The Unexpected.
A flash fiction contest.15 total reviews
Comment from Alex Rosel
I found this a creepy story, ideally suited to the Halloween Flash Fiction contest {thumbs up}.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
Jimmy was the one who turned the knob with his sleeve pulled down over his hand. -- Nice detail and imagery. Leave no fingerprints! Or is it an action indicating reluctance to actually touch the door handle?
Dust bunnies were so abundant -- I've never heard of the phrase "dust bunnies" before. Thank you for introducing it to me {thumbs up}.
The furniture was minimal, tattered and covered with dust and webs. -- This is the third time in as many paragraphs that the narrative has mentioned web/cobwebs. Repetition tends to detract from the pace of the prose. If this was mine, I'd omit two of those mentions.
Wishing you the best of luck with the contest judging committee {smiles}.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2019
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I found this a creepy story, ideally suited to the Halloween Flash Fiction contest {thumbs up}.
Here are a few points you might like to consider:
Jimmy was the one who turned the knob with his sleeve pulled down over his hand. -- Nice detail and imagery. Leave no fingerprints! Or is it an action indicating reluctance to actually touch the door handle?
Dust bunnies were so abundant -- I've never heard of the phrase "dust bunnies" before. Thank you for introducing it to me {thumbs up}.
The furniture was minimal, tattered and covered with dust and webs. -- This is the third time in as many paragraphs that the narrative has mentioned web/cobwebs. Repetition tends to detract from the pace of the prose. If this was mine, I'd omit two of those mentions.
Wishing you the best of luck with the contest judging committee {smiles}.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2019
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Thank you for your kind words and suggestions. I really appreciate your wishes.
Comment from RodG
I truly enjoyed your flash-fiction tale because of how skillfully you PUT US THERE in that haunted house with those boys. It is easy to visualize each scene because of your selection of details. Rod
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2019
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I truly enjoyed your flash-fiction tale because of how skillfully you PUT US THERE in that haunted house with those boys. It is easy to visualize each scene because of your selection of details. Rod
Comment Written 19-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2019
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Thank you so much Rod for reviewing and your great comments.
Comment from Pantygynt
'There was a rustic brown covering a great deal of the floor.' Intriguing indeed but a rustic brown what? Carpet perhaps. This omission did not detract from my enjoyment but I kept wondering what else it might have been.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2019
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'There was a rustic brown covering a great deal of the floor.' Intriguing indeed but a rustic brown what? Carpet perhaps. This omission did not detract from my enjoyment but I kept wondering what else it might have been.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2019
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Thank you for reviewing and your great comments. The rustic brown was supposed to be dried blood, sorry I missed that.
Comment from humpwhistle
Ah, the old haunted house dare. Spine tingles and hair rises. But I get it. Hard not to rely on cliches.
Noticed a couple of things you might want to look at.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
The goal was to take a picture of one of us in a room,--do you mean 'each' room?
There was a rustic brown covering a great deal of the floor,--a rustic brown what?
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reply by the author on 19-Oct-2019
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Ah, the old haunted house dare. Spine tingles and hair rises. But I get it. Hard not to rely on cliches.
Noticed a couple of things you might want to look at.
Best of luck.
Peace, Lee
The goal was to take a picture of one of us in a room,--do you mean 'each' room?
There was a rustic brown covering a great deal of the floor,--a rustic brown what?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2019
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Thank you so much for your kind words and wishes. I will definitely fix those concerns in a moment.
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This meets the contest requirements splendidly as you deliver a well penned and complete story. The content clearly expresses the theme of horror as you move the reader from room to room in the haunted house. Good luck in the judging and thank you very much for sharing it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2019
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This meets the contest requirements splendidly as you deliver a well penned and complete story. The content clearly expresses the theme of horror as you move the reader from room to room in the haunted house. Good luck in the judging and thank you very much for sharing it.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 19-Oct-2019
reply by the author on 19-Oct-2019
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Thank you so much for reviewing, your good luck wishes and your kind comments.
