2020 Vision
Start the New Year with a clear conscious23 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Nice sentiments, and potent closing AHA! Daily not yearly., YEAH! That's perfect. The poem has room for improvement in terms of flow, as it reads like one sentence but you have periods on each line. I recommend not capping every line and using commas instead of periods and perhaps a dash on the penultimate line to give dramatic highlight to the AHA line in the closing.
The rhyme of LY on each line is a weak choice, frankly, and yet it sounds super read aloud, and I do not recommend changing it because the closing line is so stroke-of-genius perfect. I do recommend a comma after daily, though:
May we see clearly,
forgive sincerely,
holding them dearly--
daily, not yearly.
Another option would be to use only a dash and no other end-line punctuation:
May we see clearly
forgive sincerely
holding them dearly--
daily, not yearly
I prefer the latter choice, actually. Hope you like the ideas. Just for your consideration.
Good luck in the contest.
Warmly,
rd
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2020
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Nice sentiments, and potent closing AHA! Daily not yearly., YEAH! That's perfect. The poem has room for improvement in terms of flow, as it reads like one sentence but you have periods on each line. I recommend not capping every line and using commas instead of periods and perhaps a dash on the penultimate line to give dramatic highlight to the AHA line in the closing.
The rhyme of LY on each line is a weak choice, frankly, and yet it sounds super read aloud, and I do not recommend changing it because the closing line is so stroke-of-genius perfect. I do recommend a comma after daily, though:
May we see clearly,
forgive sincerely,
holding them dearly--
daily, not yearly.
Another option would be to use only a dash and no other end-line punctuation:
May we see clearly
forgive sincerely
holding them dearly--
daily, not yearly
I prefer the latter choice, actually. Hope you like the ideas. Just for your consideration.
Good luck in the contest.
Warmly,
rd
Comment Written 03-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2020
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Thank you for you helpful review I appreciate you sincere comments.
Comment from zlp22
Very good and somewhat true. Sometimes the past cannot be forgotten. But on the new year maybe a new start can be made. Good luck in the contest. Hopefully your new year will be good.
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reply by the author on 03-Jan-2020
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Very good and somewhat true. Sometimes the past cannot be forgotten. But on the new year maybe a new start can be made. Good luck in the contest. Hopefully your new year will be good.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2020
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Thanks for your thoughtful comments and review.
Comment from Janice Canerdy
Yes, I wonder how many times inability to forgive has kept prayers--mine
included--from leaving the ground. The Bible is clear on this matter. Your poem is very well-written.
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reply by the author on 03-Jan-2020
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Yes, I wonder how many times inability to forgive has kept prayers--mine
included--from leaving the ground. The Bible is clear on this matter. Your poem is very well-written.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Jan-2020
reply by the author on 03-Jan-2020
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Thank you very much Janice. I appreciate your insightful comments and review.
