The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "For Land's Sake"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
12 total reviews
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
The neighbors are a Godsend. She is fortunate in having had them care for her well-being. As Jake is smitten with Jane it bodes well for her and her child to have his caring protection as well as his family's. With her home destroyed she will have much to contend with.
NB:
"No disrespect Mr. McCord. I don't ( ) where I'd be if not for you and your>> S/B "I don't 'know' where I'd be if not for you and your
Raffaelina
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
  |
The neighbors are a Godsend. She is fortunate in having had them care for her well-being. As Jake is smitten with Jane it bodes well for her and her child to have his caring protection as well as his family's. With her home destroyed she will have much to contend with.
NB:
"No disrespect Mr. McCord. I don't ( ) where I'd be if not for you and your>> S/B "I don't 'know' where I'd be if not for you and your
Raffaelina
Comment Written 08-Jun-2021
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2021
-
Yes, and I hoped to capture the times and how it compelled people to come together .
Comment from Anne Johnston
This is very interesting. I enjoyed the story, and hope to be able to locate the earlier chapters and read them. I always enjoy stories about the early settlers in our country.
reply by the author on 07-May-2021
|
This is very interesting. I enjoyed the story, and hope to be able to locate the earlier chapters and read them. I always enjoy stories about the early settlers in our country.
Comment Written 06-May-2021
reply by the author on 07-May-2021
-
Thanks again Anne. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement.
-
You are welcome
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
Nice. Poor lady. This is a lot to take in. I know it happened to a lot of frontier women, but my stars! What a life!
A couple of notes:
1.) The wiry and weathered elder slipped from his horse and rubbed the stubbles of his chin like shaved
--> he had already stepped off his horse earlier
2.) "Sorry wouldn't be a strong enough word, sir. After what you and your son have done for me."
--> I don't get this
Thanks!
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2020
|
Stan,
Nice. Poor lady. This is a lot to take in. I know it happened to a lot of frontier women, but my stars! What a life!
A couple of notes:
1.) The wiry and weathered elder slipped from his horse and rubbed the stubbles of his chin like shaved
--> he had already stepped off his horse earlier
2.) "Sorry wouldn't be a strong enough word, sir. After what you and your son have done for me."
--> I don't get this
Thanks!
Comment Written 09-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2020
-
Thank you kindly, Ma'am. I reckon these are fixes I need to make right quick. You have a keen editor's eye.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This will be a promising good story. I will find the first chapter.
I've always loved books of the pioneer days which told of our ancestors and struggles to survive and thrive. Jake is a good solid man's name.
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
|
This will be a promising good story. I will find the first chapter.
I've always loved books of the pioneer days which told of our ancestors and struggles to survive and thrive. Jake is a good solid man's name.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 09-Mar-2020
-
I'm so sorry. My first chapter was listed as a story because I wanted to test the plot-line and character. It did get listed in the story of the month voting contest. And it would be in my portfolio. I'm humbled and thankful that you would care enough to find it and give me an encouraging review. Stan
-
Good writing deserves a shower of stars.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This is very strong writing. Your action words are marvelous. This reminds me just slightly of the way Laura Ingalls Wilder described a fire which destroyed her house. I only found a few things to look at again:
I craned my neck to see the McCord's (just take apostrophe out, since there is no possessive sense here)
"Is the young un alright?"
Ha. Here you can put an apostrophe in just before un. So it would be: young'un and that's just based on how I've seen it written in the past elsewhere, no real reason. And also, no matter what people tell me, I am going to lean hard toward spelling this word: all right
He placed the child over his knee and palmed his back until his lungs cleared and a healthy shrill cry boomed across the prairie.
I think I would put a comma after cleared and a comma after healthy. Also, for the sake of clarity, there are too many He/his/his/his there. I would say: He placed my child over his knee and carefully palmed his back until my son's lungs cleared, and a healthy, shrill cry boomed across the prairie.
The wiry and weathered elder slipped from his horse and rubbed the stubbles of his chin like shaved metal.
Something about this is too much information. Can you save the 'shaved metal' description for the beard on someone or something else? I think you mean to say the stubble on his chin looked like shaved metal. But to flow better, I would just say: The wiry, weathered elder slipped from his horse and rubbed the stubble on his chin. I might even say: and thoughtfully rubbed the stubble on his chin.
The hired men looked away and some acted as if they had saddle sores like they had a rash they couldn't itch. I would try:
The hired men looked away, and some had an expression as if they had saddle sores or a rash they couldn't itch.
Super writing! You've got me hooked to keep reading.
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2020
 |
This is very strong writing. Your action words are marvelous. This reminds me just slightly of the way Laura Ingalls Wilder described a fire which destroyed her house. I only found a few things to look at again:
I craned my neck to see the McCord's (just take apostrophe out, since there is no possessive sense here)
"Is the young un alright?"
Ha. Here you can put an apostrophe in just before un. So it would be: young'un and that's just based on how I've seen it written in the past elsewhere, no real reason. And also, no matter what people tell me, I am going to lean hard toward spelling this word: all right
He placed the child over his knee and palmed his back until his lungs cleared and a healthy shrill cry boomed across the prairie.
I think I would put a comma after cleared and a comma after healthy. Also, for the sake of clarity, there are too many He/his/his/his there. I would say: He placed my child over his knee and carefully palmed his back until my son's lungs cleared, and a healthy, shrill cry boomed across the prairie.
The wiry and weathered elder slipped from his horse and rubbed the stubbles of his chin like shaved metal.
Something about this is too much information. Can you save the 'shaved metal' description for the beard on someone or something else? I think you mean to say the stubble on his chin looked like shaved metal. But to flow better, I would just say: The wiry, weathered elder slipped from his horse and rubbed the stubble on his chin. I might even say: and thoughtfully rubbed the stubble on his chin.
The hired men looked away and some acted as if they had saddle sores like they had a rash they couldn't itch. I would try:
The hired men looked away, and some had an expression as if they had saddle sores or a rash they couldn't itch.
Super writing! You've got me hooked to keep reading.
Comment Written 09-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 10-Mar-2020
-
I agree. I had to look this over before I thanked you again, so I make the changes while it's fresh on my mind.
Comment from zanya
A chapter exuding all the raw reality of life and the sheer determination and doggedness of spirit that it takes to hold on..-sentence at the end 'All the innocence of youth..........speaks volumes !!
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2020
|
A chapter exuding all the raw reality of life and the sheer determination and doggedness of spirit that it takes to hold on..-sentence at the end 'All the innocence of youth..........speaks volumes !!
Comment Written 08-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2020
-
Thanks so much for the encouraging review
Comment from Mistydawn
I'm so glad you decided to continue with this Idea. This is a well-written, very interesting chapter. Your great word choice let the reader see, feel your character's heartbreak, devastation. it made us have empathy for, connect with her. I'm so glad her neighbors decided to help her out. Very nicely done.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2020
|
I'm so glad you decided to continue with this Idea. This is a well-written, very interesting chapter. Your great word choice let the reader see, feel your character's heartbreak, devastation. it made us have empathy for, connect with her. I'm so glad her neighbors decided to help her out. Very nicely done.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2020
-
Thanks again Misty
Comment from Shirley McLain
Great chapter two, full of tension and action. I enjoyed reading it very much. You put in a lot of detail. I did not find one thing to recommend. Wonderful job. Shirley
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2020
|
Great chapter two, full of tension and action. I enjoyed reading it very much. You put in a lot of detail. I did not find one thing to recommend. Wonderful job. Shirley
Comment Written 08-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2020
-
Thanks again Shirley
Comment from BethShelby
You are an excellent writer. I especially like your Western stories. I voted for you to win story of month. This story is very interesting. It's amazing that you can write of a women's point of view as well as a mans. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2020
|
You are an excellent writer. I especially like your Western stories. I voted for you to win story of month. This story is very interesting. It's amazing that you can write of a women's point of view as well as a mans. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2020
-
Thanks again Beth
Comment from Brett Matthew West
In Background - there is a singular (homesteader) with a plural (Jane and Josh Taylor). Therefore, homesteader should be homesteaders.
In Continued From Chapter One - perhaps consider Fiery debris rained down, falling into the fresh air. Seems to read better.
"unwrapped my son, wiped the soot from his face" seems to be missing the word "and", which would make this: unwrapped my son and wiped the soot from his face.
You named the family coming to the rescue the "McCords". Elsewhere, (in Chapter Two), you named them something else - the McClouds.
Also in Chapter Two - "weak kneed" should be weak-kneed.
"I never like too much fuss" should be I never liked too much fuss: this keeps the word past tense as the tale is told in.
Always enjoy a good Western, and this one has the earmarks to be.
My reviews are mere suggestions. Feel free to use anything that provides assistance and/or chuck the whole shebang.
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2020
|
In Background - there is a singular (homesteader) with a plural (Jane and Josh Taylor). Therefore, homesteader should be homesteaders.
In Continued From Chapter One - perhaps consider Fiery debris rained down, falling into the fresh air. Seems to read better.
"unwrapped my son, wiped the soot from his face" seems to be missing the word "and", which would make this: unwrapped my son and wiped the soot from his face.
You named the family coming to the rescue the "McCords". Elsewhere, (in Chapter Two), you named them something else - the McClouds.
Also in Chapter Two - "weak kneed" should be weak-kneed.
"I never like too much fuss" should be I never liked too much fuss: this keeps the word past tense as the tale is told in.
Always enjoy a good Western, and this one has the earmarks to be.
My reviews are mere suggestions. Feel free to use anything that provides assistance and/or chuck the whole shebang.
Comment Written 08-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2020
-
Thanks so much. I appreciate your spotting some silly and significant mistakes. I went back and edited it.
