The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Shelter In Place"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
9 total reviews
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
You are managing to portray history as it was during that stressful time, with your descriptive narrative and important information as to the activity and chaos of the day. Jane's fate is front and center in this narrative.
Ralf
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
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You are managing to portray history as it was during that stressful time, with your descriptive narrative and important information as to the activity and chaos of the day. Jane's fate is front and center in this narrative.
Ralf
Comment Written 08-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
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hanks again for reading this story and encouraging me that it has merit to attempt a publish of it.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Love this descriptive sentence: Cattle grazed on the rifts to rolling hills of lush green grass and golden meadows. (I would put a comma right after lush).
Well-formed chapter here, with excellent idioms or near idioms as well. Descriptive as always! Here are some little tweaks in punctuation, etc. to look at again:
As I dug my chin into Jake's back on the horse, I looked that way with a heavy knotted heart, knowing one day I'd have to depend on the town for supplies if I were to rebuild the cabin and work the land.
I think instead of 'that way' I would just say 'in the town's direction' and add a comma after heavy.
We must have got bigger than ants on a hill (even though this is a clever implied simile, I am feeling as if Jane's eyesight is much better than Lydia's if she could see Lydia pull her skirts up to run). I would just say: Lydia McCord spotted us, lit off the perch and drew her dress up to her knees to make a beeline toward me in a pitched run.
Lydia came alongside with glassy (add a comma) blue-eyed tears.
Lydia cradled him in her arms. "Poor child. For plum sake." You want plumb with a b on the end.
She turned toward Maya, her black maid on the porch. I really want to add another comma after maid here, since it is an appositive phrase re-naming Maya. Maybe say: She turned toward Maya, her black maid, where she stood on the porch.
Maya the black maid (since you just said she was a black maid, you can just say Maya stepped off the porch) stepped off the porch and met up with Lydia, who gave my child to her. Her skin was the color of dark maple and her eyes bright as brown marbles. She was bone thin where a white shawl clung to her shoulders. (Love this description of Maya.)
As I slipped off Jake's horse, Lydia hugged me until I soiled her blue and white dress. "For land's sake! You look as though you slipped down the chimney. Come with me where you can have a bath, and I will find you a change of clothes (put comma after clothes) my darling."
Maya shouldered my son and let him play with her frizzy black hair. "I will get this child cleaned up (need comma after up) Miss Taylor, and before long he be white as virgin snow."
Lydia led me inside as if I were some royal guest. There was a picture of our new president, Abraham Lincoln (put comma after Lincoln) hung on the wall between a mounted antelope and a longhorn sheep. The room was large enough for dancing on the glowing (I think put a comma after glowing, since there is no such thing as a glowing pine tree, but the wood is both glowing and pine as well.) pine wood. Mr. McCord walked inside (put a comma after inside) wiping off his boots (put a comma after boots) and throwing his hat on a hook. Lydia smiled at him (put a comma after him) and he looked shy as a man with needle and thread. (or maybe awkwardly shy, since a needle and thread doesn't make someone shy usually).
The men, including Jake, stirred the air with their horses and galloped off in the distance. (Love that description)
Your more family than friend." You are more family than friend.
It speared my heart to hear his talk of family. I wondered if the whole lot wasn't taken (takin' or taking) bets over me and Jake, including his father. And yet his son hadn't so much as pecked me on the cheek. What childish dreams I once had that left me the day my husband died. (Maybe put an exclamation mark here after died instead of period)
As I stood in the open between the hall and kitchen, I watched Maya take care to check the washbasin with a finger for the water to be tepid but not hot. We exchanged friendly glances. I did my best to thank her with a nod and kind blue eyes.
The ranch house was no mere dwelling. It had double-hung windows, a solid adobe brick foundation (put comma here) and above the structure was made of thick pine from the evergreen foothills. I was led to a private quarter off the stairs (consider putting a comma here just for the sake of breath) where I could have hot water for a bath passed to me.
I fought the urge to rest and checked on my child. Josh was laughing and cooing as Maya sponged him (put a comma after him) and water trickled down his soiled body from the washbasin on the cutting table.
Don't you stay a sight for sore eyes? (for some reason 'stay' sounds like the wrong verb here, or you as the pronoun. Do you mean "Don't he seem a sight for sore eyes?")
A chill from the day raked my spine to remind me of my homeless plight (put comma after plight) as Lydia searched for bedding and ordered Thad to fetch hot water buckets. As I plunged onto the bed, I listened to momentary silence, a sweet sound of silence (used silence twice, maybe try 'momentary quiet') where my thoughts wrestled (or stopped wrestling, so that the silence really was sweet for a few moments) over my burned down (I think hyphen between burned and down) cabin, the land, the Indians, and the gulf between here and a place for my son to grow into a man.
I cleared my throat. "Come in.Add second quotation marks here
Thad, Maya's husband(put comma after husband) was at the door with piping hot water in a row of wood buckets. "Afternoon, Miss Taylor, Okay if I fill your bath?"
(add quotation marks here) Yes, Tad. You and Maya are a blessing."
"Don't rightly know(put comma after know) Miss Jane. I
The thought of our country divided by war, brother against brother, (maybe add: made me feel as if) our own families were torn asunder.
And then the unhappy Indians as wagon trains and the Buffalo hunters become invaders. (This is a fragment. If it is the style of Jane's thinking throughout, that is one thing. I would just add a couple of words, like: And then I considered the unhappy Indians as wagon trains and buffalo hunters kept invading their land.)
It seemed the world caved from all sides. And yet, (you can take the comma out here) it felt like we all belonged together, (add and here) the ranch was like one big stew of lost souls finding their way. (Awesome description).
"I don't want you leaving (put comma after leaving) either," I said. "I might just have to get in your way (put comma after way) too."
Thad smiled with a broad smile and a few missing teeth. Sweat gathered on his brow from the buckets (of water) he (had) put in the tub.
I look forward to reading your writing! I aim to write a chapter roughdraft today on the western idea I have.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2020
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Love this descriptive sentence: Cattle grazed on the rifts to rolling hills of lush green grass and golden meadows. (I would put a comma right after lush).
Well-formed chapter here, with excellent idioms or near idioms as well. Descriptive as always! Here are some little tweaks in punctuation, etc. to look at again:
As I dug my chin into Jake's back on the horse, I looked that way with a heavy knotted heart, knowing one day I'd have to depend on the town for supplies if I were to rebuild the cabin and work the land.
I think instead of 'that way' I would just say 'in the town's direction' and add a comma after heavy.
We must have got bigger than ants on a hill (even though this is a clever implied simile, I am feeling as if Jane's eyesight is much better than Lydia's if she could see Lydia pull her skirts up to run). I would just say: Lydia McCord spotted us, lit off the perch and drew her dress up to her knees to make a beeline toward me in a pitched run.
Lydia came alongside with glassy (add a comma) blue-eyed tears.
Lydia cradled him in her arms. "Poor child. For plum sake." You want plumb with a b on the end.
She turned toward Maya, her black maid on the porch. I really want to add another comma after maid here, since it is an appositive phrase re-naming Maya. Maybe say: She turned toward Maya, her black maid, where she stood on the porch.
Maya the black maid (since you just said she was a black maid, you can just say Maya stepped off the porch) stepped off the porch and met up with Lydia, who gave my child to her. Her skin was the color of dark maple and her eyes bright as brown marbles. She was bone thin where a white shawl clung to her shoulders. (Love this description of Maya.)
As I slipped off Jake's horse, Lydia hugged me until I soiled her blue and white dress. "For land's sake! You look as though you slipped down the chimney. Come with me where you can have a bath, and I will find you a change of clothes (put comma after clothes) my darling."
Maya shouldered my son and let him play with her frizzy black hair. "I will get this child cleaned up (need comma after up) Miss Taylor, and before long he be white as virgin snow."
Lydia led me inside as if I were some royal guest. There was a picture of our new president, Abraham Lincoln (put comma after Lincoln) hung on the wall between a mounted antelope and a longhorn sheep. The room was large enough for dancing on the glowing (I think put a comma after glowing, since there is no such thing as a glowing pine tree, but the wood is both glowing and pine as well.) pine wood. Mr. McCord walked inside (put a comma after inside) wiping off his boots (put a comma after boots) and throwing his hat on a hook. Lydia smiled at him (put a comma after him) and he looked shy as a man with needle and thread. (or maybe awkwardly shy, since a needle and thread doesn't make someone shy usually).
The men, including Jake, stirred the air with their horses and galloped off in the distance. (Love that description)
Your more family than friend." You are more family than friend.
It speared my heart to hear his talk of family. I wondered if the whole lot wasn't taken (takin' or taking) bets over me and Jake, including his father. And yet his son hadn't so much as pecked me on the cheek. What childish dreams I once had that left me the day my husband died. (Maybe put an exclamation mark here after died instead of period)
As I stood in the open between the hall and kitchen, I watched Maya take care to check the washbasin with a finger for the water to be tepid but not hot. We exchanged friendly glances. I did my best to thank her with a nod and kind blue eyes.
The ranch house was no mere dwelling. It had double-hung windows, a solid adobe brick foundation (put comma here) and above the structure was made of thick pine from the evergreen foothills. I was led to a private quarter off the stairs (consider putting a comma here just for the sake of breath) where I could have hot water for a bath passed to me.
I fought the urge to rest and checked on my child. Josh was laughing and cooing as Maya sponged him (put a comma after him) and water trickled down his soiled body from the washbasin on the cutting table.
Don't you stay a sight for sore eyes? (for some reason 'stay' sounds like the wrong verb here, or you as the pronoun. Do you mean "Don't he seem a sight for sore eyes?")
A chill from the day raked my spine to remind me of my homeless plight (put comma after plight) as Lydia searched for bedding and ordered Thad to fetch hot water buckets. As I plunged onto the bed, I listened to momentary silence, a sweet sound of silence (used silence twice, maybe try 'momentary quiet') where my thoughts wrestled (or stopped wrestling, so that the silence really was sweet for a few moments) over my burned down (I think hyphen between burned and down) cabin, the land, the Indians, and the gulf between here and a place for my son to grow into a man.
I cleared my throat. "Come in.Add second quotation marks here
Thad, Maya's husband(put comma after husband) was at the door with piping hot water in a row of wood buckets. "Afternoon, Miss Taylor, Okay if I fill your bath?"
(add quotation marks here) Yes, Tad. You and Maya are a blessing."
"Don't rightly know(put comma after know) Miss Jane. I
The thought of our country divided by war, brother against brother, (maybe add: made me feel as if) our own families were torn asunder.
And then the unhappy Indians as wagon trains and the Buffalo hunters become invaders. (This is a fragment. If it is the style of Jane's thinking throughout, that is one thing. I would just add a couple of words, like: And then I considered the unhappy Indians as wagon trains and buffalo hunters kept invading their land.)
It seemed the world caved from all sides. And yet, (you can take the comma out here) it felt like we all belonged together, (add and here) the ranch was like one big stew of lost souls finding their way. (Awesome description).
"I don't want you leaving (put comma after leaving) either," I said. "I might just have to get in your way (put comma after way) too."
Thad smiled with a broad smile and a few missing teeth. Sweat gathered on his brow from the buckets (of water) he (had) put in the tub.
I look forward to reading your writing! I aim to write a chapter roughdraft today on the western idea I have.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2020
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Thanks so much Cristie. I think I went back off the notes in my head and got most of them. You must be a professional editor with an English degree. You are good.
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Not really an editor, but did captions for phone calls for deaf and hard of hearing people for about 10 years. I do have a B.A. in Creative Writing but still have student teaching to finish on a Master's.
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
Good chapter. I can't imagine how a woman might feel in a situation like this at a time like this. This plot is intriguing. Keep it up!
Some notes for you, if you are interested:
1.) We don't keep a ledger. (You're) more family than friend."
2.) I watched Maya take care to check the washbasin with a finger for the water to be tepid but not hot.
--> tepid is room temperature -- she could just use a pitcher and bowl -- which is what most bedrooms of that time had available at all times-- the water in the pitcher would have already been at room temperature, right? Then, if she had merely added a wee bit of hot water from the stove, she might have been checking to see that it wasn't too warm for his tender flesh.
3.) I cleared my throat. "Come in. Thad(.") Maya's husband
4.) (New paragraph) "Afternoon, Miss Taylor, Okay if I fill your bath?"
5.) (")Yes, T(h)ad. You and Maya are a blessing."
6.) Thad smiled with a broad smile and a few missing teeth.
--> Thad's broad smile exposed a few missing teeth.
7.) Sweat gathered on his brow from the buckets he put in the tub.
--> well, he didn't put the 'buckets' in the tub...
Thanks a lot!
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2020
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Stan,
Good chapter. I can't imagine how a woman might feel in a situation like this at a time like this. This plot is intriguing. Keep it up!
Some notes for you, if you are interested:
1.) We don't keep a ledger. (You're) more family than friend."
2.) I watched Maya take care to check the washbasin with a finger for the water to be tepid but not hot.
--> tepid is room temperature -- she could just use a pitcher and bowl -- which is what most bedrooms of that time had available at all times-- the water in the pitcher would have already been at room temperature, right? Then, if she had merely added a wee bit of hot water from the stove, she might have been checking to see that it wasn't too warm for his tender flesh.
3.) I cleared my throat. "Come in. Thad(.") Maya's husband
4.) (New paragraph) "Afternoon, Miss Taylor, Okay if I fill your bath?"
5.) (")Yes, T(h)ad. You and Maya are a blessing."
6.) Thad smiled with a broad smile and a few missing teeth.
--> Thad's broad smile exposed a few missing teeth.
7.) Sweat gathered on his brow from the buckets he put in the tub.
--> well, he didn't put the 'buckets' in the tub...
Thanks a lot!
Comment Written 20-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2020
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I scribbled down the notes, in order to chew the cud over it! Will fixer up partner!
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*thumbs up*
Comment from Mistydawn
What an excellent chapter all the way around. Your great description drew me right in, helped me picture the surroundings. Your characters really came to life. Your dialogue seems natural, realistic, it helped set the time and place. You know, this couldn't have come at a better time. It gives us hope by reminding us that the world has faced other troubling, uncertain times and survived. Very nicely done. Your other writing was good, but this is a whole lot better.
I apologize if this went through twice, my computer messed up and I wasn't sure it was sent.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2020
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What an excellent chapter all the way around. Your great description drew me right in, helped me picture the surroundings. Your characters really came to life. Your dialogue seems natural, realistic, it helped set the time and place. You know, this couldn't have come at a better time. It gives us hope by reminding us that the world has faced other troubling, uncertain times and survived. Very nicely done. Your other writing was good, but this is a whole lot better.
I apologize if this went through twice, my computer messed up and I wasn't sure it was sent.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2020
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Thanks again Misty. Hunker down and stay safe!
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You do the same.
Comment from papa55mike
It's amazing the confusion of that time and today. Things never change. What a wonderfully written chapter. One type-o, near the end, "Yes, Tad. you need a quotation mark at Yes. Best of luck with your book!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2020
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It's amazing the confusion of that time and today. Things never change. What a wonderfully written chapter. One type-o, near the end, "Yes, Tad. you need a quotation mark at Yes. Best of luck with your book!
Have a great day and God bless.
mike
Comment Written 20-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2020
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Thanks so much. I was hoping others would identify and feel the connection with how dangerous and unpredictable life was what with diseases and wars on the homefront. Stan
Comment from Shirley McLain
This is a fine chapter to read. I did not find a thing our of place to make recommendations about. Great job. Keep safe and I look forward to the next chapter. Shirley
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2020
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This is a fine chapter to read. I did not find a thing our of place to make recommendations about. Great job. Keep safe and I look forward to the next chapter. Shirley
Comment Written 20-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2020
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Thanks, Shirley for your support and friendship.
Comment from BethShelby
I am enjoying this writing. These were times that everyone had to fight to stay alive. ThHere was so much for people to cling together. There were good neighbors to help each other. It was a time that people felt no woman could manage alone to start over so I can imagine that people felt women needed a man in their life. My own grandmother when a young widow couldn't make it a alone and everyone felt she had to remarry. I'm enjoying this. I look forward to more.
Betj
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2020
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I am enjoying this writing. These were times that everyone had to fight to stay alive. ThHere was so much for people to cling together. There were good neighbors to help each other. It was a time that people felt no woman could manage alone to start over so I can imagine that people felt women needed a man in their life. My own grandmother when a young widow couldn't make it a alone and everyone felt she had to remarry. I'm enjoying this. I look forward to more.
Betj
Comment Written 20-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2020
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Thank you, Beth! I appreciate your approval to know that I hoped to capture the culture and times, not to mention the tough choices one had to make.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This chapter promises a great book in the making. The times and troubles show the great strength and determination of our pioneer forefathers and their families. Americans have that spirit in their bones, so they need to find it to fight a modern day foe, the virus.
I saw something you need to consider in the tenth and eleventh paragraphs. "Maya the black maid" should be said only once--maybe the end of the tenth paragraph. Then start off paragraph eleven with "Maya stepped off the porch..."
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2020
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This chapter promises a great book in the making. The times and troubles show the great strength and determination of our pioneer forefathers and their families. Americans have that spirit in their bones, so they need to find it to fight a modern day foe, the virus.
I saw something you need to consider in the tenth and eleventh paragraphs. "Maya the black maid" should be said only once--maybe the end of the tenth paragraph. Then start off paragraph eleven with "Maya stepped off the porch..."
Comment Written 20-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2020
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Thanks for catching that. You were the only one who told me of it. My hope is that this book would resonate more than ever when you think of smallpox wiping out whole tribes or towns. TB was present. Yet our previous generations faced sometimes death every day. Stan
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"13 If I shut up the heavens so that there is no rain, or if I command the locust to devour the land, or if I send pestilence among my people; 14 if my people, who are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land."
2 Chronicles 7:13-14
Comment from Fonda Little
My favorite part was, "As I slipped off Jake's horse, Lydia hugged me until I soiled her blue and white dress. "For land's sake! You look as though you slipped down the chimney. Come with me where you can have a bath, and I will find you a change of clothes my darling."
"I can't thank you enough for all you and your husband have done.'", because of the hospitality and kindness shown!
The Lord led me to these verses after I read this,
Isaiah 1:18 New International Version (NIV)
18 "Come now, let us settle the matter,"
says the Lord.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.
James 2:16-17 New International Version (NIV)
16 If one of you says to them, "Go in peace; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2020
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My favorite part was, "As I slipped off Jake's horse, Lydia hugged me until I soiled her blue and white dress. "For land's sake! You look as though you slipped down the chimney. Come with me where you can have a bath, and I will find you a change of clothes my darling."
"I can't thank you enough for all you and your husband have done.'", because of the hospitality and kindness shown!
The Lord led me to these verses after I read this,
Isaiah 1:18 New International Version (NIV)
18 "Come now, let us settle the matter,"
says the Lord.
"Though your sins are like scarlet,
they shall be as white as snow;
though they are red as crimson,
they shall be like wool.
James 2:16-17 New International Version (NIV)
16 If one of you says to them, "Go in peace; keep warm and well fed," but does nothing about their physical needs, what good is it? 17 In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2020
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Thanks, I should have to use that. What you reminded me of is how I originally intended to place a pertinent scripture at the beginning of each chapter. Please stick with me as the plot deepens. The book will explore the missionary spirit of others on the range and the willingness to reach out to the Indians and sometimes at the risk of life and limb. Stay tuned! Humbled by your words. Stan
