Empty but Not
Affirmation of a mother's heart22 total reviews
Comment from tfawcus
Yes, we may miss them, but our children are always still with us in memory and affection. Your Ottava Rima expresses this well. In terms of form, your lines are a mixture of 10- and 11-syllables and your rhyme scheme is spot on. I like the way you have used some near rhymes so that the intent of your poem isn't diminished by the straitjacket of perfect rhyme. Good luck with this one in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2019
  |
Yes, we may miss them, but our children are always still with us in memory and affection. Your Ottava Rima expresses this well. In terms of form, your lines are a mixture of 10- and 11-syllables and your rhyme scheme is spot on. I like the way you have used some near rhymes so that the intent of your poem isn't diminished by the straitjacket of perfect rhyme. Good luck with this one in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2019
-
Thank you so much!
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Your words flowed, for the most part, very easily. It could use a little more editing, just a touch, but all in all a very strong try.
Thank you for sharing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2019
 |
Your words flowed, for the most part, very easily. It could use a little more editing, just a touch, but all in all a very strong try.
Thank you for sharing!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 05-Nov-2019
-
where would you suggest I edit, MeLOdie? Thank you so much for your assistance...
-
I'm a brand new poet and there are many types of poetry that I'm not familiar with, such as Ottava Rima writing prompt entry.
I thought it was a lovely poem however, it just didn't flow easily at times. The words didn't flow easily out of my mouth when I read it aloud and that's what I'm going by! The foundation is solid it just needs to be tweaked but I don't know if once tweaked, will it no longer be an Ottava Rima writing prompt entry? I appreciate the pain in hearing from you and that is a very good sign that you have talent. Keep writing and blessings to you!
-
It wasn't pain.... you rated with a mark that means 'needs adjustments' but have nothing specific to suggest... and also admit to not being familiar with the poem type.... perhaps next time you might skip the offering... ??
-
I actually had suggestions but I'm not used to this site yet and I can look at your poem and write these replies to you. I'm sorry I should've told you that. I'm going to get anew paper and do that way right now.
-
Okay, now like I mentioned the changes I would make may take it out of the Ovttavia Rima class. With that being said, here I go.
These are some small changes to help with the flow and I'm thinking you are using to many commas. This poem is wonderful though you have every right to be proud of it! 😊 Here's what I would change:
"There are no classes
and no library books
to return ...
Yet they're here
inside the empty halls
and behind closed doors ...
Memories ...
Those memories cause
you to smile and
your heart will affirm ...
Through all of the laughter
and many shed tears ...
Yes ... Yes indeed ...
A real family once had
a lot of love right here.
