Stones from the sky
Short Story 2020 words10 total reviews
Comment from dmt1967
This story had me at the edge of my seat and was told very well. The start hook drew me into the story and the end hook left me satisfied. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020
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This story had me at the edge of my seat and was told very well. The start hook drew me into the story and the end hook left me satisfied. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020
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A most encouraging review zanya
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Some nice bits of description and use of dialogue to further the storyline.
Few things I noted down as I read through-
Look, Papa, there's twenty stones scattered on the lane. Papa, Papa come and look at these black stones. They're falling from Heaven.' - need to reopen the speech marks here.
distances on Summer Sunday afternoons - summer doesn't need capitalised here.
But no one answered her knock- this needs end punctuation.
it is a little bit repetitive in places. A lot of references to summer / summer sun early on.
Fearing for Marcus's safety after the cataclysmic event, - what cataclysmic event? Not mentioned until a little while later makes the sequencing feel off.
Be careful of adverb clumping. It tends to make them stick out more.
shouts of villagers, men women and children,- need a comma after men.
it would probably be better to have clear lines between all paragraphs rather than just some.
'For my daughter, Emilie,' he said. 'She will ask M. Delisle, her teacher to explain these frightening events,' he said to no one in particular- you don't need both speech tags here.
falling to earth.I must - spacing here.
At his approach heads bowed and people genuflected. - insert a comma after approach.
'Father,'said Luc, - spacing here.
tone,' we are all in the hands of God, our Creator.' - it's usually best to start all new dialogue with a capital. (there are some more examples of this later on)
There are a few issues around dialogue in that frequently the space which should come before the opening speech marks comes afterwards, running the speech mark directly after the comma.
'Good eve..good evening,' - space needed following the ellipses.
it is a ..a ...meteorite..met..eo..rite.' - same thing here.
There's quite a hefty chunk of backstory which is irrelevant to the plot being told. It feels like filler. The ending is a bit of an anti-climax as well and quite abrupt. The whole story leads up to the prompt given but takes it no further.
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020
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Hi there,
Some nice bits of description and use of dialogue to further the storyline.
Few things I noted down as I read through-
Look, Papa, there's twenty stones scattered on the lane. Papa, Papa come and look at these black stones. They're falling from Heaven.' - need to reopen the speech marks here.
distances on Summer Sunday afternoons - summer doesn't need capitalised here.
But no one answered her knock- this needs end punctuation.
it is a little bit repetitive in places. A lot of references to summer / summer sun early on.
Fearing for Marcus's safety after the cataclysmic event, - what cataclysmic event? Not mentioned until a little while later makes the sequencing feel off.
Be careful of adverb clumping. It tends to make them stick out more.
shouts of villagers, men women and children,- need a comma after men.
it would probably be better to have clear lines between all paragraphs rather than just some.
'For my daughter, Emilie,' he said. 'She will ask M. Delisle, her teacher to explain these frightening events,' he said to no one in particular- you don't need both speech tags here.
falling to earth.I must - spacing here.
At his approach heads bowed and people genuflected. - insert a comma after approach.
'Father,'said Luc, - spacing here.
tone,' we are all in the hands of God, our Creator.' - it's usually best to start all new dialogue with a capital. (there are some more examples of this later on)
There are a few issues around dialogue in that frequently the space which should come before the opening speech marks comes afterwards, running the speech mark directly after the comma.
'Good eve..good evening,' - space needed following the ellipses.
it is a ..a ...meteorite..met..eo..rite.' - same thing here.
There's quite a hefty chunk of backstory which is irrelevant to the plot being told. It feels like filler. The ending is a bit of an anti-climax as well and quite abrupt. The whole story leads up to the prompt given but takes it no further.
Comment Written 15-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 18-Jan-2020
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Thanks for reading and sharing very useful recommendations zany
Comment from robyn corum
Dear Mystery Writer,
I loved the way you wrote this fine story. I loved the characters. The details here were clear and precise and understandable. This seemed to relate the strange historical events that unfolded before these people and their baffled reactions well. Nice job. Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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Dear Mystery Writer,
I loved the way you wrote this fine story. I loved the characters. The details here were clear and precise and understandable. This seemed to relate the strange historical events that unfolded before these people and their baffled reactions well. Nice job. Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 13-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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Delighted you enjoyed reading this tale ! zanya
Comment from Iza Deleanu
'From the gods" come down pebbles to scary the onlookers in the village of Orgueil, tres charmant:_ and when the teacher explains that the pebbles testifies the origin of life on earth the villagers are losing their interest in the matter. this is a very good short story in the parameters of the contest.
Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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'From the gods" come down pebbles to scary the onlookers in the village of Orgueil, tres charmant:_ and when the teacher explains that the pebbles testifies the origin of life on earth the villagers are losing their interest in the matter. this is a very good short story in the parameters of the contest.
Thank you for sharing and good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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Thanks for an interesting review zanya
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the Short Story writing prompt.
This is several small stories rolled into one about days of old.
Well done and I wish you luck with the contest.
Sharon
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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I think this is a good entry for the Short Story writing prompt.
This is several small stories rolled into one about days of old.
Well done and I wish you luck with the contest.
Sharon
Comment Written 12-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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Thanks for reading zanya
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was really good. It had to be a meteorite, though, shame. It would have been nice if it had been a shower of diamonds. lol. But your story wouldn't have been as good. Based on a true story, the story was very well written and very pleasurable to read. well done and good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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That was really good. It had to be a meteorite, though, shame. It would have been nice if it had been a shower of diamonds. lol. But your story wouldn't have been as good. Based on a true story, the story was very well written and very pleasurable to read. well done and good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 12-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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Thanks for those encouraging words zanya
Comment from Cindy Warren
I can imagine what the people of the time would have thought. Most of them would have never heard of such a thing, and it would have been terrifying. They wouldn't have understood, or even wanted, a scientific explanation. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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I can imagine what the people of the time would have thought. Most of them would have never heard of such a thing, and it would have been terrifying. They wouldn't have understood, or even wanted, a scientific explanation. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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Thanks for reading zanya
Comment from Ben Colder
I remember reading about this in school but until now I had forgotten where and when. Thanks for sharing this story. I filled a memory gap. LOL. Best to you.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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I remember reading about this in school but until now I had forgotten where and when. Thanks for sharing this story. I filled a memory gap. LOL. Best to you.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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Thanks for reading zanya
Comment from RodG
I really enjoyed your contest story about the falling stones. You PUT US THERE in that small village of Orgueil with the astounded villagers and the curious boy Marcus and his magnifying glass. You describe a vivid--and believable--picture of HOW these villagers would react to such an event.
Rod
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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I really enjoyed your contest story about the falling stones. You PUT US THERE in that small village of Orgueil with the astounded villagers and the curious boy Marcus and his magnifying glass. You describe a vivid--and believable--picture of HOW these villagers would react to such an event.
Rod
Comment Written 12-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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Superb review zanya
Comment from Aaqib Naeem
Liked your take on this story and hope you do well in the contest. Creating some of your own mythology was smart indeed and that provides for a good backstory to the historical event you have highlighted.
My only objection...a village of 20,000 souls can not technically be a village!
Great work overall! You really put a lot of thought into this. Best wishes!
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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Liked your take on this story and hope you do well in the contest. Creating some of your own mythology was smart indeed and that provides for a good backstory to the historical event you have highlighted.
My only objection...a village of 20,000 souls can not technically be a village!
Great work overall! You really put a lot of thought into this. Best wishes!
Comment Written 12-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2020
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Thanks for a superb review & village pop!!
Congratulations on winning. Zanya
