Corbin Brice
Fiction contest5 total reviews
Comment from shaffer40
This story shows what can happen when boys cook up mischievous schemes. Had it not had such a dire ending it would have been humorous. Good story.
I edited this and posted suggestions to make the writing more concise with different word usage and some punctuation corrections.
There are a number of places where sentences are separated when they might be better combined. There are also sentences that don't take up an entire line, but a continuation is on a new line. They should be combined. I have indicated some of these.
Suggest eliminating exclamation points and letting the writing speak for itself.
********************************************
The full moon that peeped over the tops of the trees, cast the cemetary
in a silvery glow.
Suggest omit comma and correct "cemetery."
The boys were very familiar with the place and had spent many summers
cutting the grass and landscaping the grounds for Mr. Clark.
Suggest omit "very". Usually not necessary and weakens image.
One time, they had poured two bottles of bubble bath and green dye
into the fountain
Suggest: They had once poured two bottles of bubble bath and green
dye into the fountain
Or the time they had thrown endless rolls of toilet paper into the trees of
the police station, not realizing that they were being captured on the
camera. That one had cost them three days and forty hours of
cleaning the town in punishment.
Suggest: Another of their pranks was draping toilet paper over tree
branches in the yard of the police station, not realizing they were
on camera. This mischief cost them three days and forty hours of
cleaning the town.
[Omit "in punishment" -- not necessary]
No, the prank tonight had to be fool proof and memorable.
One word: foolproof
"What's taking those guys so long? Are they gathering the apples to
make the cider or what? We should play a prank on these guys just
for making us wait so long."
Repeated words: "long" and "guys" too close together
Suggest: We should play a prank on them just for making us wait.
The living room was decorated in flocked wallpaper and dark wood
wainscotting and was now the viewing room.
Suggest: The living room, decorated in flocked wallpaper and dark wood
wainscotting, now served as the viewing room.
A dark wooden coffin was set upon a long table for the final viewing. The
room smelled of day lilies and lavender. Two large candles stood tall
in the flower bouquet.
"flower" unnecessary--"bouquet" implies flowers.
Suggest: A dark, wooden coffin sat upon a long table. Two large
candles protruded from a lush bouquet, and the room smelled
of day lilies and lavender.
"Okay Buddy, this will be the best Halloween prank ever. We will go down
in history for this one I bet. This is what I think will scare the pants
off those two."
Use contractions
Suggest: Okay, Buddy, we'll scare the pants off those two. This'll go
down in history as the best Halloween prank ever.
"I'll hop into this casket with Mr. uhh, Brice, he said as he read the name
on the brass plaque.
Need comma after "Mr." and quote mark following "Brice"
"Then when the guys get back, you tell them I have gone to get snacks. It
will be a hoot. Dang, Slim is scared just to be inside this place. Just
bring them in here and get them standing by the table. I will jump
out screaming. Maybe we can light the candles and dim the light.
Make it really spooky for them. What do you think?"
No need for new paragraph. Use contractions. Omit second use of "just".
Suggest reorganize: "Dim the lights and light the candles. When the guys
get back, tell them I've gone for snacks. Have them come in here and
stand by the table, and I'll jump out screaming." He laughed. "Dang,
this'll be a hoot. Slim is scared just being inside the place." He paused
and asked the group what they thought of his plan.
He giggled behind his hands, just the thought of scaring his friends,
gave him renewed energy. He grinned at Sam and declared, "I'm keen,
jump in next to our dearly departed buddy and let's do this!"
Need periods and new sentences; no comma after "friends":
He giggled behind his hands. Just the thought of scaring his friends gave
him renewed energy. He grinned at Sam and declared, "I'm keen. Jump
in next to our dearly department buddy and let's do this."
Sam swung his leg over and settled next to the late Mr. Brice. There was
barely enough room as Sam settled in next to the dead man.
Omit second use of "settled"
Suggest: Sam swung his leg over the late Mr. Brice. There was barely
enough room for the two of them.
"Just enough room, he reported, now close it, they'll be here any
minute!"
Avoid repeat of "enough room" and "lid"
Suggest: "It's tight in here," he complained, before ordering them to
quickly close the casket. "They'll be here any minute."
Roger grabbed the brass handle and began to lower the lid. The
mahogany was heavier than he expected and it slipped from his
hand.
The lid slammed down with a loud, firm click.
Suggest one paragraph:
Roger grabbed the brass handle and began to lower the lid. The
mahogany was heavier than he expected, and it slipped from his
hand and slammed shut with a loud, firm click.
"Hey, the smell of formaldehyde is way strong in here. Let me out, we
can figure another prank!"
Need to identify Sam here.
"Hey," yelled Sam from inside the coffin, "the smell of formaldehyde is
way strong in here. Let me out. We can figure another prank."
Roger grabbed the handle again and lifted with all his might.
The coffin was well and truely closed. He struggled for another
minute, then yelled to his friend.
"Listen, I'm going to get your dad real fast. I cannot open this lid," Roger yelled frantically, running his hands through his long hair.
Should be combined to make one paragraph; "truly" misspelled. Omit
second use of "lid"
Suggest: Roger grabbed the handle and pulled with all his might, but the
coffin lid wouldn't budge. He struggled for another minute. "I can't
get it open," he yelled frantically, running his hands through his
long hair. "I'm going to get your dad real fast."
Sam mumbled something from within and Roger took off into the night.
He crossed Elm and was halfway across Staten Road when he stopped in
his tracks.
Roger was suddenly illuminated by a bright light and froze.
Suggest making one paragraph--no need to separate.
Edward had just finished his last delivery of sodas to the local shops. He
rubbed his eyes and thought of the dinner and relaxing evening
when he finally got home. He turned up the radio and tapped the
steering wheel in time to the music.
Suddenly, in the middle of the road he saw a young man, head down,
darting across. There was no way to avoid him.
Edward blasted the horn as the tires screeched.
Need to identify Edward as a delivery man and make one paragraph.
Suggest: Edward, a soda delivery man, was making his final run of the
day, thinking of the dinner and relaxing evening ahead of him, when
he saw a young man with his head down, darting across the road.
There was no way to avoid him, as Edward blasted his horn and his
tires screeched.
The townspeople looked up from what they were doing at that moment.
The accident was heard for blocks. People ran from their homes to
see what had happened.
Suggest reorganize: The accident was heard for blocks. Townspeople
dropped what they were doing and ran from their homes to see what
had happened.
Roger was struck and flew high into the air. He spun wildly like a rag
doll. His phone was still ringing and flew into the bushes.
By the time he hit the ground, he was dead.
Reorganize and change to past participle:
Roger had been struck and spun wildly like a rag doll into the air. By the
time he hit the ground he was dead. His phone had landed in the
bushes and was still ringing.
Slim and Ed, who had just returned from the store, and heard the
accident,
Omit comma after "store"
They ran to him and instantly they both realized with horror that there
was nothing to be done. They figured that Sam had been with him
and they searched around desperately, calling his name in frantic
shouts. The ambulance came and took the body away. In the blue
flashing lights of the police car, the boys tearfully explained to the
police what they knew.
Suggest: one paragraph.
Slim and Ed, who had just returned from the store and heard the
accident, ran to Roger's side. One look told them that nothing could
be done. Figuring that Sam had been with him, they searched the
area, frantically calling his name. The ambulance came and took the
body away. With blue lights flashing, the boys tearfully explained to
the police what they knew.
The next day dawned bright and sunny for the burial of Corbin Brice. His
family and friends gathered to bury their friend.
Braving chilled October winds, the family and friends of Corbin and
the black hearse wound their way solemnly through the barren
cemetery. Bare trees, silver with frost swayed to create a gray and
somber scene.
Omit one use of "family and friends"; consolidate. "bury their friend" not
consistent with "family and friends"; comma after "frost". Suggest:
The next day dawned bright and sunny for the burial of Corbin Brice. His
family and friends braved chilly October winds as the black hearse
wound its way through the barren cemetery. Bare trees, silver with
frost, swayed to create a gray and somber scene.
Inside the coffin, Sam wept softly. Dizzy from fear, tired and crazed from the strong chemicals.
He could no longer make a sound. He was wedged in tight and beyond panic.
His throat was raw and dry from screaming all night. His legs had cramped up hours ago, but he was beyond pain.
He tried to pound on the lid. He could just reach up with his fist.
The padded satin made a soft, puffed sound with each strike.
Suggest consolidate these paragraphs:
Inside the coffin, Sam wept softly. Dizzy from fear, tired and crazed from
the strong chemicals, he could no longer make a sound. His throat
was raw and dry from screaming all night. His legs had cramped up
hours ago, but he was beyond pain. He tried to pound on the lid. His
fist against the padded satin made a soft, whooshing sound with
each strike.
The hearse came to a stop. This is my last chance he thought
desperately. He then felt the coffin slide along the tracks of the
hearse as the mourners removed the casket.
He felt the pallbearers adjust, align, then carry Sam and the late Mr.
Brice to the gravesite.
Sam tried to rock the coffin, but he was so wedged between his coffin
mate and the wooden side, it hardly made a difference to those
carrying it.
Now Sam heard a muted whirring sound as the coffin descended slowly
down into the grave.
It settled with a little bump.
The dirt landing on the lid, was the frightening, final reality.
Suggest consolidate -- one paragraph:
The hearse came to a stop. This is my last chance, he thought
desperately. He then felt the coffin slide along the tracks of the
hearse, then the pallbearers adjusting, aligning, then carrying him
and the late Mr. Brice to the gravesite. He tried rocking, but he was so
tightly wedged between his coffin mate and the wooden side, the
pallbearers didn't notice. The coffin made a whirring sound as it
descended slowly down into the grave and settled with a light bump.
The dirt landing on the lid was the final, frightening reality.
No one partied and drank hard cider behind the Last Supper monument
any more since that night. Slim and Ed had gone once more to look
for any clue, but just ended up being more dumbfounded at the
mystery.
With a sigh, Ed remarked that it was the ultimate prank, but there no
high fives or laughter about it.
Suggest consolidate; omit "anymore", "at the mystery", "about it":
No one partied and drank hard cider behind the Last Supper monument
since that night. Slim and Ed went once more to look for clues but
only ended up more dumbfounded. Ed remarked that it was the
ultimate prank, but the remark evoked no no high-fives or laughter.
No, the spot behind the carved marble slab of the Last Dinner resumed
it's peaceful status. If someone had gone back, they might have seen
two wispy ghosts.
One, a teenager gone well before his time and the other a retired
accountant that suffered a heart attack while playing tennis at the
town court.
Suggest: Consolidate; omit "No"; omit apostrophe in "it's"--it is
possessive; "someone" is singular--"they" plural.
The spot behind the carved marble slab of the Last Dinner resumed its
peaceful status. Anyone who went back might have seen two wispy
ghosts--one a teenager gone well before his time and the other a
retired accountant who suffered a heart attack while playing tennis at
the town court.
Then great last line by itself for emphasis. Suggest omit "yet".
Unlikely friends forever entangled in a prank gone tragically wrong.
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2019
  |
This story shows what can happen when boys cook up mischievous schemes. Had it not had such a dire ending it would have been humorous. Good story.
I edited this and posted suggestions to make the writing more concise with different word usage and some punctuation corrections.
There are a number of places where sentences are separated when they might be better combined. There are also sentences that don't take up an entire line, but a continuation is on a new line. They should be combined. I have indicated some of these.
Suggest eliminating exclamation points and letting the writing speak for itself.
********************************************
The full moon that peeped over the tops of the trees, cast the cemetary
in a silvery glow.
Suggest omit comma and correct "cemetery."
The boys were very familiar with the place and had spent many summers
cutting the grass and landscaping the grounds for Mr. Clark.
Suggest omit "very". Usually not necessary and weakens image.
One time, they had poured two bottles of bubble bath and green dye
into the fountain
Suggest: They had once poured two bottles of bubble bath and green
dye into the fountain
Or the time they had thrown endless rolls of toilet paper into the trees of
the police station, not realizing that they were being captured on the
camera. That one had cost them three days and forty hours of
cleaning the town in punishment.
Suggest: Another of their pranks was draping toilet paper over tree
branches in the yard of the police station, not realizing they were
on camera. This mischief cost them three days and forty hours of
cleaning the town.
[Omit "in punishment" -- not necessary]
No, the prank tonight had to be fool proof and memorable.
One word: foolproof
"What's taking those guys so long? Are they gathering the apples to
make the cider or what? We should play a prank on these guys just
for making us wait so long."
Repeated words: "long" and "guys" too close together
Suggest: We should play a prank on them just for making us wait.
The living room was decorated in flocked wallpaper and dark wood
wainscotting and was now the viewing room.
Suggest: The living room, decorated in flocked wallpaper and dark wood
wainscotting, now served as the viewing room.
A dark wooden coffin was set upon a long table for the final viewing. The
room smelled of day lilies and lavender. Two large candles stood tall
in the flower bouquet.
"flower" unnecessary--"bouquet" implies flowers.
Suggest: A dark, wooden coffin sat upon a long table. Two large
candles protruded from a lush bouquet, and the room smelled
of day lilies and lavender.
"Okay Buddy, this will be the best Halloween prank ever. We will go down
in history for this one I bet. This is what I think will scare the pants
off those two."
Use contractions
Suggest: Okay, Buddy, we'll scare the pants off those two. This'll go
down in history as the best Halloween prank ever.
"I'll hop into this casket with Mr. uhh, Brice, he said as he read the name
on the brass plaque.
Need comma after "Mr." and quote mark following "Brice"
"Then when the guys get back, you tell them I have gone to get snacks. It
will be a hoot. Dang, Slim is scared just to be inside this place. Just
bring them in here and get them standing by the table. I will jump
out screaming. Maybe we can light the candles and dim the light.
Make it really spooky for them. What do you think?"
No need for new paragraph. Use contractions. Omit second use of "just".
Suggest reorganize: "Dim the lights and light the candles. When the guys
get back, tell them I've gone for snacks. Have them come in here and
stand by the table, and I'll jump out screaming." He laughed. "Dang,
this'll be a hoot. Slim is scared just being inside the place." He paused
and asked the group what they thought of his plan.
He giggled behind his hands, just the thought of scaring his friends,
gave him renewed energy. He grinned at Sam and declared, "I'm keen,
jump in next to our dearly departed buddy and let's do this!"
Need periods and new sentences; no comma after "friends":
He giggled behind his hands. Just the thought of scaring his friends gave
him renewed energy. He grinned at Sam and declared, "I'm keen. Jump
in next to our dearly department buddy and let's do this."
Sam swung his leg over and settled next to the late Mr. Brice. There was
barely enough room as Sam settled in next to the dead man.
Omit second use of "settled"
Suggest: Sam swung his leg over the late Mr. Brice. There was barely
enough room for the two of them.
"Just enough room, he reported, now close it, they'll be here any
minute!"
Avoid repeat of "enough room" and "lid"
Suggest: "It's tight in here," he complained, before ordering them to
quickly close the casket. "They'll be here any minute."
Roger grabbed the brass handle and began to lower the lid. The
mahogany was heavier than he expected and it slipped from his
hand.
The lid slammed down with a loud, firm click.
Suggest one paragraph:
Roger grabbed the brass handle and began to lower the lid. The
mahogany was heavier than he expected, and it slipped from his
hand and slammed shut with a loud, firm click.
"Hey, the smell of formaldehyde is way strong in here. Let me out, we
can figure another prank!"
Need to identify Sam here.
"Hey," yelled Sam from inside the coffin, "the smell of formaldehyde is
way strong in here. Let me out. We can figure another prank."
Roger grabbed the handle again and lifted with all his might.
The coffin was well and truely closed. He struggled for another
minute, then yelled to his friend.
"Listen, I'm going to get your dad real fast. I cannot open this lid," Roger yelled frantically, running his hands through his long hair.
Should be combined to make one paragraph; "truly" misspelled. Omit
second use of "lid"
Suggest: Roger grabbed the handle and pulled with all his might, but the
coffin lid wouldn't budge. He struggled for another minute. "I can't
get it open," he yelled frantically, running his hands through his
long hair. "I'm going to get your dad real fast."
Sam mumbled something from within and Roger took off into the night.
He crossed Elm and was halfway across Staten Road when he stopped in
his tracks.
Roger was suddenly illuminated by a bright light and froze.
Suggest making one paragraph--no need to separate.
Edward had just finished his last delivery of sodas to the local shops. He
rubbed his eyes and thought of the dinner and relaxing evening
when he finally got home. He turned up the radio and tapped the
steering wheel in time to the music.
Suddenly, in the middle of the road he saw a young man, head down,
darting across. There was no way to avoid him.
Edward blasted the horn as the tires screeched.
Need to identify Edward as a delivery man and make one paragraph.
Suggest: Edward, a soda delivery man, was making his final run of the
day, thinking of the dinner and relaxing evening ahead of him, when
he saw a young man with his head down, darting across the road.
There was no way to avoid him, as Edward blasted his horn and his
tires screeched.
The townspeople looked up from what they were doing at that moment.
The accident was heard for blocks. People ran from their homes to
see what had happened.
Suggest reorganize: The accident was heard for blocks. Townspeople
dropped what they were doing and ran from their homes to see what
had happened.
Roger was struck and flew high into the air. He spun wildly like a rag
doll. His phone was still ringing and flew into the bushes.
By the time he hit the ground, he was dead.
Reorganize and change to past participle:
Roger had been struck and spun wildly like a rag doll into the air. By the
time he hit the ground he was dead. His phone had landed in the
bushes and was still ringing.
Slim and Ed, who had just returned from the store, and heard the
accident,
Omit comma after "store"
They ran to him and instantly they both realized with horror that there
was nothing to be done. They figured that Sam had been with him
and they searched around desperately, calling his name in frantic
shouts. The ambulance came and took the body away. In the blue
flashing lights of the police car, the boys tearfully explained to the
police what they knew.
Suggest: one paragraph.
Slim and Ed, who had just returned from the store and heard the
accident, ran to Roger's side. One look told them that nothing could
be done. Figuring that Sam had been with him, they searched the
area, frantically calling his name. The ambulance came and took the
body away. With blue lights flashing, the boys tearfully explained to
the police what they knew.
The next day dawned bright and sunny for the burial of Corbin Brice. His
family and friends gathered to bury their friend.
Braving chilled October winds, the family and friends of Corbin and
the black hearse wound their way solemnly through the barren
cemetery. Bare trees, silver with frost swayed to create a gray and
somber scene.
Omit one use of "family and friends"; consolidate. "bury their friend" not
consistent with "family and friends"; comma after "frost". Suggest:
The next day dawned bright and sunny for the burial of Corbin Brice. His
family and friends braved chilly October winds as the black hearse
wound its way through the barren cemetery. Bare trees, silver with
frost, swayed to create a gray and somber scene.
Inside the coffin, Sam wept softly. Dizzy from fear, tired and crazed from the strong chemicals.
He could no longer make a sound. He was wedged in tight and beyond panic.
His throat was raw and dry from screaming all night. His legs had cramped up hours ago, but he was beyond pain.
He tried to pound on the lid. He could just reach up with his fist.
The padded satin made a soft, puffed sound with each strike.
Suggest consolidate these paragraphs:
Inside the coffin, Sam wept softly. Dizzy from fear, tired and crazed from
the strong chemicals, he could no longer make a sound. His throat
was raw and dry from screaming all night. His legs had cramped up
hours ago, but he was beyond pain. He tried to pound on the lid. His
fist against the padded satin made a soft, whooshing sound with
each strike.
The hearse came to a stop. This is my last chance he thought
desperately. He then felt the coffin slide along the tracks of the
hearse as the mourners removed the casket.
He felt the pallbearers adjust, align, then carry Sam and the late Mr.
Brice to the gravesite.
Sam tried to rock the coffin, but he was so wedged between his coffin
mate and the wooden side, it hardly made a difference to those
carrying it.
Now Sam heard a muted whirring sound as the coffin descended slowly
down into the grave.
It settled with a little bump.
The dirt landing on the lid, was the frightening, final reality.
Suggest consolidate -- one paragraph:
The hearse came to a stop. This is my last chance, he thought
desperately. He then felt the coffin slide along the tracks of the
hearse, then the pallbearers adjusting, aligning, then carrying him
and the late Mr. Brice to the gravesite. He tried rocking, but he was so
tightly wedged between his coffin mate and the wooden side, the
pallbearers didn't notice. The coffin made a whirring sound as it
descended slowly down into the grave and settled with a light bump.
The dirt landing on the lid was the final, frightening reality.
No one partied and drank hard cider behind the Last Supper monument
any more since that night. Slim and Ed had gone once more to look
for any clue, but just ended up being more dumbfounded at the
mystery.
With a sigh, Ed remarked that it was the ultimate prank, but there no
high fives or laughter about it.
Suggest consolidate; omit "anymore", "at the mystery", "about it":
No one partied and drank hard cider behind the Last Supper monument
since that night. Slim and Ed went once more to look for clues but
only ended up more dumbfounded. Ed remarked that it was the
ultimate prank, but the remark evoked no no high-fives or laughter.
No, the spot behind the carved marble slab of the Last Dinner resumed
it's peaceful status. If someone had gone back, they might have seen
two wispy ghosts.
One, a teenager gone well before his time and the other a retired
accountant that suffered a heart attack while playing tennis at the
town court.
Suggest: Consolidate; omit "No"; omit apostrophe in "it's"--it is
possessive; "someone" is singular--"they" plural.
The spot behind the carved marble slab of the Last Dinner resumed its
peaceful status. Anyone who went back might have seen two wispy
ghosts--one a teenager gone well before his time and the other a
retired accountant who suffered a heart attack while playing tennis at
the town court.
Then great last line by itself for emphasis. Suggest omit "yet".
Unlikely friends forever entangled in a prank gone tragically wrong.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2019
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2019
-
Wow, what an incredibly, concise, helpful review. Thanks so much, I feel like I took a writing class. Funny thing, I had written and finished at 700 words then realized the count should be 1,500!
Quebec is having a power outage almost across the whole Provence maybe until Tuesday! My husband and I have moved from guest cottage into his brothers big farmhouse. Big fire, pillows, down duvets, candlelight and King Pao chicken. May as well have fun?
Thanks for the helpful advice. It was insightful and I appreciate your time and experience.
Have a wonderful Sunday.
-
I'm so glad you liked my review/editing. Your comments made my day. I enjoyed working on your story.
Comment from Suzanna Ray
Dear Author, this is a truly horrifying story that will surely keep me up all night! I don't even have to comment on the excellent writing, I think you know how competent you are. I hope other reviewers give you six stars too!
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2019
 |
Dear Author, this is a truly horrifying story that will surely keep me up all night! I don't even have to comment on the excellent writing, I think you know how competent you are. I hope other reviewers give you six stars too!
Comment Written 31-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 03-Nov-2019
-
Thanks for the encouraging review and sparkly stars Suzanne. Not my usual genre, ha ha.
Have a wonderful Sunday, cheers.
Comment from nor84
I wanted to give you a heads-up. You may still have time to fix this. Always read the entire contest announcement. It says the minimum word count has to be 1500 words. This entry has fewer words than that.
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2019
 |
I wanted to give you a heads-up. You may still have time to fix this. Always read the entire contest announcement. It says the minimum word count has to be 1500 words. This entry has fewer words than that.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 30-Oct-2019
-
Thanks for the review and heads up. I did manage to fill it up to the required word count. Cheers.
Comment from Wils
If creepiness was the effect you were after then you certainly achieved it with this. It does leave a few questions though, which are probably better remaining unanswered. Nice job.
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
|
If creepiness was the effect you were after then you certainly achieved it with this. It does leave a few questions though, which are probably better remaining unanswered. Nice job.
Comment Written 28-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
-
Aww cheers, but it went out too soon. I might have answered those questions in the completed version. Haha. Thanks for the review.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
A very short offering that, in those two sentences, you've delivered a completely terrifying scenario!! ;) Thanx for sharing and best of luck in the contest! ;)
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
|
A very short offering that, in those two sentences, you've delivered a completely terrifying scenario!! ;) Thanx for sharing and best of luck in the contest! ;)
Comment Written 28-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 28-Oct-2019
-
Thanks for the review, but it went out too early. I think they call for 1,500 words for this one so I would have been warned for sure. The new longer version is up. Thanks for you support, cheers.
