St Louis
Viewing comments for Chapter 42 "St. Louis Chapter 18 part 1"Can McKenzie solve Megan Nelson?s murder?
16 total reviews
Comment from SLMorrical
A great addition to the story. I think it is wonderful how Mac tells Logan she likes him a little and is going to kick his but. I think also Logan just didn't want to admit he was jealous and worried about losing Mac. Well written, and easy to follow. Well done.
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2019
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A great addition to the story. I think it is wonderful how Mac tells Logan she likes him a little and is going to kick his but. I think also Logan just didn't want to admit he was jealous and worried about losing Mac. Well written, and easy to follow. Well done.
Comment Written 08-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 08-Dec-2019
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OH so true. Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from the13thpoet
Hello Barbara, hope this review finds you well. Thank you for another chapter of one of my favorite FanStory stories. I was pleasantly surprised to see that Logan and McKenzie "kinda" put their feelings out there. I can't wait to see how this progresses. Good job!
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2019
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Hello Barbara, hope this review finds you well. Thank you for another chapter of one of my favorite FanStory stories. I was pleasantly surprised to see that Logan and McKenzie "kinda" put their feelings out there. I can't wait to see how this progresses. Good job!
Comment Written 05-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2019
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I can't wait either. Thank you for the continued encouragement.
Comment from Sissy
Hi Barbara,
It's been a long time since I've been on Fanstory, but I do remember reading some of your stories some time ago. This is a well-written chapter. Thank you for the little bit from the last chapter and the list of characters. I can't really comment too much on plot since I've come in late, but I do think there is a nice back-and-forth between Logan and McKenzie. The added bit of Mark as a point of jealousy for Logan was fun.
I cut and pasted some parts below and will leave comments after. See what you think:
The following morning, McKenzie came down the stairs and watched Logan throw some clothes in the dryer. He had just returned from a run with Edger and Arlo. (I think you do a bit of telling versus showing here. she 'watches' Logan throw in the clothes and then you tell us he just got back from the run. What signals that he's been out running? Is he sweaty? Still in running clothes? Consider showing us how he looks so we can see what she sees.)
s, then rest, lift weight(s), and end with another run."
Logan opened the door and w
McKenzie waited by the car door.
Logan unlocked and held the door.
(Here, three times in a row your opening sentences uses the word 'door'. It reads a bit repetitive. Look to adjust one or two.)
The trooper I covered for has healed and (is?) back on the job.
She held up the water,(.) "Thank you," (she said,) and took a drink. (The punctuation isn't quite right here. If you were avoiding the dialogue tag look to reprhase).
Vince walked over to her. (consider eliminating 'to her'. You don't need it.) "What's wrong? You're doing fine."
t's too easy. Something's wrong." She glanced at Logan standing on the mat and walked (you use 'walked' above as a verb, watch repetition) up to him. Whispering she said, "What's wrong?" (Here I was a little confused. You may want to expand on why she stopped the spar session. You say it's too easy, but is there more. Is Logan distracted? Is his expression off. Consider expanding a little)
I hope this helps. Please let me know if you have any questions.
Take care,
Sissy
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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2019
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Hi Barbara,
It's been a long time since I've been on Fanstory, but I do remember reading some of your stories some time ago. This is a well-written chapter. Thank you for the little bit from the last chapter and the list of characters. I can't really comment too much on plot since I've come in late, but I do think there is a nice back-and-forth between Logan and McKenzie. The added bit of Mark as a point of jealousy for Logan was fun.
I cut and pasted some parts below and will leave comments after. See what you think:
The following morning, McKenzie came down the stairs and watched Logan throw some clothes in the dryer. He had just returned from a run with Edger and Arlo. (I think you do a bit of telling versus showing here. she 'watches' Logan throw in the clothes and then you tell us he just got back from the run. What signals that he's been out running? Is he sweaty? Still in running clothes? Consider showing us how he looks so we can see what she sees.)
s, then rest, lift weight(s), and end with another run."
Logan opened the door and w
McKenzie waited by the car door.
Logan unlocked and held the door.
(Here, three times in a row your opening sentences uses the word 'door'. It reads a bit repetitive. Look to adjust one or two.)
The trooper I covered for has healed and (is?) back on the job.
She held up the water,(.) "Thank you," (she said,) and took a drink. (The punctuation isn't quite right here. If you were avoiding the dialogue tag look to reprhase).
Vince walked over to her. (consider eliminating 'to her'. You don't need it.) "What's wrong? You're doing fine."
t's too easy. Something's wrong." She glanced at Logan standing on the mat and walked (you use 'walked' above as a verb, watch repetition) up to him. Whispering she said, "What's wrong?" (Here I was a little confused. You may want to expand on why she stopped the spar session. You say it's too easy, but is there more. Is Logan distracted? Is his expression off. Consider expanding a little)
I hope this helps. Please let me know if you have any questions.
Take care,
Sissy
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2019
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I made many of the corrections. Thank you for the help. I appreciate it.
Comment from BlueTiger
Great job on this chapter. You really draw the reader into the story and the mystery of what's going on. I'm a St. Louis native, so it'll be interesting to see where the characters go in this story :)
Looking forward to reading more,
-BT
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2019
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Great job on this chapter. You really draw the reader into the story and the mystery of what's going on. I'm a St. Louis native, so it'll be interesting to see where the characters go in this story :)
Looking forward to reading more,
-BT
Comment Written 02-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2019
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They have already gone to some favorite St. Louis haunts. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
Goodness, the two of them have more energy than ten teenagers for all that exercise. I'd have to sleep for a couple of days after that. I think you did a great job of introducing the new character and immediately setting up a level of antagonism between the two stags. I think the use of "liking a little" sums up the essence of both characters beautifully. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2019
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Goodness, the two of them have more energy than ten teenagers for all that exercise. I'd have to sleep for a couple of days after that. I think you did a great job of introducing the new character and immediately setting up a level of antagonism between the two stags. I think the use of "liking a little" sums up the essence of both characters beautifully. Well done and thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2019
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from Dawn Munro
First, let me apologize for neglecting your story some -- I have a huge amount 'on my plate' right now offline, so I am hit and miss here anymore... Short things (like poems) are my target, mostly, and even then, I might only end up reading and reviewing one. I just don't have the time...
Barbara, the first thing I want to say is even though I didn't write a review about it, that VERY intimate conversation between Mac and Logan is amazing. You have managed to capture the essence of a woman so young and inexperienced, and Logan's response is priceless. These are characters so real it's hard to imagine they are NOT real people. While all the rest of your writing is excellent (your pacing, the anchoring of scenes, the descriptions and so on) it is your characters that are your greatest strength, IMO, and that is where most fall short. Kudos, my friend.
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2019
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First, let me apologize for neglecting your story some -- I have a huge amount 'on my plate' right now offline, so I am hit and miss here anymore... Short things (like poems) are my target, mostly, and even then, I might only end up reading and reviewing one. I just don't have the time...
Barbara, the first thing I want to say is even though I didn't write a review about it, that VERY intimate conversation between Mac and Logan is amazing. You have managed to capture the essence of a woman so young and inexperienced, and Logan's response is priceless. These are characters so real it's hard to imagine they are NOT real people. While all the rest of your writing is excellent (your pacing, the anchoring of scenes, the descriptions and so on) it is your characters that are your greatest strength, IMO, and that is where most fall short. Kudos, my friend.
Comment Written 02-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2019
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AHH, thank you for this wonderful review. You made my day.
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You are very welcome.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
And I like them both a little bit!!! LOL. I think there is a bit more than jealousy going on in Logan's mind. I have some thoughts in my mind but I'll wait to see what's going on in his before I jump to conclusions. Another very well written part, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2019
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And I like them both a little bit!!! LOL. I think there is a bit more than jealousy going on in Logan's mind. I have some thoughts in my mind but I'll wait to see what's going on in his before I jump to conclusions. Another very well written part, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 02-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 02-Dec-2019
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from tfawcus
Another good scene here with the introduction of a third party and possible rival for Mac's affections.
Just a couple of suggestions:
The trooper I covered for has healed and (is) back on the job.
What do you do?"
"I'm in the Army. What do you do?" (I'd be inclined to vary the phrasing. Maybe something like 'And you?')
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2019
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Another good scene here with the introduction of a third party and possible rival for Mac's affections.
Just a couple of suggestions:
The trooper I covered for has healed and (is) back on the job.
What do you do?"
"I'm in the Army. What do you do?" (I'd be inclined to vary the phrasing. Maybe something like 'And you?')
Comment Written 01-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 07-Dec-2019
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I made he changes. I appreciate the help.
Comment from judiverse
All that exercise is making me exhausted! Mac's a demon for her workouts. She and Logan have that in common, anyway. I'm wondering how Mark is going to figure in. Logan seems to have signals going off about him, and I'm wondering why. You keep us guessing! All the threats on Mac had crimped her and Logan's style. Great work with your characters and plot development. judi
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2019
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All that exercise is making me exhausted! Mac's a demon for her workouts. She and Logan have that in common, anyway. I'm wondering how Mark is going to figure in. Logan seems to have signals going off about him, and I'm wondering why. You keep us guessing! All the threats on Mac had crimped her and Logan's style. Great work with your characters and plot development. judi
Comment Written 01-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2019
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Thank you for the encouragement.
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You're welcome. I think it's a great story. judi
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello barbara.wilkey (Barb)
Ah your story is getting real good now. Now do I see a touch of jealousy from Logan, because, of Mark the state trooper has came into the picture. Will be very interesting to find out who McKenzie is attracted to.
Gert
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2019
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Hello barbara.wilkey (Barb)
Ah your story is getting real good now. Now do I see a touch of jealousy from Logan, because, of Mark the state trooper has came into the picture. Will be very interesting to find out who McKenzie is attracted to.
Gert
Comment Written 01-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 01-Dec-2019
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I think we already know who McKenzie will choose. LOL Thank you for the kind review.
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Hello Barb it will interesting to see how McKenzie decides. Gert
