protect my work I will protect my work when it has to do with organ tissue donation my son who's passed and my dead wife who commits suicide over our problems.
So now I expect my account to be discontinued thanks a lot.

reply by Selyob on 29-Mar-2020

Prior to our last comments, I asked Tom to review our discussion, and my reviews, to show me where I was wrong, if I was in fact wrong.

Then a few hours later, I received your apology last night, and replied to you with my last reply. As far as I am concerned, we are past the issues.

I will let Tom know that you apologized, and we have moved forward; it's the least I can do... however, I cannot change what Tom does based upon his perspective of the conversation.

Let me go quickly to let him know we have worked through things... maybe that will have some influence upon his decision.

reply by Selyob on 29-Mar-2020

I have informed Tom that you apologized and we are past the conflict. The rest is up to him. That is all I can do Ricky. I hope you are allowed to remain. If not, I'll see you when you come back. :)

reply by the author on 29-Mar-2020

Thanks