Oh Life!
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "Banter!"Experiences of living
155 total reviews
Comment from schihigh
This makes me think of a mother, she gives her all to bring you into this world, and loves you day an night, yet still some children fight with her.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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This makes me think of a mother, she gives her all to bring you into this world, and loves you day an night, yet still some children fight with her.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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THANKS FOR YOUR INSIGHTFUL REVIEW.
Comment from Deniz22
Hmmmmmm, another puzzler, mystery manwriter. Let's see if we can unravel it ...first is it worth the effort? One won't know until it's unraveled! I say you have an illegitimate son who loves you because he feels guilty not loving you which is what he really wants to do because he feels abandoned by you?
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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Hmmmmmm, another puzzler, mystery manwriter. Let's see if we can unravel it ...first is it worth the effort? One won't know until it's unraveled! I say you have an illegitimate son who loves you because he feels guilty not loving you which is what he really wants to do because he feels abandoned by you?
Comment Written 04-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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THANKS FOR YOUR NICE PROFESSIONAL REVIEW.
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A reply! Wow!
Comment from fayesh
The 5-7-5-7-7 format is normally known as a tanka. Your words are abstract and have little depth. For me, poetry should have concrete imagery or figurative language like metaphors, similes, personification, etc. Literal phrases lack the poetic feel (that's just my opinion).
Suggestion, using the "gift" metaphor:
Gift of life given
wrapped in restless nights and days...etc
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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The 5-7-5-7-7 format is normally known as a tanka. Your words are abstract and have little depth. For me, poetry should have concrete imagery or figurative language like metaphors, similes, personification, etc. Literal phrases lack the poetic feel (that's just my opinion).
Suggestion, using the "gift" metaphor:
Gift of life given
wrapped in restless nights and days...etc
Comment Written 04-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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THANKS.
Comment from joann r romei
This was very interesting, but the last line comes out of no where and doenst blend with the rest , perhaps how tears, how sad, now death,
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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This was very interesting, but the last line comes out of no where and doenst blend with the rest , perhaps how tears, how sad, now death,
Comment Written 04-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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THANKS.
Comment from jmdg1954
Hello my friend.
I looked at some of the reviews trying to get a grip on what you are trying to say... No luck.
Maybe you can summarize for us in you author notes???
Sentences are choppy with the punctuation as intended.
No capish... John
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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Hello my friend.
I looked at some of the reviews trying to get a grip on what you are trying to say... No luck.
Maybe you can summarize for us in you author notes???
Sentences are choppy with the punctuation as intended.
No capish... John
Comment Written 04-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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THANKS.
Comment from TKField
Banter? More like blather. Or babble. Or surreal bleating. Here's a fun game; take all the words and rearrange them in random order. Here's one...
My taught blood caressed shame
Gifted restless words wonder
Shame how disown nights as hurt
Fear life I light sleepless you
Or how about this one.....
Shame blood restless nights
Life disown hurts sleepless
Fear shame light taught caressed
My restless day gifted wonder
Or backwards.....
Wonder how shame. Me Disown
To fear you, hurt may word my
Words taught caressed as
Nights day restless sleepless, light
Blood, life gifted I
Here's my point. When writing makes no sense, it doesn't matter how the words are arranged.
Minus one star for superfluous exclamation point!
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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Banter? More like blather. Or babble. Or surreal bleating. Here's a fun game; take all the words and rearrange them in random order. Here's one...
My taught blood caressed shame
Gifted restless words wonder
Shame how disown nights as hurt
Fear life I light sleepless you
Or how about this one.....
Shame blood restless nights
Life disown hurts sleepless
Fear shame light taught caressed
My restless day gifted wonder
Or backwards.....
Wonder how shame. Me Disown
To fear you, hurt may word my
Words taught caressed as
Nights day restless sleepless, light
Blood, life gifted I
Here's my point. When writing makes no sense, it doesn't matter how the words are arranged.
Minus one star for superfluous exclamation point!
Comment Written 04-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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THANKS.
Comment from J.R Dickinson
I honestly like how you pieced this together. There's something about your style that's refreshing and luring. The subject you took on about parent sacrifice and child misconceptions very inspiring and wondrous, as that small fear the parents (and I believe the children too) experience every day unconsciously is something people overlook. It's nice to see you write about it.
Best regards,
J.R
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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I honestly like how you pieced this together. There's something about your style that's refreshing and luring. The subject you took on about parent sacrifice and child misconceptions very inspiring and wondrous, as that small fear the parents (and I believe the children too) experience every day unconsciously is something people overlook. It's nice to see you write about it.
Best regards,
J.R
Comment Written 04-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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THANKS FOR YOUR CREATIVE REVIEW.
Comment from Gloria ....
Hey Dear, how's it going? I see you are still promoting your previous writes and getting lots of reviews so that's a good thing. Are you writing new material too, to get in this year's rankings? Or are the rankings not important to you? Anyway good write and keep going.
Gloria
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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Hey Dear, how's it going? I see you are still promoting your previous writes and getting lots of reviews so that's a good thing. Are you writing new material too, to get in this year's rankings? Or are the rankings not important to you? Anyway good write and keep going.
Gloria
Comment Written 04-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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THANKS FOR SUGGESTIVE FEEDBACK.
Comment from Alan K Pease
This poem is fine and you are admired for being prolific. I wonder if you realize that you are drowning us with your words for reviewing on Fanstory is for a variety of thoughts from different authors. Only few succeed in showing more than one entry at a time and you have shown us dozens. I was almost ready to let it go past, but you try to do well. Also it might be better for some poems to define them as free verse rather than a structure that you have created yourself. You might also do each poem in a chapter format which then forms a book.
Sorry I checked again and you have used the chapter format. My apologies.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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This poem is fine and you are admired for being prolific. I wonder if you realize that you are drowning us with your words for reviewing on Fanstory is for a variety of thoughts from different authors. Only few succeed in showing more than one entry at a time and you have shown us dozens. I was almost ready to let it go past, but you try to do well. Also it might be better for some poems to define them as free verse rather than a structure that you have created yourself. You might also do each poem in a chapter format which then forms a book.
Sorry I checked again and you have used the chapter format. My apologies.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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THANKS FOR YOUR SUGGESTIVE FEEDBACK.
Comment from The Ghostwriter
I liked the new style of poem. The words go together well, made me think of vampires for some reason. Is the entire book one of poetry, or is there prose, too?
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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I liked the new style of poem. The words go together well, made me think of vampires for some reason. Is the entire book one of poetry, or is there prose, too?
Comment Written 04-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2013
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THANKS FOR YOUR FEEDBACK YOU MIGHT CHECK MY PORTFOLIO.
