A(n) (ab)NORMAL FAMILY
There's a monster in my room Momma.18 total reviews
Comment from samandlancelot
Certainly a branch scratching the window would seem like a monster to a child. You fulfilled the writing prompt criteria of an object or situation from a child's point of view. I like your creative approach to getting the kids to clean their rooms.
A Window Monster scared me Momma. He's scratching on my window." (change period to comma) Responded (responded) my teary eyed three-year old Sarah, standing in her brother's bedroom.
Said Billy, four-years old, (four years old - no hyphen) bare feet slapping on
"Excellent dear. I was so stressed; it would have been a disaster with me handling that. I (I don't understand this sentence, because it's seems like you handled everything.) wonder how long it will last?" (I assume you mean how long the clean room will last, but you might want to clarify).
Patricia
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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Certainly a branch scratching the window would seem like a monster to a child. You fulfilled the writing prompt criteria of an object or situation from a child's point of view. I like your creative approach to getting the kids to clean their rooms.
A Window Monster scared me Momma. He's scratching on my window." (change period to comma) Responded (responded) my teary eyed three-year old Sarah, standing in her brother's bedroom.
Said Billy, four-years old, (four years old - no hyphen) bare feet slapping on
"Excellent dear. I was so stressed; it would have been a disaster with me handling that. I (I don't understand this sentence, because it's seems like you handled everything.) wonder how long it will last?" (I assume you mean how long the clean room will last, but you might want to clarify).
Patricia
Comment Written 07-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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Patricia thank you very much for reading my story. Your comments and suggestions will be considered as I move forward.
The husband was telling his wife, her handling of the situation was excellent. No telling what would have happened if he had to do it. At the least, he recognized he was not in a good place, because of the taxes. It would take fifty-nine more words, minimum, to tell the story with explanations and tags. The Joint Household was fined by the IRS the previous year for owing more than $1,000 on untaxed regular income. He didn't pay enough Estimated Tax quarterly. The husband was also suffering from PTSD he acquired in combat, and he recognized that. All that was covered by the word stressed.
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I didn't realize the husband said that. I thought it was the wife. Now it makes more sense.
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Not enough room for tags. The husband asked the wife to take care of it in the second sentence.
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I've written flash fiction. I understand.
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:)
Comment from Gideon300
Ahhh, what our parents tell us to get us to do simple things.
I loved the everyday feel to this story. It was engaging in its simplicity. That is really hard to do.
Best of luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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Ahhh, what our parents tell us to get us to do simple things.
I loved the everyday feel to this story. It was engaging in its simplicity. That is really hard to do.
Best of luck with the contest.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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Thank you very much for reading my story. Your comments are inspiring and your stars humble me, because they are awesome.
Comment from artisart4u
Children do have big imaginations. The mother used this to her advantage.
Good title and story.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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Children do have big imaginations. The mother used this to her advantage.
Good title and story.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 07-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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Thank you very much for reading my story. Your comments are inspiring and your stars humble me, because they are awesome.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I remember monsters in my bedroom and screaming out for my mum and dad, they soon showed what my 'monster' was. Children have such wonderful imaginations, it's a shame we can't capture them and use them when we're older. This is a lovely story, lots of scary bits in it, too! lol Well done, and good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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I remember monsters in my bedroom and screaming out for my mum and dad, they soon showed what my 'monster' was. Children have such wonderful imaginations, it's a shame we can't capture them and use them when we're older. This is a lovely story, lots of scary bits in it, too! lol Well done, and good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 07-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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Thank you very much for reading my story. Your comments are inspiring. Your stars are awesome.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the "Through the Eyes of a Child" writing prompt.
This short story tells of a child being afraid of night monsters.
Well done and I wish you good luck with the contest.
Sharon
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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I think this is a good entry for the "Through the Eyes of a Child" writing prompt.
This short story tells of a child being afraid of night monsters.
Well done and I wish you good luck with the contest.
Sharon
Comment Written 07-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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Thank you very much for reading my story. Your comments are inspiring. Those stars are wonderful.
Comment from Elaine Chiodi
A great little tale that rings absolutely true about trying to get children bedded down. Your twist about the locked door is definitely a smart one, that should work even if there is not a lock on a particular door. Appropriate to the time of year, also - tax returns are a real life monster... ...ec
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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A great little tale that rings absolutely true about trying to get children bedded down. Your twist about the locked door is definitely a smart one, that should work even if there is not a lock on a particular door. Appropriate to the time of year, also - tax returns are a real life monster... ...ec
Comment Written 07-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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Thanks for reading my story. Your comments were right on. The door has what is called a Passage Lock. You can push a button on one handle and the door locks. There is a hole in the other handle that you can put a narrow pick or nail into, with a slight push the door will unlock. The Passage Lock is used in bedrooms. It works better than, and is not as greasy as, Vaseline.
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you're welcome... ...ec
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:)
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You're welcome - my brain has been asleep for the last couple weeks and is still sleepy... ...ec
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:) There is no problem with sleeping during this new reality of social distancing. A limbo or a purgatory?
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stay well and stay writing during this trying time... ...ec
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;
:)
Comment from Mary Kay Bonfante
I love the way children think! One says there's a monster; she's even pegged it as "the Window Monster!" Then her brother feels left out, and actually wants to see it! Finally, after Mommy figures out that she can use this scenario to encourage neatness, telling her little girl that the monster can hide in a messy room, her little daughter says the monster messed it up! The whole story is rather funny.
I found some errors. I don't know how much good it will do, since the contest voting is almost over, but I listed them anyway. There weren't that many mistakes, and I am sure they judge on multiple criteria, not just grammar, punctuation etc.
Please quieten them down, ...
-->
Please quiet them down, ... (unless you really want to write "quieten")
The book I'm reading is boring,
-->
"The book I'm reading is boring."
"A Window Monster scared me Momma. He's scratching on my window," responded my teary-eyed three-year old...
-->
"A Window Monster scared me Momma. He's scratching on my window," responded my teary-eyed three-year-old...
"I want to see the Window Monster." Said Billy, four-years old, ...
"I want to see the Window Monster," said Billy, four years old, ...
"The Monster kicked them under my bed and knocked them off my hangers." Replied Sarah.
-->
"The Monster kicked them under my bed and knocked them off my hangers," replied Sarah.
I enjoyed your rather wild tale of life with two tots.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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I love the way children think! One says there's a monster; she's even pegged it as "the Window Monster!" Then her brother feels left out, and actually wants to see it! Finally, after Mommy figures out that she can use this scenario to encourage neatness, telling her little girl that the monster can hide in a messy room, her little daughter says the monster messed it up! The whole story is rather funny.
I found some errors. I don't know how much good it will do, since the contest voting is almost over, but I listed them anyway. There weren't that many mistakes, and I am sure they judge on multiple criteria, not just grammar, punctuation etc.
Please quieten them down, ...
-->
Please quiet them down, ... (unless you really want to write "quieten")
The book I'm reading is boring,
-->
"The book I'm reading is boring."
"A Window Monster scared me Momma. He's scratching on my window," responded my teary-eyed three-year old...
-->
"A Window Monster scared me Momma. He's scratching on my window," responded my teary-eyed three-year-old...
"I want to see the Window Monster." Said Billy, four-years old, ...
"I want to see the Window Monster," said Billy, four years old, ...
"The Monster kicked them under my bed and knocked them off my hangers." Replied Sarah.
-->
"The Monster kicked them under my bed and knocked them off my hangers," replied Sarah.
I enjoyed your rather wild tale of life with two tots.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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Thank you very much for reading my story. Your corrections are helpful, and your stars are awesome.
Comment from ann borges
This piece seemed more from the perspective of the mother. It was her interpretation. She led the conversation. Try writing it completely from the child's perspective.
Suggestions: window monster," said Billy. -comma and lower case s
try not to repeat the word door too many times
The comment about the coffee took me out of the story and confused me. I had to go back a read it a few times.
I didn't know why she wanted her husband to hurry and cut the branch at night. What was the monster's nose supposed to be in? Maybe it's me- I got lost.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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This piece seemed more from the perspective of the mother. It was her interpretation. She led the conversation. Try writing it completely from the child's perspective.
Suggestions: window monster," said Billy. -comma and lower case s
try not to repeat the word door too many times
The comment about the coffee took me out of the story and confused me. I had to go back a read it a few times.
I didn't know why she wanted her husband to hurry and cut the branch at night. What was the monster's nose supposed to be in? Maybe it's me- I got lost.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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Thank you for reading my story. Your comments will be considered as I write further.
Comment from Patty Palmer
Oh, wow! You smooth talker, you! Using that monster in a positive way! So, now the kids are asleep in their clean bedrooms. I'd keep using the monster thing for as long as I could!
Good luck with the constest!
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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Oh, wow! You smooth talker, you! Using that monster in a positive way! So, now the kids are asleep in their clean bedrooms. I'd keep using the monster thing for as long as I could!
Good luck with the constest!
Comment Written 06-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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Thank you very much for reading my story. your comments are inspiring. The stars are awesome.
Comment from Bill Schott
This story, An Abnormal Family, has a lot a fun with the monster theme as Mom has to save the kids from the Boogie Man while Dad finds other things to occupy his time. Fun stuff.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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This story, An Abnormal Family, has a lot a fun with the monster theme as Mom has to save the kids from the Boogie Man while Dad finds other things to occupy his time. Fun stuff.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2020
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Thank you very much for reading my story. Your comments are inspiring. And those stars - awesome.
