Reviews from

Sleepy Interlude on the Lawn

What it takes to give her that first kiss. . . .

5 total reviews 
Comment from A. Willow Bends
Exceptional
This work has reached the exceptional level

I love this short piece. I am rather shocked someone thought it only worthy of a four. I think it is so very true to life, open and honest. Well done and Good Luck!
Wendy

 Comment Written 29-Mar-2020

reply by the author on 29-Mar-2020
    Many thanks to you, Wendy. I appreciate your affirmation.

    Aaron
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2020
    Oh, Wendy. I just noticed that "I love this short piece" meant that "I love this short piece" with six stars. Yipes! Grateful. ~Aaron
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

This is a very poignant story. It is limited in scope, imagery and sensations because of the limitation of word count. You have done a fine job in spite of these limitations.

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2020

reply by the author on 29-Mar-2020
    Many thanks to you, Liz. I appreciate your affirmation. I was wanting to say "Irish lullaby" but that would take me over the 50 mark. Does anyone even know or use the word "lullaby" today?

    Aaron
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

. I doze off briefly and awake to find you peacefully looking into my soul . . . your hair frames your face so beautifully . . . and your sensuous lips wordlessly invite me to kiss you. . . .

So romantic.

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2020

reply by the author on 28-Mar-2020
    Thanks for the readback lines and your support, Raffaelina!
Comment from TheManojArora
Needs Improvement
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

I like the words you chose. The description is poetic and beautiful. The second person POV makes it better.

However, this seems to be a scene and did not provide any closure to me in terms of a story (with a beginning, a middle and an end).

I have a few suggestions:

. . . after a lazy after-dinner tea, - No need to start the piece with "..."

I doze off briefly and awake to find - use "wake up" instead of "awake"

you peacefully looking into my soul . . . - It should be "looking peacefully" and not "peacefully looking"

These are just suggestions. Keep writing. All the best!

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2020

reply by the author on 28-Mar-2020
    Dear MA,

    Thanks for the time you spent to help me. I would very much like to see a 50-word story with a beginning, a middle and an end. Can you recommend one?
reply by TheManojArora on 29-Mar-2020
    There are plenty. Google for them. I have tried myself to write something like that. It's titled Disguise. Check it out.

    Keep writing.
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2020
    Thank you, MA. ~Aaron
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Excellent
Not yet exceptional. When the exceptional rating is reached this is highlighted

Sweet--uplift sorely appreciated. Fresh image: find you peacefully looking into my soul; sensuous lips wordlessly has pleasing alliteration in SSSSSs and LLL. Cheers. LIZ

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2020

reply by the author on 28-Mar-2020
    Wow! You write a first-class review. Many thanks, Liz.